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Post by lacypooh on Sept 21, 2010 10:22:56 GMT -8
I think one of the worst things about being a love addict, especially a co-dependent love addict is that people don't understand the nature of the way my mind works. My family/friends have a hard time understanding that it's physically/mentally hard for me to focus on myself, to focus on anything other than finding someone to love me.
Trying to explain it is like explaining algebra to a toddler, they look at me as though I'm just being a drama queen, but finding this site makes me feel like i have finally found people who understand the mental torture i go through.
It sucks that I have to force myself to do things that will improve the quality of my life---for me--& not for a man.
The fact is, I have been a better me in terms of taking care of myself when in a relationship---I eat healtheir, i work out, I am on top of my other responsibilities--but when I am single---I find it hard to do anything else than be sad/write poetry about the sadness--and fretfully watch life pass me by( all the while feeling like a victim)
It has gotten easier since I came here & found out there is a term for my way of thinking, which has helped me find ways to work through it. I am growing, I see prgress in my thinking as well as my actions daily, which I know without a doubt comes from having people who simply understand.
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Post by loveaddicted on Sept 21, 2010 10:31:40 GMT -8
Good Luck Pretty. all of us have felt this when we first come here. FYI its a life long journey and every day we have to find ways to take care of ourselves. What has helped me is that I look at my career and love school. So probably will go back to college to take up some of that down time without a man in my life. No children at home and no boyfriend to do things with so yea it is hard but depending on your frame of mind you can thing of other things. I like to make a list or goals so to speak of what I would like to accomplish then figure out ways to make that happen. It will free your mind up some to think about yourself. If money wasn't an option or other barriers what would you like to do with the rest of your life. I will share with you sometimes when we focus all of our time on self discovery or healing or getting better we forget to have fun. Have fun. Try to get out of your mind and focus on the moment helps with me sometimes. Brain storm I am sure you can come up with all the things you enjoy doing or would like to accomplish. Good Luck. love
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 21, 2010 10:41:00 GMT -8
Thanks Love,
I certainly agree! I have actually made a big poster board of all the things I enjoy & want to explore on my own. I made that poaste rmonths ago & I finally did something from it yesterday! It was a line dance class---I had my usual anxiety about going, but this time, I pushed past it, I kept telling myself--" I am the only one who can complete me, this is my time to enjoy life while i am single ( with lots of freedom). Once i got there it was excellent & so much fun!!!!
My friends didn't really understand why going to the dance class was such a huge deal for me, but that's ok, as long as I know that it was a big steps towards recovery that's all that matters. I plan to start doing more things off my big poster board, working on my self esteem & working the 12 steps helps me fight the urge to "wait for a man before I start to live."
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Post by lonely1 on Sept 22, 2010 8:42:52 GMT -8
Prettywingz
Great that you did something 'for you' . . .
I too know that feeling...takes a lot of guts to go by myself and do something 'for me' . . .
. .well, I'm going by myself....still not tottaly sure what "I " want, though....
It is amazing how so many people can't even seem to begin to understand 'us'....and being in a relationship with one of 'them' makes our recovery even harder....
You've made many steps . . .keep the journey going....
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 22, 2010 11:06:54 GMT -8
Thanks Lonely1,
it is so hard being in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand us, I am going to the dance class again tonight & I am excited because when I went on Monday there were ladies who have been going fo rmonths, some for years, I was the new comer & I very much felt like it, but I stayed ( usually anxiety makes me run for the hills) so if i fight my distortions( self esteem handbook reference) & make it back there tonight, I'll feel even better about this small ( but huge step). My goal is to go every week ( because i really LOVE dancing)!!
I hope you find something you know that you want, I have always known that I loved dance, but social anxiety has always kept me from going.
Thanks for your post!
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Post by lonely1 on Sept 23, 2010 10:14:39 GMT -8
"Dance like no one is watching"
I've tried to dance, be am soooooo lacking self-confidence / esteem, I expect any second for people to point and laugh . . .
There was a chance to dance with a girl and I was so afraid....that she's make some value statement....of course a something like "you can't dance fer stuff"...so I didn't even ask her....someother guy & her danced...I felt like smashing my head on the table I was so peeved at myself....
Had she said yes, I'm such a clutz, I probably squash all her toes....and 'earn' the "you can't dance..." comment....
Funny, though, I actually feel like "I belong" when I, on purpose, act goofy & people laugh . . .
almost a feeling of 'accomplishment' . . .
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 23, 2010 11:28:11 GMT -8
lonely1,
i know exactly what you mean! Social anxiety has kept me from doing so many things I think I'll enjoy, I feel like the entire crowd is watching & judging me, waiting for me to mess up, or monitoring my 'moves".
The self esteem book that I have calls this type of thinking thought reading, which means we think everyone is thinking negative things about us , so we shy away from doing anything. The books gives some great mental hammers to break those type of distortions down.
Before entering the dance class, i tell myself that no one there is watching me dance, they are busy concentrating on their own moves.( this is surprisingly helpful !). Last night i saw the instrutor watching me, i got nervous & tangled my feet all up, she smiled, & I had to tell myself that it was just a polite smile & she wasn't laughing at me. That type of thing would have usually sent me the to "bathroom" never to return. But I made myself stay.
I'm sorry what happened with the lady you wanted to dance with, hopefully next time you can try some self talk to help you get on out there =)
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Post by runrunrun on Sept 26, 2010 13:40:52 GMT -8
I think making friends who are in recovery too helps out. They at least understand. Its great to be understood. A lot of folks dont understand me. So I dont even bother explaining it to them. Glad you danced and did something you enjoy. Hope you stick with it and enjoy it. It takes guts to go do some thing like that. But you wont always be the beginner in the crowd.
runrunrun
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 26, 2010 15:28:14 GMT -8
Thanks run, this board is great for being understood =)
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Post by lonely1 on Sept 28, 2010 8:37:48 GMT -8
Oh do I 'second' you statment , wingz, :
is great for being understood
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