I sent a closure, last e mail to my poa 3 days ago. I wanted him to know I'm not crazy, I have a clear mind now and that I appreciated he never responded to me so he allowed me to heal. I really felt I had to do this, I felt it for my dignity. I'm proud of that mail and now I don't want to contact him anymore. Sometimes I'm afraid that having broken no contact (I had slips several times on may and I lived a very rough time during the past 25 days) I will live moments of urge of contact. But deeply I feel I'll be fine. I feel the time of love adiction is over and now it's time of recovery and life. Should I feel a compulsion of contact, I will pray and treat it as something dangerous that pass, if you ignore it....
I'm tired to talk about my poa, especially in my therapy sessions, I want to talk about me now!!!!!!!!
Pls forgive the bluntness of this comment, but you are continuing to put focus on your POA when you email him. In order to move on, you need to put him behind you by not trying to engage him with an email. You have written here many times about sending your POA an email or a final email or a followup email and now a closure email. Stop putting energy into contacting your POA!!!
I'm sure on some level that you take pleasure in composing your email, wondering what he will think when he reads it, hoping he may actually reply. I know because I used to love to write emails to my POA. I did so every day, even though I saw her in person daily too. I would write and rewrite them over in my mind and then read them over and over again after I sent them. When she did reply (which wasn't always), I would obsess over their content too. One of the best things I did after I started NC was to delete all the emails and to block my POA's address. You may want to do the same thing too. You can do it, you can be strong in the face of this temptation.
Maybe to reinforce this point, total up the number of emails you've sent your POA over the years that he has not replied to. If I remember correctly, you've asked for his friendship via email many times and he's not replied. You recently contacted him again and mentioned that you and your husband has separated, then a couple days late you sent him another email asking him not to reply to that email and now a few more days or weeks after that you've sent him a closure email. Please, let him go! This is for your own good! If he wanted to be with you or even explore the possibility, he would have been in contact. He hasn't and it's time to take steps toward accepting that he is your past and there is nothing to be gained in your future by contacting him and focusing on him.
Also, try to imagine what he must think to receive lots of emails years later from someone he had a brief connection to many years ago... it's possible he might think you're a little crazy... guess what? My POA must have thought that about me too, but when I realized how my behavior must appear, it was humbling and embarrassing to me; NC has helped me regain the power and pride that I had lost.
I say all this bluntly and frankly because I care about you and are concerned to see that you are falling into the same old patterns. You deserve better than that and I know you can climb out of this hole. Hugs to you.
Last Edit: May 25, 2010 17:44:29 GMT -8 by Bluejay
Bluejay, I think you are right! Thank you for caring about me
your post is beautiful, I will print it and read it again and again!
Anyway this time has been different. My husband had temporarily left me because deeply I was still tormented by the thought my love with my poa had been impossible because he didn't want to interfere in my family life and in my marriage. When I found myself alone, I was at 6 months no contact, it was a crucial moment for me. I thought it was the right and only time I could prove myself what were the real intentions of my poa. So I wouldn't have to be tormented, consciously and subconsciously by the DOUBT anymore, once and for all. That's why I wrote my poa I was separated. To see if in this case he would have talked to me. He didn't. A great, huge, part of "the dream" was dead. He just doesn't want me. Now I'm sure, now I have very little to build illusions on. Now the doubt can't torment me anymore.
This could be seen as an arguable expedient. But it worked for me.
In my closure e mail I just wanted to left him an happy memory of me, to tell him I was happy and ok and to thank him for his patience and for his silence. I'm not sure if he deserved the nice things I told him in my last e mail. But this is not the point. In a moment, finally, everything was clear to me and I wanted to let him know I had finally understood his real intentions towards me and express him my gratitude. This made ME feel good.
Well, if he didn't deserve it, he may think: "She is out of mind", if he did deserve it, I'm happy he knows I didn't misunderstood him and I don't hate him.
I hope this is your last email Light, will be praying for you that it is. I don't know if I wrote about this before, but I was SO addicted to saying goodbye to my POA. Wow, he gave a good goodbye. He was at his most intimate when saying goodbye, and so was I. Avoidants... what insanity we create. I really found it difficult to give up goodbye. I never wanted to reconnect, I just wanted to reconnect to say "bye" and I got high just from that. Closure feels so fantastic if you're addicted to it. So I have to be very aware of my motives. The best goodbye for me is continued silence and NC. Big hug. P.
Only the ego can struggle, the soul lives in ease and joy.
So true Primrose. I was addicted to closure and getting the last word too. So was he, unfortunately.
he would 'think long and hard before replying' and then say I hadn't considered his feelings. He would then go onto weave a tale full of ambiguous sounding commitments to our friendship blahblahblahpuke.
Anyway, you get what I mean. When NC was finally decided, I think it threw him because he never really believed I'd be able to or want to give him up. i told him I always committed for life, that I would never stop loving him and that he was the one I wanted to grow old with one day.
I don't think he ever really believed my commitment to recovery. Probably still doesn't but not my business what he thinks or wants from me.
I've detoxed. I need to stay clean. Hope you see that too Light. Sending him anything, even when he doesn't respond, is like sticking a little needle in your arm. you're injecting hope of some kind. Just in case he decides to get back to you....
Thank you Greta, I need to stay clean too.But the difference is that now I'm happy to be clean, I appreciate my life, that before seemd gray to me. After, during, thanks to recovery I love my life and so I don't need anymore to dream about a "saviour". A very good and beautiful thing is the new love I feel for my friends here, that I feel so close because we all know the same pain and the same joy to be reborn. This sweet affection literally replaced with a paceful feeling the tormented love I felt for my poa. Your metaphor of the needle is very fitting