I've not been LA constantly throughout my life. But twice in fifteen years has opened my eyes to the fact that if the addiction is allowed to kick in I become POWERLESS.
Takes me a very long time and several efforts to 'walk away'.
When I'm not in addict mode I have NO problem resisting temptation. Actually there is NO temptation for me. It's not physical attraction that triggers me but a deep mental connection and that doesn't happen overnight. And I have to look for that contact and be exposed to it for a while...except with current POA, that was almost instantaneous
Am similar G, am rarely triggered. But when I was it was so overwhelming and overpowering.
If someone writes that people can always walk away (haven't re-read the posts so don't know the context) I'd assume that they didn't understand active love addiction. In recovery yes, it's possible to walk away. In active addiction the power of choice has been lost. I wouldn't feel much about it if someone said it to me. Most people don't understand love addiction, even other addicts. I have a dear friend who is disgusted by the idea of me going to slaa meetings. She thinks it's full of men in old macks and people sleazing about looking for partners. I have told her that mostly I'm in churches talking about god and usually men look at the floor if a woman accidentally catches their eye. But she just thinks it's revolting and she keeps asking "haven't you got over all of that yet?" Haha! I wish! Not everyone gets it. Not my problem. P.
Only the ego can struggle, the soul lives in ease and joy.
Oh yes Prim, same for me. The few people that know about my EMA (mainly in expat community my h doesn't have very much to do with) there are mixed reactions
'Why don't you just put this behind you?'
'Just forget POA and look for someone else so that you can put up with your marriage'
'You're doing the right thing. Recovery is the way.'
'Wake up! it was just an affair!!!'
I know why I'm here and working the steps. I know why I'm staying close to the board. I knew nothing about LA 6 mths ago. I had no idea I was LA. But now I know I am and I can see how dangerous, cunning and baffling this disease is.
(BTW I have never smoked in my life, I rarely drink and only in moderation, I get obsessed with hobbies or interests that grab me and won't let go. But that's about it)
Deep down think I was always aware of how addicted to things and people I could get...Now I can see how it could get progressively worse if I don't keep my eye on it. My brain and body have been sensitized to the chemicals and I cant afford to let my guard down ever again.
Ive always been addicted to attention and didnt realize it. Then thought it was just men (mostly it is) but even more than that. Attention, validation, praise, it's all encompassing in my addiction and I have realized that I have been so selfish because it was all about me when many times I believed it was for THEM. Or that I made it about them but in the end, it was all about feeding my addiction. G, watching myself and looking at reasons for doing things at all times. Checking myself constantly and my motives. Stuck here on step 4 for awhile.
The root of my addictions in LA is my early chilhood. A feeling of sadness and emptiness. My CODA meetings say this each time:"Our histories may include other powerful addictions, which at times we have used to cope with our codependency." I am actually greatful to hear this each time it is stated. It is a repeating Aha moment for me. My LA behaviour was the way my adult self coped with my inner childs sadness. It was the way to alleviate pain in the present. Because of this I find it works that I attend both LAA meetings and Codependents annon meetings. Each deals with different aspects. I find so many others that are doing a dual recovery. Our addict is a cunning and baffling thing. My CODA program helps me walk away before I get triggered. Sometimes this is merely the difference between setting boundries and honoring them. I once hiked to Half Dome in Yosemite. 2/3 up the long day hike I came to a beautiful pond. The granite seemed polished and the water was crystal clear. It was one of the most seductive things I never did. Because of a sign: IF YOU CROSS THIS LINE YOU WILL DIE (over 100 persons had)! It was the pond before or on top of the waterfall. woof
Great story woof. I find working a money programme alongside my recovery from S&LA really helps with my boudaries. I worked with my father and became his emotional mistress at 12. So work\money\love\abuse\identity\intellect, it's all bound up for me in that happening at 12. And my POA was a client. My best client who I did wonderful work for. So I need that dual protection and focus of two programmes as work is such a trigger for me. P.
Only the ego can struggle, the soul lives in ease and joy.
Post by lessthanicanbe on Oct 10, 2010 15:13:40 GMT -8
Rilly, thank you so much for starting this thread. There isn't a lot of traffic about affairs on this site. They are dangerous, and so very damaging to those involved. I did trust my POA, and he was absolutely charming, and convincing of his feelings for me. HE maintained he had feelings for me long ago when first met......all of the sudden my life choices seemed so wrong for me, and HE was right for me. Years of a committed marriage, children, and a life built with someone else was not enough to make my feelings for him to go away. I was so addicted to HIM....he was intertwined with everything.....every thought surrounded him, and one moment I would be surfing an incredible high, and then, when I would tell him I could not be part of our insanity anymore....I would come crashing down hard. Each time I crashed, I lost another piece of me. I had never felt emotion like that before, and I admit to liking the feeling of being alive. I was sure he was trustworthy, and was going to eventually want our relationship to proceed further than an affair. I was wrong, and didn't consider the consequences of losing my marriage, possibly children....my world. I was always thinking about him, and protecting him. I am not a martyr by any stretch of the imagination....we were both cheaters, and liars. I don't think the why he or I cheated mattered.....the fact is, we both knew it was wrong. We took marriage vows to others, and then professed our love to one another. Sick, and really warped thinking, huh? I know, I lived it.
As far as "walking away"......wow, I still struggle with this every day. I could not have just walked away from it easily. I am not sure how he did it, but he was obviously way stronger than I was at the time. My last ditch effort to get him to come back to me.....I got a tattoo of his initial on my back, and drove 2 hours in the middle of the night to his work to show it to him.
Now, I am trying to be a better person, and a better wife. I strive to make better choices, and don't spend my time looking for what I need to validate myself in another person. I am working on how to find validation in the life I have chosen for myself, and in self-improvement.
HE said to me numerous times that HE & I=DESTRUCTION....why didn't I listen?? HE warned me.....I chose to see something else. Perhaps I need new glasses. Hmmmm.
Last Edit: Nov 5, 2010 15:11:21 GMT -8 by lessthanicanbe
Post by sunnybird100 on Oct 20, 2010 14:41:34 GMT -8
I trusted my POA until when I needed him to defend me from a personal attack by a mutual friend, he turned away. "Not my problem." I panicked. How could he after all I've done for him? Did he love her better as a friend? Or was it deeper? Was she more his type. The hurt almost destroyed me. I'm now maintaining NC with my POA. I'm trying to stay focused on my marriage, but it's so hard. I need some excitement. Or do I crave chaos? Either way, I will stop . . . I will . . . I will . . . I will !
Post by floatingboat on Nov 11, 2011 7:48:02 GMT -8
My PoA told his wife about the affair and then moved out of the house. I still don't get it. Why did he do this? If he wanted to save his marriage, why did he move out? If he wanted to end his marriage to be with me, why did he create such a barrier (his wife knows then their children know) to me having future relationship with his children? If he just wanted to end his marriage, it has been almost a year but they have not been able to agree on legal separation yet. What was in his mind? He said he just wanted to be honest. But the only one benefiting from it is him- him feeling better about himself. All the others have been suffering - his wife, their children, and me. His wife even went to the workplace and told his secretary about this. I could not believe everything when he told me it. Oh, and he said his wife had not contacted me because she just saw me a prostitute. It hurts so badly. But why is he still telling me that he loves me? Why do I believe him? I am so confused.
floating boat - it's not about you for him. It's about him and his family. They're going through a huge trauma together. You think his wife, with whom he has children and vows, is going to respect or be nice to you? Do you think his children will want to be friendly? I hate to sound harsh but as a family unit they're really having a hard time. And they're still a family. He made vows to death till he parts with this woman. Even if they do divorce, it's a long, lengthy process and his original commitment was to her, not you.
Now is the time to focus on you and your life. Where is your support system? Who are you seeking help from?
Last Edit: Nov 11, 2011 9:46:18 GMT -8 by happyberry
Rilly, as far as I know, most individuals who date married men or women cannot be trusted, period. Neither can the married individual who cheats on his or her spouse due to the very nature of "affair". Both are living lies. What more do you need to know beyond that?