Post by onmypath on Jan 8, 2010 0:40:25 GMT -8
So I should post underneath this thread because I am noticing now that I am relationship free for over a month, other things are coming up for me in the absence of the drama of an unhealthy relationship. I noticed that when I'm not obsessing about an ex-POA or when I'm not replacing those thoughts with positive thoughts and feeling better about my situation or when I'm not processing emotions about the LA, my co dependence stuff is still there.
I attended CODA meetings a few years ago and because I started to dislike things about the meetings, I stopped going, stopped taking care of this problem, didn't return to therapy just to land back in therapy after a hectic time in a love addicted relationship.
So now a little over a month after the relationship is over, I'm alone and I'm noticing I want to save everyone else instead of look at myself. Not every day because I have better days but I've been aware that this feeling has come up frequently.
I was back home for the holidays and because I was feeling gung-ho about my recovery and feeling better I thought... I'm gonna unite my family, I'm going to help my sister, I'm going to help my other sister realize what she needs in her life, I'm going to help my nephew figure out what his next step should be. I even had a talk with my mom about how she should go to CODA meetings... help, help, help.
Then I realized (after the fact and maybe even after returning back to where I live now) that I was overwhelmed and drained and I resorted to old coping habits. I was escaping through the internet and through TV. I wasn't calling anyone, wasn't visiting anyone. I basically isolated myself, partially to regain energy, the other part to hide. Instead of going out and enjoying the nice weather I would stay inside because either I was on the internet or because my friend didn't want to leave the house with me (codependence 101). Then when I wouldn't visit friends or family I began to realize the amount of guilt I carry... all of the time. I realized the amount of shame I carry on a daily basis.
I'm realizing it's hard trying to find a balance between being selfish, taking care of myself and trying to move outside of myself so as to not be so wrapped up in myself... this is especially hard for a codependent like me. Its much easier to worry about everyone else instead of dealing with my own stuff.
And after all that, I'm not beating myself up about it now. I did that while I was there and while I was going through it. I realize I'm growing, I'm becoming more aware, I'm taking baby steps and that I may have good intentions or they may be just to stop looking in the mirror for a while, or both but, I'm learning. I'm also thankful because I always thought my issues wouldn't and do not come up until I'm in a relationship and that worried me but, things are coming up while I'm alone that I can address and that is a good thing.
I realized and with the advice of my therapist (that took a LONG time to soak in) that beating myself up just exacerbates the problem. It's there. I can recognize it, accept that it is there then work on releasing it. I also realized that if need be, I can put forth an effort to help others I'm concerned about but maybe just by making a small suggestion, planting a small seed, placing it back in their hands because ultimately it belongs to them, then I can step back and re-focus on my own healing and recovery.
In the midst of my experiences back home I will say the quiet self-reflective time also had its benefits. I was dreading, dreading, dreading going to a New Years Eve party with my ex-ex-ex-POA/first love/ "soulmate"/ex BF/one I carried a torch for, for six years... and his new girlfriend. I didn't want to be there alone while they and all of my other friends who are coupled-up shared a midnight kiss. I had so many feelings about it for days. I was sad, I was jealous, I was depressed, I was lonely, etc. But, I went to the party and I was surprisingly okay. I really felt okay being there. I wasn't jealous. I wasn't sad. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself. I even was very nice to her despite her not being so pleased to meet me. That night was a HUGE milestone for me. I NEVER thought I would get to that point. At the end of the night I felt so triumphant ;D. A great way to start off the New Year!
I am now slowly releasing all of my ex-POA's thought by thought, obsession by obsession, bad feeling by longing feeling and I feel a little more free every day. I have bad days but I realize they will come and the good news is I don't have to obsess and I don't have to be trapped by my feelings for any of my exes anymore. This too shall pass.
I attended CODA meetings a few years ago and because I started to dislike things about the meetings, I stopped going, stopped taking care of this problem, didn't return to therapy just to land back in therapy after a hectic time in a love addicted relationship.
So now a little over a month after the relationship is over, I'm alone and I'm noticing I want to save everyone else instead of look at myself. Not every day because I have better days but I've been aware that this feeling has come up frequently.
I was back home for the holidays and because I was feeling gung-ho about my recovery and feeling better I thought... I'm gonna unite my family, I'm going to help my sister, I'm going to help my other sister realize what she needs in her life, I'm going to help my nephew figure out what his next step should be. I even had a talk with my mom about how she should go to CODA meetings... help, help, help.
Then I realized (after the fact and maybe even after returning back to where I live now) that I was overwhelmed and drained and I resorted to old coping habits. I was escaping through the internet and through TV. I wasn't calling anyone, wasn't visiting anyone. I basically isolated myself, partially to regain energy, the other part to hide. Instead of going out and enjoying the nice weather I would stay inside because either I was on the internet or because my friend didn't want to leave the house with me (codependence 101). Then when I wouldn't visit friends or family I began to realize the amount of guilt I carry... all of the time. I realized the amount of shame I carry on a daily basis.
I'm realizing it's hard trying to find a balance between being selfish, taking care of myself and trying to move outside of myself so as to not be so wrapped up in myself... this is especially hard for a codependent like me. Its much easier to worry about everyone else instead of dealing with my own stuff.
And after all that, I'm not beating myself up about it now. I did that while I was there and while I was going through it. I realize I'm growing, I'm becoming more aware, I'm taking baby steps and that I may have good intentions or they may be just to stop looking in the mirror for a while, or both but, I'm learning. I'm also thankful because I always thought my issues wouldn't and do not come up until I'm in a relationship and that worried me but, things are coming up while I'm alone that I can address and that is a good thing.
I realized and with the advice of my therapist (that took a LONG time to soak in) that beating myself up just exacerbates the problem. It's there. I can recognize it, accept that it is there then work on releasing it. I also realized that if need be, I can put forth an effort to help others I'm concerned about but maybe just by making a small suggestion, planting a small seed, placing it back in their hands because ultimately it belongs to them, then I can step back and re-focus on my own healing and recovery.
In the midst of my experiences back home I will say the quiet self-reflective time also had its benefits. I was dreading, dreading, dreading going to a New Years Eve party with my ex-ex-ex-POA/first love/ "soulmate"/ex BF/one I carried a torch for, for six years... and his new girlfriend. I didn't want to be there alone while they and all of my other friends who are coupled-up shared a midnight kiss. I had so many feelings about it for days. I was sad, I was jealous, I was depressed, I was lonely, etc. But, I went to the party and I was surprisingly okay. I really felt okay being there. I wasn't jealous. I wasn't sad. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself. I even was very nice to her despite her not being so pleased to meet me. That night was a HUGE milestone for me. I NEVER thought I would get to that point. At the end of the night I felt so triumphant ;D. A great way to start off the New Year!
I am now slowly releasing all of my ex-POA's thought by thought, obsession by obsession, bad feeling by longing feeling and I feel a little more free every day. I have bad days but I realize they will come and the good news is I don't have to obsess and I don't have to be trapped by my feelings for any of my exes anymore. This too shall pass.