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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 26, 2009 16:47:31 GMT -8
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Post by Angel on Dec 27, 2009 1:29:12 GMT -8
This is interesting Susan!
One of the articles said this; "A very interesting thing is that chocolate is known to have very high level of this chemical¡Kperhaps that¡¦s the reason why it is considered a perfect gift for valentine."
One of my POA had an addiction to dark chocolate. He told me 'I have needs (sexual) that aren't being met and this helps me!" He was one who threw himself at me and then had a massive attack of guilt, he was very similar to my POA who brought me here six months ago.
Last night I was sitting in a bar with some acquaintances and since I am not drinking and avoiding relationships and flirting etc,. I had a feeling of depression that wouldn't lift. I felt teary and sad (time of the month etc,) and I went running outside to get chocolate icecream! It is snowing now and i HAD to have chocolate icecream.
I felt better! I don't see it as a problem. I would much rather damage my teeth (waistline isn't an issue) than put myself in a situation where I was trying to get a fix from romance and back in trouble again!
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Post by Angel on Dec 27, 2009 1:44:36 GMT -8
Wow! I just realised some things from reading this;
In romantic love, when two people have sex, oxytocin is released, which helps bond the relationship. According to researchers at the University of California, San Francisco, the hormone oxytocin has been shown to be "associated with the ability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships and healthy psychological boundaries with other people." When it is released during orgasm, it begins creating an emotional bond -- the more sex, the greater the bond.
I realise one of the ways in which I control my feelings is by not climaxing. I now see how I am trying to protect myself. I was worried about it but now I realise. I am sensitive to the seretonin levels and can fall in love quickly. I know now how important it is for me to avoid sex in early relationships cos I totallly 'lose' myself in the relationship once we have sex.
Also, I am INCREDIBLY sensitive to smell. I get high off my POA's smell! Am going to be much more careful next time.
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Post by geedee on Dec 27, 2009 3:35:40 GMT -8
Thanks for these links Susan!
Angel that is so true! I have always had a thing about my
husband's smell. However, when i was with my POA that one time I had to try really hard not to make it obvious i could smell absolutely NOTHING! no smell whatsoever, not even soap. I felt like an animal looking for a scent and not being able to find it. Something was definitely missing
But I've been wondering if maybe my 'sensors' were deactivated because deep down I knew I shouldn't have been with him.
That night there was definitely no physical chemistry for me but the explosion of chemicals in my head when i wasn't with him in the real world was mind blowing.
I could never get enough of him in cyberspace. I was truly a 'love' junkie and when i realised he would never be able to give me the fix i so desperately needed as often as i needed, for me it really was change or die (as I've already posted elsewhere.)
this article says it all...
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Post by geedee on Dec 27, 2009 3:48:07 GMT -8
The those of us on here who fell for a highschool sweetheart or somebody we knew to be a womaniser ( I got both in the same package...  ) glad I got out after 16 mths. no intention of going there again...now where's the chocolate?  From www.buzzle.comWe can blame our chemicals for everything. We had a list of attributes ready for matching, but we just end up falling in love with the person who possesses none of them…it is , as they say, chemistry. Social obligations, other relationships, sense and sensibility, all take a back seat; our mind soars with these natural drugs. No wonder, a lover and a madman are said to be alike. Scientists also opine that this `clicking’ would be with a person with whom we can identify a parent-child situation. A person who, in our subconscious, will give us back something we feel we lost during our growing up years. For some it is security, for some others, it is warmth, and then others, just a spirit of adventure. This could be the reason why demure, well brought up girls usually fall for wastrels. This subconscious selection of mate gets our phenylethylamines and other chemicals moving. This period when our brain is awash with the love hormones lasts for different durations in different people, between six months to three years. In most of us, it settles down after that. For mercurial people, this high is missed and that’s the reason why they need another temporary high….another relationship, another chemical fix. If these love junkies stay married, they will need new relationships to keep their dope, and sometimes, bigger highs. hence bigger risks. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 27, 2009 4:23:47 GMT -8
Greta, and others,
Great excerpts, but it makes me think how modern psychology is perpetuating the false belief that we are victims of our biology, led astray by chemicals and hormones. While this is partly true at a very primal level, we are, after all, a human animal, NOT a dog or a chicken or a cow. That is to say that our LOGICAL BRAIN can and should guide us. That is to say our conscious brain is what separates us from the rest of the animals. We are NOT victims of our biology if we don't want to be. We can be, of course, if we are not paying attention. And this is where Love Addicts have to take matters into their own hands and begin to make CONSCIOUS CHOICES about their lives.
I am, or rather was, subconsciously attracted to dark swarthy bad boys. For the longest time it seemed something I had no control over. I was a victim of my inherent biology. And yet, I knew that if I was ever to get better, healthier, I had to change this subconscious drive and attraction and start using my brain when it came to dating. My senses, emotions and hormones, after all, had betrayed me in the past, and were at times, hugely unreliable. And while smell, taste, touch, sight and chemicals shooting all over the place is important, it should not be the driving force which propels your every move.
We are both feeling animals and thinking animals and it is IMPERATIVE to be true to BOTH sides of our nature if we are to be healthy.
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Post by geedee on Dec 27, 2009 4:33:54 GMT -8
oh I agree with you Telmita.
I had problems with serotonin levels seven years ago but fell into depression and not in love with somebody!
we have free will and must not react at a primal level but with my POA I was very aware of some kind of chemical imbalance. my reactions were way off the scale.
the reason I ended it was because it was WRONG. he was married and so was I. and what we were doing was immoral even if he said it wasn't because it 'wasn't hurting our spouses as they didn't know about our affair'
it's still interesting to see how the chemicals can and do affect your judgment and cloud your vision. people are said to die of a 'broken heart'. let's not forget what physical consequences there can be to our madness.
Sometimes a pill can actually sort out a chemical imbalance and help us to get back on track. Luckily i only needed anti anxiety meds for a few days at the beginning of withdrawal. the forum and support i got here and my HP meant that I could cope without after just a week or so.
now that I'm seeing more clearly, without the hormonal rush 24/7, I can see my relationship with my POA for what it really was. a huge mistake.
I believe I now have the knowledge never to make the same mistake again. but not going to become complacent. once a love junkie...
greta
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Post by winnie on Dec 27, 2009 5:29:06 GMT -8
I agree greta, it is really interesting to see how these chemicals can affcet us, its weird when some of the elements we assosciate with 'love' are not present it makes it harder to fall in love. I do not have a 'thing' about my boyfreinds smell. i have always had a 'thing' for men in the past. this has actually been an issue for me and somehting that prevented the relationship moving forward before.
I agree with T also, we cant let anything stand in our way of taking reasponsability, but if you do recognise a pattern you have from these articles then it could be an empowering thing if you choose to see it that way- knowledge is power and all that.
winnie
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Post by Angel on Dec 27, 2009 5:47:11 GMT -8
The weird thing was when I chose my last major POA the one that brought me here, I THOUGHT I was choosing him rationally. We met through a website dating service and we matched on so many levels that I had been looking for; education (he had double degrees too), sports (we had very similar exercising and sporting habits), hobbies (we both liked reading and travelling). He had a good job, had been in a long term relationship and ended it cos of infidelity (hers he said which was similar to me!), we both were shy and nervous about meeting but we got on really well online. We could feel the chemisty before we met but we were never really sexual online, more geeky actually! But when we met, WOW the pheromones went beserk! It was seriously intense!
Strange thing was that apart from that we really connected and talked for a long time about our interests. I THOUGHT that by doing it that way we would have established common ground like in the old fashioned way of dating. I mean really, our conversations were about science, sports, philosophy, anthropology, travelling etc,. NOT the sort of thing that you associate with online dating. We were really really like a couple of happy geeks online chatting about everything intellectually! He was intelligent enough to be able to follow my thoughts and my line of thinking which is pretty intense and fast. Most guys can't keep up with me and a lot I find really boring. I really don't think it was a mistake, even my friends said before we met each other; "You two guys sound as if you are made for each other!"
It just went seriously wrong cos I got frightened and pushed the sabotage button! Islept with him on the first night we met! :-( It was an amazing night, very intense but WAYYYY tooo soon for such a thing. He panicked and withdrew only to calm down too late - by the time he was ready to talk (three months later) I had panicked and didn't want to talk to him. I feel very, very sad about it all.
I have spoken to my sponsor about this and yes I am a love addict but I really really did try to use my brain to find someone who was more suited to me than say any of the other guys, particularly K who was really hot but a player and as dumb as a box of rocks (well compared to R who was a medical scientist).
A lot of the guys I now meet are just as hot and attractive but R was INTELLIGENT and had the same interests and I guess that was why I feel so incredibly sad about everything and miss him so much. It was like I didn't like myself and had to sabotage one of the best things I had ever found.
When I did my fourth and fifth step we identified this as a major shortcoming of mine. I also like to be made the victim and push guys into roles that make me seem as if I am the one who has been victimised!
I am working through this all but feel sad about everything and wonder what sort of person I would really be suited to afterall. I mean I DID what seemed the logical thing only to blow it emotionally!
I am now aware of my relationship patterns and working to change them but feel sad about what I have done. I think also it was a major step for me making amends to him cos I accepted that I had played a major part in what happened between us. I mean the poor guy was completely stunned and overwhelmed! We had been getting on SO well and enjoying ourselves and I went and stuffed it up!
Sad, really sad stuff! The things we do to punish ourselves.
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Post by ok2bme on Dec 27, 2009 11:02:30 GMT -8
Wow, Angel, all the things you had in common with R would have me thinking he was the one too. I've never had sex on the first date, or the first month...but it always strikes me as funny when that becomes the deal breaker. It takes two & both consenting adults are obviously into it at the time. I just always hear about that even outside of love addiction & it always puzzled me. I wont be doing that just cuz I know it's a social no no but I don't get why sometimes.
The main thing is that you see far past this & your are seeing that somethings need to be healed inside you. When you know better, you will do better. Don't be so hard on yourself, it was just a way to discover the deeper issues.
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Post by geedee on Apr 11, 2010 11:26:31 GMT -8
Just posting on this thread so that newcomers read about the 'chemistry of love' and get an idea of why it is so difficult to get thru withdrawal when we first go NC...
I still get waves of obsessive thoughts 6 mths after ending my r/s. Nowhere near as bad as I was but the chemicals are obviously still circulating
G
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