Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2010 15:18:58 GMT -8
While reading the Self-Esteem topic on the LAA homepage affiliated with this board, I reached some truths about myself. I don't know if this fits into a step of recovery, and I haven't started on a program yet, but I found these things to be fairly relevant and I thought I might share.
This may not be the whole answer, but I think I have to look back to my childhood. Looking back far, as far as I can remember, back to the days of Kindergarten and even pre-school (yes, I can remember some of those days), I remember always being a little quiet, reserved, and shy. And always very thoughtful, I would say. Actually, I mean that in two ways: not only was I always sort of pensive (some would say I always had my head in the clouds, even as a kid), but I think I was very caring and considerate. And maybe that’s where the problem stems from.
My parents never did anything intentionally to give me poor self-esteem. They never abused me, yelled at me. I can remember being spanked or hit on one or two very rare occasions, but it doesn’t feel like that left a permanent impression. My parents loved me a lot, and they used to do everything for me (that might have been an issue, but not until I was older). But looking back, I can recall that my parents taught me to always be nice to people. That was one of the most important, most basic lessons they ever taught me. I mean, every kid learns that, obviously, but I feel like some parents drill it in harder than others. And my parents really drilled it. You were always nice to other people, no matter what. You should always share. You should always think about other people. You should never be greedy, or selfish. These things were hammered into the very core of who I was. And I thank them immensely for working so hard to teach me these things and for making me who I am.
The problem is, they always taught me to put other people first, but that meant I had to make myself second. I think the balance between being kind to others and being good to yourself is always a really hard one to strike. Unfortunately, I had too many lessons on being nice to other people, and not enough about being good to myself. I never had a good understanding of what I deserved in life. I never learned how to defend myself, and I never learned how to stand up and protect what belonged to me. I was taught to give, so I would always give, and give, and give. But I never learned to stop giving. I never learned how to keep, or how to take from others.
As a result of the lessons they instilled in me, I developed poor self-esteem. As I said, I would always put everyone else first, and I think this created a feeling deep down that I’m not as good as everyone else. Intellectually, I’ve reached a point where I understand that I’m just as good as other people, and I understand that I have a lot to feel proud about in my life. But still, self-esteem and self-confidence don’t come naturally to me. Understanding something intellectually, and then actually changing your spirit, are two very different things.
It didn’t help that my parents never really had great self-esteem themselves. I’m not sure why they don’t, but I’ve learned about it as I’ve gotten older. We are not a family of people who think they are better than anyone else. We are not people of pride. We are caring and supportive, sure, but we do not strive to do enough for ourselves; we lack ambition.
I think I should also mention, my parents helped to make me shy when I was younger. As a kid, I really, really loved to watch TV. And later, I loved video games. I also loved to read, which my parents would do with me a lot as a kid. Other kids would be outside playing basketball or something, and it didn’t interest me as much. I didn’t care for it much as a child. For that reason, I think I sometimes had trouble fitting in with other kids, especially around my neighborhood. I did not always make friends easily.
A big part of it, also, was my mother used to worry about me with strangers a lot. Something got her scared (and rightfully so) of me being kidnapped or something. She knew that I was a daydreamer, and that I often had my head in the clouds, and while I was imagining something or daydreaming about something, I didn’t always pay attention to the real world. As a result, I would sometimes get lost or wander off in public places, like the mall. She worried someone could just come along and take me while I wasn’t paying attention. Therefore, she really hammered in the message that I should not talk to strangers or trust them with anything. And that was rational, but I think I really took it to heart and it caused me to be a little shy and a little more reserved about talking to strangers, even when I was old enough and smart enough to protect myself.
My awkwardness in social situations comes from my dad. For whatever reason, I’ve never really been great at interacting with people. I’m very comfortable with my very close friends, but it takes me time to get to that point with people. My dad is actually worse than I am, I think. He just doesn’t always seem to know what to do with other people. He usually drinks a little bit at parties and stuff just because they make him uncomfortable. I’ll never forget, one time when I was younger, I was out playing with some neighborhood kids and they weren’t being nice to me. They were picking on me and throwing a basketball at me, so I ran home crying. My dad didn’t know what to do, and he got overly angry at people picking on me, so he went out and took the basketball, and he threw it at the kids. Of course, the kids ran to tell their dads, and one of them came to my house and got in a huge argument with my dad. It was really poorly handled, and it just shows that he doesn’t usually know how to interact with others. He makes some really naive choices, too. I think I’ve got a little of that in me, but fortunately, I think I’m at least a little more comfortable with awkward situations than he is. I think I’ve managed to adjust my own behavior over the years, in that regard.
I must also say that I tend to be dependent on others, even though socially I can be shy and withdrawn at times. As I got older, my parents never forced me to do a lot for myself. I realized that money was always available to me, as long as I didn’t waste it or ask them for too much. They never really made me hold a steady job, until the end of high school. My mom would try to punish me if I was bad, or if I got bad grades or something, but she would always forget about it after a day or two. Say she took away video games for a week, she would catch me playing them the next day and she would say, “Hey, you’re not supposed to be playing those, turn it off”, but then she would leave me alone. Punishments always went like that in my family. My parents were all talk, no action. I was never forced to do the dishes, my own laundry, or to clean my room. My mom would usually do just about all of that. But as such, I think it’s become more difficult for me to do things on my own, or for myself.
College was hard in that regard, because suddenly I had to be responsible for myself. I had to learn to take care of myself in all ways, and I graduated, but I didn’t do great in school. I gained weight, I always had a stack of dirty laundry, which was pretty typical for a guy in college, I guess. But yeah, overall, growing up was not easy, partly because of my co-dependence. However, I think I’ve come a long way in those regards, although some elements still remain. And doing things for my own benefit, for my own health, or for my own feeling of self-worth, is still alien.
But enough of blaming things on my parents. I’m in my mid-20’s now, old enough to start a family of my own (although I don’t see that happening anytime soon!). They were responsible for me when I was a child, and they made a few mistakes, but overall I think they did an excellent job. I’m not a child anymore. I’m a man. And as a man, my life is my responsibility. As such, it is my job to change negative beliefs I have about myself. I need to be in charge and in control of myself, of the way I think, and of the path my life follows. The decisions are mine to make now, so I need to man up.
This is me declaring that I will commit to undoing mistaken beliefs from the past.
This is me committing to get to the bottom of my negativity, my low self-esteem, my feelings of ineptitude, and then get everything turned around. This is me deciding that I will do anything it takes to start doing things for myself, to start living for myself, and to start loving myself. Because as I learn more and more to love myself, I will be able to open up my heart to giving and receiving love. Also, and this is important for me, I learn how to keep something for myself, in my relationships. I will not give everything that I have to others, I will not allow selfish and ungrateful people to take advantage of me, and I will know that no matter what happens in the world around me, I will always have wholesome love for myself. No matter how bad things get, no matter how badly others hurt me or disappoint me, I will be able to soldier on with my spirit and my love, because I am a good person. And I do deserve the best that the world has to offer. It is only after I have given myself the life that I deserve that I can help others attain the life of their dreams.
Alright, if you made it this far, thanks for reading, and wish me luck turning things around.
This may not be the whole answer, but I think I have to look back to my childhood. Looking back far, as far as I can remember, back to the days of Kindergarten and even pre-school (yes, I can remember some of those days), I remember always being a little quiet, reserved, and shy. And always very thoughtful, I would say. Actually, I mean that in two ways: not only was I always sort of pensive (some would say I always had my head in the clouds, even as a kid), but I think I was very caring and considerate. And maybe that’s where the problem stems from.
My parents never did anything intentionally to give me poor self-esteem. They never abused me, yelled at me. I can remember being spanked or hit on one or two very rare occasions, but it doesn’t feel like that left a permanent impression. My parents loved me a lot, and they used to do everything for me (that might have been an issue, but not until I was older). But looking back, I can recall that my parents taught me to always be nice to people. That was one of the most important, most basic lessons they ever taught me. I mean, every kid learns that, obviously, but I feel like some parents drill it in harder than others. And my parents really drilled it. You were always nice to other people, no matter what. You should always share. You should always think about other people. You should never be greedy, or selfish. These things were hammered into the very core of who I was. And I thank them immensely for working so hard to teach me these things and for making me who I am.
The problem is, they always taught me to put other people first, but that meant I had to make myself second. I think the balance between being kind to others and being good to yourself is always a really hard one to strike. Unfortunately, I had too many lessons on being nice to other people, and not enough about being good to myself. I never had a good understanding of what I deserved in life. I never learned how to defend myself, and I never learned how to stand up and protect what belonged to me. I was taught to give, so I would always give, and give, and give. But I never learned to stop giving. I never learned how to keep, or how to take from others.
As a result of the lessons they instilled in me, I developed poor self-esteem. As I said, I would always put everyone else first, and I think this created a feeling deep down that I’m not as good as everyone else. Intellectually, I’ve reached a point where I understand that I’m just as good as other people, and I understand that I have a lot to feel proud about in my life. But still, self-esteem and self-confidence don’t come naturally to me. Understanding something intellectually, and then actually changing your spirit, are two very different things.
It didn’t help that my parents never really had great self-esteem themselves. I’m not sure why they don’t, but I’ve learned about it as I’ve gotten older. We are not a family of people who think they are better than anyone else. We are not people of pride. We are caring and supportive, sure, but we do not strive to do enough for ourselves; we lack ambition.
I think I should also mention, my parents helped to make me shy when I was younger. As a kid, I really, really loved to watch TV. And later, I loved video games. I also loved to read, which my parents would do with me a lot as a kid. Other kids would be outside playing basketball or something, and it didn’t interest me as much. I didn’t care for it much as a child. For that reason, I think I sometimes had trouble fitting in with other kids, especially around my neighborhood. I did not always make friends easily.
A big part of it, also, was my mother used to worry about me with strangers a lot. Something got her scared (and rightfully so) of me being kidnapped or something. She knew that I was a daydreamer, and that I often had my head in the clouds, and while I was imagining something or daydreaming about something, I didn’t always pay attention to the real world. As a result, I would sometimes get lost or wander off in public places, like the mall. She worried someone could just come along and take me while I wasn’t paying attention. Therefore, she really hammered in the message that I should not talk to strangers or trust them with anything. And that was rational, but I think I really took it to heart and it caused me to be a little shy and a little more reserved about talking to strangers, even when I was old enough and smart enough to protect myself.
My awkwardness in social situations comes from my dad. For whatever reason, I’ve never really been great at interacting with people. I’m very comfortable with my very close friends, but it takes me time to get to that point with people. My dad is actually worse than I am, I think. He just doesn’t always seem to know what to do with other people. He usually drinks a little bit at parties and stuff just because they make him uncomfortable. I’ll never forget, one time when I was younger, I was out playing with some neighborhood kids and they weren’t being nice to me. They were picking on me and throwing a basketball at me, so I ran home crying. My dad didn’t know what to do, and he got overly angry at people picking on me, so he went out and took the basketball, and he threw it at the kids. Of course, the kids ran to tell their dads, and one of them came to my house and got in a huge argument with my dad. It was really poorly handled, and it just shows that he doesn’t usually know how to interact with others. He makes some really naive choices, too. I think I’ve got a little of that in me, but fortunately, I think I’m at least a little more comfortable with awkward situations than he is. I think I’ve managed to adjust my own behavior over the years, in that regard.
I must also say that I tend to be dependent on others, even though socially I can be shy and withdrawn at times. As I got older, my parents never forced me to do a lot for myself. I realized that money was always available to me, as long as I didn’t waste it or ask them for too much. They never really made me hold a steady job, until the end of high school. My mom would try to punish me if I was bad, or if I got bad grades or something, but she would always forget about it after a day or two. Say she took away video games for a week, she would catch me playing them the next day and she would say, “Hey, you’re not supposed to be playing those, turn it off”, but then she would leave me alone. Punishments always went like that in my family. My parents were all talk, no action. I was never forced to do the dishes, my own laundry, or to clean my room. My mom would usually do just about all of that. But as such, I think it’s become more difficult for me to do things on my own, or for myself.
College was hard in that regard, because suddenly I had to be responsible for myself. I had to learn to take care of myself in all ways, and I graduated, but I didn’t do great in school. I gained weight, I always had a stack of dirty laundry, which was pretty typical for a guy in college, I guess. But yeah, overall, growing up was not easy, partly because of my co-dependence. However, I think I’ve come a long way in those regards, although some elements still remain. And doing things for my own benefit, for my own health, or for my own feeling of self-worth, is still alien.
But enough of blaming things on my parents. I’m in my mid-20’s now, old enough to start a family of my own (although I don’t see that happening anytime soon!). They were responsible for me when I was a child, and they made a few mistakes, but overall I think they did an excellent job. I’m not a child anymore. I’m a man. And as a man, my life is my responsibility. As such, it is my job to change negative beliefs I have about myself. I need to be in charge and in control of myself, of the way I think, and of the path my life follows. The decisions are mine to make now, so I need to man up.
This is me declaring that I will commit to undoing mistaken beliefs from the past.
This is me committing to get to the bottom of my negativity, my low self-esteem, my feelings of ineptitude, and then get everything turned around. This is me deciding that I will do anything it takes to start doing things for myself, to start living for myself, and to start loving myself. Because as I learn more and more to love myself, I will be able to open up my heart to giving and receiving love. Also, and this is important for me, I learn how to keep something for myself, in my relationships. I will not give everything that I have to others, I will not allow selfish and ungrateful people to take advantage of me, and I will know that no matter what happens in the world around me, I will always have wholesome love for myself. No matter how bad things get, no matter how badly others hurt me or disappoint me, I will be able to soldier on with my spirit and my love, because I am a good person. And I do deserve the best that the world has to offer. It is only after I have given myself the life that I deserve that I can help others attain the life of their dreams.
Alright, if you made it this far, thanks for reading, and wish me luck turning things around.
