|
|
Post by startingnew on Nov 18, 2010 9:20:13 GMT -8
By all means paisley, I commend your working through your addictions, as well as whether it seems like it or not I do appreciate that advice that you are giving, I mean, that is what these discussion boards are for. Please dont take any of my messages are out of anger towards you or anybody on here, I just like to get into deep discussions to get to the underlying issues. You are right when it comes to the actions speak louder than words saying. And her actions say shes not ready to be with me.
|
|
|
|
Post by coastgal on Nov 18, 2010 11:35:07 GMT -8
Wow paisely that was an awesome post !!! Thank you for that, it really resonated with me because I have just discovered that I use control and manipulation in ways I never truly thought were controlling and manipulating. That post just helps reinforce that. I am Co-dependent as well as a few other things lol. I have always tried to be or do what my bf's have wanted me to, as well as try to anticipate their needs. I have a history of dating alcoholic/unavoidable men. They always seem great and fun at the start then they revert back to who they are....... and I keep thinking and hoping they will change back to the person who I started with........they never do  and no amount of control or manipulation will make them(subltle or overt!!!!) I am now working on me (so cliche lol) I have learned that my behaviour has not been exactly stellar as well. so who am I to try and bring someone else around to my way of thinking. I had always thought I was a fairly honest person who didn't like to play games, but when I started to dig a little deeper after much reading( 10 or so books and this board) ..........well lets just say I am not who I thought I was. So now the focus is not on what the man in my life is or is not doing, or how to make the relationship better, but rather on what I can do to become the person I want to be .........I figure the rest should fall in place when I get close to achieving that  |
|
|
|
Post by runrunrun on Nov 18, 2010 15:00:39 GMT -8
I too learned the hard way. Go by what you see not what you hear. My ex husband tried to convince me for 15 years that he was going to be the husband I wanted and the father I wanted for our kids. But he never was. After 15 years I finally realized that I can not change him to be what I want him to be. My decision then was based on what I saw (for 15 years) not what I heard.
runrunrun
|
|
|
|
Post by startingnew on Nov 19, 2010 5:16:19 GMT -8
runrunrun, I know there is no way we would last that long like this, I think my biggest concern right now is figuring out just what I can do as a spouse to help and support her. It is very hard to trust alone so when she says she will handle it or that I just have to trust her becomes difficult since every bridge of trust has been burned repeatedly. I feel she really wants to change and I know the arguements that end up occuring are because of my emotions and hurt are just getting the best of me, but I am just so lost right now.
|
|
|
|
Post by runrunrun on Nov 19, 2010 16:25:19 GMT -8
If I were the spouse of a love addict I would decide first what I needed to do to protect myself. As in where I draw the line at how I let people treat me. And remove myself from the ones that cross that line. This would be new to me as I have spent most of my life taking care of others while neglecting myself. But learning to take care of myself has been part of my healing. Learning to set boundaries helps too. I read a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud. Awesome book about taking care of ourselves.
runrunrun
|
|
|
|
Post by beewrad on Nov 24, 2010 15:08:32 GMT -8
Hey,I am new also.1st time ever typing or anything on this thing,but went through alot of this junk.Looking back,I just needed to GET SPIRITUAL.Not try to fight it.Let go and let god.To this day I still have to, one day at a time,GET SPIRITUAL and picture,( in my minds eye),giving the torch to my H/P.I STILL MISS HER,but I need to (with the help of H/P and others) be more mindful of my OBSESSION and remember to not trick myself and give it to H/P.If I don`t I will be in constant painful longing,dreaming of her every night.And we`ve been divorced for 6 years.If anyone needs to get SPIRITUAL it`s me.I just feel so much better when I surrender,humble myself b4 my creator and give it all to god. |
|
|
|
Post by runrunrun on Nov 26, 2010 4:24:29 GMT -8
I could be wrong but I am thinking that holding her accountable for her actions might be the thing that helps her most. I have read here that some spouses stay in relationships with the codependent love addicted one. But I also think they draw a line on what treatment they will accept and what they will not accept.
If she is still treating your poorly or contacting her poa then maybe a 'this is over the line, I am out of here until you show real progress in changing' will be the thing that she needs to see the damages she is causing and her motivation to stop.
I read in a different folder and thread that one married person had considered contacting her poa but didnt because she knew it would be the end of her marriage.
Do you think all the support and help you are giving her and working so hard at the relationship and family is actually enabling her?
Runrunrun
|
|
|
|
Post by Loveanimals on Nov 26, 2010 5:58:51 GMT -8
Yes I knew that contacting my poa would result in the end of my marriage. Unfortunately, I did end contact yet a year or so later found a new poa to pull me out of the depression of trying to work on a marriage that wasn't as exciting as an affair.
|
|
|
|
Post by EmoUnavail on Nov 26, 2010 9:25:13 GMT -8
It sounds like there is a lot of anger and resentment there.
It may be too late to save the marriage ....
You need to do whats right for you, not your spouse.
just my 2 cents.
|
|
|
|
Post by startingnew on Nov 26, 2010 9:31:27 GMT -8
Hello runrunrun and bodyrolldance, I actually have given the ultimatum before and actually moved out for almost a year, and she does accept that what she is doing is wrong, atleast in the terms of saying she is wrong with what she has done. Feeling as though a person is wrong and knowing the difference in right and wrong is completly different. I am so stuck on what I need to do to not enable her to make contact with her POA and I know there isnt a thing that I can do about it. I still want to believe that she wants to fix us, but right now, im not sure what to think.
|
|
|
|
Post by runrunrun on Nov 27, 2010 4:14:08 GMT -8
During that year away did she show real signs of progress in not contacting her poa?
runrunrun
|
|
|
|
Post by startingnew on Nov 27, 2010 13:59:57 GMT -8
The year that I was gone?  Heck no, that gave her more reason to contact the POA since I wasnt around and the POA was a comfort level that took her away from all of her other problems. During that year, it had times of being REALLY bad. |
|
|
|
Post by runrunrun on Nov 27, 2010 15:55:44 GMT -8
My guess is yes, she still loves you and wants the marriage. But she is addicted. Its not easy to break free and just stop doing what we are doing. Addictions are tough and take a long time to get over.
But on the flip side...how much of this are you willing to put up with? When the time comes you'll know. Until then vent here anytime. I am not offended. You said nothing that would offend me.
Runrunrun
|
|
|
|
Post by startingnew on Nov 27, 2010 16:53:47 GMT -8
I think thats the big thing runrunrun, is just how much I am willing to take, I have been willing to walk away SEVERAL times, but for some reason I just keep getting pulled back in. I feel I dont give up because the marriage has not been given 100% effort on her part and I feel it would be a little bit easier to give up if I knew she gave it her ALL and then if we didnt make it, then that would be easier to accept, does that make sense? |
|
|
|
Post by runrunrun on Nov 28, 2010 4:41:03 GMT -8
Yes it does. And thinking of my marriage I was in your shoes too. I put up with poor treatment for 15 years. It took me that long to get to my breaking point. But I did know nearly all along that I couldnt change him and that he was who he was and I didnt like who he was. But then again I am codependent and have a hard time breaking away and have a high tolerance for poor treatment. Plus, like you, we had kids and that makes it so much harder.
Try listing. My counselor told me to make a list of my ex bf's good and bad qualities. I think I got about 4 good qualities (and that was stretching it) and nearly a full page of bad qualities. He say when I felt like staying with him or contacting him to take the list out and look at it first. Boy that list was an eye opener! It helped to see things in black and white (literally). And not through the eyes of my fantasy. My fantasy of what I thought he could be or what I wanted him to be. Make sense?
Runrunrun
|
|
|
|
Post by startingnew on Nov 29, 2010 13:55:30 GMT -8
runrunrun, it makes perfect sense. I hate to not give her the benifit of the doubt and I really do want to, but I dont think she is going to take this program or the great help that she can get from this site very seriously. Im not sure if its a lack of desire because of the addiction and her knowing what she would have to give up, or if it is more the lack of desire because she feels there is no need to try anymore. I think just having the honesty would make it a little bit easier. She says she is being honest when she tells me she wants us back and her family, and I want to believe her, but I also feel its because she just wants her "family" and doesnt want her children in a broken home in her eyes. Such confusion. I do believe I also have a high tolerance for mis treatment. Dont get me wrong, she is NOT abusive or mean spirited towards me and when the POA is not the topic of discussion we seem to be o.k, but that doesnt make it any better. Mis-treatment can come in many forms.
|
|
and no amount of control or manipulation will make them(subltle or overt!!!!)
Heck no, that gave her more reason to contact the POA since I wasnt around and the POA was a comfort level that took her away from all of her other problems. During that year, it had times of being REALLY bad.