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Post by looking4happiness on Jan 6, 2010 14:42:24 GMT -8
The last time I posted on this board was back in October...I moved moved back to Germany after my suicide attempt. I am now seeing a psychologist and going to CoDA meetings once a week. I was doing better but now feel like I'm starting to lose my grip...When I was doing better I started to write my ex-boyfriend (by text messages to his cell phone) that I needed to tell him goodbye (for "no contact" purposes). He had not been answering my texts consistently, half the time not as loving as I wanted him to, and I was usually the one initiating the contact. So here I thought "I can do this. I can't be more miserable then I already am waiting all day everyday for just a few words from him." Before I got the second sentence texted to him, he started me on a guilt trip..."Why are you being so mean...You're so far away and saying things like that..." So while I was trying to explain myself, I got the text "I love you" and that was all it took...I am back to aching/yearning for him. About to go crazy because all my hard work in group and therapy seems down the drain. I know that slip ups happen, but I'm so frustrated. The only way to break free from an addiction is by really wanting to, but I'm to scared to commit to that I think. I have a suicide attempt behind me and should be more than ready to let go but I'm so terrified of the unknown. I think that the underlying reason why I can't let go of the man I'm addicted to is that I'm terrified that I'll never be loved/love again. And I can tell myself all day long that once I'm happier on my own/with myself, I won't need a guy anymore but I have such a hard time believing it. Love has been my source of happiness. Depression is the alternative at the moment. I have moved to another country to heal...and now I'm not only wondering if I'll ever get over this but looking back at my affairs during my marriage I really need to figure out how to stop this torchbearing and wanting what I can't have...anything that leads to affairs...I don't ever want to hurt someone again like I did my husband (the only good guy who therefore became boring to me). Sorry for rambling on but in this state of mind it's hard for me organize my thoughts. I hope everyone is doing well.
Man..I just realized looking at this that I didn't address how this relates to codependence...after all that's why I posted here...geez!
Well the initial point I wanted to make is that even now I try to take care of him. He's a cocaine addict and alcoholic. He's trying to enroll in school etc. to turn his life around....so I'm constantly sending him supportive messages when I really need support myself.
I also find it ironic that the only reason I stumbled upon information about love addiction is because I was looking up info on cocaine addiction...pityful.
I have noticed that I am now often attracted to guys who are shorter than me like my ex is...I think that triggers that feeling that I need to take care of them..."that poor little guy...if only somebody gave him a chance"
But they're just fine. I'm the one who needs help!! o.k. thanks for letting me vent....
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Post by geedee on Jan 6, 2010 15:46:16 GMT -8
hi looking4happiness, welcome back.
as you know we are all here for each other and ready to listen when somebody wants to vent.
make yourself your number one priority and take care of yourself! greta
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Post by winnie on Jan 7, 2010 14:09:34 GMT -8
Hi and welcome back, Your right slip ups do happen and thye are very very very frustrating. The thing is they are also part of recovery. they ahve to happen for oyu to get better. I so remember that feeling of slipping and yaerning and hoping and hating myself for being weak. As time went on though i began to see that after one of these episodes I would be propelled further along in reovery. The thing about reocvery is not just the want of t, but its the ability to ride out the hard times wiht faith. It took me along time to truly allow myself to let go of my POA, to really believe that he would NEVER be what I wanted, but when I did I set myself free. The trouble with pain is that sometimes alhtough it kills us we continue with the old painful patterns because its WHAT WE KNOW. The indea of change and a life full of unfamiliar feeling ( however far away from the pain that is) is a really really frightening prospect. BUT the thing is YOUR DOING IT!!!!!! yOU HAVE DONE SO MUCH ALL READY. YOU HAVE COME SO FAR. Step aside form your POA. he is texting you out of fear and old patterns. THis is NOT LOVE. This is fear on his part. Do not kid yourself that you'need to say goodbye' this is not NC. This is making a last ditch attempt at getting him to love you like you want. Change your number and once again turn to you and renew that commitment, you have already shown you have the power within you. we're right behind you, do keep posting best wishes winnie
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Post by looking4happiness on Jan 7, 2010 15:09:06 GMT -8
Thank you for your replies.
How do I know that "he is texting you out of fear and old patterns. THis is NOT LOVE. This is fear on his part. " If he doesn't love me then what is he afraid of? Please answer if you can. I'm really struggling with this. I've thought so many times "If he loved me he would have already texted me by now...he would be checking to see how I'm doing" but then when he does text I think "If he didn't care he wouldn't contact me at all anymore" It just doesn't make sense.
I know that right now we both wouldn't be capable of having a healthy relationship together. And I think we're not very compatible even without our issues (drugs on his part, LA on mine), but I can't convince myself of that because right before I left the States we had these 3 wonderful days...where he was loving, caring... So I keep telling myself I need to adhere to NC but I keep thinking 'what if...'
As for "Change your number"...same problem...I JUST CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO DO THAT...to close the door completely on a possible future relationship. My rational self tells me that I would not be happy with him even if he got himself clean and squared away but I'M SO CRAZY ABOUT HIM. I love him soo much - yes, I know...more like obsess about him so much...
what if...my frog turns into a prince afterall and I'm not there to reap the benefits(have erased his number and have no contact) ; ) I'm joking but I'm so dead serious. Man, this really does feel like going crazy at times.. good thing I'm on a waiting list for a clinic (for depression etc.)
Thanks for dealing with my rambling this evening.
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Post by ok2bme on Jan 7, 2010 15:32:10 GMT -8
"As for "Change your number"...same problem...I JUST CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO DO THAT...to close the door completely on a possible future relationship."
Looking4happiness, Maybe just focus on what you CAN do today. Like write out in detail the step work & read posts you've never read before take your confusion & hurts to an HP.
Keep feeding your recovery. If I feed what I CAN'T do today, it would give me enough incentive to give up on everything else in the form of recovery.
I prayed for God to help me, he brought me to sources (this site included) that made all the difference & lifted my obsession a bit (a lot compared to a month ago) & gave me some peaceful nights of sleep. So, since my prayer was answered...maybe not all in one day...I'll take that as a sign, no matter what I can or can't do today, I am meant to get better.
Believe that about yourself as well. You have made good strides, keep up the good work for yourself. Our happiness may be found in the most unlikely places...but we gotta look in more than one place.
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Post by geedee on Jan 8, 2010 3:46:52 GMT -8
looking4 happiness, sorry this is such a quick answer but i've got lots of work to do today and i got up really late!
I had a problem with my POA pinging me. he was doing that out of FEAR of the relationship ending. that's what happens in these addictive relationships. there's a lot of cat and mouse and we are all scared of having to go cold turkey...
you are saying so many things that i could have said myself. read my early posts if you want to see how similar i was to you 3 mths ago. gotta get to work greta
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Post by winnie on Jan 8, 2010 4:58:06 GMT -8
hey looking for hapiness,
I'm afraid it does make snese. the thing is most humans have ego to deal with. In his own sort of way he quite likes having someone who reminds him that he is attractive, desireable, worthy.... he doesn't actually want a relationship with you BUT he doesn't want to let go of the validation. iT FEELS GOOD for him. SO when he senses you are taking control, that you are moving apart form him physically and emotionally he does soemthing desperate to get you back... he talls you he LOVES you. he may even think with all the drama of it that he does. BUT thats not love , its drama. Its heightened emotion, its knots in your tummy, its not LOVE. When you respond and give him his fix he starts to go off you again, because you are hooked on his line agian you become less interetsing to his needs. trouble is your hooked on again, slipping and sliding.
If he loved you he would be with now. Full stop end of story. The frog and prince phallacey has tricked women for years. Give up on it and take back control over your life.
I actually don't think this man is a bad perosn he is just doing what hundreds and hundreds pf peopel do because thye just don't feel good enough. So don't atrt directing anger in his direction... Start pouring your energy into yourself and your beautiful life!!!
Its so easy to return to old patterns of behavior because we KNOW them . Even if they cause us great pain we stick with them because the unknown is SO fearful. But I promise you the unkown will give you untold pleasure and happiness, go on take that jump. CHnage your number... I believe you can do it, you've already proved you are capable of amazing things. do it .
best wishes , keep posting
winnie
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Post by looking4happiness on Jan 8, 2010 8:05:27 GMT -8
Thank you guys so much for all your advice!! Is so ironic how trying to say goodbye got me back to square one...well not exactly, cause at least I see the madness now, I recognize it, am aware of it at. At the time, it honestly didn't feel like a last attempt. My motive was to "detach with love"... so I thought. But since I didn't want him to feel abandoned or like I don't care about him...I guess subconsciously it was a last attempt afterall.
I'm not ready to erase his number but I know you are right.
One more question though. If we think that we can change and get past our addiction, how can I be sure that he can't change to be emotionally available? I know that I can't change him into who I want him to be.
I should have written myself a note as to why I didn't want contact with him anymore etc. to remind myself in times like these when I've lost my senses and can't think clearly because I'm so obsessed.
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Post by geedee on Jan 8, 2010 9:01:35 GMT -8
i could have written your post above. word for word looking4happiness. it took me 18 mths to finally really want my POA out of my life.
i started trying to do that after about 2 emails...I'mtrying not to ask myself what would happen if he suddenly became emotionally available but he'd have to do a lot of therapy if that were ever to be possible.
one thing I can tell you is that when his wife threw him out after discovering his previous affair, I really freaked. I was upset for him but more upset for me. What would i do if he started making more demands on me now that he was free.
maybe the only reason i got involved with him in the first place was because i knew deep down it was an impossible dream? and i never really wanted him to be available? greta
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Post by ok2bme on Jan 8, 2010 11:43:11 GMT -8
"One more question though. If we think that we can change and get past our addiction, how can I be sure that he can't change to be emotionally available?"
Looking4Happiness, We come hear to feel better & to get better. If our PoAs were holding the key to our happiness & recovery based on changes they might make some year if ever...we'd be back to square one...banking our happiness into someone that may not ever give it back & paying quite a fee to do so. We have more of a chance for true happiness if we take the iniciative & look within for our own recovery. That's why I'm here.
:-)
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Post by looking4happiness on Jan 10, 2010 10:39:38 GMT -8
That is the problem...I feel like I AM back to "square one"! And it's terrifying.
I was doing so much better. I thought that my meds were finally getting my depression under control, but I think the truth is I was better because I had made peace with the fact that I'm better off without my POA. And as soon as I let him back in I lost that grip on reality.
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Post by looking4happiness on Jan 10, 2010 12:10:19 GMT -8
"If he loved you he would be with you now. Full stop end of story. "
Thank you Winnie! As painful as that is to hear, it is the truth. I've simply been making up excuses for him for so long..."he's not caring or there for me because of his addiction/too much on his own plate"
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new hope
Junior Member
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Posts: 85
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Post by new hope on Jan 10, 2010 16:30:56 GMT -8
It is so hard to think rationally and clearly when you are where you are. I was right there a few months ago. I had no faith that my life would work out, and was convinced I needed to control as much as I could, especially my POA.
A few months later, things are a little clearer. So yes if you let go there will be pain. If you get a new number and delete his, there will be pain, and fear, and anxiety. But also there is a sense of relief not having to obsess about your phone and him contacting you. Winnie is right on and telling you how it is.
The only thing I would add is you aren't in control of anything, but your actions/reactions. Your HP is in control. The harder I fight that, the worse I get. It is easy to say "Let Go and Let God", but harder to do. Your HP wants you to be happy, and feel joy, and your HP has a plan. I thought my plan was better, but it wasn't because I was miserable so much of the time. Right now I am waiting for the plan to reveal itself. But I doubt the plan for you is to be miserable, obsessed with your POA, and you caretaking and enabling his addictive behaviors, with nothing in it for you, except sstuffs. I doubt if that gives you real happiness and joy that last for any extended length of time.
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Post by jivamukti on Jan 25, 2010 18:53:21 GMT -8
Letting go of all of the familiar, yet painful things was hard, but I was so tired of the chaotic life I was living. Having a void is indeed a bit scarey, but peacful as well. The old Cliche "One day at a time" is appropriate here. I found there was always something to do as I experienced the physical and emotional withdrawal of my life from POA. I found comfort and stability in doing simple things for myself, like cleaning a closet, sweeping the porch, taking care of my dogs, going to work. Doing simple things allowed me to pray and contemplatemy HP as I move about my day. Now as a few months have passed, I am feeling so much stronger, and able to being to integrate new things in my life. It may sound boring, but taking one day at a let HP come in a new life is beginning to emere.Old dreams and goals are returning. There is hope again.
blessings, jivamukti
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