Post by lookn4health on Jun 8, 2009 19:45:06 GMT -8
I fell in love with one of my best buds from high school. She became my first love. And her behavior after breaking up with my clingy self was horrendous. I feel that I was traumatized by it. we'd decided to move together in a major city where i was already established, in college on a full ride athletic scholarship. she was one grade below me and was just finishing high school back home in our small town. once she was introduced to all my connections and felt comfortable, cool and fashionable, she left me and basically embarassed me by being with most of the people that she met only because of me. I'd come home to find her and some "homeboy" smoking and drinking and playing cards or even a man in boxers in our bed in our room. (in her defense, at this point we are broken up... but how disrespectful and cold hearted is this?) Needless to say after many embarassing and painful events such as this, I became depressed, suicidal, and I just didnt trust people or love nor cared to much for life itself. From that point on I went through life just giving myself away. I hated me. i put myself in terrible situations.
Now it's 10 years later. She's got 2kids. one is 8 (by a guy that was a friend of ours who WE used to hang out with) and another 18mos old(by her alcoholic husband who is 20yrs her senior and whom she moved a couple miles away from a month ago ... he'd cheated on her after 2yrs of a horrible marriage).
Im saying all this because it feels good to let the poison out. Im scared to death of the pain I felt back then that kept me killing myself until about 4yrs ago when I got into 12step work. Never worked on sexual relationships though. Mainly substances. But I met love. I met love for God and for ohers and mostly for Self. And all i really want now is to protect me and love me and love her even if its not in a relationship. Maybe the most loving thing i could do for the both of us is to say no right now and give us space. But can a love addict really do that? I really really wish that all of a sudden she is miraculously healed and we can finally marry and live together happily ever after because I enjoy her company, I enjoy family life, we share similar interest values and life goals. She's a loving caring broken hearted person just like me. But if she enjoys me as much as I enjoy her as a person... we've hit the jackpot. Personally I think she's settling because Ive always loved her and she's always known it. I beleive she left me because I wasn't what she wanted.
Im trying to figure out how best to proceed with everyone involved. Without help I could lose myself in a very painful and miserable way. Who knows how many years it would take to make it back this time. I'm saying that i'm taking it slow with her. Trial period. No commitment or promises right now. We are hangin out and getting to know each other again. But we live 2hours away from each other. And im back in college now working on a bachelor's degree in science. I dont now how to make healthy choices. Going by her track record, I don't think she knows how to either. We are both sick people. Maybe you all have had similar experiences and can see clearly through all the confusion. But I cant. I really truly am utterly confused and dont know how to proceed. Im off balance and don't want to rock her boat with my back and forth feeling and up and down emotions. But that's just what they are. And if someone said that this is bad for me. Cut all ties forever and say goodbye, I dont know if I could because how would she feel? And then I would even be trying to see if it could work. Isnt there something we could do? A healthy way to try? And if this or that happens... then do this or that? Any help comments or concerns are welcome.
Oh and by the way, my part in this situation now is that my fear is huge. I am worried that she doesn't know what she wants and that she's forgotten that it's not me. I think she's doing the next best think while she's going thru this lonely time with the divorce. And my low self esteem is keeping this idea right in front of my face. i don't know wether she knows how to love. Herself mainly. So how can she love me. She is different than how she used to be. She is opening up and telling me how she feels (as much as she is aware of) and she is putting in a great effort to ride through my emotions. She is much more willing to admit her shortcomings than ever before. But she is still very co-dependent in areas and has issues with men and standing up for herself. I am aware of a lot of my issues and I have overcome a lot of them and have tools to battle them at least. Shes got alot of the same issues, but just hasn't even noticed them yet or found a better way to handle situations. often she is not assertive, she is either passive (with men) or aggressive (mainly with women...including me). I worry that she is just not a healthy person yet. I know she can get there but should I get with her anyway ... and of course try not to change her. Or not be with her because she doesnt have healthy interpersonal skills yet. Okay thats it. and if you read this long thank you very much for your valiant effort. Again All feedback is welcomed and aprreciated.
Now it's 10 years later. She's got 2kids. one is 8 (by a guy that was a friend of ours who WE used to hang out with) and another 18mos old(by her alcoholic husband who is 20yrs her senior and whom she moved a couple miles away from a month ago ... he'd cheated on her after 2yrs of a horrible marriage).
Im saying all this because it feels good to let the poison out. Im scared to death of the pain I felt back then that kept me killing myself until about 4yrs ago when I got into 12step work. Never worked on sexual relationships though. Mainly substances. But I met love. I met love for God and for ohers and mostly for Self. And all i really want now is to protect me and love me and love her even if its not in a relationship. Maybe the most loving thing i could do for the both of us is to say no right now and give us space. But can a love addict really do that? I really really wish that all of a sudden she is miraculously healed and we can finally marry and live together happily ever after because I enjoy her company, I enjoy family life, we share similar interest values and life goals. She's a loving caring broken hearted person just like me. But if she enjoys me as much as I enjoy her as a person... we've hit the jackpot. Personally I think she's settling because Ive always loved her and she's always known it. I beleive she left me because I wasn't what she wanted.
Im trying to figure out how best to proceed with everyone involved. Without help I could lose myself in a very painful and miserable way. Who knows how many years it would take to make it back this time. I'm saying that i'm taking it slow with her. Trial period. No commitment or promises right now. We are hangin out and getting to know each other again. But we live 2hours away from each other. And im back in college now working on a bachelor's degree in science. I dont now how to make healthy choices. Going by her track record, I don't think she knows how to either. We are both sick people. Maybe you all have had similar experiences and can see clearly through all the confusion. But I cant. I really truly am utterly confused and dont know how to proceed. Im off balance and don't want to rock her boat with my back and forth feeling and up and down emotions. But that's just what they are. And if someone said that this is bad for me. Cut all ties forever and say goodbye, I dont know if I could because how would she feel? And then I would even be trying to see if it could work. Isnt there something we could do? A healthy way to try? And if this or that happens... then do this or that? Any help comments or concerns are welcome.
Oh and by the way, my part in this situation now is that my fear is huge. I am worried that she doesn't know what she wants and that she's forgotten that it's not me. I think she's doing the next best think while she's going thru this lonely time with the divorce. And my low self esteem is keeping this idea right in front of my face. i don't know wether she knows how to love. Herself mainly. So how can she love me. She is different than how she used to be. She is opening up and telling me how she feels (as much as she is aware of) and she is putting in a great effort to ride through my emotions. She is much more willing to admit her shortcomings than ever before. But she is still very co-dependent in areas and has issues with men and standing up for herself. I am aware of a lot of my issues and I have overcome a lot of them and have tools to battle them at least. Shes got alot of the same issues, but just hasn't even noticed them yet or found a better way to handle situations. often she is not assertive, she is either passive (with men) or aggressive (mainly with women...including me). I worry that she is just not a healthy person yet. I know she can get there but should I get with her anyway ... and of course try not to change her. Or not be with her because she doesnt have healthy interpersonal skills yet. Okay thats it. and if you read this long thank you very much for your valiant effort. Again All feedback is welcomed and aprreciated.
