Post by lacypooh on Oct 30, 2010 20:25:07 GMT -8
( Raw entry frommy journal, decided to share it here)
Co-dependency has ruined my life, i hate being this way, When daddy died, I couldn't even mourn on my own, i went running to Tee, I let him take my virginity, literally take it--rape me, use me, lie to me, abuse me, make me look naive, make me feel naive, make me feel worthless, confused, feels like he raped my emotions also, raped my dignity, my sense of worth-----obviously i still had issues then ( a love/romance addict---just didn't know it---but i was confident in myself before i met him!!!!!!! After him I felt like nothing, i was confused about everything, i devalued myself, everything i thought i knew about myself, about love, about life was suddenly lost---all the guys who courted and chased me before----had suddenly also been devalued---if i'm such a good catch, how could someone treat me that way?
?Maybe they all were lying, I guess mom was right--I am just a dumb, naive girl. I am naive when it comes to men. i was like a lost sheep, roaming the world looking for my shephard--feeling so abandoned---that on top of losing my father, and the demise of some very significant friendships....i felt stripped of all my pride, of everything that made me me....i was alone. What lttle self esteem i had was no more, i was empty....a lost soul. Then instead of dealing with THOSE feelings, i turned to food, gone where the days of mini skirts and high heels...which sucked because i'd just started getting attention since guys didn't publicly notice me until after high school--four great years of new found attention, others agreeing w/my view on my physical apppearance to finally have that ........yes, admittedly went to my head, there were times when i was a bit stuck on myself, the attention was overwhelming at times, something i couldn't get enough of, something i didn't want to get enough of, but still----after daddy, crystal, crista,dakota, Tee, kory,judy, antione, terrel, trey,twyon, chris, ....all these important ppl left my life ( or i left theirs) my spirits were low......no longer feeling confident w/men, i didn't feel comfortable turning to them, yes, i instead went back to my childhood vise---food. No more late nights out partying, instead i stayed in my room ,binging on my fav foods, pizza, cookies, ice cream and having movie nights with myself. This seemed like a good idea at the time---at least i wasn't off being a date w.h.o.r.e --a name i'd given myself when i would have up to 3 dates (3 diff men) a night( nothing sexual, just men wining and dining me). No----no longer a date w.h.o.r.e, no longer glued to my phone having guys verbally tuck me in, or a best friend to share a laugh or cry with ....no....I'd lost my trust for the world....so i stayed to myself, me, my food , the internet and cable tv movies---We became best friends.
Food wasn't nice to me though, I got sick again----almost died, in & out of the hospital,had to leave my job ........gee thanks food!
But I lost a lot of the weight only by this time, i had no confidence, even as the thinner me----everything had to be measured by the validation from others---i wasn't about to take any chances thinking i was something i obviously was not, i mean i couldn't be , not the way Tee treated me, or crystal, or christa...or whoever...just pick a name...i was the girl constantly mistreated
( never dawned on me that i was attracting ppl who would mistreat me) i just felt doomed....so i went around looking for new friends, new boyfriends, anyone to make me feel better about the things i'd gone through............finally a met a guy who seemed great. We became a couple, but it ended the same. I went into another depression, gained all my weight back.....
Ugh.......Co-Dependency. Haven't you learned by now that food can't and won't heal any emotional scars?
Anyway, so here I am, trying to pick up the pieces, get back in shape,finish school, concentrate on my career, and find a hobby...an idenity and sense of self, and the big one............embrace my feelings, all of them, even the bitter, gut wrenching ones....face them, allow myself to feel them, so as to not repeat the last five years of my life. I don't want to run to another "Tee"......or hide in my room with my large pizza and soda hoping no one see's.........the only way to kill CO-DEPENDENCY is to starve it.
There's only one person i can be totally codependent on, and he's a good guy which of course means that he's been neglected, just like i;ve been neglecting myself....he's my higher power.........so now, everytime i feel the burden of tears, i will let them flow and everytime i feel the need to call Tee or text Madison to lean on them for their emotional support....i won't...not until AFTER i tell my HIGHER POWER.....after i cry to him, laugh with him, pray to him, or whatever the emotion calls for. I must stop neglecting him, only opening up so much before closing myself off.......God is the only one who can actually handle it all, without judging me, CO-DEPENDENCY has robbed me of love, of true love....it has given me a false sense of the emotion, i don't have to chase ppl, or keep proving myself to someone for them to love me......there are AVAILABLE men and women who are waiting to love me...and God is one of them, the main one of them.......he is waiting for me to stop fighting him........to show him myself , to be naked in front of him. Can't play games with God. He see's all---know's all, he is with me always, even though i don't have a best friend or a love interest i have him.....and i have to learn to let him in, to stop being afraid to go to him.
I hate co-dependency.
Co-dependency has ruined my life, i hate being this way, When daddy died, I couldn't even mourn on my own, i went running to Tee, I let him take my virginity, literally take it--rape me, use me, lie to me, abuse me, make me look naive, make me feel naive, make me feel worthless, confused, feels like he raped my emotions also, raped my dignity, my sense of worth-----obviously i still had issues then ( a love/romance addict---just didn't know it---but i was confident in myself before i met him!!!!!!! After him I felt like nothing, i was confused about everything, i devalued myself, everything i thought i knew about myself, about love, about life was suddenly lost---all the guys who courted and chased me before----had suddenly also been devalued---if i'm such a good catch, how could someone treat me that way?
?Maybe they all were lying, I guess mom was right--I am just a dumb, naive girl. I am naive when it comes to men. i was like a lost sheep, roaming the world looking for my shephard--feeling so abandoned---that on top of losing my father, and the demise of some very significant friendships....i felt stripped of all my pride, of everything that made me me....i was alone. What lttle self esteem i had was no more, i was empty....a lost soul. Then instead of dealing with THOSE feelings, i turned to food, gone where the days of mini skirts and high heels...which sucked because i'd just started getting attention since guys didn't publicly notice me until after high school--four great years of new found attention, others agreeing w/my view on my physical apppearance to finally have that ........yes, admittedly went to my head, there were times when i was a bit stuck on myself, the attention was overwhelming at times, something i couldn't get enough of, something i didn't want to get enough of, but still----after daddy, crystal, crista,dakota, Tee, kory,judy, antione, terrel, trey,twyon, chris, ....all these important ppl left my life ( or i left theirs) my spirits were low......no longer feeling confident w/men, i didn't feel comfortable turning to them, yes, i instead went back to my childhood vise---food. No more late nights out partying, instead i stayed in my room ,binging on my fav foods, pizza, cookies, ice cream and having movie nights with myself. This seemed like a good idea at the time---at least i wasn't off being a date w.h.o.r.e --a name i'd given myself when i would have up to 3 dates (3 diff men) a night( nothing sexual, just men wining and dining me). No----no longer a date w.h.o.r.e, no longer glued to my phone having guys verbally tuck me in, or a best friend to share a laugh or cry with ....no....I'd lost my trust for the world....so i stayed to myself, me, my food , the internet and cable tv movies---We became best friends. Food wasn't nice to me though, I got sick again----almost died, in & out of the hospital,had to leave my job ........gee thanks food!
But I lost a lot of the weight only by this time, i had no confidence, even as the thinner me----everything had to be measured by the validation from others---i wasn't about to take any chances thinking i was something i obviously was not, i mean i couldn't be , not the way Tee treated me, or crystal, or christa...or whoever...just pick a name...i was the girl constantly mistreated
( never dawned on me that i was attracting ppl who would mistreat me) i just felt doomed....so i went around looking for new friends, new boyfriends, anyone to make me feel better about the things i'd gone through............finally a met a guy who seemed great. We became a couple, but it ended the same. I went into another depression, gained all my weight back.....
Ugh.......Co-Dependency. Haven't you learned by now that food can't and won't heal any emotional scars?
Anyway, so here I am, trying to pick up the pieces, get back in shape,finish school, concentrate on my career, and find a hobby...an idenity and sense of self, and the big one............embrace my feelings, all of them, even the bitter, gut wrenching ones....face them, allow myself to feel them, so as to not repeat the last five years of my life. I don't want to run to another "Tee"......or hide in my room with my large pizza and soda hoping no one see's.........the only way to kill CO-DEPENDENCY is to starve it.
There's only one person i can be totally codependent on, and he's a good guy which of course means that he's been neglected, just like i;ve been neglecting myself....he's my higher power.........so now, everytime i feel the burden of tears, i will let them flow and everytime i feel the need to call Tee or text Madison to lean on them for their emotional support....i won't...not until AFTER i tell my HIGHER POWER.....after i cry to him, laugh with him, pray to him, or whatever the emotion calls for. I must stop neglecting him, only opening up so much before closing myself off.......God is the only one who can actually handle it all, without judging me, CO-DEPENDENCY has robbed me of love, of true love....it has given me a false sense of the emotion, i don't have to chase ppl, or keep proving myself to someone for them to love me......there are AVAILABLE men and women who are waiting to love me...and God is one of them, the main one of them.......he is waiting for me to stop fighting him........to show him myself , to be naked in front of him. Can't play games with God. He see's all---know's all, he is with me always, even though i don't have a best friend or a love interest i have him.....and i have to learn to let him in, to stop being afraid to go to him.
I hate co-dependency.
