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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 20, 2007 16:14:11 GMT -8
The proper progression of a healthy relationship may vary but here are some guidelines:
1. Develop a fulfilling relationship with yourself before you attempt to have a romantic relationship. Romantic feelings can be like a tidal wave sweeping you out to sea if you are not securely tied to a relationship with yourself. Many of you may want to be swept out to sea, but this is not really healthy, and sometimes it is dangerous.
2. Selection is everything.
- Take your time.
- Do everything you can to keep from being blinded by your emotions.
- Know what you don't want (people who trigger your dysfunctional behavior).
- Be willing to change your mind if you usually “cling” and be willing to hang in there if you usually “run.”
- Look for someone healthy, and observe them objectively before you jump in.
- Look for someone who does not have to change very much too please you.
- Know what you do want. Make a list of the things that are mandatory and the things that are optional. Prioritize your list. Make sure you include things like availability, compatibility, honesty.
3. Dating:
- This is where you find out what this person is really like. Any false fronts should crumble after a few dates.
- Be yourself. You want someone to know who you really are.
- Measure your compatibility during this time.
- Establish trust.
- Hold off on sex if it blinds you to what this person is really like, and keep a lid on any budding romantic feelings. (You may feel them, but don't give them a lot of power by fantasizing too much.)
- Be willing to change your mind if you usually “cling” to unhealthy people and be willing to hang in there if you usually “run.”
4. Friendship:
- See if you can relax and have fun together.
- See if you can count on this person.
- Continue to see if there is enough compatibility to sustain this relationship.
- Build a strong foundation for a future romantic relationship.
5. Courtship:
- This is friendship with “an understanding” that things are going to become romantic.
- Romantic feelings can now have a free reign. See if they mix well with the friendship.
- You can let romantic love blossom now. You don't have to put a lid on your feelings anymore.
- Now you can test your readiness for intimacy. This is usually the time when a fear of intimacy comes up—if you have any.
6. Commitment:
- Now things are getting serious.
- Set ground rules for the relationship.
- Discuss things like fidelity, growing closer, the future, how much time you will have for each other. . .anything that is important to you.
7. Partnership:
During a partnership you should:
- Maintain what you have established up to now.
- Honor the values you have in common.
- Grow as a couple, as well as individuals.
- Get to really know each other and experience intimacy.
8. Switch:
At any point in the progression of the relationship, one partner may experience a fear of intimacy and pull back. Don't panic. Give your partner some space. However, if he or she does not come around in a few weeks, you should move on.
From Addiction to Love by Susan Peabody
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aj
Full Member
Posts: 116
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Post by aj on Nov 20, 2007 19:57:35 GMT -8
Thank you for posting this. I am not here yet but try to read this every now and then because I want this kind of thinking to become part of me. AJ
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Post by Rainbows Always on Nov 21, 2007 4:25:53 GMT -8
WoW!! Thats amazing. After reading that Ive come to realize that Ive never courted before. EVER!! And Ive only dated for a few weeks if that!!
And i think I mistook "romantic' feelings (which were always crazy) for 'friendship". And thus had sex very early on. Then got blinded by the feelings of the sex.
Then soon after it was "OMG I think I love him...."
INSANE!!
I think the next relationship I get into i will have to travel with the handbrake ON!!!!
shazX
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 21, 2007 17:00:31 GMT -8
I was 32 and in AA when I had my first date. It was terrific. I had been married. I had given birth to two children. I had had sex, but never dated. I love recovery.
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Post by pennycat on Nov 23, 2007 19:46:07 GMT -8
Read this one last night as well....printed it tonight. Will read and re-read!!
;D
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girl
New Member
Posts: 5
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Post by girl on Nov 25, 2007 22:13:16 GMT -8
Wow! How do you KNOW all this? Of course, it makes sense, but... I'm tired of feeling like everything I do in relationships is wrong.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 26, 2007 17:39:33 GMT -8
Wow! How do you KNOW all this? Of course, it makes sense, but... I'm tired of feeling like everything I do in relationships is wrong. Don't look at it as if you are wrong. You are learning through trial and error. The author of this article researched "healthy" relationships. I believe her reference was A Fine Romance by Judith Sills. She also learned a lot from her students. She is a teacher. Throw in learning from trial and error (25 years in recovery) and you have her point of view. |
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Post by takara24 on Dec 25, 2007 12:38:31 GMT -8
I am printing this out and putting it in my wallet!!! Thank you for sharing this.
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Post by Firststephie on Dec 30, 2007 14:14:46 GMT -8
I am still working on the healthy relationship with myself. Any ideas how to do that appropriately ?
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 30, 2007 16:10:20 GMT -8
I am still working on the healthy relationship with myself. Any ideas how to do that appropriately ? |
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Post by HelpNeeded on Feb 7, 2008 0:49:47 GMT -8
i always rush to fast through these steps. I need to learn to take it slow.
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Post by Rainbows Always on Feb 7, 2008 18:47:14 GMT -8
For us Love addicts, we need to SLOW right down, and start progressing in a healthy way. We go TOO FAST!!
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Post by magdalena on Mar 2, 2008 8:50:40 GMT -8
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Post by Rainbows Always on Mar 3, 2008 2:17:34 GMT -8
Have you read posts under "self esteem". Are you seeing a councillor as well as 12 step recovery??? We find this helps, using both. As suggested before, there is so much info here on the board. Most of us new to it, just read and read and read for the first few weeks at least. I know you want quick answers but we cant read it all for you. reading here is how we learn XX
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Post by rosemay on Jul 31, 2008 10:27:02 GMT -8
I am actually in a relationship that has been progressing exactly like this article suggests. We "met" last December, started dating in early May, but never even held hands until mid-June. Instead we did a great deal of talking and learning about each other and just hanging out. Went fishing a couple of times, things like that. He was also getting to know my daughter and forming a bond with her, which was so healthy for us.
Mid-June we progressed to holding each other and spending long hours on the phone, this went on for another month or so before we finally abandoned all caution and went for the intimacy.
Neither of us are interested in casual dating for dating's sake, but I have a fear of commitment going on, so we actually decided to commit to serious monogamous dating until late fall and then revisit a commitment then. If we decide to go for a real commitment, meaning marriage, we will then announce it to our families and community and set a date for late spring next year.
It feels so awesome to be with someone that has honored this healthy progression, has been so open and willing to discuss these things. I reviewed the ingredients of a healthy relationship as well and we pretty much have all of them.
I am sure that a lot of this stems from all the recovery work I have done, but I have to say that I see my addiction patterns running side by side with the recovery. The healthy progression has kept things in check, but the addictive behaviour still confuses me alot, especially in the arrea of trust, becuase I have this great fear that I am "creating him in my own image" and that one day he will take the mask off and won't be who I thought he was. I have scrutinized him terribly, but he's been very frank and honest and doesn't seem to mind my prying. he's got love addiction patterns running too and fear of abandonment, that's why commitment has been such an issue with us, and I have to say I like the feeling of our dating commitment, there's a security in it that is so comfortable for me. Our relationship relaxed a lot when we came to that point.
So anyway, with all that I am saying it is possible to create a healthy dating situation with the right person if you work your program. I have nio idea how this will all turn out, these mid-life romances are very complicated with kids on both sides and ex's and property and all that, but man, the good attention feels good.
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Post by judy on Jul 31, 2008 13:45:35 GMT -8
Sounds lovely rosemay. I'm glad you wrote that you believe this stems from all the recovery work you have done. I think it's good for newcomers to know that you don't find this program and all of a sudden find yourself in a great, healthy relationship. It takes work. And from the sounds of it, it's worth it.
Thanks!
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chrissy
Junior Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 75
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Post by chrissy on Aug 27, 2009 5:50:36 GMT -8
I need to believe in myself enough to walk away when it's not right..I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt far too longer than I should...
I know that I am capable of making that decision its trusting my inner voice.
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Post by Angel on Aug 27, 2009 6:43:25 GMT -8
I am so glad I found this! I have been puzzling over why my relationships have never worked out. I 'fell' into them too fast. My very first boyfriend I 'slept' with on the first night I met him. We didnt have sex because we were only 15 and indeed all we did was hug each other. We waited three years before we had sex and by then I was seriously addicted to him and a relationship addict. I have repeated this behaviour my whole life and until I read what was written at the top I was unsure of why I was going wrong.
To be honest I have done what I could based on what I knew. I have been working a 12 step program and at least i have the self esteem to know that I deserve better than what I had. This way I am learning about what I need from the inside out. In addition I have ordered some books and videos on communication and basically beginning to think about what I want in a relationship. This information I will print out and read again and again to remind me how to go about it - cos seriously I had no idea!
There is a saying 'Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result" I now realise that I had been "INSANE" with regard to relationships.
I too will slow things down and have a plan
Thanks Susan for posting this
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Post by cheri on Oct 31, 2009 2:03:19 GMT -8
my past relationship always went from health to unhealth at Step 5 courtship.
I think the key is fear in it, I usually think the other party got the fear. Now I find I got a lot of fears within me, when romantic feeling arise in me...I simply afraid to be true with myself. need to pretending, need fancy, projection etc.
Maybe I addict to romantic itself.
I find this secret recently... Now what do is I maintain only as friend until commitment, and observe what happen within me. I try to transform romantic feeling to friendly feeling.
Any one knows more way to let the fear go?
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seekingserenitynow
Full Member
3rd time with No Contact is feeling better every day. The obsessing is cooling WAY down. :)
Posts: 194
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Post by seekingserenitynow on Feb 1, 2010 17:05:59 GMT -8
This is nice, to have a nice, fairly simple & logical, progressive list of the stages from meeting to a serious relationship.
But MAN, is it HARD! I think it's the Love Addict in me ... and also just the confused 20-something with mixed messages flying at me from all directions!
There have been so many times I've wished things were as simple as back in the 50s (despite all the flaws in how it worked back then - different kinds of flaws from now): Meet. Go on a cute date at a soda shop. Go rollerskating. Wear his letter jacket. Hold hands. Kiss each other goodnight. Be his "girl" & everyone knows it.
Sigh.
The "natural" order of friends to dating to courting to commitment is just not something I've ever gotten.
The rare times I go on dates it's ridiculous how good the attention feels. I just lap it up. Because it's so rare that I've let myself find people who respect me enough to take me on real dates before I sleep with them (without them earning it ... the very definition of the word "cheap" ... oh, and by the way, I've noticed the lack of challenge I've posed tends to bore them anyway ... as if they'd rather me have enough self-esteem to expect EFFORT on their part).
Another problem I have is attracting people who DON'T want a challenge. If I don't sleep with them early on & make myself respect myself enough to hold back my flirting & desires & intimacy, it feels unnaturally cold to me. And they tend to react by losing interest.
Eek! So I'm having NEW problems now that I'm trying to approach dating with more self-esteem.
Haven't mastered the art of getting to know someone in a way that shows them I'm interested ... yet taking it slowly & holding back physically. I seem to go for one of the 2 extremes: Ice queen or easy.
*Sigh*
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seekingserenitynow
Full Member
3rd time with No Contact is feeling better every day. The obsessing is cooling WAY down. :)
Posts: 194
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Post by seekingserenitynow on Feb 1, 2010 17:08:26 GMT -8
P.S. Very interested to read A Fine Romance once it arrives at my local library.
Have been reading Getting The Love You Want. It is an INTENSE book. I can only handle it a bit at a time.
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Post by bklynrn on Feb 15, 2012 3:13:49 GMT -8
Ok...this is it!!...this is what I'm looking for and this will help me with a dating/relationship plan. A detailed breakdown with possible expectations and outcomes. Awesome!! Thank you Susan...
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Post by leadbelly on Feb 15, 2012 8:16:46 GMT -8
who knew?!!!!
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Post by Nix on Feb 6, 2015 13:25:53 GMT -8
This is great! I am in the courtship part but quite honestly i have let things get out of control and I am feeling out of control this man was just texting me far too much at the beginning and I did ask him to slow down and stop being intense , he stopped for a day and then it just grew from then and I stopped putting the boundary in place and I now it feels just unhealthy like I have completely allowed him to take over and take control of me. so now I am withdrawing and holding back and trying to get control of myself again as I can see and feel something is not right. one day at a time will see how things go I guess just trying not to obsess about it, give me strength!!
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Babysteps
Junior Member
I will beat this addiction-I will learn to love and accept myself exactly as I am-I will be free :)
Posts: 58 
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Post by Babysteps on Mar 13, 2015 0:33:57 GMT -8
These guidelines are great. Thank you so much @susanpeabody - a great reference point.
I have 'seen' this guy a few times - so far we have kept it totally platonic and I have not seen any red flags that cause me to want to run in the oppisite direction. He is attentive without being over bearing, he is easy to talk to, he is good and sensible company and he seems happy to go the pace that I have set up....so the question is why do I feel as if he triggers me???
Is it because he is 'normal'?? No dramas so far? And this scares the freak out of me??!!
Or is it because this is too good to be true?? Is it because I am not quite ready to have a normal relationship?? I still feel I have a lot of work to do on my love addiction, and moving into this would mean that I havent faced everything I need to face to know that I am fully recovered?? Or is it because I am looking more into it than I should, nothing more than friendship has happened at this point and perhaps nothing more than friendship will take place.
Anyway, I am having lunch with him today and all I have done is dream and think about him last night. I want to look him up him on social media (I have managed to restrain myself which is fantastic as this is one of my MAJOR unhealthy behaviours) and I want to obssess about him....which I am doing everything possible not to do. Writing on here is one great way for me to clear my mind - and though I can feel these thoughts in the back of my head, I am trying not to give them too much power.
The most interesting part is that I also want to desperatley stalk and fantasize about my ex-POA. I wanted to look him up on FB, Whatsapp etc, as if 'seeimg' him again would help centre me. I know that is not true, And despite some very strong and overwhelming feelings I have managed not to do it as all it would mean is that I am avoiding myself. It will temporairly help me avoid these strange feelings that I am experiencing and that is unhealthy. I need to work through them and understand why they are there, not hide behind my addiction.
As usual, thank you for listening. This people on this board have been a life saver and I will be forever grateful for the lessons and advice they have given me.
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