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Post by Light on May 4, 2010 11:19:24 GMT -8
When I have my period I get angry with my husband.
There's a moment I literally explode blaming him for not doing this or that. He can't bear it anymore.
This time in the moment of anger I also said I had sex with my poa once.
It was about a months I was trying to tell him this but everytime I started to talk I sensed and he showed me he didn't want to know. But I felt I had to tell him.
This time he said he wants me to stay alone for a time. He moved to another apartment. This happened two days ago.
Normally when he says something like this I beg him to stay and normally he stays.
But this time I didn't beg, I didn'cry, I didn't pray. I said ok.
Maybe he is right. In 17 years we are together this happen almost every month. I lose control.
Yesterday I was in pain and in fear, I felt abandoned but I didn't call him or text him.
This morning he told me on the phone that he wants me to be alone for a while so I can understand he is not the origin of all my problems and I don't have to blame him.
Then he texted me he loves me. This gave me hope and strenght.
I don't know when or if he will come back but even if I have a certain fear and pain I want to use this time to be alone and to think.
There's another problem. Now that he is not with me (and I feel a little lost and alarmed) I think about my poa and i think about e mailing him and telling him I still love him and that my marriage is ending and maybe there's is a possibility for us.
I know this is not a good idea. From one side I would like to make the last attempt with my poa, from one side this thought dazes me and takes me far from reality and from the other side I feel this is not correct towards my husband and towards myself and towards good.
But this thought tempts me and in this moment of confusion and absence of my husband triggers me.
I feel by my side all the strenght I built during a year spent here on the board and with prayer.
But the temptation is sometimes strong and I needed to write down all this
thank you,
light
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Post by Rick Faith on May 4, 2010 11:28:03 GMT -8
Our inn er kids just like to play unhealthy adult games...thats always a good place to styart for me...
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Post by strongself on May 4, 2010 11:45:38 GMT -8
hi light, you're playing my song...especially since POA said it was because of my "situation" (me being married-he being single) that things got so messy, between me & POA that is! I want to tell you I've had the very same thought, ditch hubby & make myself available to POA. Guess what though? POA is SW...and they don't really like it when you get close or make yourself available! So that is a lose-lose right there! I know it FEELS like it makes sense, but trust me, it doesn't. So declare war on wanting people only when you can't have them. Use this alone time to fight this with everything you have, this is your chance!  |
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Post by Light on May 4, 2010 19:37:46 GMT -8
Thank you, Rick.
Thank you Strongself, great advice. I needed to hear this.
In one of his last mails my poa told me that we couldn't have a relationship because we didn't know each other, we were attracted but we should have live together for a time and know each other better. But this was impossible unless I broke my family (poa also lives in another country)! And he added he would never expect me leaving my family nor he thought was I ever able to do that.
That's why after two years from this e mail, I still think there is a remote hope. But my rationality tells me this hope is illusion and if I contacted him I would be ignored, hurt, humiliated again and possibly I would start the cycle again.......
The temptation is strong anyway.........What do I have to do?
light
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Post by strongself on May 4, 2010 19:51:13 GMT -8
honey, like I said, there is nothing there for you...
I know this is hard. Surround yourself with people who love & support your best self! If you have them, lean on them. I have 3 great friends who I've leaned on. One of them went through a messy divorce, her husband cheated, left her for the other woman & married that other woman. She supports me in the face of the incredible pain it has caused her to know I've been cheating on my husband. There are people that will show you how important it is to to love yourself & take care of yourself...THOSE are the people we need to be in communication with, not someone who feeds our addiction...I've been sitting on my hands all day NOT responding to a text from POA...my friends talked me through it & I've found so much clarity here. Clarity & NC will give you peace...meditation is good too...you don't need to banish the thoughts when they come up, just acknowledge them and let them go....you can observe it "there's that thought again...wonder why that's coming up...ohI feel tired/lonely/hungry..."
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Post by Light on May 4, 2010 19:58:59 GMT -8
I know you are right, Strongself, but how can I live with the doubt I could have done a last successful attempt?
I know what I'm saying is right the opposite of recovery and healthy thinking but I don't want to have this doubt.......help!
Or I should respect my dignity and not risk to be ignored again or maybe even teased by my poa with his friends. And I should respect my love for my husband and the faith he has for me and not even talk to my poa about my private life.
My poa didn't respond to so many of my mails, he had plenty of chances with me, he refused my friendship twice on myspace.
I can't break a nc of six months.......I could lose all my progress, I could live withdrawal again. I could hate myself after and feel guilty.
I'll pray and meditate. I'll do the right thing.....
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Post by Light on May 4, 2010 23:52:51 GMT -8
I want to remember here and let you know the words my poa wrote to me after our meeting:
You have to focus now on the things you have, you have a very openminded husband who loves you and not many women have this fortune, you also have a beautiful daughter.
If you look for your happiness in the right place you will find it, you already have it.
I'm not lost to you because I will always be a good friend for you.
Beautiful words that make understand the sort of person my poa is and why I feel so much for him.
But I think I have to listen to his words, because they are wise words, that come from a pure Spirit.
I have to start to think the way my poa and my husband think, the right way.
light
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Post by Light on May 5, 2010 0:35:15 GMT -8
I'd love to hear your opinion!!
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Post by geedee on May 5, 2010 0:59:34 GMT -8
My POA said almost the same thing. Word for word Light. Doesn't mean he was offering me anything. They know what to say to keep us hanging on but try not to hurt us by being too blunt.. Only because they want to feel noble and blameless IMO
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Post by Light on May 5, 2010 2:19:59 GMT -8
But my poa didn't want to make me hang on, Gabriela. He was just suggesting me to go back home, not destroy my family, do the right thing. Not all poa are bad person, or SW or Narc or ant other kind of love addict, there are some normal people out there..  ..... |
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Post by geedee on May 5, 2010 5:44:11 GMT -8
my POA told me early on that I probably had everything I needed at home with my H and that he didnt know what he had to offer me. But when things were going well with h again and i wasn't yet in too deep with my POA, he changed his tune...?oh well off you go to your h then in your little black dress... I'll crawl back into my shell....before you disappear into the sunset just remember that you should take the other party's feelings into consideration...blahblahblah'
Or how about when I told him I only wanted to be friends and he said he always said that fship was what he wanted more than anything? Within a day or two our conversations would go like this:
POA: Got a confession to make...
me: What is it now?
POA: I was bad, looked at your pics again....
Imagine the rest...
That's what I mean by hot cold, cat and mouse. If I asked him if he had feelings and if he thought that one day there might be hope for us he would never come right out and say no. Never.
From what I've read of your story, Light, you sound as if you've gone totally gaga. How long did you email him without getting a reply? Didn't you say you saw him with another woman on FB? Didn't that make you feel terrible?
My POA may have been emailing me for 5 mths since I closed down my secret account. Never told him I closed it down but my close friend threw away the password that she changed for me.
I went NC, not him. If I want I can convince myself in ten minutes he's a great guy. For goodness sake I did that throughout our r/s! But I know that my only hope of survival was to run fior my life. Slam the door shut even if I could sense him knocking. His words 'I'm not all good but I'm not all bad either. I should know, because I have to live with me.' haunt me still.
I'm the one that's addicted Light. You're addicted too and those people are TOXIC for us. Let's not kid ourselves. Your POA might be a good guy but he had an affair with a married woman...nothing noble about that.
I'm mad at myself more than anything. Don't take offence but you're high from your wonderful accomplishment and want your POA's praise and admiration. Is that something to do with your inner child? Wanting your parent to tell you how wonderful you are? Think about it Light. Don't break NC. Don't... please...
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Post by Rick Faith on May 5, 2010 5:51:52 GMT -8
the games people play.... I have played ganmes all my life...but with me really...all about my sick need to fill a void that cannot be filled by a person place or thing. And i have to grow up and that means step four. No other easier softer way.... just steps...take steps take steps...start walking my own walk...not someone elses.
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Post by lotus on May 5, 2010 6:55:33 GMT -8
Light,
A few things:
Remind yourself of the things you don't like about your POA. Like that he thought it was OK to have sex with a married woman (you).
What if you did end up with your POA? Would you lose control with him every month too? Would he be as understanding as your husband? You would just be transferring your problems to another person.
You are being triggered by the situation. You are afraid. Don't give in. This is about you and being OK with whatever life hands you, without needing to reach out for a "security blanket". This is not time to try to start another relationship.
Wishing you the best. We are all here for you.
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Post by Light on May 5, 2010 8:29:54 GMT -8
Thank you , Lotus, I have a real, great affection for you!
light
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Post by primrose on May 5, 2010 8:36:24 GMT -8
Do nothing light, this will pass, it's crazy thinking. You can live with doubt. My POA said a lot of beautiful things too. Love is an ACTION, not a feeling, or words. Your husband's actions are loving, your POAs not, your actions have to be loving now, for you, for your REAL child (your daughter) and your husband. Don't stay in your child-self Light, get into adult. You're a woman not a baby, think rationally, not emotionally. Thinking of you. P.
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Post by Light on May 5, 2010 9:13:10 GMT -8
Oh, thank you, Primrose , you could never imagine how much affection and admiration I have for you!!!
light
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Post by primrose on May 5, 2010 12:25:52 GMT -8
Big hug. You take care of yourself, eat well, sleep, pray a lot. You've got your period, your husband's moved out, you're starting with a new therapist, you told your husband you were unfaithful, you had an exhibition, you had a slip. That's A LOT to process for anyone! And it's all triggering stuff for a LA. So don't do anything rash Light, just take it easy. P.
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Post by moonlight on May 6, 2010 14:15:44 GMT -8
Hi Light
Besides all the pain, this is also a chance to get to know yourself. Believe me I know the pain, and I've also experienced how it helped me getting stronger to be alone for a while. It would be a shame to miss out of this opportunity.
All the best, lots of strength and take good care of yourself, love Moonlight
And PS: no idea, but you're not by any chance in the UK and able to meet with us end of May in London?
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Post by Light on May 6, 2010 15:01:44 GMT -8
thank you Moonlight, yes I'll work in my alone time :-)
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Post by strongself on May 6, 2010 15:37:56 GMT -8
"My POA said almost the same thing. Word for word Light. Doesn't mean he was offering me anything. They know what to say to keep us hanging on but try not to hurt us by being too blunt.. Only because they want to feel noble and blameless IMO"
Mine too...he is well known as being a "nice guy", but that doesn't mean that they are "perfect"...people that start stuff up with married people DEFINITELY have problems....making them seem "nice" & "perfect" is part of our disease....
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Post by Light on May 6, 2010 21:51:55 GMT -8
Strongself, if I read again your first post here, I think "uhg , she had told me, she was right! Why was I so blind in that moment"?
Yes, having an affair is not a good thing for married people nor single people. What do you think is in the mind of who has an affair with a married woman, when he is not a love addict, what problems do you think they have?
light
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Post by primrose on May 6, 2010 22:51:28 GMT -8
Light, avoidant SAs love affairs with married people. No commitment, no intimacy, lots of intensity. My POA usually only has affairs with married women. It suits an avoidant very well. P.
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Post by geedee on May 7, 2010 2:35:06 GMT -8
Well, that's exactly the same for me. My POA was an avoidant SA.
His avoidance triggered my LA which had been lying dormant for over 15 years...and after hooking me with all the long articulate ambiguous emails he started to withdraw and i had to chase to get any attention and the fix I had so desperately started to need.
My SA was triggered and came out in full force and the shame from my actions made me switch continually from addict to avoidant.
I was unavailable and he was unavailable. Both married with no intention of leaving our spouses. Only difference was I wanted love more than 'sex'. He wanted sex period. On off switch whenever he wanted it.
Great deal for him but not for me. But now I'm in recovery and he isn't.
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Post by LovelyJune on May 7, 2010 3:09:18 GMT -8
I'm sorry this is happening Light, and I apologize for not having the time to read what others have written, so what I say may have already been said, but the ONLY reason you think you want to contact your PoA again is because you do not want to face your alone time. You do not love or need your PoA. You only think you do out of protection. But the PoA can't protect you. You need to face your alone time by yourself. This is how you grow and become stronger. So often we think anti-depressants and spa treatments, and alcohol and PoAs will cover up the pain of our lives...but they DO NOT. The pain is still there. And as Isabel Allende said recently, it's like childbirth...you MUST experience the pain in order to give birth to your child. xo
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Post by Light on May 7, 2010 3:37:30 GMT -8
Thank you Prim and G.
Thank you very much Telmita, I really needed to her your words.
This alone time scares me and attracts me at the same time.
My husband is no more available to be my armor and scapegoat.
My poa has never been available with the exception of a week end and a bunch of mails from him.
I hope the tangle in me is finally going to melt, I really hope so.
The only thing I want for me from now on is serenity.
I hope my growth will finally abate the power that my poa has had in my mind for so long.
I really hope love addiction can ends.
light
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Post by Rick Faith on May 7, 2010 8:26:34 GMT -8
Hugs to you light. I am in crisis with myn Mom...she is too forgetful to be alone a,lomst...and I cant do anymore than i ahve done...and no compassion from siblings...just hate and resentlment and gossip, maliscous stuff too. Mom cant remember one hour to the next, and i am so tired...so tired of waiting for this to all fall aprt, and in what form and then the hurt of losing dad, poa, and Mom...I am afraid all the time...and never hardly rest. I am afraid for me.
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Post by Light on May 7, 2010 9:11:38 GMT -8
Hi Rick, I understand how you feel because now I'm in great pain too.
I had the worst week you could imagine. I cry if I think my husband could leave me, I cry because I hurt him and I love him. But I want to be strong and pray that all can be all right again. I'll think about you and pray for you, Rick.
light
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