Post by moonlight on Apr 25, 2010 14:03:18 GMT -8
Hi
As some of you might already know, I still miss the children of my POA vividly. I think it's getting to a point where it becomes a bit addictive. They have their own website, which their mother designs and keeps putting new pictures and stories up on. I check it regularly, I think 3 times a week. When there are new pics, I feel happy and sad at the same time. It breaks my heart to see them growing and not being able to see them anymore. I wonder if they felt hurt by me (because I disappeared out of their lives suddenly, due to their father's sudden restriction to seeing them). I never said goodbye, than, I wouldn't know how to do that anyway if I had the chance.
It's hard.
I've written them a poem that I say, every time I think of them. It is directed to Damara (a female motherly goddess) and asks that she takes care of them and be with them in their hearts always.
I think it becomes more addictive because before I worried a lot about their feelings about it all; whereas lately, I feel my own sadness and loss more (so it's more about me).
Anyway, are there other people with a similar addiction?
Now I'm writing this I'm thinking, it might be my motherly intuition kicking in. I know from stories that mothers tend to feel "in love" with their babies. I might have had that feeling with the children. I just loved them so much and without any reservation. Very unconditionally. Which wouldn't be a problem if they were my children, it would be a blessing than. I thought I was going to be their stepmother, I didn't see/feel any alternative to letting them in completely. Now it feels unnatural to let them go. I feel responsible for them. Which is weird, because they have a mother and a father. I just feel like a guardian (but without any kind of legal entitlement). I don't feel jealous of their mother, I just feel like a third party of caretaking, like a grandmother or something.. bit too young for that!
I've been wondering lately if I should sign up for fostercaring.
Anyway, feedback is more than welcome.
Love, Moonlight
As some of you might already know, I still miss the children of my POA vividly. I think it's getting to a point where it becomes a bit addictive. They have their own website, which their mother designs and keeps putting new pictures and stories up on. I check it regularly, I think 3 times a week. When there are new pics, I feel happy and sad at the same time. It breaks my heart to see them growing and not being able to see them anymore. I wonder if they felt hurt by me (because I disappeared out of their lives suddenly, due to their father's sudden restriction to seeing them). I never said goodbye, than, I wouldn't know how to do that anyway if I had the chance.
It's hard.
I've written them a poem that I say, every time I think of them. It is directed to Damara (a female motherly goddess) and asks that she takes care of them and be with them in their hearts always.
I think it becomes more addictive because before I worried a lot about their feelings about it all; whereas lately, I feel my own sadness and loss more (so it's more about me).
Anyway, are there other people with a similar addiction?
Now I'm writing this I'm thinking, it might be my motherly intuition kicking in. I know from stories that mothers tend to feel "in love" with their babies. I might have had that feeling with the children. I just loved them so much and without any reservation. Very unconditionally. Which wouldn't be a problem if they were my children, it would be a blessing than. I thought I was going to be their stepmother, I didn't see/feel any alternative to letting them in completely. Now it feels unnatural to let them go. I feel responsible for them. Which is weird, because they have a mother and a father. I just feel like a guardian (but without any kind of legal entitlement). I don't feel jealous of their mother, I just feel like a third party of caretaking, like a grandmother or something.. bit too young for that!
I've been wondering lately if I should sign up for fostercaring.
Anyway, feedback is more than welcome.
Love, Moonlight