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Post by ok2bme on Jan 22, 2010 20:09:59 GMT -8
Today I have had a series of yucky feelings. About me.
Ashamed. For how out of control I behaved throughout the year. For the embarrassing things I did. For the intense feelings that would over come me & I would act on. For how I badgered & hounded him day after day. For how I treated him in the end. For how I neglected my life. I just felt a lot of embarrassment & shame for many incidents that I remembered today. It was like watching a video of me being black out drunk or something. I feel so ashamed.
Today I felt angry. Not at him. At me. Even at my H. My H has not been in my head or heart for over a year but I come out of this addiction & return to him being gone all the time & feel angry. Angry that he left me alone for so many years. Angry that I stayed. It's one thing to be alone. It's another to try to do things to fill the loneliness & be married, even going to church became a struggle, couldn't leave a service without being asked several times where he was or have offers of prayer that we will come with me. If I were single, no one would care that I am there alone, or anywhere alone. It's just not acceptable for a married women to be out & about without her husband, in my experience. I have felt so angry at him today. Now that he is in AA & doing a lovely job it's not my place or wish to take him away from that, but the 25 years before that, it was always something that kept him away. I just want to be done with the marriage but it will cause such a stir right now. I'm angry at me for not dealing with it head on years ago. Instead I latched on to someone else with all I had. I would not let go even when he said he was not the answer. I'm angry for the time I wasted being addicted. I'm angry at the life I wasted being in a marriage that was so lonely.
I still feel upside down. Thankful not to be obsessed but so much wreckage to clear & it's overwhelming. I know I can get through with hard dedicated work but it's so hard to get excited when I don't even feel I should be here anymore. I know that whether I stay or go, I have to get things in order & maybe that will be my focus. I just feel so overwhelmed to be here everyday. It's frustrating. It's confusing. It's overwhelming.
This is why I escaped through my addiction. I can feel it. This was all here a year ago, 2 years ago, 3, 4, 5, 10, 15, 20, 25. My H is my former PoA & I'm angry at me.
I'm thankful to find out about Love Addiction. I see how it has ruled my life. I see hope in recovery & getting through this. I see hope in never having to do it again if I choose to stay in recovery.
It's been a strange day. Ashamed. Angry. Overwhelmed. Thankful.
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deebee
Junior Member
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Post by deebee on Jan 23, 2010 7:23:43 GMT -8
ok2bme...I have had the same feelings about my marriage. My H and I went to church together for quiet a while. He decided he didn't want to go anymore. Every Sunday I was asked where he was. How he was,tell him this and tell him that,etc.,etc. It made me feel so alone. Like he had abandoned me. I was an outsider--those people were his friends--not mine.(he had lived here his whole life--I was new) We were a couple--why did he not want to be with me? It was a troubling time.
I try to blame my H for my current POA. My H neglected me for years. Physically since the beginning of the marriage--10+ years. When I started feeling like I couldn't deal with it any longer I fell off the deep end. I decided an affair was somehow justified. In one sense I also try to blame religion for my lack of action concerning my boring marriage. After all--I married for better or worse and wasn't I supposed to accept the lack of affection from my husband? Wasn't I just supposed to stay home and behave myself? Be a good wife and all would be fine? Well it wasn't fine and it isn't fine. I was so sick and confused. I didn't know how to work on my marriage and I still don't. Thanks to my POA I am too exhausted to do anything about it now except to try and get MY life back. I have to work on me first for a while and regain my strength.
Dealing with my addiction and a very troubled POA has worn me down and aged me so much in the past year. Since my obsession lifted just over a week ago I have noticed so many more lines in my face. I look tired. I feel tired and I just want some rest. I am also expecting to be depressed. I know me. I will miss the excitement of my POA. I will miss the addiction! I have to stay as stong as possible or at my age(56) I may not have that much time left to deal with this anyway. I had a near fatal stress related heart attack over 16 years ago. Doc said I should avoid stress as much as possible. I sure did ignore that advice!
I still have some hope. Hope for a better life. I almost lost that feeling a few weeks back. It's slowing returning. Hope for a better tomorrow. I just know BETTER is there somewhere. I can't give up.
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Post by geedee on Jan 23, 2010 7:52:19 GMT -8
ok2bme and deebee,
I can relate to all of this too. I'm tired and not sure what the future holds. I stopped going to our local church because people were always asking where my h was. his village not mine.
i've now stopped going out in the village altogether. lots of things happened with the local people so i gradually cut myself off.
( they think of me as the foreigner and a bit of a snob. everybody knows who i am and what i do but i dont live in the village itself and think people judge me for thinking I'm superior. I'm not i just don't have time for all the gossiping and family resentments in a very close knit community. i've been going there regularly for 25 years but have not made any friends. i know only a handful of people's names apart from family members and have only had problems when involved with teaching at Sunday school or running parish magazine. the people there resnted my skills and my ability to get things off the ground. was actually verbally attacked at one stage and priest just stood there and did not say a word in my defence. all because I had edited an article somebody had obviously plagiarised but priest had authorised)
the shame i felt because of my POA was the last straw and i just couldnt face these people any more. think they can read my mind sometimes.
i realise as i write that i do isolate myself in many ways. i live out in the countryside. no neighbours. i have few real friends. i rarely see my family because my h doesnt get on too well with them. basically i dont trust people to act in my best interest so i prefer to be on my own.
i do go out and 'socialise' but i find it hard to get close to people without getting hurt. i'm with people but isolated emotionally for them. had my fingers burnt too often. i've even stopped entertaining at home since being involved with my POA. still dont feel like organising dinner parties or anything like that. so tired.
not having a brilliant relationship with my h doesnt help either. I'm a talker - i can do that for hours!- and i love being with like-minded people. unfortunately I dont know many in my real life who have enough time to do that regularly.
good thing i have my teaching job to keep my brain alive at least...
my addiction has worn me down . my h's illness has drained me too. empty shell that needs a lot of work..
I'll have to start thinking seriousy about why i have so many problems with people...
My 4th step is just screaming for me to get started.
greta
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Post by ok2bme on Jan 24, 2010 2:18:14 GMT -8
DeeBee,
It has been incredible to feel the same way & get the answered prayer we needed so close to the same time. I am so glad you are feeling free this week, you deserve comfort & rest. I'm eager to possibly find a new job although I have liked what I do seasonally & well...I'm still so emotionally drained from the addiction & then from adjusting to the freedom from the addiction. I don't quite see me out there this week job seeking, don't think I'd bring my best game yet.
I had some good feelings today. The CoDA workshop had some very uplifting, enlightening moments. I see myself recovering & moving forward. I could not have been so open to hear & learn had it been a few weeks ago. I was way to consumed & hurting far to deep to concentrate on the smallest conversations. Since having the addiction relieved I see things so vivid & comprehend things a bit easier too. I'm so thankful once again for the perfect timing. True I have felt some ugly things these past few days but nothing that compares to the emotional pain I endured without construction the past year.
Greta, I so relate to your social life in many ways. I would like that to improve on my part as well. It's very confusing to me to know how to have a social life without my h, it's hard to get past how socialably inacceptable it is to be out & about without the H (not talking bars or singles clubs, that is not my thing) just talking general social settings. I'm planning to wait to get through some recovery work before deciding if that's even something I want to learn to do. That & some rest!
Thank you both for responding. It was a hard time in a different way.
Today is good.
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Post by greeneyes on Jan 24, 2010 8:49:29 GMT -8
Thank you all on this thread for your deep honesty.
I'm feeling anxious this morning. Last night I shared at an AA meeting about my Sex & Love Addiction history and how it fueled my drinking and caused two relapses after twice being sober over 5 years. I felt I shared alot but a couple of people thanked me after and I got asked to Speak at my home meeting (big meeting)...a month from now...it's best I not think about it until that week...I can't live in the future.
W texted me twice Thursday night and I erased them. But Friday afternoon I was feeling vulnerable and while walking in a light rain I texted her back after 8 days of NC. We got together for Ice Cream yesterday and agreed we wanted to be just friends but she took back her NC of a year and I suggested 90 Days so I could get separation from my addictive emotional and sexual feelings for her and grieve. She is so beautiful and so easy to talk to and she is so married. I hope she honors my request.
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Post by geedee on Jan 24, 2010 10:41:17 GMT -8
more than a few bad feelings today. husband got MRI scan results back. he now has two angiomas on his spinal cord. at neck level.
explains why he has problems not only in his neck but also shoulders and hands i suppose.
i'm gutted at the thought of more surgery cos i'm not ready yet to go thru all that again. that will be 4 benign tumours in 6years. sounds very self centred of me but i have to put on the brave face and deal with everything. have to be strong for him and the girls and he avoids emotion and pain and then lashes out at me when his frustration builds up.
he was nasty to me tonight in front of my friends. put me down because i screwed up when booking cinema tickets online. I'm not good with mirror images and thought seating was opposite way round. seats at front instead of back. they were the only seats left anyway and apparently I'm not the first person to have made the same mistake.
but he went on and on when we found our seats. said the same thing about ten times and i just wanted to scream. i did answer back but wasn't going to ruin everybody else's evening. that's from man that hardly knows how to use a computer.
codependent me, i know. also cheating wife with a guilty conscience. and s*** scared about what the surgeon will say when we finally get appointment.
sorry for being negative but really down right now.
maybe I'll be more optimistic when i wake up tomorrow morning...
greta
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Post by shatteredpieces on Jan 24, 2010 11:00:53 GMT -8
Greta - so sorry. Sounds like a really bad combinations of things going wrong. I am so sorry. I know you dont feel strong enough to go through this all again, but you are stronger. I want you to know that in my eyes - you are so much farther down the road from me and you are one of my "heroes" on these boards. You are one of the people who makes me feel like healing is possible. You are wonderful and I know you will handle this with grace. Don't beat yourself up. You are not responsible for the way you act out. You are wounded like the rest of us.
You always tell those of us who are hurting to be kind to ourselves. Please be kind to YOU today Greta. Please post on here when you need to. I will check back with you later today.
Here is a big HUG!!
Shattered...
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Post by shatteredpieces on Jan 24, 2010 11:04:13 GMT -8
OK2bme...its OK to feel all those emotions. Somewhere this week I read that we need to embrace our emotions and you are. You are in touch with them and feeling them completely. Be strong and be kind to yourself. One day at a time...one step at a time. Thank you for the encouragement you are to me. Take care of you today.
Shattered
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Post by shatteredpieces on Jan 24, 2010 11:10:20 GMT -8
Greeneyes...you sound like you are making such wise decisions for you. To help YOU get better. Suggesting 90 days NC was so smart. You are far stronger than you might be feeling. I know if I met up with my POA I would be a train wreck again and there is no way I would ever be able to suggest a 90 day separation. You people are such an inspriration to me. I am learning for your strength...
Shattered.
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Post by primrose on Jan 24, 2010 11:12:42 GMT -8
Very big hug dear girl, I'm praying for you and your husband with all of that terrible stress. Think you got a good deal sitting at the back of the cinema, saw avatar close up and aparently its better from far away. Lol dear heart. Primrose.
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Post by geedee on Jan 24, 2010 11:17:19 GMT -8
Thanks SP. I really appreciate that. Primrose, no actually it was other way around! thought i was booking at the back but we were right at the front. because of his reaction i was furious for first hour of film but i still loved it! husband found seat at the back for himself cos somebody obviously didnt turn up so is not upset now. I'm giving him one word answers hoping to get an apology (pigs will fly) still feel like throttling him tho  greta |
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Post by kelleyboy on Jan 24, 2010 11:18:27 GMT -8
G,
Sorry to hear about new developments with H. I am in Alanon, and it has made a lot of difference. I know you said you can't get to face to face meetings, and not sure what to tell you, but you might pray about it, today. I mean get "flat on your face" kind of praying.
As for the guilt, it sounds like you are allowing yourself to be abused because you think you deserve it for being a "bad wife". That won't help you. H has a lot of problems, he is taking it out on you.
We have a saying in Alanon. The three C's
We can't cure the disease
we didn't cause the disease.
We can''t control the disease
I am so f'ing hard on myself and feel so responsible for mine and my wife's plight. I am not responsible for her self pity or addictions. Your H has a disease. It may be the disease of co-dependents, but it is still a disease. Try to be gentle with yourself today.
My old sponsor used to tell a story about being unique. Basically it was this:
He was complaining to his sponsor about his wife's behavior. And his ponsor said, "Stan, Why do you think you are unique? Do you have a higher power that loves you, cares for you and is in charge?"
Stan's answer: Yes
Could it be quite possible that your wife has one too?
In my thoughts and prayers.
KB
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Post by geedee on Jan 24, 2010 11:31:09 GMT -8
Thanks KB,
I know there is no point blaming myself but I'm so p'd off just now. i was going over things in my head all thru the film. all the things I wish i could say and how i want to give him an ultimatum and to either start respecting me or move out.
I just can't do that. it's not even what I want I dont think. but when fear of the unknown comes back into my life, the obsessing and desire to escape comes back with a vengeance.
but you're right about praying. i've got to turn to God and find strength to face this.
BTW I would love to be able to go to meetings but there are none. not AA not CODA. where i live people havent even heard of this stuff yet. the nearest city is so provincial anyway and because of my job people would know me and recognise me.
having secrets is hellish and soul destroying but my H is in such a mess just now he wouldnt be able to deal with my problems too.
prayer, prayer, prayer.
thanks KB. you're a real friend.
G
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Post by ok2bme on Jan 24, 2010 18:54:45 GMT -8
GreenEyes,
Good for you on having the opportunity to share your experience, strength & hope at your home group. Someone needs to hear your story. I will pray for them & for you. Yea, no need to thinking about it till then, you have plenty to share & it will come easy.
Also, I'm glad you had such a nice meeting with W. It's probably preferrable to say you will not get better if you have contact but...well...I've had plenty of n/c (usually his choice) & was so painfully addicted & obsessed, n/c was not the answer for me, being freed from the addiction/obsession was. I am so thankful that happened for me. I saw him about 5 days ago & walked away AGAIN with my heart & head fully attached to me. This was not possible prior to an answered prayer, n/c or not, I was addicted & consumed big time. That was strong of you to request the 90 days as you did. Celebrate your freedom. As you know, it does not come easy.
ShatteredPieces,
Yesterday at the CoDA workshop I was overwhelmed with dissappointment in myself. The subject of trust was discussed. I realized I had to give up trust to keep my marriage in the beginning. I was devastated to do so as I always heard, you need trust in a marriage. Nope, I needed to NOT trust of I could not stay married. What happened 25 years later is that I stopped expecting MYSELF to be trustworthy. It was no big deal that I stepped outside my marriage. HONESTLY, I did not care, it was fair. It hit me different. I used to like that charactistic about me & it was gone, like no biggy. I was very dissappointed in me. It hurt. I cried. My concious is returning, I lost it through my addiction. It feels good to feel even if they are not good feelings. Thanks for the reminder, it helps.
Greta,
I took care of my H as he went through 2 surgeries & recovery processes. He was needy, bossy & unappreciative during the process & after. In hindsight, I would have still taken care of him. It was a nice way to return the favor since he took care of our finances so I could be a stay at home mom back in the day. The difference would be, I would have listed my basic needs & his & found the best order for them, what couldn't fit would be deleted, whether it be his wants or mine. When I took care of him I made the mistake of putting all his needs & WANTS on the list & deleted many of my basic needs. I was exhausted, strained & bitter. I felt forced. Maybe if I would have said, powder your own nuts I have do something small for me once in a while I would have been a little better off. I was still eager for him to appreciate me then as well, so everyday I felt shortchanged too. I do appreciate him making it possible to stay home with the boys, so I am thankful I was able to tend to him when he was ill...but dang, it was not easy. Strength is prayed for you.
It's a very challenging time for you Greta & worse because you don't have local meetings of any sort. You are always so helpful to me & reading your posts to others helps me as well. I greatly appreciate you. Thanks.
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Post by geedee on Jan 25, 2010 1:30:33 GMT -8
thanks ok2bme,
I'm really enjoying watching your progress. when the obsession is lifted it is such a liberating experience. remember it, journal about what you are feeling right now.
the addiction won't go away but will just lie dormant- and we are easy victims to people who could easily take advantage of us in the future if they wanted to. especially when we are in marriages where we are not getting our needs met.
i've nursed my h through several procedures. i remember a few years ago when he had an operation in a hospital ten mins from our home. It was a minor procedure for something we didnt even know was a benign tumour at the time. i was trying to be helpful but he told me to go home. hardly got into the house and he called me to come back. he complained about his headache and insisted i should go buy him aspirin. tried to reason with him about hospital policy and he got so annoyed with me in front of everybody in the ward. told me to shut up but not to go home.
It's my fault. I let him get away with this stuff because i get embarrassed at how he treats me. this is the NORM where we live. women are naive and men are superior by nature. well that's the case in most of the relationships i see. there are also some where this is not the case and what hurt me most is that yesterday he chastised me in front of my highly educated best friend and her husband. cringe...i've got that old 'I made my bed so now I'll lie in it mentality'. at least I used to. I'm starting to seriously feel that something has got to give and i sensed that yesterday. just keeping calm because of this latest health issue.
lots of deep breathing and prayers necessary to deal with him right now.
i really appreciate everyone's support and advice. I'm feeling a bit better this morning. a lot of deep breathing and imagining I'm cradled in God's arms helped me a lot during the night.
i came to these boards because of my POA but see more clearly every day that God's plans for me were to face my true demons and that is the real reason He brought me here.
I LOVE all the people on here. true love. my brothers and sisters are all of the people on here and i've never felt safer or more cared for in my life.
thanks for being there for me. Meetings would be wonderful for me because i do prefer being with people. I'm a caretaker and nurturer- not usually to the extremes i experienced with my POA - and there's nothing better than giving and receiving a loving hug and being there for people. thanks to all of you for being there for me right now at this difficult moment. I've felt 'hugged' many times on these boards but especially yesterday and today. here's one back ((( all of you )))
greta
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Post by primrose on Jan 25, 2010 2:29:40 GMT -8
Big hug back to you dear girl, and to everyone going through the pain of withdrawal. Brave and courageous and wonderful people all of you. Primrose.
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Post by ok2bme on Jan 25, 2010 11:09:43 GMT -8
A Big Hug to you Greta & prayer you have a wonderful day.
May you be blessed as you bless others.
Thanks for mentioning the addiction lays dormant. Very helpful.
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