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Post by runrunrun on Nov 3, 2010 10:58:09 GMT -8
BF and I are driving to the city today for a pro basketball game. He kind of assumed we would leave as soon as we got out of work. I told him No and that I needed time with my kid before we left. He texted me and said he on his way over and I said I was busy being a mom. I was gone at work all morning and need some time with my 15 year old before I left for the night. I told him when to come over and so far so good. He seems ok with it.
I hope all works out well. This boundary stuff is new to me.
runrunrun
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oldendances
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
"Go Placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence"
Posts: 228
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Post by oldendances on Nov 3, 2010 18:56:45 GMT -8
Hi Run3,
I was happy to read your post. I am trying this out too.... the boundaries and going out thing. I don't feel I am good at it, so I would like to know how this goes for you.
I agreed to go out. The person wanted me on a day that was really tough for me and he knew it. I had automatically said yes, then thought about it and felt resentful (he knows my schedule is full with work, school and family). Boundary: I made myself tell him that it would be difficult for me, and could we make it another day. After all, if I am going to have a relationship with anyone, I need to know they will respect my time. He was fine with it, but I could tell I was setting a boundary with him. I could sense afterwards that it was necessary for me to do this, sort of the "who's in charge" thing.
It felt so weird not to just be completely agreeable and sacrifice my needs for the other. We need to become comfortable with this. Way to go.
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lauren
Junior Member
Posts: 68
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Post by lauren on Nov 3, 2010 21:47:02 GMT -8
So great to read this! This is exactly where I'm at.
Just the other night, I had a really difficult experience setting boundaries with my parents for the first time. Initially, I'd felt like it hadn't gone well, because my mom reacted by sounding hurt and distant, which brought up all my feelings of guilt. I felt awful.
But the next morning I went to therapy, and my therapist reminded me that we do the work (ie: set the boundary) and then let go of the result (ie: my mom's reaction to the boundary). My mom's response is really her issue to deal with, not mine; all I have to worry about is taking care of me. I was still clinging to the idea that if I had just phrased it right, my mom would have understood and she would have reacted the way I wanted her too and all would have been well. Basically, I was still wanting to control and manage the situation, and someone else.
My therapist also reminded me that of course this is going to feel awful and uncomfortable--I'm just learning how to set boundaries, and I'm redefining the patterns of my relationships. And of course guilt is going to surface, because that's what helped to motivate my codependency in the first place. And it's not bad that I feel guilty; it's about what I do with that guilt. Which was: talked about it in therapy, made program phone calls, discussed it with my sponsor, prayed about it, went on a run, then enjoyed an ice-cream cone in the park on a beautiful day. Basically, I took care of myself.
I'm really grateful I had my therapist to help me see the experience of setting boundaries in a different light. And I'm even more grateful to come on this board and read about other people going through the exact same stuff. How cool is it that we get to learn this stuff, and that we get to go through it together??
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Post by runrunrun on Nov 4, 2010 5:25:18 GMT -8
Lauren and dances, thanks for your responses and input. Its great to hear other's take on it and how they handle it. I like the idea of setting the boundary and letting go of it after its set. Its not our problem to help others handle our boundaries. And i think that when we first start setting boundaries others will be confused and maybe even rebellious.
So far last nights went well. He showed up about the time he was supposed to. Actually 10 mins past but that was fine with me as I liked the extra ten minutes with my kid.
I had to set a firmer boundary later that night too. It was a little bit harder but I stood firm on my ground. I think the people in my life are just starting to realize I am not a pushover anymore and standing on my own 2 feet.
Cheers to you guys who set your needed boundaries and are doing whats right for you.
runrunrun
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Post by lonely1 on Nov 4, 2010 8:07:52 GMT -8
Did ya notice . . . .
. . .all the problems you may have antcipated from setting a boundary didn't happen ?
. . .in fact, did ya notice the other person actually seemed quite OK with your boundary ?
At first, is was way strange feeling to set one....
. . now it feels OK
. . .and my love (to be W) seems to actually appreciate 'me standing up for me' !
. . .I think she appreciates me taking the lead now & then !
Maybe the other person, in the relationship, mis-interprets our lack of boundary setting as a sign that we're not all that serious about the relationship . . ."we'll to ANYTHING to keep it going" and that other person does not have to do anything, make no compromises or consessions....
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Post by iselita on Nov 4, 2010 8:20:55 GMT -8
I love reading all of this. I have always had a difficult time setting boundries. It took me a long time to realize how much of a pushover i was. I just took the blame for everything always and didn't realize how abusive some of my friends were. They were worse then my enemies, because i confided in them. When i started setting boundries with my "friends" they would lash out and get mad. I had a friend who would threaten me and it got to the point where, i didn't care because i wasn't scared. I just wanted it to end.....
But setting boundries period, is a challenge. We are so scared to disappoint others and it tends to get carried away. It feels so good to do what you are suppose to do. Like in your case with your child. That is awsome! I am pretty firm with that boundry and then feel so proud of myself for setting it afterwards..
Cheers
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Post by runrunrun on Nov 4, 2010 16:57:50 GMT -8
"Did ya notice . . . . . . .all the problems you may have antcipated from setting a boundary didn't happen ? . . .in fact, did ya notice the other person actually seemed quite OK with your boundary ? Read more: laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=codependent&action=display&thread=8137#ixzz14MgrzqZD" Yes and Yes. The other person was fine with it. And I think the problems I thought would happen were mostly in my head. Brings to my attention how many things I have done (or not done) were fear based. I am not sure where I am going with this. But I do find it interesting. Thanks lonely1 This seems to be a learned skill. I have this funny feeling God is going to give me more difficult boundaries to set next time. Like a challenge. runrunrun |
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Post by lacypooh on Nov 4, 2010 21:05:40 GMT -8
Run,
So cool that you set a boundary and with a boyfriend at that ( usually harder for us to set boundaries with someone we're dating). I'm also glad it went well for ya, that shows a lot of growth on your part. I'm still working on it myself, but doing better, i'll keep the set the boundary and don't worry about it anymore after, approach.
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Post by lessthanicanbe on Nov 5, 2010 15:02:31 GMT -8
Boundaries....wow, those are hard to set! I have been(and continue to be) so worried about what others think that I don't stand up for myself at times. I have to be pushed really hard, and then, watch out!  I think what you all have done is great, and what we have to do to take back our power. It does feel wierd, and for me, sometimes even uncomfortable. I find the more I set, the less popular I become, and my circle of trusted people gets smaller and smaller. Is this happening to anyone else? I am working on continuing to set boundaries, and to care less about what others think about those boundaries. Each time I set a boundary, however small, I feel more confident, and secure with my choices. Keep up the good work everyone! |
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Post by runrunrun on Nov 6, 2010 3:31:57 GMT -8
Lessthan, my circle of friends is getting smaller too but so far its not because of the boundaries I set. So far its because I have removed the friends whose ways dont work out with mine. In other words if their friendship adds stress and anxiety or negativity I dont associate with them anymore. If they are positive people who add to my life then I keep them as friends.
If my friends cant respect my boundaries then I dont want them as friends.
DOes this help?
runrunrun
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