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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 9, 2007 16:50:43 GMT -8
Dating Plan
PDF File Attached
Many people search for love and end up with the wrong person. This is because they fall in love and bond before they know what they are getting into. LAA has prepared a list of characteristics that a person should have in their relationship before they become serious. Carry it around for you and check what you have against what you need to have a successful relationship. The most important thing is availability. Your partner should be willing to move if you are long distance and they must also be available emotionally and spiritually. No avoidants or ambivalent people. One of our members found a woman with everything on this list, and after he was in love and ready to move forward he discovered that she was not willing to relocate and neither was he. They lived in different countries. So many of the important things on this list should come up fairly early. If you want to date then go slow. If you want to end up married with children then you must find out if this is an option before you fall in love. Availability is EVERYTHING. What to Look for in a Healthy Relationship . . . Attachments:LAA Dating Plan.pdf (56.45 KB)
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Post by rosemay on Nov 10, 2007 5:57:53 GMT -8
Gee, that sounds like a tall order!!!  Is it really possible?  I've noticed myself "studying" couples that I percieve to be in healthy realtionships, (and they are pretty rare, it seems). I've decided that both partners must have grown up in healthy homes and had a lot of advantage in the first place. The rest of us have had our share of mistakes and wrong turns and learn all this after the fact, so MIGHT have a shot at a healthy late in life relationship, with each partner carrying lots of baggage, IF each one is well into recovery. |
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Post by Rainbows Always on Nov 10, 2007 6:45:20 GMT -8
Yeah. that's scary. I still have heaps of work to do. But Im hopeful. I know that recovery will lead me to that if it is Gods plan for me to have a partner. (hope its gods will, coz it certainly is mine!!). lol One dayat a time.
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Post by pennycat on Nov 23, 2007 19:45:09 GMT -8
OK.. I have printed this. I read it last night actually...but I am going to read and re-read!! Thank you ButterflyGirl  This book helped me . . .  |
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Post by Rainbows Always on Nov 27, 2007 4:51:42 GMT -8
Pennycat,
Its so wonderful to "hear" your spirit and "eagerness" for your own growth. As an "oldtimer" said to me once in OA "keep coming back, we need you". Actually he wrote it in a book that he gave to me in my second week. I thought he was mad, I didnt even think it made sense.!!!
Ive since learnt what he meant by that!! Your posts have reminded me of that.
shaz XX
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Post by HelpNeeded on Feb 7, 2008 0:47:53 GMT -8
its like I knew all these things but don't act on what I know. I still let myself justify being in an unhealthy relationship. A behavior I want to stop.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 7, 2008 18:38:28 GMT -8
I've decided that both partners must have grown up in healthy homes and had a lot of advantage in the first place. This is not always true. Sandra and I both grew up in very dysfunctional homes and were quite damaged as indicated by our love addiction. But we had both advanced so far in recovery that when we met we were to both able to overcome our past and even heal together as a couple. No matter what happened in your childhood, you can heal and change. Then you are what I call "relationship material." Sandra and I were proof of this. |
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Post by Rainbows Always on Feb 7, 2008 18:45:24 GMT -8
Butterflygirl, how blessed you were to have experienced that, even for a short while
XX
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Post by bluebird on Jun 20, 2008 21:30:31 GMT -8
Thanks Susan,
I need to post this on my wall. Everytime I read it it snaps me out of my fantasy world. There's a lot of recovery waiting to happen in me.
Your story does give me hope.
Like Rosemay I think Whew!!! What a steep trail up the mountain....
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 3, 2008 11:53:37 GMT -8
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Post by sillyme on Apr 7, 2009 9:46:19 GMT -8
I truly believe that I am capable of all it takes to have a healthy relationship. I've worked on this as long as I can remember. Yet here I am because I set my boundaries, needs, wants, and desires aside in desperate delusion that he would meet even a bit of the criteria. Why?
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Post by havefaith on Apr 7, 2009 13:19:49 GMT -8
yoco - the books are an excellent investment !!
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Post by not2bforgot10x on Dec 29, 2009 18:14:55 GMT -8
This is based off my own research I spent hours researching and days devising this: Standards:1. Honesty (Includes honesty w/Self) -Is honest with himself/herself -Is aware of his/her own feelings -Is honest with others (and you) -Does not play games about wants and feelings 2. Respect (Includes respecting one’s space)-Do I trust that she won’t hurt me a. emotionally (w/words or emotions) and b. physically? -Do we respect one another’s boundaries (physical space, trust to not snoop in diaries, etc) -Respects your need for independence/personal space
3. Dependability (Follow-through & Responsibility)-Do I trust his/her ability to follow-through (ie, on promises, shows up on time, doesn’t let people down) -Pays bills on time and handles finances -Is able to take care of himself or herself
4. Communication-Is able to express his or her feelings -Listens to what you have to share (Tries his/her best not to interrupt)
5. Commitment to personal growth (Optional)-Is interested in learning how to be a better person and spouse -Is aware of emotional baggage, blind spots, and weaknesses -Has personal goals for self-improvement Trust is necessary in order to have a mutually satisfying, long-term relationship. Trust = 1. Honesty + 2. Respect + 3. Dependability + 4. Communication + Commitment to personal growth. Trust must be established before sex can occur, otherwise the sex is lustful or otherwise “impassioned love” (Impassioned love typically does not last). Thanks! Hope it helps =) |
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 30, 2009 17:20:00 GMT -8
I decided to revisit this list. Gosh! I remember when I read it over two years ago. I thought the same thing rosemay thought, that it's a tall order! IMPOSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE. And yet, when you have found the right person and have brought yourself to a decent level of mental and emotional health, ALL of these things just naturally fall into place. In fact, after awhile, most of the things on this list become second nature. I also like your list not2bforgot10x. I think I made another one, very similar to yours and posted it somewhere around here! |
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Post by winduptoy on Dec 7, 2011 19:51:06 GMT -8
I came here worried about my relationship, but reading this I've come to feel better. The thing we have a hard time with is working around the bickering inner children (those little so and sos don't fight fair, though our adult selves do) - we're both quick to feel attacked and when I get really angry I hate to let go of an argument even though I know it's naive - and tendencies to overreact. In my usual overreacting self I was worried that one silly argument would make us break up. But then I read this and thought 1. we have almost all of these qualities together and that's stronger than one fight and 2. if for some reason this DOES end our relationship, then it means it was never strong to begin with and ending it is for the best anyway. I hope with all my hope that it's situation 1, but if not, we aren't meant to be. And that's something I'll just have to deal with.
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 8, 2011 4:35:31 GMT -8
Very good perspective winduptoy!
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Post by carodelz on Nov 20, 2014 6:15:16 GMT -8
This is great. I look at the lists and I realize how much work I still have to do on myself. Onward!
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 4, 2015 10:22:22 GMT -8
I decided to revisit this list. Gosh! I remember when I read it over two years ago. I thought the same thing rosemay thought, that it's a tall order! IMPOSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE. And yet, when you have found the right person and have brought yourself to a decent level of mental and emotional health, ALL of these things just naturally fall into place. In fact, after awhile, most of the things on this list become second nature. I also like your list not2bforgot10x. I think I made another one, very similar to yours and posted it somewhere around here! Since first reading this list, I have gotten married and sometimes I think the list was too idealistic. Still it is a good outline and there are some things which are mandatory. But you will argue with your mate because in this day and age, unlike in our patriarchial past, marriage is a power struggle as well as a love affair. The degree to which you struggle will be dependent on the maturation of each partner. If you have enough self-esteem, wanting these things, and waiting to find them, will come naturally to you. You will know which ones to make mandatory and which ones are flexible. And remember that compatibility is not sharing the same traits, but developing a high tolerance for your differences. For instance, my husband takes his time and I am in a hurry. The only time we fight is when I am judging him and trying to change him. When I accept him for who is he we get along fine. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 6, 2015 12:03:41 GMT -8
But you will argue with your mate because in this day and age, unlike in our patriarchial past, marriage is a power struggle as well as a love affair. Unless you are with a partner who respects you and considers you EQUAL, that is. And this only comes from a man who has mentally moved into the present and doesn't still hold on to patriarchal ideals. These men exist!!! They were raised by strong, loving mothers who taught them that men and women are equal. I found one. DOn't get me wrong, I still argue with my spouse. But it's rarely about my "place" in the relationship or his. We tend to fight about parenting styles or we fight when we're both cranky, which doesn't happen often. |
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Post by loveellen on Jun 25, 2015 16:51:52 GMT -8
Unless you are with a partner who respects you and considers you EQUAL, that is. And this only comes from a man who has mentally moved into the present and doesn't still hold on to patriarchal ideals. These men exist!!! They were raised by strong, loving mothers who taught them that men and women are equal. I found one. DOn't get me wrong, I still argue with my spouse. But it's rarely about my "place" in the relationship or his. We tend to fight about parenting styles or we fight when we're both cranky, which doesn't happen often. like this |
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Post by loveelleng on Jun 10, 2018 2:51:39 GMT -8
I've decided that both partners must have grown up in healthy homes and had a lot of advantage in the first place. This is not true. Sandra and I both grew up in very dysfunctional homes and were quite damaged as indicated by our love addiction. But we had both advanced so far in recovery that when we met we were to both able to overcome our past and even heal together as a couple. No matter what happened in your childhood, you can heal and change. Then you are what I call "relationship material." Sandra and I were proof of this. |
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pjoncena97
New Member
Praying for a higher vision
Posts: 9
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Post by pjoncena97 on Jul 21, 2021 8:17:54 GMT -8
I wish I read this 5 years ago when I met my ex wife in an online matrimony site.
She was in Ukraine and me in India. My only criteria then was that girl has to be chaste and spiritual - no previous affairs/sexual relationship. The website I registered was for the Hare Krishnas group. So I believed it had genuine profiles. Anyway I neglected the most important part that was the distance. We were almost 7000 miles apart. There were also other differences, we didnt speak same language, she was raised up in different culture, faith , economic background was very poor and her nature was completely opposite of mine. But I ignored all the red flags because I was desperate and wanted to find someone to be with quickly. I was 29 , She was 32. I can now totally see my mistakes especially with the unavailability part. Long distance relationship are hard. We were both immature and avoidant that time. I was also very co dependent and afraid to tell her No when she proposed for marriage, because by then there was bond developed already. Even without being together physically. Three years later Im back to where it all started, single again. But I think now its better to remain single, celibate than to bond with unavailable people and living in anxiety and sometimes with glimpses of euphoria.
I now afraid to visit dating sites fearing I will end up making the same mistake again. 😒
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Post by godswill4power on Nov 22, 2021 19:30:55 GMT -8
SLAA has an amazing booklet on sober dating. It provides detailed support in terms of when someone is ready to start dating and how to avoid becoming addicted to a person. It recommends not dating until completing the 12 steps for love addiction.
The term “sober dating” is referring to not becoming addicted to a person. There are also several stories from love addicts who have learned how to date without becoming addicted.
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Cheryl
Junior Member
Posts: 72
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Post by Cheryl on Jun 15, 2022 11:51:13 GMT -8
This is a great list for keeping my standards high! If he can't meet them, then he can hit the door!
At fifty, it's time to stop the madness. I have tons of work to do before I am healthy, and if my husband doesn't work on himself, divorce could be in the future for us.
Right now, that, to me, just means staying single for the rest of my life because I am just too frightened to trust myself again with choosing a mate. I'm realizing my track record really is me being a bad "picker" and not understanding myself enough to understand why.
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Is it really possible?
