"I don't want to talk about my PoA in a place where he can see it, it's trashy."
I have seen some, including myself get dinged over talking about our PoAs. I have been one to benefit from knowing of the similiarities in a PoA, it has helped me to understand my relationship was not unique so I am not taken back if others need to discuss them. My point in saying this is that you can still use the board to talk about feelings, recovery & self discovery about your addiction.
I would not want my PoA to read what I say about him either, but he saw me acting my sickest in my addiction so I would not be embarrassed to work toward better health if he should peek.
To me, my effort to get better is not only an amends to myself but to those I assigned & chased to be my healer against there offer.
To me it was far more embarrassing to do the sick things I did out of my control in front of him than it is to get better. No shame in working toward a better me, regardless of how awkward it looks at times.
I have benefited from your posts as well & hope you find a way to do whatever you need for a better you.
I say this all the time & MEAN THIS 100% EVERY TIME I SAY IT....
Hye PD, Im confused!! I can see your struggling though and I feel for you.
Why would he be able to find this site unless he was led to it? The internet is BIG. DO you think he is here?
I understand sometimes feeling like the site is counter productive. I left for a while and it kind of helped and kind of didn't.
I'll be honest with youPD, its been a while for me, my last POA does not feel like a POA in the way it did in the early days. Its just a label he has now. I couldn't care less if he read all this, if he chose to invade my privacey ( if he had been led here for example) then I would tell him that was unaccpetible for me. If he was upset at what he read I would say it wasn't up for disscussion because he chose to read it. End of story.I don't care what he knows, so what......
This may not feel very relavant to you, but it is..because the way feel is within your reach, its right there in front of you should you choose to look at it.
I suspect that cogniative behavioral therapy may help you wiht controling your thoughts because as far as I can tell this is what it boils down to for you. You can train yourself to turn away from him and make him irrelavant, you really can.
Lastly you say you don't want to talk about your POA, so don't. Im not trying to be mean I promise!! But the whole point of the board is to try and stop this focusing on your POA. I think talk about your POA should take up minimal space right at the beginning. unless a very specific issue come sup eg he has come back to me after 6 months or soemthing.....You can talk about the addictive pain and withdrawl and it deosn't have to give anythign away about your life. and it deosn't have to be baout HIM
PD your whole post is very dramatic and all about your POA, thats your choice to do that, no one is forcing you. Breathe. You have more power then you think. He only has power over you if you decide to let him. You can let it go.... NC is about not contacting them, if your still consumed by them like you seem to be then it defeats the object. NC is a means to an end. You have to find a way to turn your mind away from him and I really really believe the board can help you.
You need to find a way to really get into reocvery.
Please keep posting, we can help and I like your posts alot
I agree with you 100%. Recovery is something we owe to ourselves. And I couldnt care less if my POA is reading or not.
I never really got closure with my POA but sometimes I think many years from now I'd like to sit down for a coffee with him and talk about all the trashy, sad disgusting things I did with him and how I was insane at the time. Not to get forgiveness from him but somehow to 'redeem' my soul. Maybe get back some dignity back by really explaining about this disease and the effects it has on your sanity. But that will never happen I don't think. Just another little fantasy I suppose. And not really of any help.
So I'm making amends to myself and to God by talking about this disease on here. Giving back to others as a thank you for getting my life back.
We owe it to each other to help, listen and share our experiences and to show our gratitude for feeling so much better after getting so close to the brink.
We owe our recovery partly to those who helped us when we came here in despair and now it's our turn to give back to the newcomers who come to the board and are as desperate as we were only a matter of weeks ago.
I owe everyhting to this board because apart from God, it's all I have to help me recover. Maybe I'd think differently if I went to face to face meetings or had a therapist. Maybe...but I don't think so.
PD, truth is, you don't know if he's reading or not. You don't know what another person thinks, does, it is about US and what's going on for us. It is ultimately none of our business what another person thinks.
This has to be about us, I know you know that and are doing a brilliant job in your recovery, but do remember we have no control over what anyone thinks of us, and he is just one person, someone might be reading now who thinks you're really the queen of england, would that stop you posting? Okay, don't answer that
I really can't imagine my POA would ever read anything on a recovery site, but if I did find out he read this board I would be flattered that he'd bother and id have to be careful not to try and beguile him with my words (that's what I used to do) I'd need bottom lines around that to make sure I didn't act out very subtly, but it wouldn't stop me posting. Best. P.
Last Edit: Mar 15, 2010 14:38:21 GMT -8 by primrose
Only the ego can struggle, the soul lives in ease and joy.
Post by perfectday on Mar 15, 2010 22:09:53 GMT -8
Because we talked about it being an addiction I think he might come here to find out more about his own problem. Maybe that's giving him too much credit for wanting to change. Although the internet is big, this is THE message board for LA, I think.
I have given him all of me and he didn't want it and he won't get any more. My mental health and now my physical health suffered and are suffering. I feel scattered to the four winds. Yes, Winnie, I am a bit dramatic, lol. That's me. I want to gather myself back in, collect my thoughts and my actions. When I am on here I feel like I am throwing parts of me out there for him to collect.
I do have a spiritual strength I didn't have before and that is helping me but I have to get my power back. I have to feel that my energy is being retained because I need every little bit of it now. When I am here I am powerless over whether I am giving him parts of me by accident. I seem to have very little self-control and when I post I talk about things I don't want to. I delete as much as I post!
G, although I want to help others I can't do that at the expense of my own health.
I can't go NC in my head while I'm here Winnie because although he might not be reading he might BE. Too big a risk for me. He isn't here in my home town. He is on the internet. Therefore I have huge anxiety when I am on the 'net. It's where our r/s mostly was. Coming here does keep me consumed by him, when I want to move on. I know I can't control what he thinks of me but I sure as heck don't want to give him the gift of my struggles with this!
I was abused by him because of his own addiction. No doubt about it. I am as much trauma bonded as I am LA. I know what to do: build my self-esteem, my self-respect and my life. I don't have much of a life as I have been at home for way too long, and then I was ill. Now I have the chance to get a life and I'm going to.
Maybe all this proves is that I am not as far into healing as I thought I was. I can see what you are all saying, thanks very much everyone for wanting to help, but for me the 'net is a bad place. Typing this message is triggering me big time! I feel just like I did when I used to write to him. Yuck. For me, NC will only happen when I am where he cannot be and that's in my real life.
Thanks all, especially for your kind words. I will stop posting for now and see if I feel any different later one. Maybe when I'm a bit more over what has happened and I don't feel so run down, because I sure don't feel very well physically at the moment because of his little gift.
Oh no , your not getting off that easy. You'll laugh at yourself someday down the line. You won't give a stuff what he thinks or knows about this place.
So here's a suggestion. Stop talking about him here. The next time you are writing, and the word "he" comes up, turn it on yourself. Write "I" instead, or something like that.
Or just use this place to write about yourself. And talk about him in private to someone else, like a sponsor or a friend. Start a new gmail account, one that he couldn't possibly know about, and give your sponsor or friend that email address, you can chat with them there.
Change your name on this board, and promise yourself ONLY to talk about yourself here. That way you won't feel you have cheapened or bad mouthed the relationship. But don't leave. You are one of us.
Post by perfectday on Mar 22, 2010 12:33:42 GMT -8
It doesn't matter if he's reading, I know that now.
I've been grieving the loss of the fantasy this past week: the fantasy that if I could just get the *right* man to want me I would be worthy at last and could stop hating myself.
It's really not about him now; it's *only* about my childhood stuff still not having been resolved. It needed something to make me so sick that I could vomit it up so I could heal it. We had a contract to do this work together and he played his part perfectly by being a mirror and showing me how much I despised myself. I told him how to treat me based on my own self-contempt.
I am the love addict. I am the sex addict. I am so ashamed of my SA behaviour in the relationship but I didn't ask for the childhood abuse that got me here so I can only do my best from now on - now that I know what's been wrong with me. I now have self-respect and a value system in place. I won't ever betray myself again in a search for validation which leads me into places that are a million miles away from what my heart and soul want and need. It was all I thought I deserved.
I have been here before. NC started 10 weeks ago and I knew on that day that what I have just written is all I needed to know but for some reason I go around and around with this stuff. Pain avoidance and denial I guess. Every time I get low I come back stronger, that's the main thing.
I went to the cinema to see it when it first came out. Long long time ago!!! I remember laughing a lot, especially at the crucifiction. Oh dear I'm a Catholic and felt I was a very very naughty girl for finding it funny. When our priest said it made him laugh too I was kinda relieved and stopped beating myself up
PD, glad you're officially back Miss you on the board when you do a "he's reading, I'm off" but now I know you come back, I will be relaxed if that happens again and not try and talk you out of it. Your process knows best. V best. P.
Only the ego can struggle, the soul lives in ease and joy.
PD I am friends with a woman who like me was in slaa 10 years ago, we left, we came back. Think it's quite common to question. Was certainly part of my process, I came back to recovery v annoyed indeed that I had to! Id been out for years, id healed a lot of things, I didn't see myself as an addict. Questioning things is a big part of who I am, I'll only settle when I've tested out things for myself. P.
Only the ego can struggle, the soul lives in ease and joy.
Dear Prim, I am so sorry. I deleted the post just as you replied. I decided I was being my usual wilful stroppy rebellious self and thought I could find things out for myself without making a big to-do about it.