honey
Junior Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 70
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Post by honey on Jan 11, 2013 10:05:33 GMT -8
Dear LovelyJune geat answer I truly believe in what you mean by being attracted and considering your own taste but not ignore the lasting (long-term) qualities I do agree with the fact that I choose partners which are not real matches for me to scape intimacy . As I read somewhere INTIMACY= INTO ME SEE it means I genuinely do not believe that I am good and I am enough , whereas I am very beautiful, responsible, hardworking, but I do not have enough self-esteem. It is why I always dated men beneath me!! It is due to receiving CONDITIONAL LOVE in my childhood If you do so... you are good girl If you do that ...you are not a good girl... I do pray for all the parents to be able to give UNCONDITIONAL love to their children .....TRUE LOVE=UNCONDITIONAL LOVE I should try to be able to accept what I am and be happy deeply within me and I think this acceptance of my true self should be a start to find love with my GOD, NATURE, PARTNER ..
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intothelight
New Member
Behind every image I have made, the truth remains unchanged. --A Course in Miracles
Posts: 5
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Post by intothelight on Jun 3, 2013 8:50:59 GMT -8
This thread is just what I need. Thanks to everyone for your comments. LJ, especially.
I dated a PoA last summer, and broke it off, basically because he had broken it off without saying anything. If I was healthier, I would have just let it go, but I did the best I could.
Since then, I fantasized that he wanted me but was afraid to contact me, etc., but am coming to terms with reality. He doesn't want me in his life. I am glad, because he is not the kind of man I want in mine. I have had NC (via Facebook) for about a month now. I deactivated my FB account due to many mutual friends and a mutual private page.
My dilemma: I met a man two months ago, a widower for 8 months. He has many of the good qualities that are listed. I feel a little hemmed in by him. He was married for 33 years and says his relationship with his wife was very good, not perfect, but she was his best friend. I don't know him well enough to know everything about him. He lives about 3 hours from me. He really likes me a lot, and I like him too, I just do not want to hold hands with him, kiss him, etc.
And I have heard so much about relationships that are really good, "they" say that sex is not that important. I was afraid that I was feeling this way because I was afraid and acting as an avoidant.
Do I continue to get to know him, and hope that attraction will follow, or do I give up now? I know this decision has to ultimately be mine, but would really appreciate any comments or experience, strength and hope.
Thanks all!
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intothelight
New Member
Behind every image I have made, the truth remains unchanged. --A Course in Miracles
Posts: 5
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Post by intothelight on Jun 3, 2013 12:10:53 GMT -8
requin,
Thank you so much for responding. I agree with everything you wrote. As a love addict/avoidant, I sometimes do not trust myself, and need to hear it from someone else, especially someone in a program such as this.
The only reason I have given this man any chance at all, is he is one of the kindest people I have ever met, and that seemed worth exploring.
I am thinking that no, I do not want to try any longer though, and am experiencing the letdown that occurs after I think perhaps I have found somebody who I could be with, then it doesn't work out. : (
These are just feelings, and this is a part of life. I can get through this too. It's all a learning experience, right?
Thanks again for responding.
: )
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Post by Summer_Azure on Apr 13, 2014 13:07:59 GMT -8
I never knew what to look for in a good man, so i kept going after my "ideal." I looked for superficial things when I met guys: looks, if they were sexy and good in bed, if they needed to be taken care of, etc. I never felt comfortable with apparent "good guys." they all seemed boring to me. it was the bad boy that made me feel like I had the potential to love and be "alive." I may have been attracted to bad boys, but sadly, I had a very immature notion of a good partner. When my priorities changed, my "ideal" man changed, and it has made all the difference in the world. Here is a list of things I believe are really good indicators that you may be on your way to a better relationship (when you read this list, though, know that these qualities must also be in you!) No one is "perfect" and no one will have all these things (or maybe they will!) but the idea is to be able to see what you should be looking for when you are ready to date again. That good qualities are not necessarily based on looks or "chemistry" but rather on the more concrete truths of their history and the way they have lived their life up to the point of meeting you! Above all else, know that it takes TIME to discover these traits in someone. You cannot meet someone and instantly know that they possess all these things. If you think you can, you have a very shallow notion of getting to know someone and this may need to be something to think about during recovery. He or she has.... -an honest nature! -a good reputation among his/her peers -no history of cheating or fooling around -no history of drugs or other addictions (unless it is WAY in their past and resolved through their actions) -a history of stability and commitment in a loving relationship, maybe even children and marriage -financial stability and security (knows how to handle their money). -an ability to experience intimacy (not just intensity) -a strong, loving family -values, moral and beliefs that YOU agree with and respect -an ability to be independent and take care of himself or herself -interests other than sex and dating -normal healthy behavior -a genuine sense of gratitude (is grateful) -a genuine love of life (is happy) -compassion, sensitivity, kindness, hope and a positive outlook on life - a loyal nature -willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship -well-roundedness and smart -fun, funny, can laugh at himself or herself -optimistic, but realistic -not afraid of struggling, -able to defer gratification -not avoidant of his or her responsibilities
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Post by Loving My Life on Apr 13, 2014 15:56:35 GMT -8
I just started reading a suggested book from this forum, "A Fine Romance", by Judith Sills..
We have to know what we want in a relationship first.
If it is just a casual relationship from the start, that is probably all it will ever be. We really have to form a mutual relationship with each and the relationship grows from there.
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 14, 2014 1:56:37 GMT -8
Indeed, Loving My Life. Set your standards first. Know YOURSELF and what your values are first. It then becomes much easier to identify an appropriate partner.
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Anna
Junior Member
Posts: 74
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Post by Anna on Apr 14, 2014 6:05:07 GMT -8
You know, I think I meet most of those requirements for a healthy partner! I have grown a lot over the past couple years. The only one I don't meet is the financial security thing - I have two advanced degrees but the money I earn is DISMAL. I'm really going to have to declare bankruptcy and I'm seeing a bankruptcy lawyer about that this week. Do you think this would keep someone from wanting me - I do worry about that. I have gone through a divorce and moved out of another state where I was making almost triple what I do now, so that's why I have had financial issues. Plus, my ex spouse didn't work for 10 of our 12 years being married so we racked up quite the debts.
Long story short, is this going to keep healthy people from wanting to go out with me?
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Post by loveellen on Jan 23, 2015 4:04:20 GMT -8
Indeed, Loving My Life. Set your standards first. Know YOURSELF and what your values are first. It then becomes much easier to identify an appropriate partner. iknow, but i already 37.years old. 99% people married already
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 23, 2015 4:41:04 GMT -8
No. 99% are NOT married. This is a false statistic that you are telling yourself to undermine your chances of finding someone. HALF the world's population is single. But, you need to work on yourself FIRST. Men are not going anywhere. They will still be there when you are ready.
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Post by James C T on Jan 23, 2015 7:35:01 GMT -8
Indeed, Loving My Life. Set your standards first. Know YOURSELF and what your values are first. It then becomes much easier to identify an appropriate partner. iknow, but i already 37.years old. 99% people married already I didn't get married the first time until I was 38. You can find someone.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 23, 2015 9:46:12 GMT -8
To loveellen and Every Single here, I have known couples who have found each other in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s. Age does not really matter. If it is for you, it is for you. Period. However, before you find someone else, you have to find yourself first; the meaning and purpose of your life, and then be grateful and enjoy being alone. Because only after you have established your relationship with yourself, only then you can find someone else worthwhile.Remember that no one else can make us happy or sad without our active participation. It all comes from within.
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 23, 2015 19:30:33 GMT -8
From Susan . . . Amen
If love were a wheel, worshipping romantic love would be like having a wheel with one spoke. Won't get us very far. Romantic love [limerence] used to be the only kind of love on my list. Then, one day, I fell in love with a benevolent force in the universe whom I choose to call Spirit. It was erotic, to my surprise. From there love grew like flowers in a garden. Limerence was just one of many shades of roses. Suddenly my love addiction became: "Looking for love in all the wrong places; looking for love in all the wrong faces." [old song] Like Faith look for love everywhere . . . Look for love in God; it is unconditional and never waivers. Look for love in the mirror of your soul. Family Bliss of creativity Friends [img src=" " alt=" "]
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 24, 2015 12:15:32 GMT -8
iknow, but i already 37.years old. 99% people married already I didn't get married the first time until I was 38. You can find someone. The third step demands that we wait. As my sponsor told me once when I complained, "pay your dues." I want to encourage you. I was addicted to unrequited love and the first time I was loved romantically I was 56 years old. On my honeymoon I called my therapist at three in the morning and told him that it was all worth waiting for. But in recovery, romantic love is a "want" not a "need." On the other hand, God's love is available now for the asking. He is especially fond of your inner child. P.S. Don't concern yourself about the package love comes in. Just open the box God sends to you. The love of my live grew on me over time.
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Post by loveellen on Sept 4, 2015 4:10:21 GMT -8
China Angel, Good that you are looking at yourself with these same positive characteristics in mind. How do people see you? What can you work on? Do you want to change and, if so, in what ways? When I met my husband, I was very much a work in progress. I wasn't as healthy as he was. I got frustrated easily, had a short temper, couldn't handle situations well, was fairly intolerant and didn't have a wide circle of friends. He was definitely the "better person". His patience and gentleness and support helped me to develop some more positive characteristics. It was awesome! He doesn't know this weird, anxious, insecure, crazy LA side of me. He's seen me act out with my POA and get all torn about her, but he's never directly experienced any of this unusual behavior from me. I'm so thankful for that. Having something real and healthy has made it much easier to weather this current POA storm. It has, however, also made me realize that I need to spend more time paying attention to this good man and that I don't ever want to take his love, attention and presence in my life for granted. He doesn't "WOW" me like my POA, but he's the real deal in every way. I feel guilty that I don't always recognize him for being the awesome man and partner that he has been to me over all these years. I've still got work to do....! o you are so lucky, i almost jealous of a person like you :)kidding. all the guys in my life are big lairs, liars. toxics, I never met a really honest good heart person. never.. never met a really good heart, patient, tolerant, really good heat, honest person ,never.
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Post by loveellen on Sept 4, 2015 4:15:53 GMT -8
Dear LovelyJune geat answer I truly believe in what you mean by being attracted and considering your own taste but not ignore the lasting (long-term) qualities I do agree with the fact that I choose partners which are not real matches for me to scape intimacy . As I read somewhere INTIMACY= INTO ME SEE it means I genuinely do not believe that I am good and I am enough , whereas I am very beautiful, responsible, hardworking, but I do not have enough self-esteem. It is why I always dated men beneath me!! It is due to receiving CONDITIONAL LOVE in my childhood If you do so... you are good girl If you do that ...you are not a good girl... I do pray for all the parents to be able to give UNCONDITIONAL love to their children .....TRUE LOVE=UNCONDITIONAL LOVE I should try to be able to accept what I am and be happy deeply within me and I think this acceptance of my true self should be a start to find love with my GOD, NATURE, PARTNER .. same as you !!! all the people in my life are toxics and abusers ! my life is horrible. but what I feel is that I feel terrible about myself.. because my mom is narcarsisist, and all the relatives in my childhood are narcisast too. i feel very very very very horrible and sad about my young age 20s and 30s. TEARS TEARS
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 4, 2015 12:05:49 GMT -8
same as you !!! all the people in my life are toxics and abusers ! my life is horrible. If "all the people" in your life are toxic and abusive, then that makes YOU toxic and abusive too. Think about it. Water seeks its own level. Like begets like. If you believe this to be true, then you must work on becoming more loving to yourself and others, and...find different friends. Why surround yourself with toxic and abusive people? YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 4, 2015 12:27:22 GMT -8
same as you !!! all the people in my life are toxics and abusers ! my life is horrible. At my request, you have been put on a path of positive thinking. So this is a minor slip. Let's tray again . . . Some of the people in my life are mentally ill and abusive. As a result my life is temporarily horrible. But this is just a bump in the road. I have the power to stay away from, or ignore, these people and be happy. I have the power to do this. I can do this. I will do this starting now.
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Post by loveellen on Sept 4, 2015 14:24:56 GMT -8
same as you !!! all the people in my life are toxics and abusers ! my life is horrible. If "all the people" in your life are toxic and abusive, then that makes YOU toxic and abusive too. Think about it. Water seeks its own level. Like begets like. If you believe this to be true, then you must work on becoming more loving to yourself and others, and...find different friends. Why surround yourself with toxic and abusive people? YOU HAVE A CHOICE. Why I met so many toxics and abusive people so I would be toxic and abusive ?? Are you crazy ???If you feed many pigs in your yard, you would be a pig some day ?? In world war two ,many victims who were raped so they would be abusive and rape others ?what is your logic ? Yes ,I think it is your way ,if someone bite you ,you would become to bite others ... I found you often give some unreasonable strong judgements to my talking ,if you don't like talk with me , that is ok and no problem..
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Post by loveellen on Sept 4, 2015 14:26:15 GMT -8
same as you !!! all the people in my life are toxics and abusers ! my life is horrible. If "all the people" in your life are toxic and abusive, then that makes YOU toxic and abusive too. Think about it. Water seeks its own level. Like begets like. If you believe this to be true, then you must work on becoming more loving to yourself and others, and...find different friends. Why surround yourself with toxic and abusive people? YOU HAVE A CHOICE. Why I met so many toxics and abusive people so I would be toxic and abusive ?? Are you crazy ???If you feed many pigs in your yard, you would be a pig some day ?? In world war two ,many victims who were raped so they would be abusive and rape others ?what is your logic ? Yes ,I think it is your way ,if someone bite you ,you would become to bite others ... I found you often give some unreasonable strong judgements to my talking ,if you don't like talk with me , that is ok and no problem..
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Post by loveellen on Sept 4, 2015 14:31:25 GMT -8
same as you !!! all the people in my life are toxics and abusers ! my life is horrible. If "all the people" in your life are toxic and abusive, then that makes YOU toxic and abusive too. Think about it. Water seeks its own level. Like begets like. If you believe this to be true, then you must work on becoming more loving to yourself and others, and...find different friends. Why surround yourself with toxic and abusive people? YOU HAVE A CHOICE. I am a dependency ,but that doesn't mean I would accept any narcissism judgement..I don't want to play games like this any more ..
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Post by loveellen on Sept 4, 2015 14:32:30 GMT -8
same as you !!! all the people in my life are toxics and abusers ! my life is horrible. If "all the people" in your life are toxic and abusive, then that makes YOU toxic and abusive too. Think about it. Water seeks its own level. Like begets like. If you believe this to be true, then you must work on becoming more loving to yourself and others, and...find different friends. Why surround yourself with toxic and abusive people? YOU HAVE A CHOICE. I am a dependency ,but that doesn't mean I would accept any narcissism judgement..I don't want to play games like this any more ..
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Post by loveellen on Sept 4, 2015 14:33:55 GMT -8
same as you !!! all the people in my life are toxics and abusers ! my life is horrible. If "all the people" in your life are toxic and abusive, then that makes YOU toxic and abusive too. Think about it. Water seeks its own level. Like begets like. If you believe this to be true, then you must work on becoming more loving to yourself and others, and...find different friends. Why surround yourself with toxic and abusive people? YOU HAVE A CHOICE. From Lovellen: I am a dependency ,but that doesn't mean I would accept any narcissism judgement..I don't want to play games like this any more .. Here is recovery forum, but doesn't all the talking come from nice and kind resource .
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 5, 2015 4:55:14 GMT -8
Sometimes we don't like to hear things or change our way of thinking. That's ok. I apologize. But, if you want to live a better life, and surround yourself with good, healthy, loving people, I strongly suggest you re-read my post and do not take offense to the message.
If "all" the people in your life are abusive and toxic, YOU are part of the "all." Are you a victim now in a war? Are you being held prisoner? Are you a slave? If this is so, forgive me. You are truly trapped. But if you are free, and not a prisoner, I ask you again, Why surround yourself with toxic and abusive people? YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
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Post by leahb on Sept 5, 2015 5:30:19 GMT -8
I agree with LovelyJune on this one. There comes a time for venting and a time for owning up to your part in your relationships. Things don't "just happen" to people. We are active participants in our relationships and if we choose to surround ourselves with people that make us feel bad, we should leave. This forum is here for support-yes-but it's not a place where you go to time and time again with the same issue. We are all in patterns of behaviour whether we want to admit it or not. It's high time we admit it, spot our patterns and go about trying to change them. No one is a victim-we choose to subscribe to that way of thinking.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 5, 2015 13:29:28 GMT -8
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