Inner bargaining child

Rick, I'm the same regarding jealousy. It's perhaps the driving force behind my LA.

I fell out of love with my h 3 years ago when I saw he was infatuated with another woman. I reacted by becoming more like her. More of a show off regarding clothes and more provocative when h and I went out clubbing together.

That expolsion of jealousy almost killed my love for him as I suddenly realised I was not his one and only. My inner child has to be top of the class and if she can't be she becomes resentful and angry towards those she perceives as a threat.

As a child I had a babysitter who was elderly and childless and she singled me out from my 4 siblings. She wanted to adopt me and i realised today that I probably wanted that too. i would have been her only child and I would have been extra special instead of one of many.


I lack respect for my eldest sister because she conformed to my parents' wishes, she was overweight and didn't look after herself, hopeless at school except at art. I adored my only brother, smart, intelligent, tough guy with a sensitive streak to him, a rebel up until year before he died. I envied my sister who is closest in age. I excelled at school but she was much slimmer prettier and more popular with the boys. My youngest sister arrived unexpectedly after six years and almost stole my birthday but definitely stole my place as the baby in the family.


I suddenly became the anonymous 4th of 5 children to workaholic parents and had to strive from that day on to get attention. I was teased and taunted by my older siblings cos I was a bookworm and a people pleaser.

I actually felt I was a fraud from a very early age but I could only pretend to be somebody I wasn't when I was outside the home.

I was a stroppy door slammer at home but a gentle well-spoken good little girl outside the home who did exceptionally well at school.

My parents didnt have time to come to prize givings cos they had a shop. Making me cry now. up on stage getting academic prizes year after year and my eldest sister being delegated to attend by my parents.

That's my inner child. the one that still cries when she sings ths song 'Nobody's child'. The same song the old lady used to put on her record player and sing to me as I sat in her lap. Yep. think that's my triangle. a woman who desperately wanted a child of her own and my mother who would never have let me go.

i can remember feeling a sense of relief when mum said no. Think we moved away shortly afterwards. I dont even know if all this really happened... but my inner child seems to think it did.

She is so needy and so wants to be the centre of attention. feels unloved and neglected. Nobody sees how smart she is at home and she's constantly put in her place.

I'll need to tell her I do love her and that she is very special to me. Because she feels very threatened by anybody that might be considered better than her.

4th step stuff I suppose.