Realising how much I hate myself

Dear Walkingonwater,

Yes God loves us when we are at our worst as well as our best. It is usually the parental tapes we carry with us that start to play when we feel we have acted differently to what we would like to do.

Not liking ourselves is CORE to love addiction. Basically we feel we are unlovable. Why do we feel that? Well, for each person it could be slightly different but basically we NEVER LEARNED HOW! To put it in a nutshell. This may be because we were neglected, abused or abandoned as children. We start to build up defenses and these defenses then become feedback about ourselves thus confirming our unlovability.

So we grow up, feel we are unlovable, find someone to love, they reject, abuse or abandon us and we feel more unlovable. Generally speaking we end up in toxic shame and that is where most of us are. Acting out in trying to get validation, getting dumped on (or perceiving it as being dumped on) and then acting out again. Why we come here is to change our behaviour. Gradually as we get used to the more 'sane' behaviour we start to gradually feel better about ourselves and that starts to reinforce a more positive belief about ourselves.

Yes you are correct when you ask if this is Step 4 stuff, actually it is both 4 and 5. When you work this program, which is a spiritual program you do it in order of the steps. I was in Alanon for many years on and off but made no progress until the day I met my sponsor. With her encouragement I started to use all the tools of that program which is very similar to this one. I suggest you find yourself a sponsor and start at the beginning of the Steps if you haven't done so already.

Finally, you are worth something and YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL!! NOT BADLY!!!

Angel

I know how you feel. Love the new name, by the way!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, deep down I hate myself. Not even deep down. Even on the surface I hate myself! It's why I am on this board, because I let the PoA confirm that I was every bit as horrible as I was already feeling. He didn't want me? Confirmation of my horribleness and ugliness.

I am doing lots of affirmations and reading 'Healing the Shame That Binds You' every day. We have to reprogram, but it's a tough job. It's going to take a long time to right the wrong thoughts of our whole lifetimes.

I think part of my problem is not having enough people in my life to 'mirror' me positively. Honestly, my friends are not that helpful and my family are at the root of all my problems. I'm very lonely. I'm hoping to eventually find good new friends who are better for me. I think I've let people choose me all my life instead of looking for good, nurturing people who won't harm me even more.

Hi

Now I'm officially single again, and it has really sunk in, I feel so unattractive. If I look into the mirror, the highest I think is "ok for now". But I feel nobody interesting would be attracted to me. There are so many other women. This is a sad feeling I recognize from all the other times I wasn't in a relationship. When I'm in a relationship, no matter how stuffpy it goes, I feel better about my appearances (and hence attract more men). I feel a bit hopeless.

Love, Moonlight

Hey moonlight...

I'm guessing from what you're saying that you are actually attractive! That's cos I started to consider my attractiveness as important when men started being interested, and it was the first time I got positive attention from them. Hooked on being found attractive and that's linked in with my LA I think.

In recent years I've been mainly single and haven't felt attractive unless with someone, and it really makes me down cos it used to be a major part of my self-worth. The other day I got a glimmer of really accepting myself as I am - just a glimmer though. Felt very different to my usual way of being!