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Post by runrunrun on Oct 11, 2010 18:30:26 GMT -8
Ran out of room in the title. Should read the less codependent I am the less I want a relationship.
I am in one right now. But it seems I want my space more. Right now my priorities are my health, my kids and my recovery. A relationship is way down on the list. And he wants to maximize time with me squeezing in every available minute. But at least he understands 12 step meetings, health and kids. Only thing is he doesnt understand that I dont need to see him every day.
I really enjoy his company. We have fun together but he is smothering me literally and figuratively. I need time distance and more physical distance. Some snuggling time is good but I dont want it constantly. Seems he needs this. And seems he needs reassurance a lot.
He is a nice guy. Treats me really well. Understands my issues and needs. Is very understanding and supportive. I enjoy being with him. But I dont miss him when he is gone. I dont long to be with him. But I feel like he is my best friend.
Maybe its just because this is the first non codependent relationship I have ever had so its a bit of a strange thing for me. Maybe because there is no drama or highs and lows that makes it different. I guess I have to learn what a healthy relationship is like. I have never had one. So could really use some examples.
runrunrun
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Post by lonely1 on Oct 12, 2010 8:30:35 GMT -8
Hi there run^3,
What you are experiencing is typical during the recovery journey, it eases up and goes away.
We've been so wrapped up in everyone elses business we're neglected ourselves... . . the awareness of self, and now wantting to attend to self , , ,well,,, "making up for lost time" seems to fit.
As for your BF, he may have problems of his own...for him (not you) to work on.... Concentrate on you, be kind as you remind him you need to fix you . . .it is not about "us"
I feel what constitues a healthy relationship evades 'specific' words....I feel it is a unique feeling for each person....
ummm, I venture this: - are you to the point where you could see red or yellow flags in a relationship ? - 'healthy' maybe no Rad flags, and the yellows are EASILY resolved by BOTH person working equally as a team.....
How about : a relationship that seems to be too easy (no, not sl easy) . . .you're not running in cirlcles to make it happen . . .seems like some outside force (ummmm, our HP ?) has a gentle hand in it's shaping. You feel you 'belong' rather then working hard to 'fit in'.
A relationship is like planting a seed....neither knows what is will grow to become....it is to be nurtured and enjoyed as it grows to what is should be ...a beautiful bush of friendship ... a giant flowering & fruit bearing tree of security, love, compassion . . .soul mate for life.
Neither can 'force' the seedling to become something not meant to be . . .if both 'desire' in the heart, soul, and mind a certain outcome, it will be that....
The relationship I am in . . is the first non-codep...and for a long time, I had a hard time believeing it is real....went through a lot of "this is too good , more than I deserve" soul searching. I've realized . .it is real, I am good enough , I do deserve....
Your turn is just a little in the future.... trust Him...He will guide you, but you must do the walking.
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Post by runrunrun on Oct 12, 2010 18:09:36 GMT -8
lonely1, Wow. What an awesome reply. You opened my eyes to some interesting things. Its true that I am wanting time to work on me and make me the focus of my efforts for a change.
I think I can see the red and yellow flags. I saw them in the last terrible relationship. I just ignored them until I could no longer ignore them anymore.
This relationship is different because there are no ups or downs or running around in circles or working to make it happen. It just is happening. So different than what I am used to.
Thanks so much for the insight.
runrunrun
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Post by lonely1 on Oct 13, 2010 8:30:02 GMT -8
Hey there....
"This relationship is different because there are no ups or downs or running around in circles or working to make it happen. It just is happening. So different than what I am used to."
"Your turn is just a little in the future" . . .tomorrow is sooner than you think....following His guidance, keep walking. Healthy people attract healthy people and have healthy relationships.
Maybe, just maybe this relationship is a gift from HP...possibly a test-gift.... . .if you are healthy enough to keep, then you keep . .if it is not, do you see it (remove the 'love is blind' blinders)
Please, that is not to say "look hard for any reason to fail". It is His way of presenting you a learning opportunity...to beleive...in you and your worthiness . . . and ability to 'feel' right from wrong, and act upon those feelings in a way that is healthly for you.
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