I give up. I cant do this

Hi Codachic.

I am going to tell you something that you aren't going to like. Whatever pain you are in, will not kill you. You may kill yourself over the pain, but it will not kill you. I have 46 years of going through this horrible excruciating pain, and it has not killed me once. I say horrible and excruciating, because that is exactly how I experience it. No worse emotional pain in the world for me. If this was a tribe, I'd be the chief.

Get some therapy, get some help. Stay on this board! I noticed you have been here since December, and have not posted that much. I'm telling you, you can do this. But you have to admit that you lose. You lose. You can pray and fast til the cows come home. This guy does not want the same thing as you. Take him at his word. He means it. You are not for him. It does not matter how much you want this it will not happen. It also does not matter what your aim is when you go in NC at first. That will change. By the way, I'm a torchbearer too, and I work with my latest POA. Horribly difficult stuff, let me tell you. You are not alone. And do not have to get through this alone. Were here for you. Pray for release, pray for the end, pray for surrender. Pray that HP takes this from you.

KB.

time to change your name to KelleyMAN, maybe?

greta

codachic,

When I pray, I try to pray for acceptance of God's will. Maybe you should try that instead of praying that God will make him marry you? it gives me a deep sense of peace and takes away any fears I may have.

I agree that it would be best for you to go NC and break the addiction because we can't make anybody do anything they don't want to. Talking from personal experience...


greta

Coda, Of course you can be strong enough if you really want this. All of us going thru NC have been thru the incredible pain of withdrawal and the longing for contact. Please wake up and realize you are NOT going to get what you want/need from this POA. He's told you that he won't or can't give you what you need. Why keep going back for more pain? I know it seems like going back to him takes away the pain, but really you are just prolonging the inevitable breakup and disappointment.

And you won't meet anyone else while you are trying to win your POA's affection. Even if you met someone who could potentially be a partner, you won't allow it to happen. You'll be so focused on getting your unattainable POA that you won't have the time, energy or inclination to see the potential in other relationships.

Go cold turkey now. Take back control. Regain your pride and put this behind you. Do it for yourself. Know that it will be hard, but you will get better slowly. I'm at 10.5 months of NC. Almost an entire year! In the past I could barely go a weekend without going crazy over not seeing my POA. A day with contact with her was absolute agony. I couldn't stand it. And now here I am at almost a year of NC. Amazing! You too can have a "success" story like this one.

[P.S. - I'm not recovered but I am in recovery. I know any future contact with my POA would trigger me again. My POA is like a drug to me. I didn't like my brain on drugs. Even though it sometimes felt good, it also made me feel desperate, depressed, anxious, insecure most of the time. I was either extremely happy or in deep misery. That's no way to live. NC is my way of remaining drug-free.]

I was able to survive yesterday, thank God, and i am back here today. Thank you all for all your kind words. Its always comforting to know that i am not alone. I have started doing the following:

1. I started reading Robin Norwoods Women who love too much properly (i just brushed through it the first time)

2. I was able to get some AA tapes, so i have started listening to them.

3. I have also restarted the steps again because i realized that i had answered them passively without thinking of what they really meant and how the affected me.


My story.

I am the first child of my parents, the only female. i grew up in a funny home, my dad is a very insecure man, and we grew up with so many vivid memories of him battering my mum (he also had anger issues). From the age of three he was transfered to another town, so we only saw him on weekends. Whenever he came, he would accuse my mum of spoiling us, and beat us silly in order to teach us lessons. If my mum refused to obey anything he said, he would beat her too.

As kids he always taught us to antagonise each other. He kept telling us to strive to be better than the other sibling, even if it meant pushing the person down as you go up (he claims this would help us to compete and be great in life). He also used to beat us for not coming top in the class (even when i was second or third best).

We were not close to him, and always rejoiced when he wasnt around. he is the greatest liar i know, and has a lies to make people see him for what he is not. He claims to be richer than he is, and refers to please outsiders by giving them money, even if his family starves. He refuses to give us money, claiming he is training us to be self sufficient in the future.

I remember in my primary school, i always used to cry because i felt i was odd from others, and actually even made up a song i would sing anytime i felt sad or odd. My parents also had the habit of forgetting to pick me up from school till it was three or four hours later, and one day even forgot me in school.

My mum is the understanding one, gentle, accomodating, and was ready to take what ever my dad did to her. All she would do was pray and pray and pray.

My first rejection was in my second year in high school, when i loved a classmate, and couldnt help my self and wrote a note to him. I do not know why he chose to ridicle me, but he showed the whole class the note, and everyone laughed at me. I cried through out. When i went home, i pretended to be another of my classmates, and called him on phone to find out why he did that to me, and try to convince him that 'i' was really a nice person. He didnt budge anyway.

After that, i changed schools, and my new school wasnt fun in anyway. my parents still refused to give us enough money, so we were known as the poor kids in school. My hair was always rough and i looked dirty, and thus was nicknamed 'dirty girl' I spent all my holidays in school because i was afraid to go home as my dad would be there, and that definitely spelt beating! the only time i went home with my brothers, my brother ended up the ER because my dad had beaten him with electic cables for not being able to draw the nigerian map, and his back peeled and bled!

I was excited to enter colege, because i knew college spelt freedom and distance from my dad! I entered college and it was a whole new expereince. Suddenly i had people telling me i was pretty! (i never ever considered my self that). and guys were all over me, and it was like a paradigm shift. Within my first week, i had gotten into a relationship. and within the next four months i was disvirgined.

My first bf was the nicest man i could think of, but i was always suspicious of him. I would follow him out in the dark to see if he was with another woman, and then investigate him with my friends.

When his mother died, i decided to pretend to be her dead spirit contacting him from the dead through the internet, just to find out if he had been unfaithful to his girlfriend. things went on fine, he was crazy about marrying me, but suddenly, after three years, i suddenly got bored and called it quits with him. He was in shock and begged and begged while i told him i wasnt interested, but decided to string him along till i got someone else.