Post by lulu22 on Jul 7, 2010 8:30:35 GMT -8
Yesterday was hard. In the morning I inadvertently found myself looking at POA's blog posts on my google reader (I never click on that page. Did not even know I was "following" anyone) which led to cyberstalking his full blog to see what he had been up to over the last week. Sigh. Needless to say, that resulted in a full 24 hours of obsessing, which just made me feel so naive and weak and WHAT THE HELL IS THIS OBSESSING ABOUT ANYWAY? So frustrating, that old, tired, worn out, totally non-productive, self-harming behavior pattern.
Anyway, early this morning I had sort of a mini-epiphany in realizing that I've been so focused on week 6 here of NC and the LA aspects of my recovery that I'm overlooking that I've not had alcohol since Memorial Weekend. It's really important for me to acknowledge how instrumental booze was in our dance and certainly in my total set up to pursue this man! His drinking problem legitimized mine, and vice versa. When I looked at his weekend, it was: Thurs drinking, Fri drinking, Sat drinking, Sun drinking. I know a lot of people here are in AA as well, so I know you get how important it is to be honest about this aspect of recovering from LA. LA is the core addiction/pattern for me, underneath booze, drugs, food, etc. I use those substances and behaviors to self-medicate the LA, attachment hunger, abandonment issues.
I am constantly writing emails to this man, many of which I store in my journal without sending, and MANY that I have sent over the year-plus we've been in dialogue. Here is the one I've written this morning. I don't know if I'll ever send it. The Universe has a good knack for allowing him to attempt to contact me when I'm absolutely NOT interested in responding, so we'll see. There is a part of me that feels that this might, however, need to be said, because I need to go on record to him about my own abstinence, ie, cop to my denial, and who knows - maybe seed the soil in his mind and heart for his own recovery some day? (Yes, I know that's not my business but we can still hope that other people get well too.) Or maybe I just need to share it in this forum and it will no longer feel like it needs to be shared with him. More will be revealed.
J.
I quit drinking on Memorial Day. I can not maintain the focus, discipline and momentum needed for grad school if I continue to drink the way I was, not to mention the deep personal work and introspection that will be required, which I eagerly anticipate. I want a meaningful and far deeper, richer life more than I want to stay stagnant and stuck in my very old and destructive behavior patterns. Not to mention alcohol makes me fat, depressed, anxious and irritable.
Our relationship was founded on, fueled by, and very damaged by alcohol. There was actually no relationship of any authenticity or depth when you were sober. I used to hope you'd get drunk so we could "connect". How sad is that? You appear to have very little memory of anything you said or did while drunk which is probably why you can't understand why I've felt so confused for so long. I have the email archives to remind me of where I've been. I never would've gone down this path with you had I not been drinking heavily and feeling so lost in my life. My lack of healthy boundaries and my tolerance for unacceptable behavior and poor treatment is appalling to me, the more clear and distanced I get from the whole "mess", as you once termed it. My own behavior toward you and myself is humiliating and humbling. We all have our bottoms to hit. This has certainly been mine.
I don't believe there is anything healthy to work with under the very dysfunctional dynamic we've shared. I'm moving on to a more fulfilling, sane, and inspiring life. You have surrounded yourself with on and offline communities that validate, affirm and enable you to stay just as you are. I can't do that any longer without compromising my own peace of mind, healing process and personal integrity.
If there comes a time when you choose a different path for yourself and your life, maybe you will feel led to look me up. I will welcome the good news.
But now it's time to let go and move on. Enough damage has been done.
L.
***
I'm not going to send this. It's just another way I try to control and manipulate, through overtalking and oversharing. I've said the same thing many times in slightly different ways. He knows he has these problems but is very much into payoffs from the addictions right now and uninterested and unwilling to be well. He'll recover when and if he chooses to. Not my business. I just needed to say this for me in a public forum.
Anyway, early this morning I had sort of a mini-epiphany in realizing that I've been so focused on week 6 here of NC and the LA aspects of my recovery that I'm overlooking that I've not had alcohol since Memorial Weekend. It's really important for me to acknowledge how instrumental booze was in our dance and certainly in my total set up to pursue this man! His drinking problem legitimized mine, and vice versa. When I looked at his weekend, it was: Thurs drinking, Fri drinking, Sat drinking, Sun drinking. I know a lot of people here are in AA as well, so I know you get how important it is to be honest about this aspect of recovering from LA. LA is the core addiction/pattern for me, underneath booze, drugs, food, etc. I use those substances and behaviors to self-medicate the LA, attachment hunger, abandonment issues.
I am constantly writing emails to this man, many of which I store in my journal without sending, and MANY that I have sent over the year-plus we've been in dialogue. Here is the one I've written this morning. I don't know if I'll ever send it. The Universe has a good knack for allowing him to attempt to contact me when I'm absolutely NOT interested in responding, so we'll see. There is a part of me that feels that this might, however, need to be said, because I need to go on record to him about my own abstinence, ie, cop to my denial, and who knows - maybe seed the soil in his mind and heart for his own recovery some day? (Yes, I know that's not my business but we can still hope that other people get well too.) Or maybe I just need to share it in this forum and it will no longer feel like it needs to be shared with him. More will be revealed.
J.
I quit drinking on Memorial Day. I can not maintain the focus, discipline and momentum needed for grad school if I continue to drink the way I was, not to mention the deep personal work and introspection that will be required, which I eagerly anticipate. I want a meaningful and far deeper, richer life more than I want to stay stagnant and stuck in my very old and destructive behavior patterns. Not to mention alcohol makes me fat, depressed, anxious and irritable.
Our relationship was founded on, fueled by, and very damaged by alcohol. There was actually no relationship of any authenticity or depth when you were sober. I used to hope you'd get drunk so we could "connect". How sad is that? You appear to have very little memory of anything you said or did while drunk which is probably why you can't understand why I've felt so confused for so long. I have the email archives to remind me of where I've been. I never would've gone down this path with you had I not been drinking heavily and feeling so lost in my life. My lack of healthy boundaries and my tolerance for unacceptable behavior and poor treatment is appalling to me, the more clear and distanced I get from the whole "mess", as you once termed it. My own behavior toward you and myself is humiliating and humbling. We all have our bottoms to hit. This has certainly been mine.
I don't believe there is anything healthy to work with under the very dysfunctional dynamic we've shared. I'm moving on to a more fulfilling, sane, and inspiring life. You have surrounded yourself with on and offline communities that validate, affirm and enable you to stay just as you are. I can't do that any longer without compromising my own peace of mind, healing process and personal integrity.
If there comes a time when you choose a different path for yourself and your life, maybe you will feel led to look me up. I will welcome the good news.
But now it's time to let go and move on. Enough damage has been done.
L.
***
I'm not going to send this. It's just another way I try to control and manipulate, through overtalking and oversharing. I've said the same thing many times in slightly different ways. He knows he has these problems but is very much into payoffs from the addictions right now and uninterested and unwilling to be well. He'll recover when and if he chooses to. Not my business. I just needed to say this for me in a public forum.