Post by seekingserenitynow on Dec 22, 2009 5:07:39 GMT -8
WARNING: This message includes some kind of gruesome descriptions
For months now I've had these ongoing (maybe once or twice a weekish) thoughts about thinks hurting my throat, like either knives stabbing at it or a big pair of scissors cutting off my head (or through my head like I'm made of paper without it necessarily hurting or causing any blood somehow) - or sometimes like a big hand reaching at my throat and reaching inside and choking and mutilating it.
That's what I think most often, but sometimes also there is more vague stuff about scissors snapping at me all over my body or something.
I don't really picture myself dying or even feeling much pain...like when I picture these actions happening (I'm not sure if I'm picturing someone else doing them to me - I'm pretty sure that's the case...or possibly me doing them to myself but I don't think so) I stop myself before feeling what the pain would feel like...it just gets too scary and I stop it right there then keep picturing the actions happening more for awhile (maybe for 3-7 minutes) but always stopping just short of pain.
Thought maybe if I felt the feelings enough I could track where they come from and thus stop them?
Thought maybe it had to do with feeling my ability to communicate was being attacked (cause throat chakra symbolizes communication)? Could be. I definitely went through painful communication issues with my POA and as a child - not feeling heard and hearing myself say & scream awful things to try to feel heard.
Also I have a painful memory of as a child, in a fit of rage (I'd get incredibly angry and act out physically by breaking vases, glasses, etc., and was emotionally and physically abused sometimes by my mother) cutting up a large fabric art piece my mother made. It was a self-portrait of her & very special to her & I remember being so angry & feeling so unheard & neglected & criticized & unsafe that it was like a passive-agressive way to harm her.
Guess I should talk to a therapist....
Just wanted to get this out by writing it as a start because it feels better not keeping it to myself.
It doesn't feel like an urge to hurt myself really but just an image of pain that's very scary & I want to stop. Not sure if it's repressed memory or something I fear my mother would do to me (I live with her & still kind of fear her in some ways; she stopped hitting me many years ago but this year relapsed and did once which was very scary as I feel trapped living with her).
Any thoughts??? Or encouragement?
For months now I've had these ongoing (maybe once or twice a weekish) thoughts about thinks hurting my throat, like either knives stabbing at it or a big pair of scissors cutting off my head (or through my head like I'm made of paper without it necessarily hurting or causing any blood somehow) - or sometimes like a big hand reaching at my throat and reaching inside and choking and mutilating it.
That's what I think most often, but sometimes also there is more vague stuff about scissors snapping at me all over my body or something.
I don't really picture myself dying or even feeling much pain...like when I picture these actions happening (I'm not sure if I'm picturing someone else doing them to me - I'm pretty sure that's the case...or possibly me doing them to myself but I don't think so) I stop myself before feeling what the pain would feel like...it just gets too scary and I stop it right there then keep picturing the actions happening more for awhile (maybe for 3-7 minutes) but always stopping just short of pain.
Thought maybe if I felt the feelings enough I could track where they come from and thus stop them?
Thought maybe it had to do with feeling my ability to communicate was being attacked (cause throat chakra symbolizes communication)? Could be. I definitely went through painful communication issues with my POA and as a child - not feeling heard and hearing myself say & scream awful things to try to feel heard.
Also I have a painful memory of as a child, in a fit of rage (I'd get incredibly angry and act out physically by breaking vases, glasses, etc., and was emotionally and physically abused sometimes by my mother) cutting up a large fabric art piece my mother made. It was a self-portrait of her & very special to her & I remember being so angry & feeling so unheard & neglected & criticized & unsafe that it was like a passive-agressive way to harm her.
Guess I should talk to a therapist....
Just wanted to get this out by writing it as a start because it feels better not keeping it to myself.
It doesn't feel like an urge to hurt myself really but just an image of pain that's very scary & I want to stop. Not sure if it's repressed memory or something I fear my mother would do to me (I live with her & still kind of fear her in some ways; she stopped hitting me many years ago but this year relapsed and did once which was very scary as I feel trapped living with her).
Any thoughts??? Or encouragement?
