The Imago Hook

Brought me to tears too. Reprogram our brainwashed
minds. What a journey that's going to be! Tonight is going to be about what the mystery in my Imago is. And to think that I'd never even heard of Imago before. I feel as if I have a very long ways to go.

I have 2 imagos. My POA matched my father perfectly for me. But my husband is my mother. My image of my mother is deeply rooted in my unconscious. My mother was very present in my life phsically, but somehow detached from me, she was invisible for me. I couldn't see her because my father took up all the space. But she was there, cooking my meals, taking care of me, making sure I looked nice for school. I couldn't connect to her, but she was there. When I met my husband I projected my mother onto him. I loved him but I couldn't connect to him. I blamed him for us not having sex. I wanted him to nurture me and I didn't want to give him anything in return. He was present and I felt love for him, but he was invisible to me. It took a long time in therapy for me to SEE him. My mother has many attributes that I couldn't see as a child because I was so angry, but I was nourished by those attributes despite the breach in our relationship. The same thing happened with my husband. He nourished me and loved me and I struggled to cope with that because I didn't know how to connect with my mother. My relationship with my husband and my childhood relationship with my mother seem more important for me now than my EMA with my POA and my teenage relationship with my father. But when I was involved with my POA it was as if I was a chemically drawn to him, and he to me, so I really see the power of my imago based on my father.

I've been with my husband for 18 years and I was more than content with vegetables. I was happy I chose my mother imago over my father imago, but clearly I hadn't integrated my experience of my father, because my child was still desperate to find her father imago. I'm glad I did and went through what I did with my POA and subsequent withdrawal. I think without that experience, painful though it was, I wouldn't have freed myself from the power of my father's influence. I used my POA to get in touch with my unresolved feelings and I'm so happy that I went through that. P.

I've been trying to think about my Imago hook since yesterday when i read this post, but I can't come up with anything. I know that i develop very intense crushes, i know the physical dimensions because they are usually the same give or take a few differences, oval shaped head, baby face, clean shaven, and then there are common characteristics w/the men i crush --- very kind and caring, flirtatious, more female friends than male friends, & always trying to help the women in their life but have trouble keeping boundaries with the women because they always end up getting to close to another woman who started out as a "friend" co-worker, or someone who needed help. These men appear nice & sweet at first but are apparently womanizers underneath it all-----that has been my crush pattern, but i have no idea who that represents in my own life because my father was very nice & charming, but he was very vocal about his relationship w/ my mother and made sure any woman( co-worker, ffriend, associated, etc) in his life respected my mother and my brother's & I. In fact, sometimes I;mnot sure how I ended up this way because my parent's marriage appeared to be very healthy, he adored her, and after his death, that was part of his legacy, that everyone knew how much he loved my mother ( I still hear it to this day, 5 years after his death) .

Anyway, I crush hard, and fantasize easily, but I've only had one POA. He was the only one that made me absolutely crazy and I'm not sure if it was because he was the first one i was physically intimate with or what, but I think the difference is that he unlike my crushes played hard to get, so I'm thinking he was the accumulation of both my mother & my father. My mother was the emotionally unavailable person in my life, and my father was the nice, kind hearted person. My POA was both of these things.

I read the book by Harville Hendrix a few years ago. It was very insightful. I do believe - luckily, to some extent - that my Imago is a faint image of my mother. Trouble is, the only memories I have of my mother is her being absent, or me being unable to get her attention. Her supposed kindness was in sharp contrast to my fathers violence and unpredictability, so the love I want the most is the one that is always out of reach.
I never had a problem with being attracted to abusive men, the types I chase are always people who are kindhearted, but unable to assume responsibility for their actions and as a result is often lying to me and themselves.

No wonder I am a fantasy-addict and a torchbearer.

My current boyfriend is close to my imago in the sense that he is very kind and gentle. But at the same time he is very responsible and has a strong sense of duty and integrity. I think the reason I am not addicted to him is because he is so down to earth and upfront about everything. It keeps me grounded and sane as well.