|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Apr 29, 2008 4:21:02 GMT -8
I am at a point in recovery that sometimes feels like the story of Pygmalion (My Fair Lady). Where H. Higgins plucks the poor Eliza Doolittle from a life of utter poverty and teaches her to pass for a "refined society lady." Trouble is, once she's there and passes, she has NONE of the tools or emotional/intellectual resources of a that kind of person. Inherently, she is poor. She may look refined, but underneath her spirit she is raw and gritty. It's like you can take the girl out of Brooklyn, but you can't take Brooklyn out of the girl. So...I feel like I've accomplished certain things in my life that make me "pass" for a healthy person, and yet...I am stumbling in the role of healthy person in this new relationship. 1. I don't have the confidence to accept one night alone (unless i request it). 2. I don't have the faith to believe he is telling me the truth. 3. I lack the courage and the know-how to ask for what i want. 4. I lack the wisdom to know if i'm asking for valid, realistic things. 5. I don't know how to negotiate. 6. I oftentimes don't have the patience to deal with his "mistakes" or short-comings. 7. I haven't the resources or the model of reference to know the difference between good behavior and bad behavior. 8. I do not always have the ability to think positively. 9. I do not have the flexibility to accept a more spontaneous, laid back relationship. 10. And lastly, I do not have the identity or self-love deep enough to ENJOY my time without him. I cannot yet walk around without him (for a day or two) and be happy in spite of not seeing him. That being said....how do i begin to get these things for myself?  I am standing in front of a block of wood. I KNOW i need a hammer and nail, but I simply do not know where to get them. Any clues??? Thanks!!! T |
|
|
|
Post by winnie on May 2, 2008 13:30:33 GMT -8
MMMM this is a hard one , because I couldnt help thinking when reading this that i wasn't convinced! I certainly dont mean that in a rude way, please dont take offence if thats how it sounds, but i think you are that girl. I really do. your are the posh girl. I think more people then we realise 'fake it till they make it', having said that i dont think your going to wake up and 'be there' but gradually it'll just dawn on you. Your doing it, your recovering , your living life. I find alot of what you write very inspirational telmita , I cant help thinking that your on the right track even if it doesnt seem that way to you. I had a situation recently , well this week , where I felt the man I have been dating was acting in a way which didnt suit me. I thought about it and thought about it, then did something I have never ever ever had the strength to do, I made a rule for myself( i wont say now what the rule was) and he was breaking the rule, therfore no go. Before i would have got off on this situation and waited in bated breath for him to come to me and change, I would revel in the heart ache thinking it meant true love!!! The point of this is I feel as addicts you have to set yourself perhaps more explicit boundaries and stringent rules. you know what makes you feel good or bad THAT is your 'model of refernace 'for good or bad behavior surely? Im sure you already have rules or whatever you call them , maybe now is a good time to go over them. I think you are the hammer and you are the nail, you have those tools,practice being spontaneous and laid back( i know that doesnt quite make sense!) and like with all recovery i reckon eventually with dedication you will be. some of what you wrote is what people who arent addicts feel to they just have better stratergies for dealing with it, thry probably dont over indulge in cyclic obsessive thinking that LA do, maybe you coud find some new ways to practice controling your thoughts?? As ever when I write stuff here I dont hold myself up as a model referance these are just the things I say to myself to help me, i hope it helps you too a little bit. winnie |
|
|
|
Post by beehappy on May 2, 2008 21:00:12 GMT -8
Hi T,
First of all I want to say thank you for your posts. I find them insightful as they help me to step back and look at things differently and face things that I often do not want to. Having said that I love this post because it is me. I have achieved the highest level of education and yet it is not enough to feel good about myself. During my counseling visit today I realized that I feel like a flounder in most if not all of my interpersonal relationships. My addiction feeds it and also serves as a poor attempt to treat it. I will read the things you posted a number of times as perhaps a goal list. I am reading Susan's the Art of Changing and at one point in the book it asks the reader to consider the things he/she wants to change. I will use your list for reference. Hope all is well. Stay strong.
Bee
|
|
|
|
Post by bluebird on May 3, 2008 15:31:22 GMT -8
T,
Hi, good to read your post. I am still without internet at home so I can only get online every few days. I am so hungry to hear how you all are doing, so glad to have this place to come.
I am learning how much my lack of boundaries is related to my behavior.
I relate so much to what you wrote.
I am learning to say "I'm not comfortable with that" when I feel a knot in my stomach , or when I get those gut instincts that something just isn't right. And, I am watching how many ways I don't respect someone else's boundaries. I look back and see how many times I wouldn't take no for an answer or just step back and accept it when something wasn't offered freely. . I am trying not to judge it just to begin to practice some new awareness.
I grew up without respect or privacy. As an adult I am learning how to give it and how to ask for it. I wish it were easier and not in public. Even so, isn't it exciting and empowering to begin.
It is normal to have feelings of shame and discomfort when we are beginning to do things differently. It will get easier as we practice new ways of relating to ourselves and others.
As always, we are not alone. Thanks for posting.
Bluebird
|
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on May 9, 2008 8:25:05 GMT -8
Thank you so very kindly, Winnie, Bee and Bluebird. Your support and encouragement mean a lot to me. And i love the different perspectives!
My therapist said to me, before I had my last appt. with her: a good relationship can HEAL you. I am beginning to believe this. What has been happening between me and S is this: he will call a million times and tell me he loves me a billion times and actually BE good to me in action day after day after day...and then ONCE he will not call (perhaps he's tired, perhaps he forgot, perhaps he's cranky and doesn't feel like talking to me!) and i will react in my normal, LA manner: i will be SEVERELY HURT, think he's bad, no good, he's lying to me, he's toxic. I will create drama, where there is none. I will totally go crazy inside with pain, until I realize something VERY VERY VERY important: this is my make it or break it relationship...i love this man and i need to calm down and have patience with him. He is NOT treating me poorly because #1.) i don't allow it, and #2.) because he's not a bad guy.
After that initial realization, i start to tell myself other important stuff: I have changed. I am OK. I am safe. He will not hurt me. You have to begin to trust him. Slowly, over time, you will see that one missed phone call does NOT mean he is a loser or hates me or wants to leave me. And even though i still have loads of trouble with many of those things on that list, I give myself credit for working it out and trying to learn how to handle myself better the next time.
It's literally like climbing a mountain. You climb a little. Sit down and rest. Look down to see how far you come. Look up to see how far you have yet to go. Get up. Start climbing again.
Thanks Winnie for saying I am the hammer and the nail. I like that. It's empowering. Kicking a love addiction is all about empowering the self again. In helping myself, I have also added books about how to control emotions using what's called "dialectical behavior therapy." It's really helped me this week!!!!
hugs,
T
|
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on May 9, 2008 15:24:54 GMT -8
It is progress, not perfection. They don't call it love addiction for nothing . . . |
|
I am standing in front of a block of wood. I KNOW i need a hammer and nail, but I simply do not know where to get them. Any clues???
