Signs of a Healthy Partner

Thanks for this Telmita, You read my mind!

Dear Bluejay and Telmita,

Yes I have friends who have married guys like this but I haven't found one yet myself. I realise that I need to possess all of those characteristics in order to attract one.

My thoughts for me on that are:

-a good reputation among his/her peers (my friends love and respect me but they know what I have been through. I am generally considered very intense and a little wild but a really good mother)
-no history of cheating or fooling around (not once have I ever cheated)
-no history of drugs or other addictions (only the love addiction, sigh!)
-a history of stability and commitment in a loving relationship, maybe even children and marriage (I have kids and they love me and I love them but my marriage was a sham, now it is over I would accept a divorcee or a widower but never married worries me)
-financial stability and security (knows how to handle their money) gee I am not good at this. I mean day to day stuff, not dramatic but I am not good at saving lots of money. My ex is still very much in the drivers seat with the finances and I want to correct that cos it gives him too much power over me.
-an ability to experience intimacy (not just intensity) Nope don't score highly there - as a recovering Ambivilent/Romantic LA I am still all over the place with this. I mean seriously I am scared of Weddings and committment. I would rather go to a funeral than a wedding for some reason. Major issues there and have been since I was 18 and my parents divorced)
-a strong, loving family (apart from my two daughters I don't reallly have a good family support - I guess that is where my friends and this LAA forum and Alanon fellowship fill in for that lack)
-values, moral and beliefs that YOU agree with and respect (pretty strong in this department)
-an ability to be independent and take care of himself or herself (hmm, my friends think I project an aura of total independence. They say that men are afraid of me and see me as not needing them, which is strange cos I 'feel' so needy. Many have told me I need to learn how to be vulnerable)
-interests other than sex and dating (Kickboxing, yoga, salsa dancing, starting to interested in my business again, maybe in time will do some studies but baby steps yet)
-normal healthy behavior (Huh! what is that?)
-a genuine sense of gratitude (is grateful) (am grateful for my two beautiful, intelligent, loving and healthy girls, for my house, my friends and my good health and the support of Alanon and LAA fellowship)
-a genuine love of life (is happy) this is increasing. I find my happy times are genuine happy times and not fake or based on fleeting sorts of happiness
-compassion, sensitivity, kindness, hope and a positive outlook on life (got those in bucketloads)

Guess the healthy stuff will just take time.
no longer feeling the 'need' for a relationship, now I just want to get healthy and feel comfortable in myself.

Yep Honesty is really important to me. I had to first become honest with myself about my behaviour and my motives first before I could start to recover. Admitting I am a love addict and what that means in my life is where I have been for the last month and working on steps one through three.

It has been hard work but I am glad I have done it.

Dear Bluejay,

This is great to hear. I have been experiencing the state of "Knurd". My favourite author Terry Pratchett coined the word to describe the state of being so far sober that you come out the other side. You are so aware of everything and everyone and all that you have done that you are completely overwhelmed!

That is how I feel now that I can no longer hide behind my fantasies and imaginings of a bright and shiney future that are built around some mythical creature who will come and save me from the stuffpy parts of my life (note I say parts cos some of it is really good ;-)).

So I can't spend my time thinking about or obsessing about someone else anymore cos now I KNOW that it is unhealthy and I have ADMITTED what I do to avoid the pain of life when it gets too much. Everytime I start to go there I pull myself back from lala fantasy land.

When you tell me that you not only met your husband but managed to keep him when you admit in yourself you felt so fragile and vulnerable makes me feel a healthy form of hope. I guess one of the reasons I keep coming back to this website is to see that there are people in all levels of recovery. Some just started, some back again, some a bit complacent until the next bump in the road, but all of them here! and dealing with the issues at hand one at a time.

I feel hopeful and peaceful when I know others out there are still working it and still able to maintain relationships.

thankyou

Dawnbelieves, You make a great point about adding to your "list" with your own personal items of importance. This is REALLY IMPORTANT because it helps YOU to recognize that YOU have your own taste in men. You might be OK with a man who dresses grungy, whereas I may not be. You might really need your partner to have a musical side to him/her, I may need an artist! Not that we will find those things, but they are fun to add to the list. The big picture though is that you recognize the importance of stable, healthy qualities as opposed to superficial, temporary ones.

I found the list interesting to do with my exPoA, H & myself. I gave us each a one if my first thought was YES & a zero if no.
Me-12
ExPoA-14
H-16

Very interesting. At a workshop it was said we attract what we are at the time & not what we want at the time...what we are.

I'd like to use this list as a reference to become a better quality me. Some of the qualities I had at one time but lost them through my addiction.

I thought my exPoA would have got the lower score...that's kinda awkward. Anyway, lots of work ahead. It was helpful. Thanks!

Oh, and I think this is one of my new favorite affirmations, based on this thread:

"Be the person you wish to attract.
Be the person you wish to attract.
Be the person you wish to attract."

The man I recently broke up with has 11 of these 23 qualities, and some of the others he partly has, depending on the particular area of his life we are taking about.
I broke up with him because his involvements with his past lovers and his wife made me very insecure. I do not have any proof that he had or would have sex with any of these women. Yesterday, I met with my slaa sponsor. As it turns out, she not only knows him but her friends tried to set her up with him. She was seeing someone at the time, unbeknownst to them, so they never connected. But she, like everyone says, said, he seems like a really nice guy. But there it is... ANOTHER on of his female connections. I am freaking out.
Oh my God! Have I thrown away a perfectly good partner just because of my insecurities! Did I blow it! It has been 3 weeks this morning since we broke up. I miss him horribly. And now, reading that he has many qualities that one should look for in healthy partner.
I have no idea what to do.

Marajade--

Two love addicts recovering or otherwise don't really make for a good pair. Look for healthy. By age 40 a healthy person should have been in at least ONE committed long term relationship. This is a sign of stability. (SOmething I myself lacked, but that didn't stop me from expecting better standards for myself when it came to finding it in my partner--quite frankly, I was sick and tired of dating LAs, avoidants, addicts and other bottom feeders-- what's wrong with having higher standards? Ask yourself the same question.) That being said, I don't find it unfair or hypocritical-- the ultimate goal of recovery is to get better and do better for ourselves. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Trust me.

So, the short answer: YES YOU CAN EXPECT HIM TO HAVE HAD A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP.

Maybe its just me ... maybe its just my cynical nature lately since being heartbroken ... but does anyone feel like a "Healthy" partner is a pipe dream ? We all have some issues, some trauma, failed relationships, dysfunctional histories and self esteem issues ... so Is anyone really "Healthy" out there ?

Most of the lists i have read above .... are IMHO unrealistic.

Is it just me ?

I never got a chance to respond to Emo's comment, and I suppose it's a bit late, but....

This list is NOT unrealistic and I don't think it's entirely rare either.

I think we are so influenced by reality TV and horror novels etc. that we tend to believe what Hollywood and the media would like us to believe about men being liars, cheaters, clueless, arrogant or downright bad and women being manipulative, shallow and materialistic. While there are a ton of people out there like that, "everyone" is not.

I want to stress something, and this is VERY IMPORTANT to understand: most of us are coming from very dysfunctional worlds. Our parents may have been dysfunctional and so their circle of friends and family was also dysfunctional. We, essential became a part of that dysfunctional world and grew up to believe life was a certain way--BECAUSE THAT WAS ALL WE KNEW. We went on to create dysfuncitonal circles of our own, dating dysfunctional people and living dysfunctional lives.

But not everyone is like "us." Many MILLIONS of people were raised in loving households, in good families, with good parents. There are people out there with strong, beautiful, confident personalities that do know how to treat others. There are kindhearted, trusting men and women in the world who are not perfect, but whose intentions and ACTIONS are good overall.

Don't limit yourself to your own world. Don't limit yourself to your own circle. Look outside your circle. Start to focus your attention on what you think "healthy" is and find people that may inspire you.

A quick story: I was in therapy a few years ago, bemoaning the fact that my then PoA whom I was dating smoked pot. I didn't like this and I said to her, "why is it that every guy I meet has an addiction?!" Her response changed my life! She said, "You may have to accept his pot smoking because there are not many people left in the world who don't do drugs of some sort."

Huh? What?

For months I believed her. I went home and accepted my PoA's pot smoking and shut up. And I too was convinced that there wasn't anyone left in the world that didn't do drugs or drink. But then a thought occurred to me: my brother didn't drink or do drugs. My mother didn't. My step dad didn't. My sis-in-law didn't, my teacher at school didn't.....I wrote out a list of EVERYONE I knew who had no drug or alcohol addiction and there were HUNDREDS on my list.

My therapist was wrong! She gave me bad advice based on her own skewed belief system. And yet, she saved me. She saved me because she forced me to recognize how very wrong she and I were about the world. ANd once I was able to see that I was wrong (that everyone is not a drunk or drug addict), I was able to BELIEVE that I could do better for myself. That my values had value, that i wasn't unrealistic and that I COULD find someone clean...and if I couldn't, I would be happy with being alone. Because I was not about to accept drugs in my life anymore.

So...I implore all of you! Believe that this list is NOT unrealistic. There, of course, are degrees of kindness, degrees of trust. But you CAN find someone that shares your same level of kindness and compassion. You CAN find someone who makes you say, "Yes, this is a good man (or woman)." But you MUST believe... and you must be most if not all of these things on the list as well...

T

Hi Diane,

I think anything is possible in the petrie dish of life! But I think that for the two of you to have a good relationship it will take extra effort. Just you working on your own is one thing, but add him to the mix and it's even more difficult. It will take lots of patience, understanding and it will take the both of you having reached a certain level of health to be able to deal with each others' faults. It will also take a desire (from both of you) to want to stay together.

When I was in the beginning stages of recovery I hung around with a lot of "recovering" alcoholics and love addicts. I think it was necessary at the time. And there was a lot of good talk about recovery between these people. But eventually, I discovered in myself that I wanted to move beyond recovery and did not want "recovery" in and of itself to be my whole life. When that happened, I felt I had "outgrown" many of the relationships with people who had made recovery their whole life.

So, just be aware and know yourself. As long as the relationship never becomes bigger than your own needs and your own spiritual path you should be OK. No relationship is without problems. There is still bickering, still discussing, still complaints, and friction. But the healthier you both are, (and the more compatible) the easier it is to RESOLVE these problems.

Diane-- you sound like you've got your act together and that you know yourself well. WHat a wonderful accomplishment! Keep up the good work and good luck with figuring it out.

Paisley,
Thanks so much for your kind words. In the beginning he texted a lot and just as I was going to say something he started calling so I thought okay. When I confronted him about the text breakoff he said he was responding to something I had texted....not true. When I expressed pain over how he did it he did not address my feelings. So you are right, good riddance! It doesn't take much courage to write words.....

You know I went back over your list of signs of a Healthy Partner and there were several that were not there for him. He was not happy, he still struggled with depression (something I tend to gravitate towards in men), and he didn't have a very full and rich life. His commitment history was abysmal with the last one a rescue mission only. In fact I teased him a bit that what would he do with me since I didn't need rescuing. It was such a great learning for me, it takes a lot of time to get to know someone. I am really glad I ventured out in the water again, the learning is invaluable.