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Post by Light on Jan 10, 2010 0:01:42 GMT -8
I realised that sometimes I think about my poa as the one, my soul mate and I see my love addiction as an unlucky love story.
When I think this way I'm completely addicted, I still live in my disease, in my fantasies. In these moments I feel bad, I feel abandoned, negletted, rejected from my poa and the pain is strong.
But when I see my love addiction for what it really is the pain desappear.
Yes, it is a disease. I didn't really fall in love with my poa, I was very attracted but there was no possibility for us to know each other, so my mind started to create a "love story" that never existed. It was real only in my mind.
In the worst phase of my disease I was convinced my poa reciprocated my feelings and then, when it was clear my love was unrequited, I went on hoping one day he would change his mind and he would have loved me.
A great drama of painful delusions.
Now I force myself of thinking about all the story as what it is: a disease. This way I avoid all the pain, I get rid, I feel free to live my reality.
Sometimes fantasies come again, but I have to hang on calling them with their name.
It's strange because I feel divided in two parts, one part is able to see this addiction for what it is, so one part is healthy, and the other part still remain sometimes victim of the drama (addiction).
For all these years my pain has been bonded to my delusions, all the unbearable suffering came from an absurd dream I have created.
I pray to stay focused on reality and to consider my poa just as the main character of my drama. I've never been abondoned, I've never been rejected, I've been victim of my mind.
Light
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Post by kelleyboy on Jan 10, 2010 8:27:24 GMT -8
Hey Light,
I can relate absolutely to this. Funny how we similar LA's think. I was reading another post, where a member was lamenting the loss of her "best friend". How many times have I done this? I grab up the good times, and make a best friend book, then toss the rest of the bad stuff away. This 'book' is the tool I use to trick myself into running back into the mess. I simply cannot see my situations clearly, yet. I almost always give them the benefit of the doubt in terms of decision on how the relationship will go.
You said it here...
Me: I am pain over our relationship, i feel abandoned, I have to go now. I love you.
Her: I love you too. I am not abandoning you. There is nothing wrong here. Stay.
Me: (I stay til i can't stand it anymore. Repeat.)
What did I do? I accepted her reality, because I don't trust my own. My reality is painful.
This person shouldn't get the benefit of anything from me, really. Except consistency. Things didn't work out. I say I have to go. I go. I don't come back. End of story.
How many days do I "exclaim to myself", what are crazy? She cares about you!?! So, you can't depend on her. Go Back. She'll be your friend again. Do things the same old way. have the same old thing. Don't change. Take her word on the situation. Remain stuck.
Being responsible for myself means I am going to feel pain. My MO is to avoid pain at all costs. I am predictable. It is hard to change. This is true in almost every situation in my life right now. Not just with LA. Time to grow up.
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Post by gratefulheart on Jan 10, 2010 12:22:42 GMT -8
Thank so very much for sharing this. it's exactly what I needed to hear.
I can so relate to all of the feelings and realizations you shared here, especially when you speak of being divided in your reality.
There are days when my addiction is in full force and the anxiety, the horrible pain of feeling that "true love" has left me and abandoned me forever is so intense that i want to curl into a ball and cry my heart out, like a child.
Crazy enough, in the same week, I can revert back to seeing my addiction for what it is: a delusion that is making me believe i have lost everything! When I'm in this mind frame, i feel capable, the pain quiets greatly and I feel immense relief.. like the nightmare is over.
Like you said so well: " all these years my pain has bonded to delusions, all the unbearable suffering came from an absurd dream i have created." so amazingly insightful and courageous of you to come to this understanding.
What i'm trying to find is the balance of getting that divided "addict part of me" to not take control. sometimes, I feel like a love schizophrenic. I don't know if that makes sense.. but the addicted part of has been so ingrained and was my reality for so long that to not let that part of myself exist, sometimes makes me question my very sanity and identity.
it's like a brutal whisper in my ear that my reality and identity and capability to bond with myself and others is something that has to be this beautiful fairy tale. And that if i don't get what the "storybook" in my own mind is telling me i need to get to survive, then i have lost everything and everyone.
What has looked like a dream for us, in the beginning and even in between.. seems to be a nightmare to someone who is healthy and needs to breathe and actually be a whole person, instead of a fractured person who can only delude themselves with fantasies.
here's to us all on our journey back to ourselves.
Thank you for sharing!
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Post by lotus on Jan 10, 2010 14:07:47 GMT -8
I really feel like there is another person in me and I name that person "the addict". I'm pretty aware now when the addict is in charge of my thinking, which I am so grateful for. The addict is not me. I used to be fooled into thinking we were the same person, but we are not.
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Post by geedee on Jan 10, 2010 14:37:30 GMT -8
besatt,
I can really identify with what you are saying.
Light,
thank you. we really are victims of our minds, aren't we? almost always looking for drama and chaos where there is no real need for either.
we seem to make a void so we can fill it with anguish even when we don't have anything to complain about in our lives.
'cercansi problemi'
greta
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Post by miztex on Jan 26, 2010 18:00:31 GMT -8
[glow=red,2,300]Me: I am pain over our relationship, i feel abandoned, I have to go now. I love you. Her: I love you too. I am not abandoning you. There is nothing wrong here. Stay. Me: (I stay til i can't stand it anymore. Repeat.)[/glow] OMG!!This is me!!  I felt like I was crazy because I kept questioning the reality of my own feelings. When the pain of withdrawal and NC got too bad, I would "forget" about the bad stuff and remember only the sweet words. Then I would call him. He NEVER called me or contacted me after the original seduction. But he didn't reject me. He kept me "hooked". When we first started the affair, he said "I love you" constantly and"You are stuck with me" which felt soooo good, because he rejected me 20 years before. But part of me was also very uncomfortable with the phrase because I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that he was not good to be stuck with(married and 3 times divorced). I blamed myself for chasing him away with my obsessive behavior. It took the shock of being deliberately stood up(again) to make me see his behavior was avoidant and narcissistic. Today is day 14 of NC. It is the longest I have ever gone NC. My goal is 90 days. By then I hope to be so busy with my new life, new town, packing moving, etc. that I will be free to make healthy choices in the future. Also, I am in weekly therapy with a LA therapist. We have just begun the work. I really appreciated reading this post. It help a lot tonight. Misery loves company. : )
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Post by torchiere on Jan 27, 2010 15:47:07 GMT -8
This insight makes so much sense to me. I was sitting in church this past Sunday, looking over at a POA for whom I've carried a torch for 3 years. I've only met this guy one time, shaken his hand and been introduced - nothing more, and yet I have created a fantasy that he's the one for me. I kept thinking I was in love with him, and that all I needed to do was get him to notice me to start the long, detailed fantasy script that I'd created in my head.
This time when I saw him, I took a contrary action and did a reality check. I took note of the times he turned to look at me during the service: none. I also asked myself how many times he's made an attempt to talk to me after our initial meeting 3 years ago: none. In spite of the fact that he knows my email address (we're in a group email list), how many times has he emailed me in 3 years? You guessed it: none.
That reality check seemed simple, but it did a lot of good. It started the process of me starving the fantasy instead of feeding it with more false hope. Instead of going off on an imaginary path, I chose to stick to the real, tangible evidence before me. This is a guy I met once 3 years ago, and he has never expressed interest in me.
My friend Michael calls it "writing the script" - when you meet someone and write a whole fantasy screenplay of courtship and marriage based on nothing. I'm throwing the script away on this guy, and it feels very empowering to ground myself in facts instead of fantasy.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 27, 2010 17:08:42 GMT -8
It's strange because I feel divided in two parts, one part is able to see this addiction for what it is, so one part is healthy, and the other part still remain sometimes victim of the drama (addiction).This is a HUGE step in awareness. Good for you, Light. I too was able to clearly "feel" myself divided into two parts. What happened was a slow, but steady progression towards the healthy side of me and an almost complete abandonment of the unhealthy side. It's a battle between the two for awhile, but hopefully, the healthy side of you will win. I think that's where you're headed!  T
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Post by loveaddicted on Feb 1, 2010 14:54:23 GMT -8
I am so thankful for this site. I am also looking at what I fantasized about and what was real. In my situation my POA was having an affair for six months of our relationship but my problem was that I couldn't let him go although he wanted to be let go and several times I tried to let go but couldn't because of my addiction of feeling this emptiness I am going through now. I am glad the Lord brought me here because this is where I fit in. I am going on five days. I am also a recovering alcoholic so I am trying to beat both love addiction and alocohol addiction. But what has given me strenth is that I have done this before and I have gotten through worst situations. I do not think I ever loved him truly I just didn't want to be alone with me....I am forced or ready to start looking deeper to find out why am I like I am and trying to heal from this so I never have to stay in a toxic relationship too long that I eventurally get this badly hurt. I have survived three almost death experiences in my life so my thinking is that if I can survive that then I can survive this although sometimes it doesn't feel like I can. P
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Post by miztex on Feb 12, 2010 12:15:35 GMT -8
Funny. I was scrolling down, reading each one, relating, when I suddenly realized I was reading my OWN post from a while ago. Wow. I can actually see my own thinking process clearing up and learning about my addiction. My mind was very foggy when I first came here. Clear Air now.
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Post by painted red on Mar 16, 2010 18:16:18 GMT -8
I can so much relate to this section of "torchbearing" and especially this thread. What is rather blindblowing to me is how I seem to fit almost every described type of love addict there is. The "torchbearing" is by far the most painful because the pain never really goes away. It seems to fade here and there, depending on what else is going on in my life but the depth of pain and longing always seems to return. If I could meet someone that could replace the person of whom I am carrying a torch for then the torch would be passed on to that person which often has me feeling that I need to be out on the prowl to rid myself of this pain. Even if I could find one to replace the last (doubtful since he was the most unusual, narcissistic but oh so loveable sociopath there is) it would only start a new cycle of fear of falling in my kind of love and fear of abandonment which ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy leading to an emotional pain worse than death. The last breakup almost killed me. It was almost 31/4 years ago I was doing really well for awhile and was beginning to believe that I had beaten this thing. Over the past week the beast has awakened again. Maybe I have been feeling especially lonely, I don't know. I do know that seeing his profile on a professional social network as well as his car around the neighborhood made me realize that he still exists. I have been coping by pretending he is dead. The fantasy games in my head have begun and I have actually been imagining a reunion and the possibility of becoming a couple again. I delude myself by thinking things like "he hasn't taken me off his network so he must be thinking about me. He must want me again. Part of this, I think has to do with the fact that to admit that he out and out doesn't want me anymore is a rejection I can't handle. My self esteem has always been in the toilet and rejection by a man that meant the world to me is devastation beyond words. My mind can't handle it. I fight in my mind between "he wants me too" to "your deluding yourself, he doesn't want you. He thinks your a stalker and has warned everyone he knows about you. He thinks you are the modern day fatal attraction just waiting to boil his pet bird" The extremes of the 2 lines of thinking are so difficult and consume so much energy. It is like an emotional roller-coaster. I get to a point where the pain and longing is so intense that I drink which brings me to my co-addiction. Enough for one post. Thanks for letting me vent. For many years I thought I was the only one that suffered from this. I felt like a freak. I need to get back into working a program. It really does work if you work it. I have become complacent and it has bitten me on the butt bad. Thanks everyone for all of your input and sharing.
PR
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I felt like I was crazy because I kept questioning the reality of my own feelings. When the pain of withdrawal and NC got too bad, I would "forget" about the bad stuff and remember only the sweet words. Then I would call him. He NEVER called me or contacted me after the original seduction. But he didn't reject me. He kept me "hooked". When we first started the affair, he said "I love you" constantly and"You are stuck with me" which felt soooo good, because he rejected me 20 years before. But part of me was also very uncomfortable with the phrase because I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that he was not good to be stuck with(married and 3 times divorced). I blamed myself for chasing him away with my obsessive behavior. It took the shock of being deliberately stood up(again) to make me see his behavior was avoidant and narcissistic.
