How to drop the torch?

I can appreciate the sentiment of transference, but I don't benefit from it. I know that, for me, transferring the torch to something/someone else is counterproductive. That's what I've been doing my whole life. Transferring the torch. Even if I transfer the torch to something imaginary or some concept of God, it keeps the pain of obsession and wanting alive. Longing for something that isn't doesn't feel spiritual to me. Instead, I focus on surrender. Seeking connection with God to accept things the way they are, change what I can. I cannot bear a torch for anything or anyone and still be present in my present life, in my present skin. Anyway, I wrote a post recently about torch bearing and mclaughlin73 offered this prayer, which I have found helpful:

God, please remove this obsession I have with __________. Please help me be ok with myself at this current time of life, be ok with who I am, and be ok with being alone with you and feel comforted in the love and care you desire so much to give me. Amen

I transferred my torch to God, Jesus, Spirit all in that order. (Spirit is a female). I also changed from heterosexual to bi-sexual.

But this is not for everyone. I just needed to transfer to someone who will never reject me and is available 24/7. Human beings cannot offer that.

Here is my poem about surrendering to God.

brightertomorrow.net/poemawaitedsuitor.htm

I agree with Ivy-- I think "transference" can be counterproductive. I was a torchbearer for five years. I could not date anyone new, I could not move on, I could not even transfer until I finally went back, found this person and realized I no longer recognized him. I was FINALLY able to put the fantasies to rest--somewhat. When I continued dating every man after had to be similar in some way to the person I initially held a torch for. When I recovered, I learned to stop transferring. Period. In my case, I found that I held a torch to fill an imaginary void within myself. Once I came to terms with my life I realized there is no void! But that sometimes it is necessary to experience "nothing." That's not a feeling I liked. Emptiness scared me. I held a torch because I knew it would fill the void and I would not have to experience emptiness. But now that I am OK with occasional emptiness, I no longer bear a torch for anyone.

Lovely,
Yes you have given me so much hope as well. I can be alone and be okay, WHAOW!!...what a concept! And to think I used to believe in that before, but somehow I lost that knowledge along the way.
Before I came to this board, I was convinced there was something terribly wrong with me, and that I was irrevocably broken. I thought I would spend the rest of my life pining for men I could never have.
But I had a breakthrough moment today when I realized I was confusing love with insecurity. I thought I was in love with men who only make me insecure, and who constantly make me wonder what they feel for me. But I now know that is not love.
Now all I have to do is learn how to love(in the future, not now) without the allure of obsession. Obsession and torchbearing is all I know.
And thanks to Ivy for that wonderful prayer. I just copied it to my phone. I will be reading it everytime thoughts of my POA begin to sneak in.

Last night, I made a tentative pledge to stop obsessing about my POA. I knew it wasn`t going to be easy, but I told myself that everytime thoughts of him start sneaking in, I would have to do a mental chore to punish my obsessiveness.
I decided that if I let myself have more than one thought of him, I would have to do a very difficult math problem in my head, or memorize all the new Spanish words and phrases I recently learned in class.
I`m proud to say I have only done one memorizing session since last night, as I have only allowed more than two thoughts of him in my head, just once.
I don`t know, does this sound crazy? And can it work in the long run? Because I have a pretty obsessive mind, if not about POA, then its always about something else.

I lOVE this. I also think of things I can memorize or think of instead of the POA, like what is going on with the books I'm reading right now. I try to remember where am I with the plot. I think of the last movie I saw. And I also have a prayer that I say. I think of my children and the last funny thing they did to make me laugh, I imagine walking to my favorite places. I think of my to-do list for my family and I think of the first thing I'll do when I get to work the next day etc, etc, etc.

When I was deep in the grips of the POA once--about 7 or 8 years ago--I sat in a chair and thought about him for six hours straight. What a waste of time, ohhh what a waste of time! Now that I've been NC for several years (with sllip ups here and there) I have very little "material" to obsess over. I no longer have 6 hours of memories or even 1 minute of things to think about. I'm forgetting all of the details...and it feels wonderful.

Torchbearers can only let go of limerence when they pass in on to someone else (unlike OLAs who can starve the L with no contact.

Welcome to the board.

Here is the LAA Program

Build Self-Esteem (love yourself)
Work the Steps
Get help
Find God (as you understand God)
If appropriate initiate the LAA 12 no contact rules
Help others

Others will add to this . . .

I've been here soooooooooooo many times before. . I am trying to figure out how to face `MY SELF'. I imagine it will be one of those apiphany moments and it's probably different for everyone.
I read, journal, practice self care, I've been to therapy, I have an understanding as to why I do what I do. .
I can't seem to get over that hump.
I am trying to be patient and not expecting miracles while going through withdrawals.
But I have held myself to a self emposed hiatus from dating in the past. . a year at a time and though things do get better I have to admit I am pretty much lonely and anxious most of time when I am alone.
Any and all words of wisdom helpful here. .
It all seems so alusive.
Obviously I am missing something here.

``**Thank you Lovely! **``

I feel as if I've been swinging in the dark and missing.

I can understand completely. I am pining away for a girl that dumped me. She had even put me on hold for some other guy at the very beginning. She doesnt want me and I continue to email her and try to get a second chance even though I was treated badly. I cant seem to get over the hump. I seem to make progress, but then backslide. I dont even take my therapist advice that this woman does not want you, move on. I am struggling something terrible. You are not alone, your not crazy. I sometimes think I am crazy. I was very much in love with her. Just sitting here typing makes me want to cry about her. She probably thinks I am certifieable. I said alot of hateful things to her when I was hurting really badly and I actually think she will come back. I am very disillusioned. I need all the help I can get to not contact her. Frankly, I am surprised she hasnt blocked me from email or phone....you are not alone, be strong

i am so struggling as well. i am a torchbearer. this particular guy, it has been it has been six years. he doesn't want anything to have to do with me, and when he did, it was only sexual and then he made it known that he was done with me. when i made it known that i wanted more, he let me know he wanted no more contact. then the restraining orders. i also found out that he was still pursuing his ex-girlfriend when he was dating/sleeping with me. i found that out after we dated, adding insult to injury. some days my torchbearing is less painful to deal with and other times it's extremely more painful. i think it depends on what's going on in my life and if i have triggers. triggers can do really bad things to me. i think about him a lot. i have tried the "thought-stop" techniques and they can really work but when i am in a really bad place, it seems like nothing works. sometimes i want to look up his profile on facebook. and i really don't want to. i don'want to go to that bad place. but sometimes i have triggers and i end up looking and i feel horrible afterward. i think it's when i feel " outside of myself" and out of control.. empty.. sad.. afraid... out of control. and other things i don't have a grip on. the worst is that he's either engaged or married now. so his profile picture is of him and his fiance wife. they are holding each other so it feels like a slap in the face to me. it really hurts.. so my looking is like a form of self abuse. i suppose i get what i deserve.
it's been hard for me to move forward from my behaviors. i think we may continue some behaviors whether they are bad or good for us because they are comfortable for us... and they work for us at the time... even if they are negative behaviors... i think that's what mine is about. i am not used to having too many healthy behaviors, coming from a broken home and such low self esteem. i am used to being knocked down by others and not used to good things happening in my life. so i bring that type of energy to myself. it only makes sense that i would look for a guy that wouldn't treat me so well, that would just use me for one reason. and it didn't help that i was sexually abused as a child. i gave my body to this guy, in hopes that he would stay. that was the only way i could get any love from my father. maybe this guy would love me if i gave him my body... it only made sense. instead, he left...
i have to learn to think a totally different way, and it's scary for me...

secondhandrose, your story is heartbreaking. My heart really goes out to you!

You can start fresh TODAY. Start with one little action, one step in a healthy direction. You say you cyberstalk your ex on FB. Maybe say to yourself that today you won't do that. And try really really really hard not to. It won't be easy. It will be very hard to fight that temptation. But try it and don't give in. And when you wake up tomorrow, do the same thing. Make the promise to yourself that you won't cyberstalk. And stick with it. Over time the temptation to stalk him will fade and you will grow stronger in fighting your addiction and obsession in other ways as well.

Start small. You don't have to conquer a mountain in a day. Start with tiny steps, then move to bigger ones when you're ready. But most importantly, just START! Start somewhere, with something. Make a promise to yourself to do something every day that will lead you in a healthy direction and fight this love addiction. Then you'll start seeing progress.

secondhandrose - i was like you cyberstalking 24/7 and i knew he was married/engaged,he would always trim his profile pic, and funnily i would try to work out who his arm was around till the day came and he put up a full group photo and i thought i cracked it, Sherlock homes! Until we were briefly in touch and he said he lied about being married according to him "just a small lie, wasnt meant to hurt you!" Anyway, what really helped is i changed my password on my stalking account to something really random and now i cant remember it, i was blocked by him from my official profile, maybe you could block him, that way he cant view your profile.

i think i did it when i was trying to avoid reality too - work on yourself, i think you need to take action to boost your self esteem, good luck! you can do it.

Yeah, I hear ya. I know a lot of good stuff intellectually, but the rest of me is not buying it...