|
|
Post by rpcd79 on Feb 17, 2010 8:19:55 GMT -8
I find myself alone this morning. I hate being alone. I have tried to boost myself up and tell myself I don't need to be with anyone today, just enjoy being myself. Its hard.
I am engaged to get married and feel so overwhelmed. I love him like crazy, he is so supportive and understanding of things I feel and think, almost too good to be true. He dotes on me like crazt too, but I am so fearful it will all end once we get married. I fear he will get more relaxed and I will get bored once again. I am trying to allow myself to get comfortable in our relationship and not need the "fire" all the time. Some days are better than others.
I feel in my heart I have come a long way from where I was a year ago. However I get those days where I feel so down and insecure about my life and myself. I know if I just allow myself to fall into the wife and mother routine and take each day at a time, I will be okay. I am trying not to set myself up for failure and not be so needy and selfish with my feelings. I already feel better getting this out there.
God has blessed me with a healthy person and I don't want to let my need for contstant love and attention to rouine this. I know I have my own identity.... I just have to stop being afraid to be my own person and live. Just one of my days.....
|
|
Woof
Junior Member
Posts: 56
|
Post by Woof on Feb 18, 2010 9:06:00 GMT -8
Dear 79. Thank you for this writing. I wake up in hotel rooms alot. I am alone and lonely. Even when I am at home with my wife next to me. I am a lonely person. When I was with my POA however I felt so glad to with this person even though it was a triangle. What is at the heart of this? Am I spiritually lonely? I want someone who reaches out to me in the morning and says I love you. You are just the greatest thing! If you have this with your man, don't let go. It is such a gift for both of you.
|
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 18, 2010 11:21:15 GMT -8
Dear 79. Thank you for this writing. I wake up in hotel rooms alot. I am alone and lonely. Even when I am at home with my wife next to me. I am a lonely person. When I was with my POA however I felt so glad to with this person even though it was a triangle. What is at the heart of this? Am I spiritually lonely? Normal people get lonely and easily satisfy it with a call to a friend. In early recovery love addicts are lonely but cannot find release because the loneliness comes from self-alienation (severe form of low self-esteem, sometimes including self-hatred) and spiritual bankruptcy (alienation from God). When you love and embrace yourself and internalize God's love for you, the deep-seated loneliness will slowly dissipate. P.S. Nick, some of your loneliness is your withdrawal, but not all of it. Look deeper in to it with your therapist. |
|
|
|
Post by rpcd79 on Feb 18, 2010 12:37:02 GMT -8
Thank you for your words of encouragement. today is a little eaier on me. I woke up and did my devotional, spent spiritual time with God. Looking forward to dinner with my fiancee saturday. I am glad I am here to relate to others. I would call my friends when I get lonely, but the only friend I really have is so extremely judgmental. I talk to her about my problems, and struggles.... however, she misses the total train werck I was and hates the fact that I am happy now with somone good for me. I think she liked when I was with my ex husband because he ignored me and I spent all my time getting attention from her. Since I have been back in church and with my fiancee the past year and a half, she hates that I am healing, so I have backed off from her alot. I know it was the best thing for me. She suggested I go to bars and meet strange men (I didn't want sexual encounters, I wanted a flood of loving emotion).... however she mocks that I have maintained purity since being with this wonderful person and have done a spiritual turn around. Does anyone else have days where they feel like a wave of emotion is crashing and your sufficating and others it is calm? And have others found themselves letting go of close friends for healing puroses? I started beading as a hobby to take my mind off my need to smother my poor fiancee, that definately helps..... and when I go to my womens bible study it brings a huge sense of peace.
Thank you for your support, I hope I can try and help others through opening up.
|
|
|
|
Post by geedee on Feb 18, 2010 13:21:55 GMT -8
Susan said:
Thank you for this Susan.
When I was involved with my POA (even during 'highs') I felt the loneliest I have in my whole life. My self esteem was at an all time low(even tho I didnt believe that at the time) and I was indeed 'spiritually bankrupt'.
Like many others here I made my POA my HP. but of course he had nothing to give me at all so the loneliness became more and more acute. I degraded myself to get his attention pushing boundaries with every passing day in an attempt to get his attention and overcome the loneliness but it was futile. My life was just a total meaningless mess.
When I got into recovery I was lucky to be filled with the love of God almost immediately. And that 'pink cloud' lasted several weeks.
there was then a feeling of emptiness regarding my marriage but slowly, gradually I'm getting back to normal.
I'm really starting to feel whole again. 4 months into recovery and truly grateful.
greta
|
|
spaceodyssey
Junior Member
Where there's a Will, there's a way.
Posts: 53 
|
Post by spaceodyssey on Apr 26, 2010 14:36:55 GMT -8
I grew up in a Catholic house hold. Not part timers either. Growing up I was very much a beliver. I have lost my faith in God as I knew him in my mid teens. I do not believe in God. I am having a hard time finding my HP. I understand God can mean vairous different things to vairous different people. I just haven't found mine yet and I don't know where to look.
|
|
