Post by Sophie's world on Jun 8, 2010 6:22:28 GMT -8
I am afraid to live, afraid to fall back into old patterns to become to hyper again(i used to be very outgoing and entertaining), now i tend to be too strict and cut of my life force energy and creativity.
It's a struggle, It's about changing the deep Intention, but still keep my personality: Still being outgoing because that is my nature, and instead of manipulate the environment, over-act, wanting to be seen and loved, just be my natural self, open, outgoing, without hidden agenda's, manipulation or over acting.. just give myself to give instead of wanting something.
I feel stuck at the moment. In my life, with step 4. I am afraid i am depressed. I feel lonely and insecure. I normally wont show, the pride of the narcissists in me keeps me together... but i am in an immense battle with myself for years. And I am SO tired, and afraid.
I feel the fear, it paralyzes me. I am confused.
I am very black-white in my thinking. I have done some recovery and am very strong in stopping patterns when i 'dis-covered' them. Although it seems i stop them, but i move to the opposite; to avoid pain i completely withdraw. So what I see for healing, is actually emotional anorexia..
I used to be massively addicted to chaos and drama, being irresponsible. Until I discovered the spiritual path and love addiction. Now I take to much responsibility and try to love like an angel, and hate myself if i cant. I now am afraid of being not pure/ good enough. Afraid a higher power/ God or Karma is angry with me. Probably it is my self hatred, what came more to the surface. I am so afraid now of doing wrong acts that I do nothing. Emotional anorexia I confuse with spiritual detachment.
I am now 7 months without a man. My ex PoA contacts me these days but i dont reply (what makes me feel guilty). I have been 5 months in meditation retreat (vipassana) what was very hard, insightful and wonderful, i have an iron willpower, but meditation is about letting go... so the opposite. I learned much of all. Again how hard i am for myself and how much I 'MUST' grow and heal. I just dont know how to be gentle.
Can someone PLEASE help me and share/ explain more about this? Are there others who recognize?
I would be very happy... can someone help me see the bigger picture, any idea/ question/ suggestion is welcome!!
Sophie
It's a struggle, It's about changing the deep Intention, but still keep my personality: Still being outgoing because that is my nature, and instead of manipulate the environment, over-act, wanting to be seen and loved, just be my natural self, open, outgoing, without hidden agenda's, manipulation or over acting.. just give myself to give instead of wanting something.
I feel stuck at the moment. In my life, with step 4. I am afraid i am depressed. I feel lonely and insecure. I normally wont show, the pride of the narcissists in me keeps me together... but i am in an immense battle with myself for years. And I am SO tired, and afraid.
I feel the fear, it paralyzes me. I am confused.
I am very black-white in my thinking. I have done some recovery and am very strong in stopping patterns when i 'dis-covered' them. Although it seems i stop them, but i move to the opposite; to avoid pain i completely withdraw. So what I see for healing, is actually emotional anorexia..
I used to be massively addicted to chaos and drama, being irresponsible. Until I discovered the spiritual path and love addiction. Now I take to much responsibility and try to love like an angel, and hate myself if i cant. I now am afraid of being not pure/ good enough. Afraid a higher power/ God or Karma is angry with me. Probably it is my self hatred, what came more to the surface. I am so afraid now of doing wrong acts that I do nothing. Emotional anorexia I confuse with spiritual detachment.
I am now 7 months without a man. My ex PoA contacts me these days but i dont reply (what makes me feel guilty). I have been 5 months in meditation retreat (vipassana) what was very hard, insightful and wonderful, i have an iron willpower, but meditation is about letting go... so the opposite. I learned much of all. Again how hard i am for myself and how much I 'MUST' grow and heal. I just dont know how to be gentle.
Can someone PLEASE help me and share/ explain more about this? Are there others who recognize?
I would be very happy... can someone help me see the bigger picture, any idea/ question/ suggestion is welcome!!
Sophie
Yes the narcissist oef... I just ordered a book online about growing up in a narcisstic family. and how to cope with it. Will be a joy to read 
