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Post by perfectday on Feb 14, 2010 6:46:42 GMT -8
I am sick, I know that now and had no idea before, but I know what to do to recover, thank goodness. Coming here is keeping it alive because it makes me talk about him. I just don't want to talk about him any more. Just being registered here is making me spend way too much time concentrating on my sickness and the past, instead of my life. It doesn't feel dignified to talk about the relationship in this way. I feel I've let myself down by making it public.
I won't contact ever, or reply to contact. He'll always be my PoA so he'll have to be avoided forever.
I really want to shift focus onto my new life of health and happiness. I think I will have a long time away from the board, maybe until the Summer, so that I can gain self-respect. I lost so much in the r/s and I'm still doing it by talking about him, when I really have no idea who he is and what he thought of me. He's always going to be Dad in my eyes, so it's all pointless and unreal.
This isn't drama, this is me knowing what's best for me, and that's to stop being a big bloody baby.
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Post by geedee on Feb 14, 2010 6:48:55 GMT -8
Really sorry to hear that PD.
You could maybe think about doing more service and reaching out to others if that helps and really not talk about your POA at all on here.
will miss you a lot if you go.
greta
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Post by perfectday on Feb 14, 2010 6:56:21 GMT -8
Greta, I've tried that but it always turns into, "... because my PoA ..."  I will come back and do some service, that's what I'd love to do, but when I can make it less personal I think. Being addicted to the board and talking about him is making me lose self-respect and that's what I need to build more than anything. I'll just get some space and come back healthier, I hope. And I'll miss you too, but hopefully you'll be here and helping everybody still when I come back to join you in that.  |
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Post by geedee on Feb 14, 2010 7:09:02 GMT -8
PD,
Just shows how attached I get to some people. Cos I'm sitting here in tears again. Loss for me is such a painful process to go thru.
Hurts like hell to let go when I get close and find people who are sensitive and vulnerable and that I can totally relate to ... and have the same sense of humour to boot.
Hope to hear from you when you feel better about yourself.
Love
greta
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Post by perfectday on Feb 14, 2010 7:17:41 GMT -8
This is sooooo what I do. It's what I did with PoA. I hate myself and then I have to run away. All my life. I'm crying too and I've been here TWO WEEKS! What are we like??  Here, what is this? The Long Goodbye? ROFLMAO. I will come back when I can stop hating myself, how's that? Love to you dear Greta. See you when I'm new. xxx |
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Post by primrose on Feb 14, 2010 8:40:52 GMT -8
Perfect, I think you may be about to sabotage the great work you're doing so take a breath and think about all of this ok?
Going on about your POA is a normal part of the process and you learn to take the focus of him and onto you as you heal. Where you are in your recovery, you're 100% normal.
Being addicted to recovery is HEALTHY and necessary, it's what you need to do to get well, it's a substitution method here, it's a process and very important.
The loss of self esteem isn't that you're losing something that you had, in withdrawal you peel back the layers and discover that you had none in the first place. Your identity is revealed as a non-identity, that is very scary and feels like you're losing something of yourself, what you're actually losing is the inauthentic self, the false self. That's what you're feeling right now.
Sabotage is normal for love addicts. Find something that's good, reject it.
Ok, am going to tell you off here (primrose with hand on hip) don't quit. If you bail you are walking out on yourself. You DON'T know what's right for you at this moment, honestly, you don't. You will NEVER be able to give service until you are a great big unlovely blob of a useless mess and let that just be and let yourself take and accept that that is okay.
Self-esteem? That will come when you STAY HERE. Quit. Honestly. What a lot of diva nonsense. This is the best thing you are doing for yourself. You are doing great. I will be angry if you leave because you deserve to carry on getting well. Very best. P.
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Post by primrose on Feb 14, 2010 8:47:13 GMT -8
And another thing (still with hand on my hip) as well as going into sabotage you are being totally wilful. Very common in LAs, and I can spot it a mile off as I am so wilful myself. Being wilful really damages your recovery, so take a telling, stay on the board, and when it comes to your step 6 put wilful and self-sabotage at the top of your list. But until then, STAY ON THE BOARD. P.
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Post by perfectday on Feb 14, 2010 10:23:41 GMT -8
My therapist doesn't want me to talk about him any more. She says it's not about him so we shouldn't talk about him. I don't want to think about him any more. Coming here makes me think about him and I can't stand it. I don't want to be a diva, I want to stop making everything worse. What if he does come here and read? Well, why don't I just make him hate me a bit more by saying that my therapist thinks he's gay and in denial? I've done that now, can't take it back. It's true that she said it, but I don't want him to read that.
Do you know how many times I've said goodbye to this man? I don't want to say goodbye in here the same number of times but I WILL. I know myself. I will have to keep running away because I can't stand the sound of my own voice. I can't stand to see all that pathetic mess on the screen, because that's me. I don't want it to be me. I want to pretend to be somebody who is getting on with it, until I can get on with it.
I hate that my pain is out there, that I am putting it into the public domain. There was no internet when I was young. This is new to me. I've had a r/s based on bloody electronics, which I HATED and now I'm airing dirty linen in public. I'm not proud of me. I wish I could have done this in a real life setting but there are none within miles of me, so here I am.
I know I sabotage good things, always have, but I can do the steps at home. I have a billion books about this stuff. I understand it, but I don't know how my whining will help. It's making me despise myself just a bit more, if that was even possible.
Being willful seems to be the only control I have. I hear you Primrose, but I can't believe it's good to post my pain on a forum. I don't know why.
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Post by perfectday on Feb 14, 2010 10:40:05 GMT -8
I do know why. I know what this is about. I don't want him to know. I don't want him to know how sick I am or how hurting I am or anything.
I want to disappear from him and I am scared he will come here and read it. Which proves that I care very much still what he thinks. Because of this illness, I care too much.
That's why I am running from this. That's why I am losing self-esteem, because I don't want him to know and I'm afraid he will. I have lost so much dignity with him and it matters to me.
Thinking more about it. That's not the only reason. It's the self-loathing when I look at my naive sickness on the page. I don't want to see it written down.
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Post by primrose on Feb 14, 2010 11:16:20 GMT -8
Perfect I sit in meetings 3 times a week and get honest and people see my face and could work out a lot about me if they so desired. My anonimity is precious to me as it is for everyone. We all have things to lose. I've sat in meetings next to people who are very famous and would lose their profile\wifes etc if word got out that they were in slaa. I was TERRIFIED to get honest in meetings, absolutely terrified.
People don't get well on their own, if that was possible no one would go to meetings and expose themselves, or expose themselves here, but to get well we have to make ourselves vulnerable. Id totally accept it if you were going to just go to meetings instead, but you're not. Well, it's up to you of course, but this is sabotage in my eyes plain and simple and I'm very sorry for it.
Your POAs probably too busy with someone new to give a hoot if you're here or not. We are not that special to them. You could EASILY be here and just bottom line writing about him. EASY. You'd only get support for that decision. Go if you must of course, I will miss you a lot. I love your posts and see you getting better not worse. Mind you that self-destruct "abandon ship" button that you have I'd suggest you bottom line as well! Be well dear girl and I hope I see you soon. With love, Primrose.
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Post by geedee on Feb 14, 2010 11:31:52 GMT -8
Perfect,
you don't want to talk about him. you don't want to think about him. Do you think he's just going to disappear by repressing those thoughts?
Hmmm...I have very little experience, Primrose is light years ahead of me, that is obvious for everyone to see, but somehow I think we see things in very much the same way.
running away never did us any good in the past. why should it suddenly start working now. Face the pain, get it out and maybe we'll start to get some recovery.
if there's anything you want deleted from individual posts just got thru them and delete. You could save a copy for your own reference that noone can see but you.
Best wishes, whatever you decide.
G xxx
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Post by perfectday on Feb 14, 2010 12:18:47 GMT -8
Before I say anything else, I'll start with posting Step work only and see how I go. I want to get well. Sorry Greta, for saying goodbye and coming back. That was an idiotic thing to do. I have such a mess in my head today. I just can't stop crying. I think VD has affected me more than I thought. I was trying to do what I thought was good for me, honestly. I know I often do the exact OPPOSITE of what is good for me and this seems to be more of the same.
Okay, I know he doesn't give a hoot about me. He won't be following me here 'cos he loves me. He might be here 'cos he's SLA and looking for help ... and he cares very much about what people say about him. I may have upset him with things I've posted, especially as he hates my therapist anyway and thinks she's doing a bad job with me. Her saying he might be deep in denial would make him angry and I should have kept it to myself.
I can't delete because other people's posts will make it plain what I have said. Oh well. Why worry if I'm never going to see him again? Because I didn't want the memory of me to be any worse than it already is. I suppose I shall have to face it that the memory of me is a bad one anyway. That hurts me dreadfully. Nothing can be salvaged from it. Hopeless mess. I hate that.
I suppose part of me is refusing to know that this is really so in the past that it doesn't matter what I say any more, as long as I'm honest.
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Post by geedee on Feb 14, 2010 12:25:53 GMT -8
Don't worry about saying goodbye then coming back!!!
I used to do that all the time with my POA. LOL
Think we've all got to understand and accept that some days are just worse then others and we have to ride out the storm.
big hugs
greta
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Post by primrose on Feb 14, 2010 12:29:50 GMT -8
Perfect, put it down to a valentine's meltdown and stay, glad you're here and going to carry on posting, and... aften giving you more advice than is good for me, let me suggest that next time you're in high distress don't make any decisions. Keep aaawwaay from the "abandon ship" button ok? I used to do weekend group therapy that was very intense and at the end of each three day session one of the therapists used to read out a list of things it was best not to do. No rash purchases of houses, deciding to flee the country, no getting married, no deciding to have a baby etc. High emotion leaves us vulnerable and you're in withdrawal and you've just gone through valentine's day. Not really surprising you'd have a rough one. Big hug and be kind to yourself. P.
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Post by primrose on Feb 14, 2010 12:32:58 GMT -8
Greta, light years? Are you forgetting I am too scared to look at your post about the reality of having kids?! when you write about that I throw a dishtowel over my head, put my fingers in my ears and sing "lalala" light years.... as if! P. |
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Post by geedee on Feb 14, 2010 13:47:53 GMT -8
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Post by kelleyboy on Feb 14, 2010 15:27:28 GMT -8
Before I say anything else, I'll start with posting Step work only and see how I go. I want to get well. Sorry Greta, for saying goodbye and coming back. That was an idiotic thing to do. I have such a mess in my head today. I just can't stop crying. I think VD has affected me more than I thought. I was trying to do what I thought was good for me, honestly. I know I often do the exact OPPOSITE of what is good for me and this seems to be more of the same. It might be good to acknowledge whatever pain you are in. Remember this pain is severe enough to make you feel like you are DYING. You aren't, but hurting THAT much can make you do and say all kinds of loopy sh*t. Also I hope you don't expect to have much clarity about yourself right now. It is a miracle that any of us in the throws of this addiction can even put two words together. PRAY. Bring HP into this. Scream, Cry, kick spit do whatever you have to do. Try to believe what Primrose and Greta are telling you. There are rewards to going through it. If you can't make it, and have to act out, then be gentle with yourself. As a matter of fact, be gentle anyway. You have know idea how he feels. I know it is the most important thing in the world to know though. I know because I am just like you. I can't count how many posts I have read here where a person is concerned how their POA feels and thinks about them. Like their life depends on it. There is a reason for this. It has the effect of heroin to know they love us. We can move mountains, the day is beautiful, and it all happens instantly. That is how powerful this is. We have been like puppets. We here have all been like this. Same words, and feelings, different people. I know the feeling of not wanting to be a bad memory to them. Another example, of how you and I, we are the same. It is also another method of controlling the addiction. Can't tell you how many times I have tried to preserve what was left, and still tore it completely to pieces. That is how powerless I am. Bam!, refusal to accept reality comes from refusal to face ourselves, and see the truth. My therapist said the other day, that the truth is, I didn't want good things for myself. I wanted to remain in painful desperate situations to prove to myself I didn't deserve to be happy or have anything good. I am starting to see that he is right. You are feeling what you are supposed to be feeling to get you to a place of surrender, and to start listening to others who love you. KB |
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Post by kelleyboy on Feb 14, 2010 15:40:16 GMT -8
It sounds like you may be afraid some of us are feeling impatient with you for talking about your POA. I Hope that is not the case. Take a look at the similarities between you and us. Know that you are in the right place here. Withdrawal doesn't have a set time-line. It lets go when it is ready, and the sooner we come to terms with that the better off we are. This is just ADDICTION. Sadly, there is little more than that. We really wish it wasn't, and that is much of the problem. There is some love, but the selfish way overshadows the love. And in the end if it is destroying us, how much is it worth to debate how much of this was love or addiction. Time to throw in the chips PD. Your guy may find you here, and if that is HP's will there is nothing you can do to stop it. You do have US. And we are cut from the same cloth. We have the same problem and the same solution.
If you are afraid you are not worth recovery, not many of us are here on merit. Most if not all of this is Grace.
KB
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Post by kelleyboy on Feb 14, 2010 16:09:41 GMT -8
My therapist doesn't want me to talk about him any more. She says it's not about him so we shouldn't talk about him. I don't want to think about him any more. Coming here makes me think about him and I can't stand it. I don't want to be a diva, I want to stop making everything worse. What if he does come here and read? Well, why don't I just make him hate me a bit more by saying that my therapist thinks he's gay and in denial? I've done that now, can't take it back. It's true that she said it, but I don't want him to read that. This guy will get over it, whatever you have said about him. Your therapist doesn't really understand LA. The only reason you want to talk about him, is because you are in WITHDRAWAL. When I was a boy, and I would get love addicted, all I wanted to do was talk about her. I would go to my Dad(who knows why), and he would say, "F*** her, get over it, go find someone else". Others gave me the same advice. My thought was, "yep, good for you, If I could just GET OVER IT, don't you think I would???" I can't just get over it. I am not saying wallow in it. I am just saying stop giving a rats a** what others think of how you are reacting to this. And stop judging yourself by how you think others would handle it. You are handling this the way you handle it. Like a love addict, and if you are powerless like me, you cannot handle it any other way. For now anyway. You may be able to handle it different later. But not now. HP wants you to see this. It is step one. [/quote] Take as long as you need. You have no power over it anyway. You cannot set the time on this. HP's Grace is involved here. Say a prayer for surrender, then know it has already been answered. You're pain and withdrawal, and all this mess will eventually put you in a unique position to be of real help to someone else like you. I am glad your pain is here. It is HELPING ME. You sabotage because you think you are not worthy of goodness. Well, guess what? None of us are? That is why they call it Grace! We're all in the same boat. We screwed our lives up. Also, I have recent experience trying to do recovery on my own. It sucks! Doesn't work. Why do you insist you are unique? Is it so you can prove that you deserve this pain? Being willful is a symptom of not having the ability to control this. If we could control it, do you think we would have to exercise self-will? Self will comes in generally when things aren't going our way, and we struggle to right the situation. We love you PD. No matter how f'd up you think you are. You can insist that you are being a big baby, and that it is not good to post your pain on a public message board, but it just so happens, there aren't that many resources for LA'S of our type. If you are anything like me, you will not be able to do this alone. I need to hear your pain. I need to hear all this stuff you post, your fears, your self-hatred. It reminds me, I am not alone. You are immensely helpful to me, in a good "So grateful you are here!" way. KB |
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Post by kelleyboy on Feb 14, 2010 16:18:59 GMT -8
I think VD has affected me more than I thought. Perfect abbreviation for this day. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 14, 2010 21:16:32 GMT -8
Regarding leaving the program . . . This is a life-time disease. Your support network is needed forever. It is common these days to see 12-Step programs like a revolving door. This happened in the 1980's when you paid for an outpatient program and then graduated. There are no graduations in recovery. We must be vigilant for a long time. I have twice left recovery and come close to losing everything. But I came back before slipping so now I have 27 years in AA, 5 years in OA and 25 years in LAA. I encourage you to see this board as part of your recovery--a part that would be dangerous to let go of. Just a thought . . . |
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Post by perfectday on Feb 15, 2010 0:14:57 GMT -8
Everyone who's helping me, thanks, and especially all that time you've spent on replying KB. It is so much appreciated. You're all lovely. I'm trying to run away from the pain, because it feels like too much. I'm not really able to face up to the fact that he didn't love me, but I will learn. The fact that I showed him my very worst and trashy self, in my addiction, kills me. But I won't die. He showed me what I think of myself: that I am worthless, ugly, unlovable rubbish. That will have to change. It's taking longer than Mrs. Control wants. It's all about self-hatred, I know. His opinion is still all that matters, and I can't know his opinion, although I fear I do. I turned into something I hated in this sickness. If staying here will make me stop hating myself, I am very, very glad to stay. Yes, more step work now and lots more praying. And building a better life. That can start now my daughter's starting school. The world is my oyster! |
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Post by perfectday on Feb 15, 2010 0:16:00 GMT -8
I think VD has affected me more than I thought. Perfect abbreviation for this day. Absolutely. Bloody. Right.  Thank God there's a year until the next one! |
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Post by geedee on Feb 15, 2010 1:29:54 GMT -8
you don't know he doesn't love you. I don't know if my POA loves me.
But they are toxic for us.
END OF STORY!
Now it's time to let go and let God.
big hugs my friend and thank YOU for helping me too.
greta xxx
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Post by geedee on Feb 15, 2010 2:14:10 GMT -8
'The fact that I showed him my very worst and trashy self, in my addiction, kills me. But I won't die. He showed me what I think of myself: that I am worthless, ugly, unlovable rubbish'
That's exactly what I did PD. exactly. Couldn't have sunk any lower if I tried. Degraded myself and went against everything I had professed to believe in my whole life.
I was 'worthless trash' when i was with my POA, both in the real world and on the internet. b
But now, thank God, I can see it was my addiction making me act that way and I'm learning so much about myself on this journey to recovery. I have been crying buckets for a couple of days now but it's part of the grieving process.
As I said, there are good days and bad days but I KNOW I'm worth more. I'm rebuilding my self esteem on solid foundations, not on the warped version of myself that I have had my whole life.
We are bloody vulnerable right now PD but this is a safe place for us. I trust the people on here and know that I have so much to learn from everyone - regardless of where they are in recovery.
Hang on in there!
Greta
BTW Kelleyboy, it's brilliant to see how much support and good advice you are giving despite your own pain ;D
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Post by primrose on Feb 15, 2010 6:08:07 GMT -8
Very helpful for me too. Glad you're here. P.
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Post by perfectday on Feb 15, 2010 6:32:09 GMT -8
Greta, there are moments when I 'get it', like normies, and know that it doesn't matter what he thought of me, or what he tells people about me. They are great moments and I know they will come more and more often with NC and doing the work. What he did was show me what I thought of me, that's the point. I'm telling myself this, btw, not you. I know you know already  It's been a low patch but I'm going to get proactive and boost the self esteem in as many ways as I can without breaking the bank! Sorting the hair out today as a start. KB, I've said thanks but I want you to know that I won't be reading this just the once. I'll keep on reading it when I start to think I should be somewhere else. You put so much heart into your response. Glad to be staying here. Just drained after the weekend. |
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Post by geedee on Feb 15, 2010 6:35:35 GMT -8
I know you know I know but I need to keep reminding myself anyway! ;D yay! get your hair done! pamper yourself. wish I could join you but I've got supermarket to look fwd to in a while greta |
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Post by kelleyboy on Feb 15, 2010 15:33:57 GMT -8
KB, I've said thanks but I want you to know that I won't be reading this just the once. I'll keep on reading it when I start to think I should be somewhere else. You put so much heart into your response. I just hope you realize you are no different than us. |
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Post by perfectday on Mar 15, 2010 10:12:33 GMT -8
Help me again, friends.
This board isn't anonymous like a meeting in town would be for me. This board is on the internet, not just for those people who turn up to a meeting.
I am not anonymous here, because of what I say. Yet again I feel a huge lack of dignity for discussing this in a place where HE CAN READ IT! It's horrible, doesn't anyone see that? If I was doing it in private in an SLAA group that would be fine but I am not. This is the frickin fracken internet!
I can't hide this from him if he chooses to come to see whether I am discussing him, or even if he tries to get help for his addiction.
How would you feel if your PoA was reading? Honestly? You wouldn't like it and I am that convinced that he is reading that I do. not. like it. There's no dignity in this. I am sick of not being adult and getting some dignity. I don't want to talk about my PoA in a place where he can see it, it's trashy. Is it just me???
And why wouldn't I care? Why wouldn't I want enough self-respect to keep my healing away from him? Even though he is in my past, if he comes here I am in his present. That isn't even NC is it? This isn't NC. Not really.
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