Post by Bluejay on Apr 25, 2009 9:29:21 GMT -8
Gosh, it feels good to have found a name for what I've been going through and to be in touch with others who are feeling similar things. Here's my introduction:
- Female, married to a great guy, wonderful children. I'm confident, successful and independent in many areas, but low self-esteem and very insecure with friends. Also went a series of very positive physical transformations recently (makeover) and am trying to improve other areas of my life.
- Met a woman a couple years ago and she rocked my world. I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to be her best friend. I wanted to be part of her world. She appeared to be attractive, stylish, popular, confident, positive, balanced and so on. Initially I loved everything about her. I'll call her S.
- S and I hit it off very well at the beginning. We have tons in common and lots of shared interests. I got a big high from the friendship and was so happy to have met her. Our friendship was very intense and we spend a lot of one-on-one time together, engaging in personal talks and disclosure. Our kids became best friends too. The main problem was that she already had a best friend, L, and there was tons of jealous and resentment between L and me. S and L are exceptionally close and I think their connection is dis-functional, co-dependent and unhealthy (S, who refers to L as a "second spouse", agreed with me but said she couldn't change that). I felt like “the other woman” in this friendship trio. By the way, we are all married.
- I felt constantly excluded by S. S, who had once seemed so perfect to me, suddenly started revealing a side of herself that tormented me: she was callous, insensitive and cruel. She spent a lot of one-on-one time with me, much more so than with her best friend, but then she wouldn't include me in any of her parties, gatherings or weekend activities with other friends. This was soooo hurtful. I would try to explain how this dynamic made me feel and she's say things like "you knew what you were getting into". Ouch! I never saw an ounce of empathy or sympathy from her for the things that she did and that was painful. I couldn't reconcile the fun person who spent all this time with me with the cruel person who did mean, hurtful things!
- This weighed on me. I was stressed all the time, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t stop thinking of her and what I could do to improve my situation. I tried to become significant to her, anticipating her needs and being there to fill them (watching her kids, taking her dog out etc). I wanted to be needed by her because then I’d have a role to play in her life. In retrospect I can see just how desperate, anxious, clingy, insecure and weird I must have been and yet there were lots of times when we had fun and things were very normal.
- After more than a year of this odd dynamic, I started pulling away because the pain was too great. We had a couple mini-breakups, then would patch things up. Still, I kept obsessing over her. I wanted to be with her, even though it was killing me emotionally. I became filled with jealous, anger, rage, bitterness, sadness, confusion. Why did she treating me so badly and what wrong with me that I still wanted to be with her? Lots of fantasies too about our connection and how great life would be if I was the best friend or if she cared about me.
- Two weeks ago we ended our friendship my mutual decision. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I think she finally got tired of me wanting/needing too much from her and her not being capable or interested in filling that role. Our children are no longer playing together and have ceased to be best friends (too hard for me and I felt like the connection between the kids was keeping me attached to her).
- I recently read Susan Peabody's book on Love Addiction and it was a turning point. I also had a personal consultation with her and she classified me as a mild love addict, specifically relationship addict. She also said that S is a Narcissist and a Selective Withholder. That makes sense to me and has helped me come to terms with things. I have a problem, but then again so does S, so it wasn't all my fault that things got so unbalanced. I highly recommend talking to Susan. The book and consultation have set me on a path to recovery.
- I’m trying to let go. I just want to live my life and be normal. Unfortunately I run into S regularly. We are part of the same neighborhood, school and larger circle of friends. This does not mean that I have to talk to her – I can generally avoid doing that – but I do see her often across the playground or at school/social events. I am aware of her presence, but I make myself to look away. Occasionally I have to acknowledge her with brief eye contact and a nod or hello – but nothing else – when we are forced to be together. Does this count as No Contact or Limited Contact?
Has anyone had a friend addiction? How did you handle it and what was your recovery like? Is there hope for me? All tips and advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks,
Bluejay
- Female, married to a great guy, wonderful children. I'm confident, successful and independent in many areas, but low self-esteem and very insecure with friends. Also went a series of very positive physical transformations recently (makeover) and am trying to improve other areas of my life.
- Met a woman a couple years ago and she rocked my world. I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to be her best friend. I wanted to be part of her world. She appeared to be attractive, stylish, popular, confident, positive, balanced and so on. Initially I loved everything about her. I'll call her S.
- S and I hit it off very well at the beginning. We have tons in common and lots of shared interests. I got a big high from the friendship and was so happy to have met her. Our friendship was very intense and we spend a lot of one-on-one time together, engaging in personal talks and disclosure. Our kids became best friends too. The main problem was that she already had a best friend, L, and there was tons of jealous and resentment between L and me. S and L are exceptionally close and I think their connection is dis-functional, co-dependent and unhealthy (S, who refers to L as a "second spouse", agreed with me but said she couldn't change that). I felt like “the other woman” in this friendship trio. By the way, we are all married.
- I felt constantly excluded by S. S, who had once seemed so perfect to me, suddenly started revealing a side of herself that tormented me: she was callous, insensitive and cruel. She spent a lot of one-on-one time with me, much more so than with her best friend, but then she wouldn't include me in any of her parties, gatherings or weekend activities with other friends. This was soooo hurtful. I would try to explain how this dynamic made me feel and she's say things like "you knew what you were getting into". Ouch! I never saw an ounce of empathy or sympathy from her for the things that she did and that was painful. I couldn't reconcile the fun person who spent all this time with me with the cruel person who did mean, hurtful things!
- This weighed on me. I was stressed all the time, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t stop thinking of her and what I could do to improve my situation. I tried to become significant to her, anticipating her needs and being there to fill them (watching her kids, taking her dog out etc). I wanted to be needed by her because then I’d have a role to play in her life. In retrospect I can see just how desperate, anxious, clingy, insecure and weird I must have been and yet there were lots of times when we had fun and things were very normal.
- After more than a year of this odd dynamic, I started pulling away because the pain was too great. We had a couple mini-breakups, then would patch things up. Still, I kept obsessing over her. I wanted to be with her, even though it was killing me emotionally. I became filled with jealous, anger, rage, bitterness, sadness, confusion. Why did she treating me so badly and what wrong with me that I still wanted to be with her? Lots of fantasies too about our connection and how great life would be if I was the best friend or if she cared about me.
- Two weeks ago we ended our friendship my mutual decision. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I think she finally got tired of me wanting/needing too much from her and her not being capable or interested in filling that role. Our children are no longer playing together and have ceased to be best friends (too hard for me and I felt like the connection between the kids was keeping me attached to her).
- I recently read Susan Peabody's book on Love Addiction and it was a turning point. I also had a personal consultation with her and she classified me as a mild love addict, specifically relationship addict. She also said that S is a Narcissist and a Selective Withholder. That makes sense to me and has helped me come to terms with things. I have a problem, but then again so does S, so it wasn't all my fault that things got so unbalanced. I highly recommend talking to Susan. The book and consultation have set me on a path to recovery.
- I’m trying to let go. I just want to live my life and be normal. Unfortunately I run into S regularly. We are part of the same neighborhood, school and larger circle of friends. This does not mean that I have to talk to her – I can generally avoid doing that – but I do see her often across the playground or at school/social events. I am aware of her presence, but I make myself to look away. Occasionally I have to acknowledge her with brief eye contact and a nod or hello – but nothing else – when we are forced to be together. Does this count as No Contact or Limited Contact?
Has anyone had a friend addiction? How did you handle it and what was your recovery like? Is there hope for me? All tips and advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks,
Bluejay
