My inner child hates everyone still

Dear Miztex,

I can understand where you are coming from. I was telling my older daughter last night how I used to have to stand there and cop abuse from my older and younger sister (lots of sibiling rivalry in our familly) because I was the tallest and the strongest and also very pretty.

I remember one day my father beating the stuff out of me because I hit my sister back. What he didn't know was that my sister had been physically tormenting me for hours and hours and what I was doing was actually self defense.

I guess something inside me broke. I was defeated. Whenever I tried to defend myself i would get beaten by an adult! So I learnt not to defend but to avoid. Something that happened over and over again in my life (like what you were saying with Carrrie).

Later this carried over into my whole life and I never defended myself. It wasn't until I started to get some recovery (Alanon) that the anger (PURE RAGE) started to come out. I went to the gym and more importantly I got in touch with that anger.

What helped me was to take up kick boxing. No joking! It doesn't matter what size, shape or physical condition you are in. I strongly recommend doing at least ONE martial art.

What it teaches you is that you have the RIGHT to defend yourself. In a controlled environment you get to 'act out' in a healthy way. My instructor would be stunned at the strength and force with which I would hit or kick the punching bag or padded boxing mitt.

What I was doing was visualising my POA or anyone who I felt I resented. I imagined their face on the bag or the mitt and I whacked like crazy at them. I felt drained but MUCH much better. Then I no longer felt i was a victim or felt I had to attack them.

In another post I commented on your need to defend Joe. Maybe what you are really doing is finally getting in touch with your need to defend but maybe it isn't Joe maybe who you really need to defend is miztex!

Try and get intouch with those feelings in the 'HOw am I feeling today' thread and then see if there is a way to get those feelings of anger out physically.

i had a gf who used to go to the rubbish dump and take boxes and boxes of bottles. She would stand there and smash one after the other until she had let go of her stress. She said it worked for her!

Me the self defence and martial arts classes worked wonders. After a while I no longer needed to talk about them, It was ingrained. Now if someone tried to do the same old behaviour I would handle it much better.

This LA comes in layers. YOu seem to be dealing with one now and that is good. You are making progress.

Hugs
Angel

p.s. so go out there and kick some butt!