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Post by lacypooh on Oct 21, 2010 14:35:50 GMT -8
This has been a very emotional week for me. I have felt extreme highs and lows--my online friend and I "broke up". We decided he is unavailable( distance) and he fills the void for me not having a boyfriend. Together we decided we can still be friends, but no more "cuddling, no more pseudo relationship. He is still very suuportive of me, and a great guy.
I went to CoDa for the second time, it was great, i was able to cry about a family issue with ppl who understand how hard it is on me having someone upset w/ me, especially a family member.
I got a job!!! I have been afraid to go after a career that pushed me outside of my comfort zone, but this job definitely does that. ( I am still scared, but im forcing myself to do it!)
Lastly & the biggest thing is i had a long talk with an ex. We discussed how much we loved each other & i told him how i am working through something and trying to ressolve my intimacy issues. Although i was deepy in love with him or my interputation of love, this was the first time i ever told him how i felt. This was so hard for me to do, i felt very strange after opening up to him & being vunerable. But i also felt like i can finally let go of him, he knows how i felt, he knows i am sorry for the triangles and other guys. ( He did a lot of wrong too) but i could at least let go of my guilt on my end. One day I'll be able to fall in love again, perhaps for the very first time. But at least now it will be a healthy romance.
The only thing is that It just hurts all over again, I feel such a pain in my heart because this is the first he ever told me he loved me as well. It was bittersweet, perhaps i shouldn't have done it, but i did, and now maybe i can actually mourn this relationship the proper way, without replacing it with another one.
Now after getting everything out in the open with the biggest love of my life, and breaking things off with my pseudo boyfriend, i am finally completely single( no flirting, no lingering emotional questions or ties, no one courting me, no crushes, nothing) for the first time in my adult life. This is truly hard and painful, but i know it's needed.
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Post by lotus on Oct 21, 2010 16:13:32 GMT -8
wow, that's a lot in one week! Way to go!
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 21, 2010 17:36:27 GMT -8
Thanks Lotus
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Post by coastgal on Oct 21, 2010 18:59:34 GMT -8
It sounds like quite the growth spurt for u this week, good work!!!! Congrats on the new job as well  |
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 21, 2010 19:15:52 GMT -8
Thanks Coastgal,
I really needed a job lol
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 21, 2010 19:23:41 GMT -8
My new job consist of me asserting myself majority of the day so I am re-reading some exercises in the self esteem handbook to give myself a boost before Monday, which is my start date. I'm also doing this to keep my mind off all these changes. Almost a full day without any flirts or any type of affection( even in the form of text messages). So i guess this is my form of no contact.
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Post by lessthanicanbe on Oct 21, 2010 21:06:56 GMT -8
pretty--
Huge week! Congrats on the new job, and for pushing yourself outside your comfort zone. I know this is a real evolution for you! The self-esteem handbook sounds like a great tool...I might look into that. Do you find it useful?
Sounds like your CoDa meeting went well, and I am happy you are able to share. That is liberating, and very therapeutic for all of us. It helps to admit certain things, and validate feelings relationships have brought to us, good and bad....and hopefully be able to move on. It takes time, and a lot of energy. I have had to do that with my brother....painful, but necessary. We cannot always pick our family....but we can choose who we let into our lives.
In regards to your ex....give yourself a little time to process all that information. It seems like a lot to hear, and unload to him as well. I had to realize, finally, that I was grieving for a relationship gone, as well as a loss of my own identity. It does take time to stabilize after that...for me, I am still processing it....but have made my way through several of the normal stages. I feel vindication, and validation in allowing myself the time to work through it, however slowly.
Thanks for posting. Always look forward to reading your posts, and can really see your progress. Way to go! Good luck on the new job...this is just the beginning of good things for you and I!
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Post by rnurs74 on Oct 21, 2010 22:42:36 GMT -8
I'm happy things are looking up for you. It sounds like you have had a positive closure with your relationships. Even though it's hard and it's different than what your used to, you will be healthier and happier in the long run. Best wishes for you Pretty |
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 22, 2010 8:18:53 GMT -8
Thanks for your kind words everyone =).
I do find the self esteem book very useful, especially the rebuttals it teaches me about shutting down my inner critic.
I'm nervous about the job, I'll be in charge, I;ll have to make tough decisions, no time for being timid and passive which is what I've become in my life, but I know that's not my true self. My true self is very confident and bold.....it's been a long time since I have been that way, but for me, this is what all this is about, bringing my true self back. This job may even involve relocating, which I need, but I am so scared of.
And yes, that last conversation has helped me to finally begin to mourn for that relationship. So odd, it's been five years since we were together, I didn't even talk to him for 3 years, but in all that time, I still held on to the "love feeling", I looked for it in new relationships, i tried to recreate it, but it's time to just let it go. Breaks my heart all over again, but I have to if i ever want a healthy relationship. We were friends first and for a long time, so I've never experienced such a closeness to anyone else, that's the hardest thing to let go of, but I must.
Lessthanicanbe- I'm so happy you found closure with your brother. That had to be extremely painful. You are right, this is just the beginning of wonderful new beginnings for us both, ....for us all!
Rnurs- *cheers to health & happiness*
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Post by lonely1 on Oct 25, 2010 9:40:09 GMT -8
Hey wingz
I've used the metaphor of just jumping into the pool of water . . .
You jumped....good girl !
The discomfort you feel is the intitial shock of the water temp.....give it a few moments and the water will feel just fine . . .you learn there's no sharks or alligators in the pool with ya!
You have made huge progress....
. . .I'm happy for ya !
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oldendances
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
"Go Placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence"
Posts: 228
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Post by oldendances on Oct 25, 2010 10:36:44 GMT -8
Lonely1,
I want to tell you that you have such great analogies for all of this. I really appreciate you sharing them. Jumping into a pool and feeling the initial shock is a great description of how it feels to make a big change. Have you posted others besides this and demons in a basket?
PrettyWingz,
The important talk with the ex, getting clarity, and then having to feel some of the pain again, oh so difficult, yet so brave.
Congratulations on the big step of starting your new job! I hope that goes well for you. (I am really different at work, I can be very assertive in ways I never am in private life). Good Luck and best wishes in this new endeavor, may it bring prosperity to you.
Dances
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 25, 2010 21:30:58 GMT -8
Lonely1,
That was an awesome metaphor! Yes, I finally jumped in the water and yes it was cold, I was shivering! But to my surprise I did find that it has been getting warmer, I'm even starting to enjoy being in the water---work was so fun, the people there are really up beat and positive. I'm actually looking forward to going back tomorrow ! =)
Dances--thank you, the talk with him was surreal and hurt a lot--I allow myself to cry and "feel it" I'm not running from it, today hurt a lot less than yesterday, so i'm really looking forward to tomorrow =) But i can understan dbeing different at work, I'm more responsible and task focused at work. I've never allowed myself to work a position that really required me to be assertive so this is VERY new for me, but so far so good!
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Post by runrunrun on Oct 26, 2010 4:15:24 GMT -8
I just read the first post. Didnt read any of the replies yet. But I think steps 8 and 9 would help out now. It helps one face past hurts and relationships and come to terms with them. I am working them both now. Its good to come to terms with past stuff so we can move on. The amends part is good for healing us. Its good for restoring relationships. Making others feel better. But I think mostly its for our healing. I hope you find it soon and find peace and recovery. Being out of a relationship and having time for oneself is good too.
runrunrun
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 26, 2010 17:43:45 GMT -8
Thankz Run,
When i saw step 8 i felt very emotional and scared because I know my actions have caused a lot of pain, it felt really painful to to know I'll have to face that again, but i do believe it is a good thing to do. I am on step 3 now, not sure if i should go out of order or not. But i am looking forward to being single ( and content ) with it for the first time ever, along with healing, I plan to do some really exciting things with my time.
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Post by runrunrun on Oct 27, 2010 14:02:34 GMT -8
I would say probably not go out of order. I think the steps build on one another. So steps 4,5,6 and 7 will help prepare you for 8 and 9.
In my case by the time I got to steps 8 and 9 I was so tired and done being a codependent love addict that I was willing to do anything to heal. So they didnt seem so bad. Step 8 is just become willing to make amends. All we have to do is become willing. I prayed to God about this and I can see me becoming willing slowly.
runrunrun
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 27, 2010 18:44:18 GMT -8
Thankz Run, that helped a lot!
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Post by lonely1 on Oct 28, 2010 8:08:40 GMT -8
Hey Wingz,
Ya know sumpen else yer gonna discover ?
As we walk thru life, there will be other pools 'in the way' . . .
with each pool you encounter:
- it will take less and less time to decide to just jump in
- the 'initial shock' will be of less duration
- you'll find the pools to be more like puddles
It is so freaken awesome to make that discovery
. . I share with you and everyone else
- and yes, i have asked my self : what the heck was i afraid of ? why'd I wait so long ?
I am so happy for ya wingz...( psst - whisper in ear : first jump is the hardest...and ya done it !!! )
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