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Post by lacypooh on Sept 25, 2010 9:35:46 GMT -8
I have the opposite "daddy issues" as most girls, mine didn't neglect me, infact, I was probaly emeshed with him as he was my everything. I felt like he did double duty & gave me his share of love plus the love my mother wasn't capable of giving.
I think this is where i learned to be so dependent on men to feel good about myself. Well, after he died, i became completely emeshed with another guy. He's the one I write about here. But up until now i couldn't figure out why i wanted him back in my life.
To me--he represents the last time i 'felt something" for someone. I want that "feeling" back. Love for me is the other person supplying & fulfilling all my needs. And being that i have a lot of unmet needs---that is impossible for any person ( outside of myself ) to do.
My father--gave me what seems an endless supply of love---I thought this is what a man is supposed to do for me---cater to my emotional needs 24/7. Always show he cares, always be there. I tend to attract the kind of men who do that......and then suddenly become distant & drift away. That tormented me for years because i couldn't understand why it was happening.
Right now I am experiencing an extreme desire for that over the top kind of love/attention. I feel as though I am starving. I believe this extreme hunger for it is why i didn't notice why i was keeping an old POA from my past around. I was waiting for him to give me 24/7 attention again. I was sub-consciously waiting on him to "save" me. Save me from the pain, save me from the loneliness, the pain of even recovery. I knew i didn't want a romantic relationship with him, but i wanted someone to take care of me emotionally, like i had before.
Reality---I have to take care of my own emotions. I have to take care of my own needs. I can't take a short cut. I'm grateful for my HP for helping me to discover this before it was too late, before i became emeshed with anyone else.
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Post by evenstar711 on Sept 25, 2010 11:32:30 GMT -8
Hi girl!
First of all, GOOD FOR YOU for making all these connections. Sounds like it makes perfect sense.
A couple things....
1. Let me get a little Freudian on ya here (haha)... So, your Dad was always there for you, provided you with endless, unconditional emotional support and fulfilled all your needs...and then he passed away (feeling of abandonment)..So, if you think about it, choosing men who initially relate to you this way and then pull away are maintaining this pattern. Perhaps unconsciously, you are choosing similar men in order to play out this pattern because it's all you know. I could be way off base, but it definitely would make some sense!
2. Maybe the statement I'm about to make is unpopular, but I don't necessarily agree that we must take care of our own emotional needs all the time. I don't think there is anything wrong with other people coming along and providing support, love, and fulfillment. Everyone's ability to be independent and autonomous emotionally varies, as we're all made differently and have different experiences. Sometimes our needs cannot be met by a romantic partner, but I don't see problems with seeking out friendships and positive family relationships to help in the meantime. Humans are social creatures, we need love and acceptance! I believe the problems stem from addictive behaviors that are unhealthy and interfere with other aspects of our life, as well as staying in relationships and situations that are toxic and unhealthy. I hope this makes sense. When you are in the right relationship, where your needs are met and you are free to be yourself, it's okay to feel taken care of!
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 25, 2010 13:08:06 GMT -8
evanstar,
Recreating the cycle of my dad makes perfect sense to me, i know that the man for me has to have certainly qualities of my dad, but i don't think there's a guy out there who can take care of all my needs for me, i'm doing some inner child work now & it's very painful, i want to get to that relationship you spoke of at the end of your post where i can be myself and be ok with being taken care of, but i don't want it to end the way all my others have, i don't want him to pull away.
I think healthy expectations and balance is the key, i will work towards these things.
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 26, 2010 4:34:26 GMT -8
pretty.
I like what evenstar said, but I have to add my own two cents: your father's love for you sounds wonderful. But I think your subconscious interpretation of it is what's getting in the way. He gave you that endless supply of love because 1.) he loved you, and 2.) he knew he needed to OVERCOMPENSATE for where your mother fell apart. This second "way of loving" is the key. It sounds like every man you date you want them to overcompensate for your losses. And that's no longer possible. Love like this is great and wonderful when it comes from a parent who loves you unconditionally and wants to protect you (from the other parent!) but it's not a healthy way to love when you are an adult. You said it in your last line: healthy expectations and balance is the key. But how do you get there? You recognize that it is NOT a man's job to "fill the void" you mother left (like your dad did). But it's not your job either. It is your job, however, to realize, there is no void. And to go on living as a whole person. Not someone who is missing something.
Hope this helps.
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 26, 2010 8:14:26 GMT -8
I'm very emotional lately, that brought instant tears to my eyes, it gave me some sort of relief. All the things I'm learning about myself has been making me feel very flawed and like i have a whole lifetime worth of "work" to do before I can be normal....or have a healthy relationship. Perhaps I am still in the victim stage. I've never thought of myself as a whole person, but you provoked something something in me when I read your last line. It truly helped, a lot!
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 26, 2010 9:26:32 GMT -8
pretty, Good! Provocation is good. It helps you change. And I DO understand that feeling of being flawed, like you have so far to go. That's perfectly normal. Keep learning! The more you know, the stronger you become.  |
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Post by runrunrun on Sept 26, 2010 13:22:50 GMT -8
I think recovery from codependency involves learning to love yourself so that you wont have to search for someone else to fill those needs. I think the 12 steps helps us learn this. A lot of reading and time help too. AT least they have helped me. Also surrounding myself with positive people whose personalities work with me. These days I have no problem removing someone whose personality doesnt work with me. In other words I dont put up with mistreatment anymore just to have friends. I would rather be without the ones who treat me poorly then have them as a friend. I hope this helps. I am codependent too and I am on the recovery side of it.
runrunrun
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 26, 2010 15:29:59 GMT -8
I love hearing from people who are on the recovery side, it certainly does help!
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Post by startingnew on Nov 15, 2010 6:04:10 GMT -8
I agree with evenstar, everybody does have a different level of wants and needs, and there is no "cookie cutter" manual that works for everyone on how they need, accept, or give love in return. Love is such a mystery, and often times, people, including myself, cant see then line of when love stops, and the addiction starts.
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