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Post by scissorsister on Jun 11, 2010 1:04:01 GMT -8
After a long time of mourning, I decided to really try and move on and find a healthy relationship. To that end, I joined a dating site, two in fact. I would have thought that the pictures I put up were decent enough but it would appear I am the ugliest of the ugly. I have had on average 1/2 responses on each per day and closed my account on one site. As for the second site, I have had no messages in 3 days. My profile is worded well so it has to be the pictures. What began as a venture to make me feel good about myself has instead proven to me that in fact I am not in the least bit attractive. I tell myself its just a bad photo but the truth is that the problem is me. No wonder my POA didnt want me. Noone obviously does. I hate myself at the moment and can see a long childless, loveless lonely existence ahead.........I used to be told I was attractive, just a few years ago but maybe stress has taken its toll and my looks have gone. ..I dont know, Im only in my late twenties. Just needed to vent I guess. My self esteem has never been so low as it is now. I feel like a spinster in the making.
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Post by Light on Jun 11, 2010 1:08:15 GMT -8
Beauty is inside of us light
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Post by scissorsister on Jun 11, 2010 1:29:55 GMT -8
Beauty is inside of us light You`re right of course. But unfortunatly we live in a world where looks do matter, especially on the dating scene and unfortunatly especially for women. There is a major double standard in place where women tend to be judged on their looks primarily, regardless of a great personality. I feel like noone will ever want me. I dont know what happened. I used to always get compliments......now I just feel so ugly. I wish i had never joined those sites. I had more self esteem before I did.
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Post by lotus on Jun 11, 2010 15:57:19 GMT -8
A picture is not enough to see someone's beauty. the people may be judging the picture, but may have a different opinion if they meet you in person Someone's personality can enhance or reduce their beauty. Meeting someone in person is a better way to determine physical chemistry, which includes more that just looks (like smells!). Try meeting people in non-dating setting and develop some friendships. Maybe those friendships will evolve into something more.
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Post by floatingboat on Oct 28, 2011 18:57:15 GMT -8
Why not find a photographer to take a nice picture of you? It is worthwhile. I like the advice to find friendships somewhere else and see how it goes from there. At the same time, if you still want to find your luck on those sites, appearance is very important for men when they select dates. It is a fact.
With that being said, however, I wonder why you have to find a man? I think you should work on self love and self improvement at this time. Don't try to fix your problem by finding a new love interest. It won't work.
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Post by runrunrun on Oct 29, 2011 3:35:35 GMT -8
I dont think its you. I think its the dating sites, the people who use them and the expectations they set up. You need to have thick skin to use them. THere are a lot of strange people on them. I was in a single and dating parents forum for years and we used to copy and paste all the strange things people wrote on them and all the strange replies we got.
I used them many years ago. I am 49. I got tons of interest from 60 year olds even though my interest range was from 45-55.
I think the men who use them have really high expectations. Like they want women who are 10 years younger, model appearance, great personalities and put up with their quirkiness.
Please dont let that 'niche' of society affect your self esteem.
GLad youre here joining us who want to improve their self esteem.
RRR
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Post by nvr2late on Oct 29, 2011 6:21:28 GMT -8
I will second what runrunrun said about online dating. Some may be better than others, but my brief experience with two of the biggest was not real positive. A lot of shallow men who seem convinced that there's always a better one just in the next profile. Except for one, regardless of age they were primarily interested in finding out how soon I might be willing to become sexual with them. Even the "Christian" men > It really does take a thick hide to deal with it. Why not try joining classes or a club to learn something new (volunteering, reading clubs, fitness clubs, outdoor interest stuff, art classes, etc) If you meet a man in that sort of setting, he can see you in all your facets and you know right off you have at least one thing in common. And it gets the focus off of you and onto more outward thinking, being involved with others.
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 29, 2011 8:30:11 GMT -8
i totally agree with this, chatlines are no good, or at least was not for me, they were only interested in one thing. Face to face friends is so much more fulfilling. I went to the AA Halloween party last night, and since im not obsessing anymore and iam healing and totally present, i can sit and have a healthy normal conversation with men, and believe it or not, sex is not always in the forefront of there brain. they just enjoy a normal intelligent conversation. so iam getting healthier. no more chatlines, dating sites for me. if you choose that route, just be careful. ;-)
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Oct 29, 2011 11:08:44 GMT -8
great Carolyn....were u dressed up.....it does feel good dont it....i remember when men would talk to me...and at first...i just thought they wanted something....like sex.....and now...its very different....i hope i can bring this attitude with me to my halloween party tonight...thanks so much for sharing your hope....strength and experience...Sun
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 29, 2011 11:23:07 GMT -8
your welcome sun, just be in the moment, and let the night unfold, laugh and enjoy just being you. i had a good time. and had men friends to talk too also, with no motives, just being normal. it does feel good. that is what recover is about also, too just have friends, and men friends too.
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Post by nvr2late on Oct 30, 2011 6:30:41 GMT -8
Church is being a good resource to have male friends with no hidden agenda. Most of them aren't even married (for obvious reasons, lol) Several are even quite a few years younger than me, but since we work together on the tech team, we have that in common. They really care about me and have helped me in the past when I really needed it.
It's a nice feeling to have genuine platonic relationships with the opposite sex and NOT have it go into fantasy or What If nonsense.
scissorsister, if you're still reading: I wonder if some of the more in depth dating sites such as eHarmony tend to attract more discriminating & healthy men? Might still be an option worth looking into.
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Post by iaminfinite on Nov 5, 2011 17:36:23 GMT -8
I think it's best to not judge your self worth based on two dating websites and the lack of responses you've received. Maybe the key is to not expect to have many responses. I mean think about it, if 500 guys messaged you every day based on your profile would every guy be right for you? Of course not. I think it is safe to say we are all looking for 'that one' yet we get discouraged when we don't see enough 'ones' approaching us. All it takes is one and who's to say he'll be on either of those websites? I have done quite a bit of dating off those dating websites and I've never really had anything good out of them. It's actually been my prime way to meet people to date for the last 6 years. You don't always connect as well in person as you can over the phone, email, and text. Just keep in mind what you REALLY need.
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Post by alone51 on Dec 28, 2011 15:34:38 GMT -8
Here's a guy's perspective. I was on 2 dating sites last year. I ran what my friends said was a very funny, charming, and self-effacing (in a good way) ad. No ego or taking myself too seriously. I had some nice photos, and compared with some of the other photos I'd seen on those sites (people hiding their faces, wearing sunglasses or baseball caps), I thought I had a good profile.
I got a total of zero responses (not counting an email blast I got from a hooker). I also answered ads from women, but also got no replies. I'm convinced my occupation and income were the main culprits (I'm an actor and writer), but I'm not Brad Pitt either (more like Brad Garrett with less hair). I've got a very good-looking colleague who got responses from swarms of women. He went out with a few, slept with a few, and now he's taking a break. He probably beat the odds that most people exeperience on these sites.
Most of the women I've seen on these sites are looking for guys who make over $100,000 per year, want more kids, and have a giant home. So I think both men and women have unrealistic expectations on dating sites. Yeah, there are some bad eggs out there who just want to have an "intimate encounter" with a woman and then forget her, but there are also some good-hearted dudes who just want to find a companion and possible lifetime partner.
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