Post by marajade70 on Aug 14, 2010 17:34:47 GMT -8
I realized that the reason I become addicted to love is because when I grew up with my emotionally and physically abusive mother who was a cross between Mommy Dearest and the mom in Carrie, attention from a good looking popular guy at school was a reprieve from her as well as from my peers who bullied me. When the attention stopped, I was back in my painful dark emotional cell with my mom rubbing my grief in my face and telling me it was because I "wasn't walking with God" and feeling humiliated in front of the bullies. I needed validation that I was worthwhile. She would then smother me and tell me that know one else "in the world" will love me, but that she was "there for" me. So any man that actually could have loved me, I equated him with someone that wanted to own and control me.
My mom sometimes pinned me down to the floor and was praying in tongues and hitting me. Sometimes, living in an armed camp seemed more preferable. So when friends flake, or a man wants to leave me, I am extra sensitive because I do not want to relive that pain. Even though I am mostly estranged from my mom 2000 miles away, I still feel as though I return to the same dark lonely pit and hear her words, even though she may no longer be physically present.
I learned this in my 12 step meeting today. I just don't know how I am going to get past it.
My mom sometimes pinned me down to the floor and was praying in tongues and hitting me. Sometimes, living in an armed camp seemed more preferable. So when friends flake, or a man wants to leave me, I am extra sensitive because I do not want to relive that pain. Even though I am mostly estranged from my mom 2000 miles away, I still feel as though I return to the same dark lonely pit and hear her words, even though she may no longer be physically present.
I learned this in my 12 step meeting today. I just don't know how I am going to get past it.
