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Post by miztex on Feb 2, 2010 11:37:31 GMT -8
Pia Mellody defines bombing as creating intensity in the relationship with seduction, helplessness, or anger to avoid feelings of abandonment.
Anger bombs are starting a fight to stir up some drama when your POA is "ignoring"you. Helplessness bombs are creating a desperate situation for your avoidant POA to rescue you from. Example: asking POA for help when your car breaks down so you can get rides with him to work.
Seduction bombs are acting provocative, or acting out sexually(including ways unlike your normal behavioral boundaries) to get an intense connection with the POA. Unfortunately, it is not an emotionally intimate connection. It usually leaves the LA feeling worse rather than better.
We have all lobbed some pretty powerful bombs in our sickness. It is an emotional response to fear of being alone with just ourselves.
Knowing about them helps us to recognize when we want to throw one and stop ourselves(or at least know that we are doing it.)
I believe there is another bomb that I call the "altruistic" bomb. This is when we want to "help" our POA get better by sending emails of LA/SLAA info, self help books in the mail, telling them they need help, etc. This is really a covert need to reconnect or engage with the POA by telling ourselves that we are "just being a friend". Knowing that WE are the ones with the problem and focusing on ourselves instead of them is hard, but it is the only way to get better. THEY cannot change unless THEY choose to. WE cannot change them.
I still gather self help stuff about my POA into a folder, but I don't send it. I am NC. It is very hard, but it is the only way to stop the pain and the endless cycle.
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Post by geedee on Feb 2, 2010 11:43:11 GMT -8
well then my POA got bombed more than Pearl Harbour...
he often said he didn't know what i would throw at him from one day to the next. he liked it towards the end when it was exclusively seduction bombs...he could handle that okay.
think I may have left a sinking ship tho
greta
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Post by newborn on Feb 2, 2010 11:47:50 GMT -8
Very cool, miztex! Thank you.
I bomb seductively, my husband bombs helplessness, and my POA with anger.
Very interesting...
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Post by perfectday on Feb 2, 2010 12:11:05 GMT -8
I started with seduction, same as him, but then I moved to helplessness. Because I am a 7-year-old apparently.
*gag* make myself sick, I do.
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Post by newborn on Feb 2, 2010 12:17:33 GMT -8
 You're too funny PD... |
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Post by primrose on Feb 2, 2010 12:30:16 GMT -8
My specialities: sex kitten bomb, little girl needing daddy's help bomb, you vile pig bomb. Sex. Helplessness. Rage. Sad really. Primrose.
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Post by perfectday on Feb 2, 2010 13:00:55 GMT -8
Stick around newborn, I'm here all day!  Primrose ... vile pig bomb. Hehehe. I did an 'I hate you' bomb once. Oh dear. |
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Post by primrose on Feb 2, 2010 13:29:28 GMT -8
Okay, not very grown up of me, but I find people sending fury bombs just so funny! Probably shows me I've got lots more emotional work to do etc, but a fury bomb hehe! Must be the child in my full of glee that other people were a bit bad too. Primrose.
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Post by kelleyboy on Feb 2, 2010 17:01:36 GMT -8
I did this two weeks ago when I couldn't stand the pain anymore and asked POA to talk to me. Some know this is a co-worker of mine. I made a LC contract, and broke it. That once only. I basically wanted to find out how she felt about about the situation we were in. Crazy huh? I created the situation.
Waste of time, and unlike many here, I don't have any GOOD reason to be resentful at her. There was no relationship, was all fantasy on my part, and I could have gotten myself fired easily.
I am not doing this right now(bombing her). I created a huge mess for myself and hurt her. I know this isn't all my fault, but I was the one about to wreck my life fro this person. Someone who probably never gave me a 2nd thought outside of work.
I have bombed POA's countless times in the past in the very same way. Couldn't stand the pain, so had to stir up some kind of intensity. All this says is, I qualify. I am a love addict. I am certainly not unique.
KB
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Post by Angel on Feb 2, 2010 22:06:57 GMT -8
Ok well maybe there is the 'reality/honesty bomb' as well.
I think that what I might have done to my POA is dump a big dose of reality and honesty on his head. I seriously wonder how he handled it!
"To be perfectly honest R, I feel scared and anxious being back in contact with you after such a long time. I feel sad and confused about what happened between us. So saying that it is xmas and I hope it finds you happy, rich and successful and leading a loving and fulfilled life! Angel"
Last night I was thinking about this A LOT. Dreamt of him AGAIN. I think that doing my 8th step and reading about all these 'bombs' has triggered me a lot. It doesn't matter, it is just another layer in my recovery and I accept that. All this thinking and grieving hasn't stopped me doing what I need to do, slowed me down a wee bit but I am still doing what I must.
Just feel really really sad. My POA likes dogs and has asked twice about how the 'puppies' are (they are in my msn and facebook photos). I feel like he inadvertently kicked me or stood on my paw. Now I am scared I will get my tail stepped on and that is why I am scared of him. Maybe a tougher, stronger woman would have handled all of this much better than I did. Well, I can only be who I am and do what I do cos I am what I am. I am working on myself and gradually letting go of the guilt and the shame is helping to build my self esteem.
Angel
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Post by searching4serenity on Feb 3, 2010 15:53:33 GMT -8
I think that I bomb (bombard) my POA with niceness, if I feel I need to reel them back in because I am smelling the stench of abandonment coming my way. Interestingly I am beginning to wake up to the fact that my lady of limerence also uses this tool to hook me back in. I am just waking up to the fact she manipulates me in this way, which is ironic seeing as it is the very same manoeuvre that I use with my long term POA.
My other bomb, if that's what it is, is my "very caring nature" I am good at reading what people" need" and "looking after them" in other words I am codependent. Of course this works both ways in that my lady of limerence uses her bomb of "helplessness" to hook me back again. It's a dance of dependency that we both partake in that is ultimately ends up a dance macabre.
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Post by moonlight on Feb 4, 2010 9:43:52 GMT -8
Hi Searching for Serenity
What is a lady of limerence? I'm no native English speaker so I don't understand that.
Very helpful and recognizable posts y'all!
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Post by Angel on Feb 5, 2010 8:31:51 GMT -8
I got bombed by a guy who isn't a POA but I am wondering if I am a POA to him. He sent me a message on msn dumping on me because he felt slighted a month ago. I was seriously confused as to why he did this. Particularly as I had sent a bday wish the night before to my POA and had my mind on other things. I also received another message from a different guy friend wishing me a happy holiday. So I was expecting/wondering whether my POA would respond (don't care too much really) when I was suddenly having to deal with two other guys. One angry off cos he felt slighted and the other trying to be a good friend and wish me happy holidays. As such I realise that I need to examine my friendships with guys and set some boundaries. Those who observe them I will keep and those who feel threatened, well H'aint lost anything of value then have I?  Angel p.s. see posting under 'Boundaries'. |
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weakandmeager
New Member
I will strive to be strongandmighty!
Posts: 9
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Post by weakandmeager on Feb 17, 2010 23:03:41 GMT -8
Wow... lightbulb moment. I've never thought of this or even noticed I did such a thing. But now that I know... I've seen myself do it thousands of times! I wanted to do it today, but I didn't... at least I don't think so. I sent a very casual and short "joke" email and he laughed back which started a very casual conversation about not feeling well. Is there such thing as a "Mom bomb"?? LOL I soooo very much wanted to tell him "have you taken something, maybe you should go home, here, try this remedy, I wish I could help you feel better, it's just the 'mom' in me"  ... when of course it was just me trying to connect with him more deeply. I refrained! He said he was thinking about going home and I said "well, i'm sorry you don't feel well, if you want to go home it's your call" I was anxious to send more, but now I'm actually really proud of myself! Yay me for little wins!! ;D I will definitely be more self aware next time I get that "urge" to pounce! |
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cjones4
Full Member
My metamorphis has begun.
Posts: 106
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Post by cjones4 on Feb 24, 2010 9:16:22 GMT -8
I believe that I am a certified bomb specialist  . But this has positive and negative sides. Let's hit the negative: I have recently used the seduction bomb. It was partly because I was horny (H is POA, we are separated and hadn't had sex in over 6 months), I wanted to connect intimately with him; I wanted to "erase" any feelings or thoughts he had of another woman out of his mind, and I wanted to show him I'd changed. Well, of course I enjoyed the moments of them but noticed that after the 2nd time and noticing his lack of enthusiasm and thinking of how my behavior could actually sabotage our relationship and his recovery (I believe he needs help with SA and/or RLA) by getting his "juices" flowing, I knew I had to stop. It was hard, though. I've used the altruistic bomb by sending him emails with helpful devotionals, links to SLAA and giving advice. I've also been doing it on the sly and talking about my recovery, hoping it would spark him to talk about what he's going to do. I'm seeing this now and had been wondering if it was a bomb, so I know I've got to stop. I'm not God and that's the only One Who can truly help him. I'll do like someone else and just compile this info and if/when it's appropriate, I'll pass it on. I've used the "let's talk" bomb because I wanted to connect with some intensity but afterwards, he would look so dejected and ashamed because this bomb usually required him to confess his wrongdoings. This one is so selfish and I won't do it again. I felt really bad for a while after this. Plus, it had the opposite desired affect, it hurt him and that's wrong. So, on to the positive sideThe positive side of being a certified bomb specialist is that I'm very acquainted with this ordinance. I know it's specifications, when each type is usually used and the type of damage it will do. Since I have this knowledge, I know that I'm now responsible for using this knowledge in a wise manner and to help, not hurt. See, firefighters know the damage fire can do so they practice and teach prevention/safety. They know the vast consequences associated with using fire in an unsafe/unhealthy manner. Since I'm a specialist, I know the same, in regards to bombing. So, I pledge today, 2/24/10, that I, CJ, will no longer use bombing as a means to create intensity in my relationship with my DH. CJ |
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Post by lovely1 on Aug 22, 2010 19:51:51 GMT -8
Oh yes, I was a bomber for sure! Thank GOD for this board and I can **see** now what I was doing. I realized today that the POA was quite boring and I was the one who made things exciting and now I see what I was doing...throwing bombs.
I would vascilate from the "I hate you and you ruined my life" bombs to the "help, I need your expert eye to read this for me!" bombs.
I haven't hurled a bomb in years. The last one was probably 4 or five years ago and it was an anger bomb. I've gotten better, little by little over time.
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 25, 2010 6:22:58 GMT -8
This is a very interesting term. I never knew it was called that. I've always referred to this kind of behavior as "manipulative behavior." Not good. I was never a very manipulative person until I learned to be with my ex H. It was the only way he would respond. Strangely! But I gave that kind of behavior up with my latter PoAs when I saw it didn't really work. I never do it anymore. Another great example of behavior learned and unlearned.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 25, 2010 17:23:09 GMT -8
I first heard "bombing" from Pia Melody's old tapes before she went to The Meadows. If you fear intimacy and want out of a relationship, you start "bombing" (sabotage). Let's name some bombing techniques. Start with picking a fight. |
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Post by love on Nov 11, 2010 7:25:59 GMT -8
Miztex, thanks for sharing! : )
I just started my NC yesterday but I saw a relevant info about "Healthy Friendships", so I sent it to her Facebook inbox an hour ago. I thought it was good. She hardly responded to my emails ever since I've known her so I'm not expecting anything from her. But nevertheless, I'm not planning to send her again while I'm on NCR. So thanks for emphasizing it. : )
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Post by sunnybird100 on Nov 11, 2010 8:43:45 GMT -8
Wow, all this talk of bombing on Veterans Day. I've never been in the military, but I sure do know how to drop bombs. Thanks for all the examples. I have to keep this perspective at the front of my mind or I slip right back to my old habits. NC, NC, NC = new mantra.
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Post by lacypooh on Nov 12, 2010 19:58:00 GMT -8
Ugh,
Just typed a long post and my faulty internet provider went out! Ughh , well make a long story short, in July I reunited with my ex POA. It'd been three years since we spoke or saw one another but there was still so much "chemistry" between us. Anyway, we've had some emotionally intense conversations lately and being the true narcissist that he is, he's been shutting down and avoidant. Although I don't want to date him & have made it clear that I don't , his pulling away has been effecting me and I don't like it! This week I've been fighting myself from dropping "seductive bombs" which is my nitche, but i have also dropped all the bombs mentioned n this post. Anyway--I am going back to NC because i don't like the emotional pull and tear his actions are having on my heart. I have been holding on to our "friendship" for 5 long years ( even when we weren't talking) But The friendship i thought we had was merely us getting close, him pulling away & me doing everything i could to hold on to "us" including dropping bombs. But really, What is there to hold on to??
I realize that I deserve better, especially from someone who said he was in love with me then, and loves me as a friend now. NowI feel I can do this without worrying about how he feels about it, because at this point, his feelings don't matter. He doesn't consider mine when he pulls away after an intense emotional moment. Three years ago i did let him go physically, but now it's time to let him go completely. I can only do it by knowing I'm worth more than what he gives me & knowing my HP has so much more in store for me.
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Post by lacypooh on Nov 12, 2010 20:17:23 GMT -8
All the bombs suck, but the seductive bomb makes me feel very empty and ashamed when a guy responds to a sexual text when he won't respond to anything else. I know I have more to offer than sex, and I would always wonder why it seems that's all men wanted from me. So for awhile what I've been doing is not talking to a guy first, not texting, not calling and seeing how long it would be until they contacted me and if when they did it was a normal greeting or a sexual one. That exercise really hurt me because i found out that most the guys i knew only talked about sex or sexual things with me, and then after some deep soul searching i realized it's because I use sexual conversation to "keep them around" even though I never act on the sexual talk. It'd been a very weird/stressful few months, but finding this site has helped me to make sense of my problems and the root of them and this bomb post has been another thing that brought some clarity of my behaviors!
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humilianna
Junior Member
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear ~ Buddhist Proverb
Posts: 73
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Post by humilianna on Dec 12, 2010 21:19:21 GMT -8
Omg I am sabotage bomber! That's what I do to force them away so I don't get abandoned. Which is a contradiction. Thanks for this.
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... when of course it was just me trying to connect with him more deeply. I refrained! He said he was thinking about going home and I said "well, i'm sorry you don't feel well, if you want to go home it's your call" I was anxious to send more, but now I'm actually really proud of myself! Yay me for little wins!! ;D I will definitely be more self aware next time I get that "urge" to pounce! 
.
