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Post by lovely1 on Feb 25, 2010 12:21:31 GMT -8
Greetings,
I've been reading here where Susan says that torchbearers can only transfer their feelings. And perhaps we can transfer our feelings to a phantom lover or our higher power.
Lately I've been really, really enjoyinig romance novels and have no contact with the main POA. That relationship caused me to practically lose my mind for 10 years.
Again my question is can relishing romance novels be a form of healthy transference for a torchbearer?
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Post by lovely1 on Feb 25, 2010 13:10:50 GMT -8
Oh, one more thing. As I read the novels. I don't imagine that I am the heroine and I certainly don't want the men. (They are usually 19th century dukes). But I enjoy seeing a romantic situation work out for the two characters--if they have chemistry that is.
I'm married to a man that I love and I know it's only fair to him that I have only him. And after years of POAs, I'm content with that.
However, recently, I was a little worried about my avid interest in romance novels. I haven't really read romance continuously since I was a teenager. When I had a POA, these novels seemed naive, now that I don't have a POA in my life anymore, these books seem like a nice way to spend time that might have been spent writing pages and pages of letters to my POA pouring my heart out only to have him read the email and then not respond.
When I read romance novel and I feel entertained, delighted and satisfied. And I say to myself that that experience was far better than anything I ever experienced with the POA without a doubt.
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Woof
Junior Member
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Post by Woof on Mar 14, 2010 23:08:55 GMT -8
Dear lovely1. For me romance novels fed my addiction. But at the time I thought it was ok to indulge in them. But they were adding gasoline to the fire. I want that feeling of getting high off the lovers and the happy ending. I can avoid my empty feelings by drinking the fantasy escape. Is this the feeling you achieve? Best wishes. N
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Post by Angel on Mar 15, 2010 3:56:36 GMT -8
Dear Nickyg
I find it fascinating that you said you read romance novels. I thought that most readers were women. No offense meant here but my POA also had listed on his interest that he liked 'romance and also war' movies. I thought it was an odd combination but just the fact that he said he liked them seemed strange to me.
I am beginning to see and accept that men have some very deep romantic ideas which are probably not grounded in reality. I can't sleep at the moment and the thought that is tossing in my head is about my POA. What was he trying to achieve? Why bother contacting me again? Why suddenly so hot and cold when I wished him happy birthday? All these questions sseem to jump on me early in the mornings. I shake my head and then usually get on with 'the next right thing' but the thoughts tend to chase me. What romantic story was he trying to play out with me?
I know in time this will dissapate and I won't care so much but at the moment it is bothering me.
How do guys see Romance and how important is it to them?
And lovely1 I read that addiction to romance novels is still serious love addiction. It is up there with internet love addiction - probably cos it fills a need without gettingto the real problem. Avoidance again I guess.
Angel
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Woof
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Post by Woof on Mar 15, 2010 8:09:30 GMT -8
angel, hi. No offence taken. I have a vivid imagination. So I am able to place myself into the hero roll and my POA int the heroine (wow, heroin! No wonder they call them that). The first time I noticed this was the novel Lonesome Dove. I could slip into each of the male characters. And my POA at the time became the 'good prostitute' Lorena. When I met up with my POA later, it was as if we lived a whole adventure together because I projected that heroin on to her. More recently I did this with the novel: The Time Travelers Wife. I saw my POA as the little girl who was looking for her man to come back to her. The book had so many similarities with me seeing her every two or three weeks. The novel gave me this psuedo assurance that my lover would wait for me. I almost forgot this very important trait that has to do with lose ego boundries, and that is being able to blend and merge with the characters. I first heard this from a woman giving a talk about her recovery. She tried to live out a female character in the novel: The Carpet Baggers.
As for your birthday man. There are a dozen reasons he is recontacting you. But are you really just picking petals and playing 'He loves me, He loves me not?" What is the burning question that you keep asking? Did I make the right choice? Is he really the one? The question and not necessarily the answer will te
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Woof
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by Woof on Mar 15, 2010 8:14:52 GMT -8
Continued.... The question you are asking is probably more important than the answer. Are you ok right now or needing something outside yourself to make you feel whole and loved? My best n
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Post by Angel on Mar 16, 2010 4:43:59 GMT -8
Dear Woof,
This whole question of romance and men is a pretty major one for me. I am determined to recover but I see patterns in me and my POA that give me hints/clues about what I need to clean up. My sponsor is very good and keeps me being gentle with myself. I watch what others have done in successful recovery and emulate them: i.e. cleaning up my mess and getting my finances in order. But all this takes TIME and I need to be patient. In the meantime I often do quick checks on what is happening outside me to get a good idea of what might need adjusting inside me. For example as a Romance addict I tend to attract other romance addicts.
A LOT of my POA wanted to save me. If they couldn't save me I felt that they wanted to put me in a glass box and then just look at me intermittently. It is a strange thing and I haven't read anything about it but it is like they got some sort of security knowing I was "there' in a box. Anytime I tried to change 'me' would end up in them acting out. It first started with my first bf who had a 'Nancy Spungeon and Sid Vicious' romantic idea of who we were. He made me swear to kill myself if anything happened to him! He also threatened me with the idea that if anything was to 'happen' then he insisted I die first cos I would miss him so much!
Sick huh! Underneath was his fear of being abandoned. I now realise it with my other POA that there were issues there as well. Under it all was the fear of being abandoned or they were acting out some incident where their mother abandoned them and they wanted some revenge or some control.
Iagree with you it is probably a game of 'does he love me does he not?" but seriously the higher thinking part of me knows that with NONE of these guys did I ever experience true love and acceptance. I know that and the thought makes me sad and so I tend to cling to the illusion if that makes sense. I guess in order to validate myself. Now of course I know that I dont' need them to validate myself and that when I notice this sort of behaviour I need to think about what is it in my behaviour that is attracting this type.
For instance last night I noticed that my boss appears to have a bit of a crush on me. I don't think he will do anything about it but when I was in BJ before I left he brought his son and I played with him. The little boy was only six but he was obviously smitten and also smitten with photos of my daughters. That was ok, he was obviously enjoying the attention from an adult who was able to give him some in a way that he had never had. It wasn't much, he sat on my knee and we pretended to ride a horse or a motorbike (my bosses son, NOT my boss that is LOL)! That isn't done by the locals, they think that nagging the child is a sign of care!
Later my boss asked his son if I was pretty to which he replied in the affirmative. My boss also said that one day some guy was gonna be a really lucky guy! I didn't feel too uncomfortable but tonight my boss said something online and asked me how much of an impact I had on the people here. He was full of compliments!
I sat and thought about it a while and realised that once again I m back in the same situation. Appearing as if I need help and looking for a Sir Galahad to come and rescue me. Although this is fairlly natural in some men, I need to realise that I have a PATTERN for this sort of relationship and I need to tread very carefullly. My boss has been extremely kind to me and understanding. He is respected and I don't think he will act out in this but I need to make sure that I am not tapping into old behaviours of using my situation and helplessness to manipulate others to get what I want.
The Local men where I am living are as confused about healthy role models. The question here is about romance novels but I see romance movies as just as addictive. The whole concept of 'romance' is unrealistic and I think that we get addicted to it fairly easily if we are seeking a way to medicate ourselves from the pain in our lives. Maybe that is a good thing maybe a bad thing. I mean if we didn't do this sort of behaviour where would all the literature be? I mean it would be limiited to instruction manuals now wouldn't it ? LOL
It would be interesting to expand this thread to look at how we use romance to cover the pain.
Angel
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Post by geedee on Mar 16, 2010 8:18:46 GMT -8
This is a link to an article warning about soap opera addiction. I see so many people addicted to soaps and their lives revolve around them. Think this is an extremely common manifestation of addiction to romance. Especially amongst housewives I know. www.associatedcontent.com/article/162833/the_7_warning_signals_of_soap_opera.htmlI kicked that 'bad habit' many years ago but didn't realise it was an addiction G |
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Post by lovely1 on Mar 17, 2010 12:15:34 GMT -8
Thank you all for responding to my post.
I realized that I may not be addicted to romance novels after all. I recently read several Mary Balogh romance novels, LOVED them. Then went to the library and borrowed several more. But I didn't read any of the new ones because they just were basically a repeat of the first few I'd read. It was a formula.
Around the same time I borrowed an Erica Jong book which was about relationship angst and a few career books and I liked them better than the last Mary Balogh romances that I tried to read. So I guess I got my fill of her work and historical romances. LOL. Or perhaps I can indulge in romances first if they are good--I can't read them otherwise and second if it's in moderation, and that's the goal for someone like me with this addiction.
gabriela, thank you so much for posting the link to the article about soap opera addiction. I record several soaps, but don't watch every day. Speaking as a soap fan, I have to say that I disagreed with some parts of the article. Suppose someone saved up all of their money to go on a wonderful vacation to Europe because that was their dream. Everyone would say that's great! But when someone saves up their money to go to a soap opera convention, then that's somehow not good. I don't agree with that at all. Suppose it was a coin collecting convention. Again that would be okay. Or a romance writing convention. Or a pet lovers convention. I think if you really don't know that the soap opera is just a story, then you're in trouble, but if the person is aware that it's all acting, then I don't see what's wrong with loving a soap.
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Post by lovely1 on Mar 17, 2010 12:26:57 GMT -8
Oh, one more thing. Reading books--good non romance literary works--was one of the connecting threads that held together the relationship with myself and the main POA I was involved with.
We would trade books and then discuss them. You know those commericials where they say that some people have to re-learn how to drink coffee, drive a car etc without smoking. Well I had HAD to re-learn how to read without my POA. We had read together for years and years and would report back to each other about passages in books that we found moving, deep, thought provoking etc.
When I discovered Charles Bukowski's Factotum and Zoe Heller's The Believers a few years ago, I had to practically gnaw my hand off to keep from emailing him all of the wonderful passages from those books! But I did it. My POA has NO idea what I'm reading now--or even whether or not I'm alive. I'm on my way to recovery.
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