Post by not2bforgot10x on Jan 9, 2010 14:29:38 GMT -8
Moderators- If this belongs in another area, feel free to move it!
01/08/10 The more I learn, the less I want to know…
“but I am every bit ashamed as I originally was, with scars to prove it, and I want nothing more than to have them erased, for they’re only painful reminder’s of my yesterday.”
The more I learn about myself, the less I want to know. At night I am forced to live with my mistakes. There is little escaping in the night… the night holds true… it is steady and consistent and forces us to look at ourselves. I repeat over and over: “There is little escaping,’ and w/what escaping there is, it almost always comes back to haunt us. With that being said, it’s pretty simple: I can’t run anymore, and I can’t hide, and even greater, no one can save me. I can only save myself. If it is a dark tunnel I am in, it is up to me to get myself out, crawling inch by inch if I must. And I am quick to be reminded that it is not about blame (blaming ex’s, situations, circumstances, etc); rather, about stepping up to the plate and getting honest with ourselves. Perhaps this is something I never wanted to do, or could do.
I was afraid… I am still afraid, but I have the tools/knowledge now that can lend itself to courage. *Courage can break through fear. I will fill my glass up w/courage instead of looking at it half-full, w/only doubt and fear. I will try to trust again slowly… but I am every bit ashamed as I originally was, with scars to prove it, and I want nothing more than to have them erased, for they’re only painful reminder’s of my yesterday. I hope God can remove these painful defects of character… and images… scars. Step 7: “Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.” The truth is, I still haven’t accepted the reality of my pain… probably because I am still numbing out through the relationship I’m in… I feel guilty (ACA Trait #7), and am still afraid of what lies ahead – my salvation. I do not (have not) trust entirely that fate will provide for me, and perhaps this is my greatest demise and that which will kill me- lack of faith. I guess I lost it once, and have never entirely trusted it since. I guess the problem all along was my “faith” was in the ppl… it was directed at the wrong thing… misguided. I was putting my faith into relationships instead of a higher power, but why? When and how did this brokenness occur? How did I get broken? …for that (too) I am ashamed… and angry, at God. Is that right? Is that okay? Who’s ‘fault’ was it? Does it matter? I want to say “not anymore,” but that would be a lie, because now, more than ever, I need faith; I just don’t want to let go… it’s hard/difficult to let go because beneath the anger is a lot of hurt. I guess I feel God abandoned me… So early on. But maybe he didn’t; maybe he was there all along… in those woods, those tough times, watching over me, but still I wonder… I got mixed in with the family drama… of the days where I felt unsafe and could not escape… and I thought… “I could have sworn “God” abandoned me.” Maybe the truth is, I abandoned him… maybe I expected too much. Maybe I stopped caring. When it hurt so bad, I quit… I gave up, and I turned to relationships similar to a drug addict his drugs… the relationships were my drugs… and that’s when my life changed. At age 13, going on 14, I became obsessed. The first woman, named, Amanda. We are best friends to this day, but that was nothing compared to back in the day. The truth is, back then, we both had issues; I just put all my faith into people. The next person I dated was Kari… I won’t go into details tonight, but I will say that my relationship with Amanda in junior high lead to a whole series of relationships from there on out –relationships that I am ashamed of, just because I gave myself away so many times. I think it was at this point, very early on—age 16, that I began to think sex equated love. In retrospect, very naïve of me, but no one ever taught me otherwise. I had to learn the hard way 7 years later when I found myself in a highly abusive relationship, both physically and mentally (and spiritually). I finally saw then, a glimpse of what my life had become, and I thought to myself, “Who would have ever thought?” I still ask myself that to this day—Who would have ever thought I’d end up where I am today, repeating the silly mistakes of my yesterday… living in my parents shadow. I guess it is irrelevant because we are only responsible for changing today. And I say this, yet I get guilt feelings for something I had no control over (getting into destructive relationships) because my mind knew of no other option, only what it had been taught –modeled. What it had seen through its own eyes—for years. I followed, whether I liked it or not, in the footsteps of my parents. To realize all of this shocks me, and in a way, it is exhilarating in that it is both exciting and scary at the same time. I am excited (grateful) to have developed a newfound awareness, but afraid, because I am afraid that I cannot go “back” now w/what I know and what I have and am continuing to learn (I am afraid of change). With that being said, there is no excuse for some behaviors. That realization can be hard because for once I am FULLY responsible for myself, and I have to be capable of making good, adult decisions w/out having a reference (relationship, etc). The truth in all of this is my trust needs to be restored, because at some time, likely very early on in my life, that trust was broken and perhaps the wound never healed, and since, I have just been looking for love in all the wrong places. Maybe (I feel) I owe it to God this time, and owe him an apology for bailing. I was so afraid… I was so misguided… and in so many ways, I still feel like I am… I am still searching… I know that *faith is the answer, but which way to go about it, I can never be sure. It’s a “war” (in my head) out there, and it’s scary. I’m thinking particularly of Tarot Card #19 right now… The Hermit, and how maybe I just need to sit back and figure out what’s right for me, but even in the “spiritual” world there is conflict, and as a result, a big part of me just wants to stay away from it, yet I guess like the abusive relationship, another part of me (my subconscious) is drawn to it… the patterning (archetypal). So I ask, “What is the wound that needs healed?” No words can describe the immense agony I feel for being left on the “shore” (metaphorically-speaking) that day, but even so I tend to blame myself because I feel so d**n shameful and unworthy… I wasn’t wanted. I was given up. And I’ve never gotten a ‘sorry.’ Perhaps that’s a resentment I have to be recorded as Step 4 (ACOA). I am resentful I was left… tossed aside. Why did my father (Max) negate all responsibility? …only years later try “buying” my love? It only reinforced the belief that I had to do something in order to be loved, ie: I had to score the grades. He made threats and demands; if I did not do “X,” help would be taken away from me. Maybe he was just trying to be a father, but I wasn’t ready to hear that after years of surviving on my own emotionally… I needed him, his heart… (love) not his money. I still want his love. In so many ways, I feel like I was that child that was forgotten… deserted. He never came back for me. Why? Didn’t he wonder about me? Maybe it’s true, all of us “adopted” kids grow up with problems… emotional issues… grief… whiplash… Well, I didn’t cause it, but I certainly can be responsible for making it worse. I feel ashamed of my past and all the things I did to try and get love… all the rel’s I was in. Who would have thought rel’s = love? I was so naïve. The thing is, I never had a consistent, actual example of love, certainly not my family and not in God’s book because for all I was concerned, I was gay. Maybe that’s part of the reason I gave up on God. Anyway, I was looking for love in ALL the wrong places… and I suppose I am still surviving, but only that… I am not really living in so much as dealing. Apparently I haven’t gotten over my childish fear of being alone. I am building my network. I trust the process and believe that when it’s meant to be it will happen, and maybe I can say then (when that time comes) non-bitterly, “This is God’s way of making things happen for me.” Step 3? Or 5/6? Yeah… 6… I think… “Entirely ready for God…” It’s when we let go and surrender (And trust) our God (of our understanding) that we can see things happen for our self, and that things begin to happen. My head hurts right now, as I am sad the way I have lived my life—the last 25 years, and how I’ve been in nothing but denial. I started to come out Jan 2008 and then slipped back in upon the start of my new rel. w/Erin in Sep 08” …against my better judgment. Simply put, I did not trust. Did/had I stopped going to meetings? Had I not been confronted w/my worst demons? I know that I certainly did not have the awareness at that point that I hid behind relationships (I realized this in Dec 09,” nearly 1.5 years after Erin and I had met).
Relapse/”Magical thinking” (Denial)
I had thought when I met Erin that somehow things were “different” b/c she was nice… unlike many of the other women I had dated… little did I know that I was susceptible to yet –another- toxic relationship. I slowly let my eyes shut, telling myself that “this one” would be different. It was the same lie I kept telling myself over and over, that I’d been telling myself all my life. Family and friends would point it out to me—over & over, the pattern, and I’d never listen… instead, I denied. I didn’t think I had a problem. They were right; I was wrong. I know now (ACOA Step 1). It’s been hard for me to admit, but I know I seem to get super attached in relationships. I know my life begins to revolve around the person I am dating, and 9 times out of 10, it becomes toxic. It took me really having to look at things honestly for me to see this. Am I embarrassed? Yes/No. I guess I have always known this inside. For the longest time, ever since I was about 14, I’ve known something was not right. The only difference is then I didn’t have the tools and resources like I do now to deal with the problem. I believe I have the tools around me. I can heal (transform) and overcome through time. I believe that slowly and surely my faith will be restored. They say all you have to be (the first step; 3rd in 12-Step literature) is “Willing” and “Willing” I am because I am tired of living the life I have, and I am too aware now to turn back. “The end is soon near” –Tarot Card 10 of Swords—Death (of Self). I will have to be beaten down before I can come/get back up (Restored/Resurrected). I may be able to start making small changes in my life right now, although I know that won’t be ANYTHING in comparison to the big changes yet to come. “What to do says the mind and heart?” And thus you have the battle. I need (And will soon get/receive) greater clarity. “Am I doing what’s right,” I ask? God only knows…
DONE.
The next day, I wrote this entry in regards to the above entry:
01/09/10 "Band aids vs. Stitches"
I needed Phil (my dad) to be there physically, and he couldn't, so he [did the best he could by] put a "band aid" over the (my) wound, in exchange for him not being there (his time).
So instead of ‘stitching’ that wound, he 'band aided' it. It was at that point that I turned to rel's (similar to an addict/alcoholic would turn to his/her drugs) in order to receive that stitching that I never received. The rel’s became my security, and every time someone left, it was like pulling the stitches out, one by one , even before they had time to heal (ie: short relationships, 4-6 months).
This all resulted from me never being taught (demonstrated) how to stitch myself up (ie, take care of myself, ie: self-soothe/nurture, etc). There wasn’t anyone there to model to me… later in life, I found help—tools, 12-step groups, support, etc.
I am now scared [to step out into the unknown] but ever so grateful to have the awareness that tools and resources exist.
Afterthoughts: The fear now is that I will become too dependent on these resources; that is why I need to affiliate myself with a “Higher Power,” because with a “Higher Power” I don’t think I can become too “dependent” on, because it is my belief/understanding that this whole addiction process (be it codependency, love addiction, drugs/alcohol, etc) is a spiritual dilemma. And it is my understanding that only GOD (of our understanding) can heal brokenness/spiritual dilemma’s and restore faith… the faith that was lost/broken, no matter how early on (ie, age 5, 6, 13, 18, 21) the faith was lost.
01/08/10 The more I learn, the less I want to know…
“but I am every bit ashamed as I originally was, with scars to prove it, and I want nothing more than to have them erased, for they’re only painful reminder’s of my yesterday.”
The more I learn about myself, the less I want to know. At night I am forced to live with my mistakes. There is little escaping in the night… the night holds true… it is steady and consistent and forces us to look at ourselves. I repeat over and over: “There is little escaping,’ and w/what escaping there is, it almost always comes back to haunt us. With that being said, it’s pretty simple: I can’t run anymore, and I can’t hide, and even greater, no one can save me. I can only save myself. If it is a dark tunnel I am in, it is up to me to get myself out, crawling inch by inch if I must. And I am quick to be reminded that it is not about blame (blaming ex’s, situations, circumstances, etc); rather, about stepping up to the plate and getting honest with ourselves. Perhaps this is something I never wanted to do, or could do.
I was afraid… I am still afraid, but I have the tools/knowledge now that can lend itself to courage. *Courage can break through fear. I will fill my glass up w/courage instead of looking at it half-full, w/only doubt and fear. I will try to trust again slowly… but I am every bit ashamed as I originally was, with scars to prove it, and I want nothing more than to have them erased, for they’re only painful reminder’s of my yesterday. I hope God can remove these painful defects of character… and images… scars. Step 7: “Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.” The truth is, I still haven’t accepted the reality of my pain… probably because I am still numbing out through the relationship I’m in… I feel guilty (ACA Trait #7), and am still afraid of what lies ahead – my salvation. I do not (have not) trust entirely that fate will provide for me, and perhaps this is my greatest demise and that which will kill me- lack of faith. I guess I lost it once, and have never entirely trusted it since. I guess the problem all along was my “faith” was in the ppl… it was directed at the wrong thing… misguided. I was putting my faith into relationships instead of a higher power, but why? When and how did this brokenness occur? How did I get broken? …for that (too) I am ashamed… and angry, at God. Is that right? Is that okay? Who’s ‘fault’ was it? Does it matter? I want to say “not anymore,” but that would be a lie, because now, more than ever, I need faith; I just don’t want to let go… it’s hard/difficult to let go because beneath the anger is a lot of hurt. I guess I feel God abandoned me… So early on. But maybe he didn’t; maybe he was there all along… in those woods, those tough times, watching over me, but still I wonder… I got mixed in with the family drama… of the days where I felt unsafe and could not escape… and I thought… “I could have sworn “God” abandoned me.” Maybe the truth is, I abandoned him… maybe I expected too much. Maybe I stopped caring. When it hurt so bad, I quit… I gave up, and I turned to relationships similar to a drug addict his drugs… the relationships were my drugs… and that’s when my life changed. At age 13, going on 14, I became obsessed. The first woman, named, Amanda. We are best friends to this day, but that was nothing compared to back in the day. The truth is, back then, we both had issues; I just put all my faith into people. The next person I dated was Kari… I won’t go into details tonight, but I will say that my relationship with Amanda in junior high lead to a whole series of relationships from there on out –relationships that I am ashamed of, just because I gave myself away so many times. I think it was at this point, very early on—age 16, that I began to think sex equated love. In retrospect, very naïve of me, but no one ever taught me otherwise. I had to learn the hard way 7 years later when I found myself in a highly abusive relationship, both physically and mentally (and spiritually). I finally saw then, a glimpse of what my life had become, and I thought to myself, “Who would have ever thought?” I still ask myself that to this day—Who would have ever thought I’d end up where I am today, repeating the silly mistakes of my yesterday… living in my parents shadow. I guess it is irrelevant because we are only responsible for changing today. And I say this, yet I get guilt feelings for something I had no control over (getting into destructive relationships) because my mind knew of no other option, only what it had been taught –modeled. What it had seen through its own eyes—for years. I followed, whether I liked it or not, in the footsteps of my parents. To realize all of this shocks me, and in a way, it is exhilarating in that it is both exciting and scary at the same time. I am excited (grateful) to have developed a newfound awareness, but afraid, because I am afraid that I cannot go “back” now w/what I know and what I have and am continuing to learn (I am afraid of change). With that being said, there is no excuse for some behaviors. That realization can be hard because for once I am FULLY responsible for myself, and I have to be capable of making good, adult decisions w/out having a reference (relationship, etc). The truth in all of this is my trust needs to be restored, because at some time, likely very early on in my life, that trust was broken and perhaps the wound never healed, and since, I have just been looking for love in all the wrong places. Maybe (I feel) I owe it to God this time, and owe him an apology for bailing. I was so afraid… I was so misguided… and in so many ways, I still feel like I am… I am still searching… I know that *faith is the answer, but which way to go about it, I can never be sure. It’s a “war” (in my head) out there, and it’s scary. I’m thinking particularly of Tarot Card #19 right now… The Hermit, and how maybe I just need to sit back and figure out what’s right for me, but even in the “spiritual” world there is conflict, and as a result, a big part of me just wants to stay away from it, yet I guess like the abusive relationship, another part of me (my subconscious) is drawn to it… the patterning (archetypal). So I ask, “What is the wound that needs healed?” No words can describe the immense agony I feel for being left on the “shore” (metaphorically-speaking) that day, but even so I tend to blame myself because I feel so d**n shameful and unworthy… I wasn’t wanted. I was given up. And I’ve never gotten a ‘sorry.’ Perhaps that’s a resentment I have to be recorded as Step 4 (ACOA). I am resentful I was left… tossed aside. Why did my father (Max) negate all responsibility? …only years later try “buying” my love? It only reinforced the belief that I had to do something in order to be loved, ie: I had to score the grades. He made threats and demands; if I did not do “X,” help would be taken away from me. Maybe he was just trying to be a father, but I wasn’t ready to hear that after years of surviving on my own emotionally… I needed him, his heart… (love) not his money. I still want his love. In so many ways, I feel like I was that child that was forgotten… deserted. He never came back for me. Why? Didn’t he wonder about me? Maybe it’s true, all of us “adopted” kids grow up with problems… emotional issues… grief… whiplash… Well, I didn’t cause it, but I certainly can be responsible for making it worse. I feel ashamed of my past and all the things I did to try and get love… all the rel’s I was in. Who would have thought rel’s = love? I was so naïve. The thing is, I never had a consistent, actual example of love, certainly not my family and not in God’s book because for all I was concerned, I was gay. Maybe that’s part of the reason I gave up on God. Anyway, I was looking for love in ALL the wrong places… and I suppose I am still surviving, but only that… I am not really living in so much as dealing. Apparently I haven’t gotten over my childish fear of being alone. I am building my network. I trust the process and believe that when it’s meant to be it will happen, and maybe I can say then (when that time comes) non-bitterly, “This is God’s way of making things happen for me.” Step 3? Or 5/6? Yeah… 6… I think… “Entirely ready for God…” It’s when we let go and surrender (And trust) our God (of our understanding) that we can see things happen for our self, and that things begin to happen. My head hurts right now, as I am sad the way I have lived my life—the last 25 years, and how I’ve been in nothing but denial. I started to come out Jan 2008 and then slipped back in upon the start of my new rel. w/Erin in Sep 08” …against my better judgment. Simply put, I did not trust. Did/had I stopped going to meetings? Had I not been confronted w/my worst demons? I know that I certainly did not have the awareness at that point that I hid behind relationships (I realized this in Dec 09,” nearly 1.5 years after Erin and I had met).
Relapse/”Magical thinking” (Denial)
I had thought when I met Erin that somehow things were “different” b/c she was nice… unlike many of the other women I had dated… little did I know that I was susceptible to yet –another- toxic relationship. I slowly let my eyes shut, telling myself that “this one” would be different. It was the same lie I kept telling myself over and over, that I’d been telling myself all my life. Family and friends would point it out to me—over & over, the pattern, and I’d never listen… instead, I denied. I didn’t think I had a problem. They were right; I was wrong. I know now (ACOA Step 1). It’s been hard for me to admit, but I know I seem to get super attached in relationships. I know my life begins to revolve around the person I am dating, and 9 times out of 10, it becomes toxic. It took me really having to look at things honestly for me to see this. Am I embarrassed? Yes/No. I guess I have always known this inside. For the longest time, ever since I was about 14, I’ve known something was not right. The only difference is then I didn’t have the tools and resources like I do now to deal with the problem. I believe I have the tools around me. I can heal (transform) and overcome through time. I believe that slowly and surely my faith will be restored. They say all you have to be (the first step; 3rd in 12-Step literature) is “Willing” and “Willing” I am because I am tired of living the life I have, and I am too aware now to turn back. “The end is soon near” –Tarot Card 10 of Swords—Death (of Self). I will have to be beaten down before I can come/get back up (Restored/Resurrected). I may be able to start making small changes in my life right now, although I know that won’t be ANYTHING in comparison to the big changes yet to come. “What to do says the mind and heart?” And thus you have the battle. I need (And will soon get/receive) greater clarity. “Am I doing what’s right,” I ask? God only knows…
DONE.
The next day, I wrote this entry in regards to the above entry:
01/09/10 "Band aids vs. Stitches"
I needed Phil (my dad) to be there physically, and he couldn't, so he [did the best he could by] put a "band aid" over the (my) wound, in exchange for him not being there (his time).
So instead of ‘stitching’ that wound, he 'band aided' it. It was at that point that I turned to rel's (similar to an addict/alcoholic would turn to his/her drugs) in order to receive that stitching that I never received. The rel’s became my security, and every time someone left, it was like pulling the stitches out, one by one , even before they had time to heal (ie: short relationships, 4-6 months).
This all resulted from me never being taught (demonstrated) how to stitch myself up (ie, take care of myself, ie: self-soothe/nurture, etc). There wasn’t anyone there to model to me… later in life, I found help—tools, 12-step groups, support, etc.
I am now scared [to step out into the unknown] but ever so grateful to have the awareness that tools and resources exist.
Afterthoughts: The fear now is that I will become too dependent on these resources; that is why I need to affiliate myself with a “Higher Power,” because with a “Higher Power” I don’t think I can become too “dependent” on, because it is my belief/understanding that this whole addiction process (be it codependency, love addiction, drugs/alcohol, etc) is a spiritual dilemma. And it is my understanding that only GOD (of our understanding) can heal brokenness/spiritual dilemma’s and restore faith… the faith that was lost/broken, no matter how early on (ie, age 5, 6, 13, 18, 21) the faith was lost.