Quit Blaming the Other Gender - It's Not Them, It'
Aug 19, 2010 6:00:54 GMT -8
RoseNadler likes this
Post by EmoUnavail on Aug 19, 2010 6:00:54 GMT -8
Found this wonderful article at Associated Content and it was a great eye opener. It was amazing how closely i related to it ... Enjoy.
Quit Blaming the Other Gender - It's Not Them, It's You
If you think you're in love with someone, it can be the greatest feeling in the world. Some people (like me) like the idea of "being in love" so much that they convince themselves that they are "in love" with people without really knowing them very well. It's really just infatuation, but people like me like to toss the "L" word around a lot. For us, it's LOVE.
I am a Co-Dependent Love Addict. We will refer to this as CDLA. I just coined a new phrase. Congratulate me.
What are relationships like for people like me? Well, for one, they aren't full of harmony and bliss. We tend to listen to a lot of sad love songs and relate the lyrics to ourselves. They are more like hockey games. Lots of fights all over the place and then back to the game as if nothing happened after 5 minutes in the penalty box.
It is always quick, it is always Mr. or Mrs. Wrong, and it is normally mostly one sided; meaning that CDLAs are giving more in the so-called relationship while the other partner is pretty much using us for whatever he or she can get. Unfortunately for us, the feeling of being "in love" is probably the most overwhelming emotion in our lives. It controls us. Like any addict, we "need" the rush. Without it, we feel like an empty shell and start jonesing for another person, just the same way as many of the people we pursue seek alcohol or drugs.
We live for the times when the object of our affection is "nice" to us. Nice can be throwing us a bone like a phone call or buying us a drink. Or giving us some sort of compliment, although that doesn't happen too often. If you are in such a relationship, notice how often you compliment the other person and how often he or she compliments you. It's like a bad football game - the score being 38 to zero most of the time.
Some people think you can't be "addicted to love." You can. You can be addicted to love just like you can be addicted to just about anything. Our anthem is the old Robert Palmer song. And sometimes you become so infatuated with someone that you refuse, you absolutely refuse, to see the red flags - even when they become so evident that it's like you're either waving an airplane in or marching in a parade for Red Pride day.
In many cases, the object of your affection, who knows how you feel (because people like me - CDLAs, can't hide their feelings) plays games with your head and heart. One minute they are telling you how much they like you, the next they are finding fault with everything you do. Slowly, they take control of the "relationship" (if you can call it that) and your happiness on any given day, depends upon their actions, not your own. You soon relinquish any sort of control you have over your own feelings and hand them to this person on a silver platter. In most cases, the people you hand this precious items over, your heart and soul, don't deserve the leavings in your cat's litter box. But you give them everything anyway. After all, you're "in love."
In a healthy relationship, the person to whom you've given your feelings, cherishes them. And, in turn, gives in return. In an unhealthy relationship (like the ones I'm usually in), the person uses your feelings against you. Like a weapon. They know they have control, they enjoy control and intend to remain in control. And they play with you like a little doll, tossing you aside when they're bored or find something (or someone) else more interesting. Then picking you back up again, playing some more, tossing aside....it keeps going on.
This is the anatomy of a co-dependent relationship. People often attribute co-dependents to wives or husbands of alcoholics or drug addicts. They put up with the treatment that's meted out to them because they "love" the other person and the other person "needs" them. But actually, it's a lot more than that.
A co-dependent is a person is someone who feels that their "love" will change everything that is drastically wrong with another individual. And I'm not talking about things like they squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle. I'm talking alcoholism, indolence, drug addiction, anger issues, you name it. A love addict absolutely needs the feeling of "being in love" all the time. Therefore, CDLAs are willing to give 100 percent to a relationship while their partner gives zero. Why? Because the we suffer from very low-self esteem. Low self esteem is the subject of another article; it's cause can be attributed to many different things. But because the CDLA thinks so low of himself or herself, they often enter into tumultuous relationships in which they are doing all of the work. And suffering. And crying. And a lot of waiting for the phone to ring.
How does one cure themselves of being a co-dependent love addict? The first thing you have to do is realize you have a problem. If you are chasing around bad relationships like a dog chases it's tail, you have to start thinking "maybe it's me," instead of blaming the entire male or female gender. That's half the battle. The other half is getting yourself into some sort of support group or therapy. Sometimes, simply knowing what your problem is and reading about it (there are literally hundreds of books available on the subject of co-dependency and love addiction, which for some reason, seems to affect mostly women) can help.
The biggest step you can take is ending whatever unhealthy relationship you happen to be in at the moment. It's also the hardest thing you will ever do. Because, in most cases, the other party will turn it around on you and make you feel either guilty or crazy. And you will have to go through the "break up" heartbreak just as if they dumped you. Which is exactly what they would have done anyway, when they found another doll to play with. This is where a support group or even a good support network of friends comes in. Chances are that you will feel a bit of a boost of self-confidence for taking this step, but it will be fleeting. You have to be careful you don't go crawling back. That's where the support network comes in.
Find something that you like to do and do it. Exercise. Keep yourself busy. Do something nice for yourself. These are all ways to build up your self confidence and make you feel like the worthwhile person that you are. Get to the root of the low-self esteem issue with the help of a therapist. And then realize that whatever happened that caused this is in the past and there's nothing you can do to change it. Start looking forward to the future and something that you actually do have some control over.
Start noticing other peoples' relationships. Healthy relationships. You will find that someone who has half your looks, brains and build has a man or woman who treats he or her quite nicely. You will wonder what that person has that you don't. It's very simple: They think highly of themselves and you don't.
Pride is supposedly one of the seven deadly sins. We take this out of context. Pride in ourselves is a good thing. The sin is allowing someone to "do unto you" what you would never, in a million years, do unto them. That's the sin.
So eliminate the sin. Eliminate the guilt. Eliminate the unhealthy relationship and realize that you are a decent person and that there are many, many other decent people out there who are looking for the same thing you are: respect, attention, affection and love. And the funny thing is, the decent people are willing to give you some back.
www.associatedcontent.com/article/147732/life_for_a_codependent_love_addict.html?cat=72
Quit Blaming the Other Gender - It's Not Them, It's You
If you think you're in love with someone, it can be the greatest feeling in the world. Some people (like me) like the idea of "being in love" so much that they convince themselves that they are "in love" with people without really knowing them very well. It's really just infatuation, but people like me like to toss the "L" word around a lot. For us, it's LOVE.
I am a Co-Dependent Love Addict. We will refer to this as CDLA. I just coined a new phrase. Congratulate me.
What are relationships like for people like me? Well, for one, they aren't full of harmony and bliss. We tend to listen to a lot of sad love songs and relate the lyrics to ourselves. They are more like hockey games. Lots of fights all over the place and then back to the game as if nothing happened after 5 minutes in the penalty box.
It is always quick, it is always Mr. or Mrs. Wrong, and it is normally mostly one sided; meaning that CDLAs are giving more in the so-called relationship while the other partner is pretty much using us for whatever he or she can get. Unfortunately for us, the feeling of being "in love" is probably the most overwhelming emotion in our lives. It controls us. Like any addict, we "need" the rush. Without it, we feel like an empty shell and start jonesing for another person, just the same way as many of the people we pursue seek alcohol or drugs.
We live for the times when the object of our affection is "nice" to us. Nice can be throwing us a bone like a phone call or buying us a drink. Or giving us some sort of compliment, although that doesn't happen too often. If you are in such a relationship, notice how often you compliment the other person and how often he or she compliments you. It's like a bad football game - the score being 38 to zero most of the time.
Some people think you can't be "addicted to love." You can. You can be addicted to love just like you can be addicted to just about anything. Our anthem is the old Robert Palmer song. And sometimes you become so infatuated with someone that you refuse, you absolutely refuse, to see the red flags - even when they become so evident that it's like you're either waving an airplane in or marching in a parade for Red Pride day.
In many cases, the object of your affection, who knows how you feel (because people like me - CDLAs, can't hide their feelings) plays games with your head and heart. One minute they are telling you how much they like you, the next they are finding fault with everything you do. Slowly, they take control of the "relationship" (if you can call it that) and your happiness on any given day, depends upon their actions, not your own. You soon relinquish any sort of control you have over your own feelings and hand them to this person on a silver platter. In most cases, the people you hand this precious items over, your heart and soul, don't deserve the leavings in your cat's litter box. But you give them everything anyway. After all, you're "in love."
In a healthy relationship, the person to whom you've given your feelings, cherishes them. And, in turn, gives in return. In an unhealthy relationship (like the ones I'm usually in), the person uses your feelings against you. Like a weapon. They know they have control, they enjoy control and intend to remain in control. And they play with you like a little doll, tossing you aside when they're bored or find something (or someone) else more interesting. Then picking you back up again, playing some more, tossing aside....it keeps going on.
This is the anatomy of a co-dependent relationship. People often attribute co-dependents to wives or husbands of alcoholics or drug addicts. They put up with the treatment that's meted out to them because they "love" the other person and the other person "needs" them. But actually, it's a lot more than that.
A co-dependent is a person is someone who feels that their "love" will change everything that is drastically wrong with another individual. And I'm not talking about things like they squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle. I'm talking alcoholism, indolence, drug addiction, anger issues, you name it. A love addict absolutely needs the feeling of "being in love" all the time. Therefore, CDLAs are willing to give 100 percent to a relationship while their partner gives zero. Why? Because the we suffer from very low-self esteem. Low self esteem is the subject of another article; it's cause can be attributed to many different things. But because the CDLA thinks so low of himself or herself, they often enter into tumultuous relationships in which they are doing all of the work. And suffering. And crying. And a lot of waiting for the phone to ring.
How does one cure themselves of being a co-dependent love addict? The first thing you have to do is realize you have a problem. If you are chasing around bad relationships like a dog chases it's tail, you have to start thinking "maybe it's me," instead of blaming the entire male or female gender. That's half the battle. The other half is getting yourself into some sort of support group or therapy. Sometimes, simply knowing what your problem is and reading about it (there are literally hundreds of books available on the subject of co-dependency and love addiction, which for some reason, seems to affect mostly women) can help.
The biggest step you can take is ending whatever unhealthy relationship you happen to be in at the moment. It's also the hardest thing you will ever do. Because, in most cases, the other party will turn it around on you and make you feel either guilty or crazy. And you will have to go through the "break up" heartbreak just as if they dumped you. Which is exactly what they would have done anyway, when they found another doll to play with. This is where a support group or even a good support network of friends comes in. Chances are that you will feel a bit of a boost of self-confidence for taking this step, but it will be fleeting. You have to be careful you don't go crawling back. That's where the support network comes in.
Find something that you like to do and do it. Exercise. Keep yourself busy. Do something nice for yourself. These are all ways to build up your self confidence and make you feel like the worthwhile person that you are. Get to the root of the low-self esteem issue with the help of a therapist. And then realize that whatever happened that caused this is in the past and there's nothing you can do to change it. Start looking forward to the future and something that you actually do have some control over.
Start noticing other peoples' relationships. Healthy relationships. You will find that someone who has half your looks, brains and build has a man or woman who treats he or her quite nicely. You will wonder what that person has that you don't. It's very simple: They think highly of themselves and you don't.
Pride is supposedly one of the seven deadly sins. We take this out of context. Pride in ourselves is a good thing. The sin is allowing someone to "do unto you" what you would never, in a million years, do unto them. That's the sin.
So eliminate the sin. Eliminate the guilt. Eliminate the unhealthy relationship and realize that you are a decent person and that there are many, many other decent people out there who are looking for the same thing you are: respect, attention, affection and love. And the funny thing is, the decent people are willing to give you some back.
www.associatedcontent.com/article/147732/life_for_a_codependent_love_addict.html?cat=72