thoughts about POA are becoming more frequent and intense, so I need to step back and figure out what's going on. It's really weird because my life is really fantastic right now. School is good. Making progress with intimacy with my husband. I have several people in my life that care about me now. I'm not socially isolating myself anymore. I'm very productive. Why is this emptiness plaguing me again? I'm also letting myself go to fantasy about new people for a few milliseconds on a occasion.
I suspect the new semester is partly to blame; especially since it's fall semester, which is when I had my emotional affair (I was triggered last year by the fall too).
I also think my spiritual fitness has been neglected. I'm such a natural agnostic/atheist, that I've been doubting the existence of God again. I think I need to have a relationship with God, even if he's just an imaginary friend. It really does seem to help fill the hole.
I think I need to be on these boards more often too for communion with recovering people. I think that helps fill the hole too.
I totally understand where you're coming from. But remember, the path to recovery is up, down, up, down....it's not a smooth upward hill that takes you to a place of enlightenment. You are doing fine. If you don't have faith in an HP, have faith in YOU, that even though you are feeling triggered or slipping a little bit, you are gaining strength. All that you have learned to get you to this point cannot be unlearned! You simply have to gently pull yourself back to center. Don't entertain the fantasy. You have control over that. Don't add fuel to thoughts of the PoA. You are ONLY doing that because you are probably under stress. And when an LA is under stress, that's the first place of safety we go- fantasy, thoughts of PoA, etc.
You probably feel "exposed" too. Like a raw nerve. When I was first recovering I did really good with refusing to go back to fantasy and entertianing thoughts of the PoA. But then I felt strange and weird because I didn't have any defenses. I felt naked! How does a healthy person deal with stress? I thought my previous way was pretty clever. Just slip into fantasy! But sadly, that brought me no where.
Healthy people deal with stress by facing it. Plain and simple. Have faith in yourself that you can handle the stress, day by day, hour by hour. It's nothing you can't handle. Go easy on yourself. Take breaks. Breathe in...breathe out.
Does this make sense?
Hope you feel better. You're doing a great job!
Last Edit: Aug 27, 2010 7:38:52 GMT -8 by LovelyJune
A strong hug to you, Lotus! I feel very depressed recently...my ups and downs........fortunately I'm not thinking about poa anymore. I'm sure you will be there soon! Reading your post made me feel less alone and reading Telmita's post made me think I'm growing and I'm facing reality day by day. We are in the same journey, my friend, still.....xx