Post by lovely1 on Aug 22, 2010 18:59:29 GMT -8
I've had several lesser POAS, but one main one since 1997. I go no contact for months and months, sometimes even a year, and then I send an email, get very ashamed of myself and then stop. I am a torch bearer.
Well yesterday, I googled the POA. He's very prominent in his industry and I found a presentation he had done. I clicked on it and was shocked by how grey he has become, I tried to listen to his speech, but was bored to tears after about 2 minutes so I clicked it off....but that didn't stop me from thinking about him or thinking of the next event that I might go to where he might be. I have had no desire to go to these events for many years. I just realized today that the only reason that these events entered my mind is because I watched a small portion of that boring, boring video.
Thinking about that video it hit me, not only was the video boring HE was boring--and was boring 13 years ago!! It was **I** that made the whole thing "exciting" with my whole obsessiveness. His emails were boring. His conversations were boring. And it was **I** who created all of the illusions surrounding him. I felt like I was more interesting communicating with him than when I was communicating with anyone else. I have no idea why that is, but I realized all of that had absolutely nothing to him, as I said HE was boring, I was the one who bought the spice to the "relationship."
And I realize that this spice is still with me. I didn't lose it because I'm in no contact with him. I have it, it's mine and since I'm a torch bearer, I just need to learn how to transfer it somewhere else.
Well yesterday, I googled the POA. He's very prominent in his industry and I found a presentation he had done. I clicked on it and was shocked by how grey he has become, I tried to listen to his speech, but was bored to tears after about 2 minutes so I clicked it off....but that didn't stop me from thinking about him or thinking of the next event that I might go to where he might be. I have had no desire to go to these events for many years. I just realized today that the only reason that these events entered my mind is because I watched a small portion of that boring, boring video.
Thinking about that video it hit me, not only was the video boring HE was boring--and was boring 13 years ago!! It was **I** that made the whole thing "exciting" with my whole obsessiveness. His emails were boring. His conversations were boring. And it was **I** who created all of the illusions surrounding him. I felt like I was more interesting communicating with him than when I was communicating with anyone else. I have no idea why that is, but I realized all of that had absolutely nothing to him, as I said HE was boring, I was the one who bought the spice to the "relationship."
And I realize that this spice is still with me. I didn't lose it because I'm in no contact with him. I have it, it's mine and since I'm a torch bearer, I just need to learn how to transfer it somewhere else.
