I am a torch bearer. i am just so depressed and confused now. I cant leave my POA. my POA is nice, but i am so obsessed with getting him to marry me. I remind him about twice a month, to make a decision to marry me. and he just doesnt see me in that way. he keeps telling me that i am not the one. But i cant do without him.
I try to go into NC, but deep down inside the aim is to make him miss me and come back. and it doesnt happen. and i go back to him. this is the tenth time. i am tired. It just feels like i am going to die. i want to die.
I decide i want to stay with him, till i see someone else who will MARRY me, but once we get back, i get so obsessed with him. he treats me very very well, but does not agree to the marriage. Marriage to me is the only way a man can validate that he truly truly loves me.
I am confused. NC sends me into depression. I simply cannot do it. i am not strong eenough. I hate this hurt i feel. I want it to end. I want to be with him, because he is the first POA who has actually shown me love, but i want Marriage. I have been fasting and praying for God to make him decide that he wants to marry me. Please someone pray for me. God help me. Because i am in so much pain now, that it hurts my soul.
I need God to show me the way. I need God to help me, to tell me what he wants me to do. I pray and everything that comes to my mind seems like that is what God says.
I want to stay with him and pray God makes him marry me. But everyday i start asking him if he wants to marry me. I go beyond my means to make him propose. It hasnt been so hard for any of my friends to get married, so why me?
I want to leave so God can bring a new man to my life. But i cant stay alone. i cant stay without the love of a man. I cant stay without a POA. I havent been single for the past ten years.
GOd i beg you, Everyone please pray for me. i am going crazy. i do not know what to do. this feels like madness. this feels like sorrow. I am calling on God to help me. I want to die. i dont want to continue like this.
I am going to tell you something that you aren't going to like. Whatever pain you are in, will not kill you. You may kill yourself over the pain, but it will not kill you. I have 46 years of going through this horrible excruciating pain, and it has not killed me once. I say horrible and excruciating, because that is exactly how I experience it. No worse emotional pain in the world for me. If this was a tribe, I'd be the chief.
Get some therapy, get some help. Stay on this board! I noticed you have been here since December, and have not posted that much. I'm telling you, you can do this. But you have to admit that you lose. You lose. You can pray and fast til the cows come home. This guy does not want the same thing as you. Take him at his word. He means it. You are not for him. It does not matter how much you want this it will not happen. It also does not matter what your aim is when you go in NC at first. That will change. By the way, I'm a torchbearer too, and I work with my latest POA. Horribly difficult stuff, let me tell you. You are not alone. And do not have to get through this alone. Were here for you. Pray for release, pray for the end, pray for surrender. Pray that HP takes this from you.
codachic, kellyboy is right, it wont kill you this pain. It is possible to go through it and stick with it. if you go NC for YOURSELF, it will work, but of course you do have to want to do it for yourself. It's not right to try and force someone to love you. However kindly your POA treats you, he doesnt want to marry you and doesnt see you that way. The pain of withdrawal will help you get to a place where you never have to beg anyone ever again to love you. I wish you the very best. Primrose.
Only the ego can struggle, the soul lives in ease and joy.
When I pray, I try to pray for acceptance of God's will. Maybe you should try that instead of praying that God will make him marry you? it gives me a deep sense of peace and takes away any fears I may have.
I agree that it would be best for you to go NC and break the addiction because we can't make anybody do anything they don't want to. Talking from personal experience...
Coda, Of course you can be strong enough if you really want this. All of us going thru NC have been thru the incredible pain of withdrawal and the longing for contact. Please wake up and realize you are NOT going to get what you want/need from this POA. He's told you that he won't or can't give you what you need. Why keep going back for more pain? I know it seems like going back to him takes away the pain, but really you are just prolonging the inevitable breakup and disappointment.
And you won't meet anyone else while you are trying to win your POA's affection. Even if you met someone who could potentially be a partner, you won't allow it to happen. You'll be so focused on getting your unattainable POA that you won't have the time, energy or inclination to see the potential in other relationships.
Go cold turkey now. Take back control. Regain your pride and put this behind you. Do it for yourself. Know that it will be hard, but you will get better slowly. I'm at 10.5 months of NC. Almost an entire year! In the past I could barely go a weekend without going crazy over not seeing my POA. A day with contact with her was absolute agony. I couldn't stand it. And now here I am at almost a year of NC. Amazing! You too can have a "success" story like this one.
[P.S. - I'm not recovered but I am in recovery. I know any future contact with my POA would trigger me again. My POA is like a drug to me. I didn't like my brain on drugs. Even though it sometimes felt good, it also made me feel desperate, depressed, anxious, insecure most of the time. I was either extremely happy or in deep misery. That's no way to live. NC is my way of remaining drug-free.]
heres the hting, your making a common mistake in terms of no contact. You think that this is th epoint of it all and once you do it then everything will be ok. So rather then starting recovery your going round and round and round in a cycle thta is causing you the most unimaginable pain
listen , YOU DO NOT NEED TO DO ANYTHING.
You do not need to leave him.
ALot of poeple on the board do not realise this, but w ehave to remind ourselves that NC is not the answer it is just a means to bring you to another place, if its not working then find another means. But for gods sake stop trying to leave this man.
In 'women who love too much' Robin Norwood says that once you start to take care you yourself then the relationship will take care of its self. On this occasion i think this would be helpful for you.
SO BREATH. There is no pressure for you to do anything in terms of the man your with. Accpet that right now your with him. Stop analysing it. TRy to hold your desire to be married in orbit around you. Its there , its NOT going to change over-night. Accpet it and turn to reocvery.......
So lets talk about, lets strat again form the begining. Tell us your story agian. This time though I want oyu to leave out anything to do with the current man oyu are with. We can look at that again later.
You odn't have to tell your stroy all at once, maybe bits here and there and mark them section 1/ section 2 etc.
At the same time Start a journal. in this journal you must promise yourself theat you will NOT write about marriage with your boyfreind. You will read one of the books' addicted to love by susuan peabody or 'women who love too much' by robin norwood. You will write what you feel in bullet points. Don't think too much just get out what occurs to you and keep redaing. Focus on this as if it were your homework.
Also as part of your homework to yourself you can think about step 1. Write it in your journal. REad it write down what you feel about it. Think about it some more.
If you feel an overwhelming urge to focus on your boyfreind allow yourself two pages to do this. Don't keep going over it, just vent an dget it out thne get back to your homwwork.
thsese steps are designed to help you step outside of this NC cycle oyu have got yourself caught in. They are designed to help you regain some control over yourself and focus on yourself rather then the relationhsip.
Please do this, and keep us posted .
By the way mnay mnay times I thought I could not go on, I did, I am learning all the time. I still have that torchbearer inside me bit I i know now its to do with me and not anyone else. You WILL see this in time.
I was able to survive yesterday, thank God, and i am back here today. Thank you all for all your kind words. Its always comforting to know that i am not alone. I have started doing the following:
1. I started reading Robin Norwoods Women who love too much properly (i just brushed through it the first time)
2. I was able to get some AA tapes, so i have started listening to them.
3. I have also restarted the steps again because i realized that i had answered them passively without thinking of what they really meant and how the affected me.
I am the first child of my parents, the only female. i grew up in a funny home, my dad is a very insecure man, and we grew up with so many vivid memories of him battering my mum (he also had anger issues). From the age of three he was transfered to another town, so we only saw him on weekends. Whenever he came, he would accuse my mum of spoiling us, and beat us silly in order to teach us lessons. If my mum refused to obey anything he said, he would beat her too.
As kids he always taught us to antagonise each other. He kept telling us to strive to be better than the other sibling, even if it meant pushing the person down as you go up (he claims this would help us to compete and be great in life). He also used to beat us for not coming top in the class (even when i was second or third best).
We were not close to him, and always rejoiced when he wasnt around. he is the greatest liar i know, and has a lies to make people see him for what he is not. He claims to be richer than he is, and refers to please outsiders by giving them money, even if his family starves. He refuses to give us money, claiming he is training us to be self sufficient in the future.
I remember in my primary school, i always used to cry because i felt i was odd from others, and actually even made up a song i would sing anytime i felt sad or odd. My parents also had the habit of forgetting to pick me up from school till it was three or four hours later, and one day even forgot me in school.
My mum is the understanding one, gentle, accomodating, and was ready to take what ever my dad did to her. All she would do was pray and pray and pray.
My first rejection was in my second year in high school, when i loved a classmate, and couldnt help my self and wrote a note to him. I do not know why he chose to ridicle me, but he showed the whole class the note, and everyone laughed at me. I cried through out. When i went home, i pretended to be another of my classmates, and called him on phone to find out why he did that to me, and try to convince him that 'i' was really a nice person. He didnt budge anyway.
After that, i changed schools, and my new school wasnt fun in anyway. my parents still refused to give us enough money, so we were known as the poor kids in school. My hair was always rough and i looked dirty, and thus was nicknamed 'dirty girl' I spent all my holidays in school because i was afraid to go home as my dad would be there, and that definitely spelt beating! the only time i went home with my brothers, my brother ended up the ER because my dad had beaten him with electic cables for not being able to draw the nigerian map, and his back peeled and bled!
I was excited to enter colege, because i knew college spelt freedom and distance from my dad! I entered college and it was a whole new expereince. Suddenly i had people telling me i was pretty! (i never ever considered my self that). and guys were all over me, and it was like a paradigm shift. Within my first week, i had gotten into a relationship. and within the next four months i was disvirgined.
My first bf was the nicest man i could think of, but i was always suspicious of him. I would follow him out in the dark to see if he was with another woman, and then investigate him with my friends.
When his mother died, i decided to pretend to be her dead spirit contacting him from the dead through the internet, just to find out if he had been unfaithful to his girlfriend. things went on fine, he was crazy about marrying me, but suddenly, after three years, i suddenly got bored and called it quits with him. He was in shock and begged and begged while i told him i wasnt interested, but decided to string him along till i got someone else.
I was able to string him along, till i met a new man. No one understood why i liked this man, he was short, old, ugly and had an attitude problem. he told me he had never had any relationship for more than a month, and it even excited me more. He was also very rich. I immediately dumped my first bf for him. Within two weeks, we were dating, and we had unprotected sex (i am a dr btw) but i wanted him to enjoy so much pleasure in our first sexual expereince. Things went on funy, he would suddenly snap into moods when he didnt just feel like talking for about two to three days, then after that he would come and see me with gifts. then after one month, he just stopped callling me.
I went nuts. i would sit down and actively call him for two to three hours till his phone died, but he wouldnt pick. I then decided to show up at a wedding i knew he was attending, expecting that he wouldnt be able to reject me publicly. I was in for a shocker though. he insulted me in front of everyone, and shouted on me that what was my problem and why was i stalking him. I cried through out the wedding, but immediately after i initiated No contact.
Immeidiately i turned to some other online men for support, even though i never met them. they kept me going because i couldnt stand being alone. and within six months, i met another guy, who i woudl call Brian. Brian had also never had a relationship, and had only been in a sexual relationship once. The second time i met him, we had sex and i told him i loved him, and he looked at me in shock. That was hwo we started dating. He was sooooo loving at first, and then three months into the relationship, he started exhibiting funny traits.
He would refuse to talk to me for days, and i found my self calling him and apologising if i had done anything wrong to offend him. but he would tell me he needed sometime to himself. so after about a week, he would start talking to me. of course, i decided that if i could be so caring that i became indispensible, he wouldnt be able to leave. so i started cooking, buying him expensive gifts, pretending to have the greatest sex i ever had with him (when the sex was horrible). And we went on like that for one year. The next year was the terrible one. He would lock me up in his room when he had guests, claiming he wanted to have a private life.
He would leave me in the room and go out to talk to another woman for five hours on the phone. When i began to complain, he told me that we needed to rethink the relationship, because he could nto be with a woman who didnt trust hi, so i would shut up and endure. I saw pictures of another girl in his phone, but when i brought it up, he flared up and accused me of not trusting him, so i owuld start apologising and begging him for weeks, before he forgave me. he would take decisions like traveling abroad without telling me. but i still endured. I wanted him to think of nice things and quarrel-free moments anytime he thought of me.
Eventually, I had to travel home after med school, and planned to go and visit him. i travelled eight hours to his house to see him, and he turned me back, saying he needed sometime alone. i cried and begged, but he turned me back at the door. and so i turned back, went back to my home, and it was on that same day, that i met my present POA.
So that is the story so far. I still live with my parents, my dad is still same, except that now he has been made an Anglican Priest, and i watch him tell lies on the pulpit on sunday and it hurts me. He is still aggressive and non-loving, fortunately for him he is very wealthy, so he uses his money to control everyone.
thats my whole story. I live in Nigeria, and we have no such thing as therapists here, that is why i googled and found this forum. Besides, its a taboo to say you have any thing that has to do with a psychologist because they would label your family as one that the spirit of madness runs in, and thus no one would marry from your family.