Post by torchiere on Mar 30, 2010 21:36:45 GMT -8
Sometimes I feel I'm addicted not to the actual men who've come into my life, but to attention. In my home, growing up, I was an invisible kid. Everybody was self-absorbed and dramatic and loud and they sucked up all the focus. There was none left over for me.
All my life I have chased after men, begging them for attention and watching them run for the hills, but in a couple of rare cases men have expressed interest in me. In all those cases, I latched onto that attention with all my might and consumed it like a crack addict. I've learned that the attention was coming from a bad source: It was the bait they used to lure me into being manipulated, used and then discarded.
Yesterday a guy I've known for a few years sent me a note on Facebook and asked me out on a date. He's a musician who always has a gorgeous blond model girlfriend by his side, and who always somehow manages to have several groupies hanging around him giving him money, favors and sex. Contrary to everything I used to do, I said no. I politely turned him down and did NOT leave any doubt as to whether I would change my mind in the future. (I know all too well how damaging those "rain checks" can be.)
Before I had any awareness of my addiction, I would have said yes to him. I would have felt so flattered to be asked out by a successful musician who always surrounds himself with beautiful women, that I would have jumped at the chance to be one of his many conquests.
It was not easy to say no to him, but afterward I felt SO POWERFUL! I've never said no to any guy who has ever expressed interest in me. Usually I'm so grateful for the attention I fall all over myself doing things to "earn" more of it. I haven't been asked out on a date in over 3 years, and in the past I would have been so starved for attention that I wouldn't have even considered saying no. I would have also heard my Mom and my sister's voices in my head saying "Don't EVER pass up an opportunity to fall in LOVVVE!!!"
This time I finally had the 20/20 foresight I have always wished for. I clearly saw that this guy would take me out once or twice, manipulate me, and then use and discard me. Then I pictured myself being devastated and unable to recover for months after he shifted his attention to his next conquest.
No is such a powerful thing. Saying no is providing much healthier, happier rush than attention ever did.
All my life I have chased after men, begging them for attention and watching them run for the hills, but in a couple of rare cases men have expressed interest in me. In all those cases, I latched onto that attention with all my might and consumed it like a crack addict. I've learned that the attention was coming from a bad source: It was the bait they used to lure me into being manipulated, used and then discarded.
Yesterday a guy I've known for a few years sent me a note on Facebook and asked me out on a date. He's a musician who always has a gorgeous blond model girlfriend by his side, and who always somehow manages to have several groupies hanging around him giving him money, favors and sex. Contrary to everything I used to do, I said no. I politely turned him down and did NOT leave any doubt as to whether I would change my mind in the future. (I know all too well how damaging those "rain checks" can be.)
Before I had any awareness of my addiction, I would have said yes to him. I would have felt so flattered to be asked out by a successful musician who always surrounds himself with beautiful women, that I would have jumped at the chance to be one of his many conquests.
It was not easy to say no to him, but afterward I felt SO POWERFUL! I've never said no to any guy who has ever expressed interest in me. Usually I'm so grateful for the attention I fall all over myself doing things to "earn" more of it. I haven't been asked out on a date in over 3 years, and in the past I would have been so starved for attention that I wouldn't have even considered saying no. I would have also heard my Mom and my sister's voices in my head saying "Don't EVER pass up an opportunity to fall in LOVVVE!!!"
This time I finally had the 20/20 foresight I have always wished for. I clearly saw that this guy would take me out once or twice, manipulate me, and then use and discard me. Then I pictured myself being devastated and unable to recover for months after he shifted his attention to his next conquest.
No is such a powerful thing. Saying no is providing much healthier, happier rush than attention ever did.
It's a wonderful thing to hold onto your power and not feel needy of some shallow form of attention which is actually only going to hurt. 