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Post by ok2bme on Feb 2, 2010 13:01:59 GMT -8
Other feelings...I'm not sure...My H came home last night was getting several late night texts & responding. He's never been a texter. I asked what was going on...he said it was a guy/AA stuff. & went to bed. Well, he would NOT do this to me...but I snooped in his phone...he's been texting with a girl named person & she's from AA but not texting AA stuff.
They have plans to meet this morning at 6:30am. Old Me would have been in my car following him & confronting them. Today me is a sick person in a good process of recovering.
We haven't been in the same room/bed since last January, so like me it's not like he's bouncing from bed to bed. But I don't know how I feel about it. It's weird, I don't really feel anything. I hope that we are able to work together as a team as far as the house & the dogs until more is surfaced.
Maybe it's not time to surface. I'm thankful I'm not being tormented by the thought of him with someone. I do understand, I was alone for many years before stepping outside & I have not been there for him in over a year...& well...do not have the desire to be today either.
It's a strange day. Thankful we are both freed from our addictions today...but hmmm.
Very numb in this area.
Any feedback?
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Post by newborn on Feb 2, 2010 13:12:06 GMT -8
Have you and your husband had discussions about working on your marriage? Or are you moving forward with a separation/divorce?
It seems like a definite decision needs to be made one way or the other.
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Post by primrose on Feb 2, 2010 13:23:20 GMT -8
Just sending you a hug. You're going through some process in your marriage, be very gentle with yourself, am not surprised you feel numb. Very best. Primrose.
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Post by geedee on Feb 2, 2010 13:28:52 GMT -8
a hug from me too ok2bme. I feel pretty numb too towards my h.
one day he's breaking down in my arms while the next he is hurtful.
I cry and hold him when he's down and then think I'd be a lot happier on my own.
but regarding my real feelings towards him and if i found out he was involved with somebody else? 'NUMB' seems just about right for me too.
greta
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Post by ok2bme on Feb 2, 2010 15:00:57 GMT -8
Thanks, I was thinking I was missing something since I was feeling numb, like once again, I don't get something. But ok. Just going with numb for now.
We have not discussed anything aside from what needs to be paid, what's for dinner or ask if the dogs were fed so we don't feed double in the past 5 months...before that for a year, we discussed NOTHING as he was drunk beyond my tolerance. Before that we discussed his plans, which never included me & by discuss I mean I asked, what are you doing today & he told me, the end. We are not the best discussers especially when it comes to life changing discussions. I can see me being comfortable with this roomie set up for a while, largely because of our dogs (children grown) & my new found recovery. He is also new in his recovery (hence the imperfection).
I just don't know. I've become such a person of indecision. I find myself waiting to see what's dealt, then dealing with it, rather than deciding & dealing with my decision. I'm thinking that needs to change or else my life will always be up to someone else.
I asked my H if I could go with him today...just to watch him squirl...I think I'm a bit mean spirited cuz I found it funny to watch him panic I'd show up...& well...I should not be thinking it's funny...but I really can not locate a feeling on this...yet.
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Post by newborn on Feb 2, 2010 15:16:47 GMT -8
Yeah. I've done many days of numb.  I'm ambivalent and an avoidant, so that's why I asked if you'd made plans together. I can make choices when I'm on my own, but HUGE decisions that will impact other people paralyze me. I fear being 'wrong'. My husband and I have basically been roommates up until our separation 6 months ago. He's passive aggressive and when you put that together with my A&A, there's no growth. Everything just stays static. And then, when I try to move in a direction, I'm either accused of being controlling or he dismisses my suggestions. So, anyway, I'm sorry this is a hard time for you. ((((ok)))) |
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Post by ok2bme on Feb 2, 2010 22:12:16 GMT -8
Couldn't hold it in as he told me of his plans to travel tonight to an AA meeting. I asked if it would be with that person texting. He questioned my snooping. I admitted it & told him I am glad he is becoming more social. He's always been socially comfortable but his extreme hobbies & addictions kept him isolated. I told him I hope to become just as social. He told me that he has not crossed any sexual lines & if I do he would like me to tell him so we can change living arrangements. Ok, I'm still not the most honest person, I told him I will tell him if I do...(did not mention I did but no longer do). I'm not sure how this was bounced back onto me, he's not known to do this. But yea, he's been fibbing about his interactions with a female & I stand there give my word to tell if I do something.
Numb. Dumb? Part of me wants to pack up and start a new life everyday, the other, can not decide.
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Post by perfectday on Feb 3, 2010 4:28:06 GMT -8
Sorry you are having this to cope with this ok2bme. I was numb for years before I left.
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Post by ok2bme on Feb 5, 2010 10:24:37 GMT -8
My H seems to have brushed it off as just a friend. I am not really stressing at this point mainly because I have been SO incredibly sick this past year & new to recovery. I am liking my own room & freedom from the pressures of working out a marriage that I'm not certain I want to re-invest myself into.
He also has been very deep into his disease of alcoholism the past 2 years & prior stayed sober & clean with no program, so this is all new to him. He has actually been doing a visibly good job in many areas. He looks healthy again, he nearly died from this bout.
I have a peace we are both where we need to be today. I could pressure & prove more...but today I'm just looking forward to my Love Addiction book to arrive (hopefully) & have time for some other recovery reading & writing today. My room is finally coming together again. I am able to enjoy friends. I woke up thinking about what activities I may afford for fun tonight, whether someone can go or not. These are miracles for me, I was so deep into despair before.
I've learned something is very hurt inside me to have latched on at the extreme I did. My priority is really just walking through more of this process & not being in a relationship with anyone, not even my H.
I hope he has decided that this person is best kept a friend so early in his recovery, mainly because of the distraction it would cause. But if not, he has allowed me to be as sick as I needed to be before getting help & I am thankful for that. I'd like to give him the same space.
Like me, he is not bouncing from bed to bed. I had not been with him for several months prior to the exPoA & now we have not slept together for over a year so I don't feel devestated, I certainly do not feel up to being with him myself. He seems to be well interested in other things & new guy AA friends/sponsor so maybe it was just a spark thing for him & not a consumption...really don't know.
Our addictions have both been serious & I am thankful we are finding ways to recover.
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Post by primrose on Feb 5, 2010 13:32:23 GMT -8
Just wondering if there are any RCA (Recovering Couples Anonymous) meetings near you? If you're both early in recovery and want help it's a fantastic place to go to start communicating. Big hug. Primrose.
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Post by ok2bme on Feb 5, 2010 22:06:48 GMT -8
That is something to consider if we decide to work on staying together, thanks.
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Post by ok2bme on Feb 16, 2010 0:26:55 GMT -8
Saturday I was invited out with my mom & her friend. I went to a dancing place & saw my H there dancing the night away. I watched him for about 40 minutes then went to let him know I was there. It was upsetting. I understand we have not been together for over a year & I know I have not been IN the marriage myself. What I had trouble with was that he was out dancing...I wanted to do that for years & he never would with me.
We talked. We agreed to officially be seperated (living in the same house). I would like to work on my recovery & learn to become a whole person, there is a big chunk of me missing since I've spent 24 years consumed with him & 1 year consumed with another PoA...I've lost half of my life to this addiction & I'd really like to grow up now & learn indenpendence. I would like him to have the space he needs to do his thing in AA & whatever else.
Yesterday I told him that I actually realized I would really hate for us to split up permanently. I realized I would really like us to work out in the end. This was a first in a over a year to feel like that. I told him I do not feel that I am 'healthy' or whole enough to be in a relationship with ANYONE, married or not. I feel that if I got into a relationship with him or anyone at this stage, I would quickly return to my love addiction & I just can't yet. He said he understood & hopes in the end we are together.
So, it's a official, I am NOT in a relationship with anyone (just roommates with my H). & I realized I DO hope we are meant to work things out...that was new news to both of us!! We'll See, not rushing.
I'm pleased with the official seperation agreement, it feels better to have clarity.
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Post by ok2bme on Feb 17, 2010 12:44:11 GMT -8
We were able to discuss my Love Addiction along with his addictions he is in recovery for. It was a nice talk. We are officially separate & both free to do as we please. We also both agreed we do not want our old relationship BUT if we are meant to be together in the end we will both be very happy with that income & if we are NOT meant to be together we agreed we do love each other & want us to find our own happiness.
I'm pleased with being officially out of any relationship & having solid time for recovery. I am scared that I do not have someone to fall back on should I get weak alone. The trueth is I was ALWAYS alone but I mentally clinged to my H...but just knowing now that I don't even have him if being alone gets too scary...is scary.
I am looking forward to growing up & becoming independent (pasted on smile knees quivering in fear).
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Post by ok2bme on Feb 17, 2010 12:44:33 GMT -8
We...my H & I.
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