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Post by lovely1 on Oct 15, 2010 19:08:34 GMT -8
I've had a few POAs in the last 13 years, but one main one that I would fantasize about. I would day dream that we would overcome our differences and become these great friends. I FINALLY gave that up when I realized finally that I never really like the guy!
For more than a year I obsessed nor fantisized over no one.
Then recently I got a new job and all was well for several months until one day I was putting together bios for my boss and I realized he and I are the same age--within a year of each other. I never thought about him as a person until then. He was a boss, not a person, then I realized that in relation to age, he's my peer. I think that's what triggered the initial interest. Then a few weeks later I was in his office and he was talking (bragging) and I realized he had a really, really cute smile. I had been there for months at that point and never noticed before. As I said before I'd been thinking of him as a "boss" not a real live flesh and blood person.
Then a few weeks later on a Monday morning, I was in the office manager's office with lots of other people and the boss comes in, comes straight up to me and gives me something to put on my computer and it seemed to me that he was talking to me in this low like voice not co-worker to co-worker but like a man talks to a woman. And the way he did it, it just seemed sort of strange. It's hard to explain.
Then one day later I ordered his lunch and was taking it in to him and somehow he ended up right behind me and he said "I'm right behind you" with that low voice again. I turned around and he was smiling at me with that cute smile I didn't notice until I'd been working for him for months.
Then BAM! One day I wake up after having a dream that my boss gave me a peck on the lips and that we were kissing, talking and laughing. I didn't conjure this up intentionally. It just happened and would be very funny if I didn't KNOW that I'm an addict.
One thing that I'm darned glad about is the formal barrier that's there because of the boss situation. In my actions and email, I am always extremely formal and brief with him. One day he had a presentation and I was going to email him to see how it went, but refrained from doing so. It just seemed too personal and caring. Another good thing is that he is my boss and when he talks to me it's going to be about assignments--some of which are unpleasant. That's good too, can't get carried away with fantasy with some of the stuff I have to do. I do my job and talk to him on a need to talk to basis ONLY. I go to his office when I am summoned or when I have something really important to ask. Some days I don't see much of him.
However when I'm not at work, I think about him quite a bit. I think about becoming friends with him, having one of those romantic but strictly platonic friendships. Then I think about kissing him one time and then having that platonic life long romantic friendship after that. I do not in my fantasies want to have sex with him or run away together or anything like that.
I'm so glad I have this forum. So, so glad. I will not tell another soul about this. One of my co-workers was commenting on my boss's voice once and I almost said: doesn't he have a nice voice? But I refrained from doing so. When talking to my co-workers some of whom like him, some of whom loathe him, I NEVER give any opinion. I do, however, try to comfort those who hate him because when he reprimands us, he's not gentle to say the least. I was on the recieving end of his displeasure once and it wasn't pretty. This was after I developed the crush and thought that I'd despise him after, but I didn't! And he apologized actually.
My job is not socially oriented, we all work very hard and talk very little about our personal lives--well except for one young lady--so I'm not too concerned about these secret thoughts I'm having about my boss. Also I KNOW I'm an addict so I won't try to draw him into anything which would only end badly. Once I asked my boss if he wanted me to order his lunch and it was 12:30, the time I always order his lunch and he said "I've been looking forward to you asking me that since 11:30.." and he said it in that low man to woman (not boss to worker voice)...I said "sorry," hung up the phone and ordered his lunch. Later I laughed.
I am in recovery. The story above is indicative of my addiction. There are twists, turns, wondering, fantising etc. Just like if I were an alcoholic tempations are all around. I'm learning how to be around a man I'm attracted to without feeling that I MUST do something about it, find out if he feels the same way about me etc. i think, but pay no real attention to my thoughts as I know where they are coming from--my addiction.
This if the first time in my life since I was a teenager that I've taken no action in the midst of an attracton. Absolutely no lines have been crossed nor will they be. It's kinda cool.
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Post by lovely1 on Nov 18, 2010 20:13:02 GMT -8
Just wanted to give an update one month later.
The crush on the boss is still there, I still feel it but the persistent thoughts have subsided signifigantly. I still like and admire him, and I'm learning to express it in healthy ways.
First i don't SAY anything. I've realized there is no need to declare myself. Tho it is hard when co-workers all are expressing their opinions about the boss--either hate him or love him. I refrain from giving an opinion. I also refrain from giving like/dislike opinions for the rest of my co-workers as well.
I don't treat him any differently than anyone else in the office--accept of course in terms of him being the boss, I give his assignments top priority.
I never seek him out unless I *have* to ask him a question or when he summons me to his office.
Having the little crush makes life at work a little easier. My boss is very demanding and he can be harsh at times, so having the little crush keeps me from hating his guts. LOL.
Since I'll never in a zillion years take any kind of action or admit my feelings to my boss or anyone ever, I was thinking of using this as a sort of fantasy friend that Susan suggests torch bearers create. I sometimes imagine that later on in life, I get a new job and he and I become close friends.
I've also been thinking alot about limerance (from Dorothy Tenov's book Love and Limerence) and how there are only three ways to get rid of it--starvation, transference or if the feelings are returned. One of the things that got me into trouble before with my very first POA (this happened when I was 27) was that I was DESPERATE to know if the POA thought I was pretty, smart etc and most of all did he return my feelings. I mean I was desperate for YEARS and YEARS trying to get his approval.
In this case I have no information, no idea what my boss thinks of me as a person. He could think I'm god awful ugly and way too socially awkward or extremely attractive and reserved. Or something else entirely. I don't know!! I'll never know and I'm okay with not knowing. In fact I'm GLAD I don't know since I'm remembering the roller coaster ride I went on with POA #1 who was full of praise one minute and dissing me the next. And my self-esteem went up and down accordingly.
Not to fully blame him (POA #1) as I would put myself out there writing these long emails revealing the depths of my soul while trying to root around in his. I think my ability to live with not knowing if my crushy feelings are returned is an indicator that I am healing. I learned that you cannot extract mutual feelings from another person. Either they are there or they are not. Period.
I know my boss is satisfied with my work--and that's enough.
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rosewhite
New Member
"I really don't know clouds at all." Joni Mitchell
Posts: 7
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Post by rosewhite on Nov 30, 2010 13:39:26 GMT -8
hi lovely1,
this is my first post on this site, I've been wandering around it silently, "lurking" I suppose. I will go and intro myself on introductions but I'm definately a torchbearer and I just wanted to tell you that this post really resonates for me in a very quiet, groundbreaking way and it's helped me a lot.
I've had the kind of epiphany last few weeks that a lot of my love addition has manifested not only in agonizing unrequited romance stuff, but also in certain friendships and/or my fantasies about friendship with certain people with whom I feel triggered.
thx so much for sharing, and for following through with the update.
rw
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Post by sunnybird100 on Nov 30, 2010 15:36:23 GMT -8
I love, lovely1. You have found the only way to cope with this addiction in the real world. No matter how addicted we are, we cannot lock ourselves away, we cannot quit our jobs, our social clubs, our churches, because of our addiction. However, if we can keep contol, we can enjoy our fantasies, making our "unreal" lives an asset and not a liability.
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Post by lovely1 on Dec 14, 2010 19:50:25 GMT -8
Rosewhite and Sunnybird100,
Thank you so much for reading and responding to my post.
I've discovered that no contact is a spiritual concept as much as it is literal. I see my boss several times a week, most of the time daily. I talk to him, work with him, email him, sometimes from home etc. There's plenty of contact--but not really because it's all on the surface. All of our contact is always, always, always about work and nothing else. I don't know him, I'm not going to try to get to know him. I'm not revealing myself to him nor do I ever intend to. This is "no contact" at it's best. There's no intertwining of lives, thoughts, feelings, conversations etc.
Yet my crushy feelings are there. They are not quite as strong as they were a few months ago, still when he walks in the door in the morning, my heart sings for a moment so I've disciplined myself to refocus on work immediately. After a few minutes or so I barely even think about him being there. Then every once in awhile--maybe twice a week--he calls me into his office and talks to me and he has that CUTE smile that I talked about earlier and my heart melts for a second until I can refocus my brain so that I'm only paying attention to what he's saying about assignments etc and not how much I like and admire him.
To deal with this I'm actually tapping into my inner teenager. When I was a girl I used to have crushes and be DEATHLY afraid that the person I liked would find out. I told my best friends and that's it. I DEFINITELY didn't want the object of my crush to find out. Then when I became an adult things changed, if I had feelings for someone, I HAD to know if the feelings were mutual--even if the relationship was impossible and completely inappropriate. And in the case with POA#1, I wanted to force the feelings to be mutual.
Aside from this board, I haven't told a soul about the crush on my boss and I will not as that would violate the "spiritual no contact" rules that I talked about earlier.
I'm not googling the boss, or obsessing over him, I feel fortunate to work with such a talented, knowledgable individual. I know I can learn from him and add to my resume. And that is more than enough. This is also another sign that I'm healing. When I was in the throes of the relationship with the POA, I always, always, always felt like I was being deprived of something, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Despite the crush, I still feel satisfied with my life in general. So I know it's not destructive or harmful and after what I went through with POA #1, that is indeed a relief.
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Post by lovely1 on Dec 15, 2010 13:09:03 GMT -8
Hi Paisley,
There are parts of this addiction which are not under our control. With the main POA I had years ago, thoughts about him would just crop up out of nowhere and I would act on whatever I was thinking because I figured he must be "special" to me if he was always on my mind. I could not control those thoughts perse but in retrospect, I could have controlled my actions if I had understood what was happening to me. It really was like being "under the influence."
Now that I've been through all of that and discovered that I'm an addict through reading and being on this board, I know what to do when those uncontrollable feelings crop up. I can't help that I want to smile when I hear my boss's voice in the morning, but I can control how I act around him.
To use a metaphor, I'm staying sober by not taking that first drink. I'm not going to bat my eyelashes, or send a flirtatious email to feel him out. I'm not going to hang out in his office brown nosing or making small talk. I won't put forth any effort/action into bringing my thoughts/fantasies to life. I nipped this one in the bud. THANK GOD!!! It's much harder if you've already taken that first drink or 100 drinks and you're trying to stop. Then it feels like it's impossible to say the least.
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Post by lovely1 on Jan 11, 2011 21:57:02 GMT -8
Okay, here I am again. The crush on the boss is still there in an ebb and a flow kind of way. Weeks will go by and I won't think about him after work and then for three days straight I'll think about him quite a bit when I'm off the clock. When I'm on the clock, I do the best job I can--which I've always done with every job I've ever had.
For the last few days it's on again--the thinking about him. So what I did tonight was to research platonic friendships. Not that we are "friends" in a traditional sense of the word, but rather just to get some tips.
This is some information I've unearthed about how to keep a friendship platonic:
1) What is said in conversation is important. Be careful of the desire to show appreciation, be wary of getting too personal or erotic.
---I can check this one off as accomplished as I would NEVER say anything erotic to my boss!!!!
Here's another quote from the same article:
2) "To keep relationships strictly platonic, you must watch your speech. Never go too deep and avoid answering questions that reveal your physical self. Be careful how you talk about your body and vital parts of your body."
--I can check this one as well. I WOULD never say anything about my body when I'm at work!
3)Another article suggested that those who want to keep a relationship platonic should be aware of their intentions and what they feel that they need from the other person.
This is a wonderful suggestion!! My boss is someone I feel I can definitely learn from. He's someone whose opinion I respect. I admire his credentials and achievements. And because of all of this I am attracted to him. Or at least I think that is why. Oh and he has a cute smile. Those are my "feelings"
Now in terms of my intentions...I want to keep my job that's #1. I want to keep my self-respect. I want to be in his presence every day. I want to learn from him. I want him to be cordial to me--sometimes he can be somewhat abrasive to his staff.
I want to keep my thoughts private from him since I revealed way, way, way too much of myself with the POA. I do think about physical stuff, but in reality, I don't want it. He is a VERY intimidating person. When I am in his presence I feel like I'm on a job interview. I sit up straight, don't use a hint of slang, etc. I'm VERY uncomfortable, and romantic feelings are not present. We've never had one personal conversation. So romance is not what I want from him, yet the fantasy is still there when I'm not at work.
It's very, very contradictory, very strange--and I admit something very interesting to ponder. And I can observe, think about, study and explore my thoughts and feelings without a hint of the pain I experienced when thinking (rather obsessing) about the POA. No pain now, nor in the previous months that I discovered the crush, and if I watch what I say, do and act, I can look forward to a continued pain free life!
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Post by lovely1 on Jan 12, 2011 4:05:49 GMT -8
Back again less than 24 hours since my last post because I thought of someting. Answering those questions about "my feelings" and "my intentions" made me think about what I've learned in general over these last months or rather I was thinking about the stages that I went through. Since I'm chronicling this journey here --and NO where else, not by telling my boss, or a friend or even keeping a journal--I thought I'd write about it here.
DISCOVERY
I'd say this was the first stage where my boss went from being a faceless, boneless, souless "boss" to someone I noticed and found attractive enough to think about after work. There are other very nice, physically attractive men at my job, but I haven't given them a second thought once I leave for the day.
DECISION
Once I realized that I'd been "triggered" I made a concrete decision about how I would handle the situation--Spiritual "No Contact".
DISCIPLINE
After I made the discovery and the subsequent decision I then monitored every word, every action to make sure I adhered to my decision.
DEVELOPMENT
Yesterday I went into research mode and found some very interesting things about how to keep relationships "chaste." I was reading that poets and other artists have been using these types of relationships as their muse for centuries. I am intrigued and want to know more! Can I use this for my betterment? Can my feelings bear some sort of fruit that will perhaps help me to grow professionally and/or as a person? While I'm certainly no poet, perhaps I can use it as an inspirational muse in my career? As I am new to my profession, it will take time to answer this question.
****
And I'm comparing these stages to the stages that I went through with the POA which went more like--Discovery followed by an immediate Declaration (I declared myself to him), a short lived Dalliance which produced years of Drama and Destruction which spiraled down into a bonafide Disaster finally concluding in total Disolution of the "association."
This time by making a firm decision to do the right thing right away, I was able to take a different path.
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Post by love on Jan 12, 2011 6:15:07 GMT -8
1st, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU LOVELY 1
2nd, Congrats for handling your feelings and situation well!
And 3rd, keep it up!
Thanks for sharing your good post w/ us! ; )
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Jan 12, 2011 14:47:20 GMT -8
I really commend your hard work.I am learning a lot from your posts. I just read that anxiety and stress can exasperrate a fantasy/addiction. You mention that you go for periods without thinking about him,then have a short succession of tough days...My question is during these tough days are you under more stress or anxiety for some reason? Another thought is could it also have a corrolation with any P.M.S?
Keep up the good work!
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Post by lovely1 on Jan 14, 2011 17:24:57 GMT -8
Healthyme/Healing/Paisley
Thank you for the birthday wish!
That's a good question regarding the timing of when I'm prone to thinking about the boss. I know with the POA--and I was aware of this at the time--I would obsess over him when things were relatively quiet. If I needed to do something for the children, work etc, he was always in the backburner of my mind, but not prominent. When problems were solved and I had some time on my hand, I would begin to actively think/obsess about him. It's like the old saying: an idle mind is the dtoxic's workshop. Once I sat and thought about the POA for 6 hours straight. If I had a deadline or something else pressing that wouldnt' have happened.
Once circa 2002 I remember sending up a prayer that went something like: "God please send me something else to think about...just please don't let it be it something bad..." Now that I think about it, I was asking for transference (From Dorothy Tennov's book Love and Limerence) when I had no idea what Limerence even was.
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Post by lovely1 on Jul 28, 2011 15:02:04 GMT -8
I haven't been on the boards for awhile, but I'm happy to report that the "crush" on the boss has been crushed LOL...I have a new job happily working with an older man and woman and I love it.
I was not even the slightest bit hesitant to leave the boss I had a crush on. And I've been with the new place since March. I happened to think of my old job today and was like...oh I need to update.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being able to walk away without looking back. With the POA I had for 13 years, I kept having these thoughts that we HAD to make things right. We HAD to stay in contact. But if you don't, the world still goes round...and round... and round...
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Post by surrenderdot on Feb 27, 2012 19:21:09 GMT -8
Lovely1, I am so freaking inspired by your string of posts here. So inspired. I want what you have! Spiritual restraint. Self love. Freedom. Thank you for sharing this success story. Exactly what I needed to read. I just joined the boards yesterday and am blown away by what I am reading and learning. Thank you!!!!
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Post by lovely1 on May 11, 2012 17:17:14 GMT -8
OMG, reading this two years later, I'm laughing. I forgot all about this crush. I mean forgot allll about it, the lead up everything. Once I left the job, I left it.
I have yet another new assignment with a female boss--so no possibility of any kind of crush there. LOL...
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Post by lovely1 on May 11, 2012 17:46:11 GMT -8
Lovely1, I am so freaking inspired by your string of posts here. So inspired. I want what you have! Spiritual restraint. Self love. Freedom. Thank you for sharing this success story. Exactly what I needed to read. I just joined the boards yesterday and am blown away by what I am reading and learning. Thank you!!!! Surrenderdot, I have to admit reading these posts made me wish I hadn't quit the job. Just kidding..I actually left the job on not too good of terms. I mentioned that the boss was harsh. One day he was like yelling at me. I said well then "I quit." and I got my stuff and left. That's how it ended. I behaved unprofessionally due to their unprofessionalism. They just didn't know how to talk to people. Since then I've been thinking of reconciling, but only on a PROFESSIONAL level. I had completely forogotten about the whole crush thing!! On job applications I put down that employers can contact that company, but I don't put them as a reference. I was not fired, I resigned, but didn't give the requested two week notice. I've read that you can actualy turn situations where you'v been fired into good references, so I was thinking at some point I will call the boss and talk to him. I just have to do some more research as to how to do it. Also I will only do this if I NEED to do it. |
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