Post by startingnew on Dec 9, 2010 6:57:39 GMT -8
There seems to be such a thin line between love addiction and just the nature of a human being. Obviously, there are severe issues and there is a difference when an individual gets an ill feeling because they cant be around the POA, but when is that addiction a meaning of something else? I have been diagnosed as a co-dependent by a therapist, but there are days where its hard to believe that its the fact of being a co-dependent, and just a loving, concerned, and faithful spouse. Please let me explain.
My spouse and I have been together for 15 years in which we have been married for 9 of those years, we have had our ups and downs of course, with having VERY low downs as teenagers and very highs with the birth of our 2 children, but through all in all, this love addiction that not only affects my spouse, it affects me in questioning whether the love addiction is more of a sign that she may be ready to move on. When do we really know the difference. Over the last 3 years, we were seperated for over a year of that time due to the discovery of an affair, in which is now the POA for my spouse. So since the POA has not been let go yet as of a seperation, threats of the marriage being completly terminated countless times, and the number of discussions and arguements, how do I know that its not really just a love addiction but more of the need of my spouse to want to move on?
Yes she tells me that she wants me and this family, but whats to say I may not be a POA to my spouse since she already has one. Our therapist explains that me and the POA are sort of like puppets on a string for my spouse, and that having both of us in her life is like having her cake and eating it too. I feel as though my co-dependency gets confused with the the way I was raised and the importance of family, mixed with how I feel about my wife. I still feel the same way today about my wife as I did when we first starting dating, if not more now. When does the dependency take over from the love a marriage is suppose to provide, the support it is about, being the rock for one another in tough times? Yes, when we seperated, I was the one who decided to reconcile since I was under the understanding that the POA was out of the picture, but now that I know the POA is still around and doesnt seem to be going anywhere, why is it my heart is telling me I want this marriage and willing to do whatever it takes not a form of nature wanting to be loved, desired, and wanted by your spouse and turnes me into a co-dependent?
I know that being with my spouse is my choice, only I can decide that, but every fiber of me was built upon and I strongly believe in family, and being there for a person that is important in your life no matter what, just as if it was a drug addiction or alcohol, I try to help my spouse through these rough and dark times, it is just hard to know if these are really just signs that she is ready to just move on, but wont because of the family, and doesnt want to have a broken home for our children like she had growing up or if im just another POA for my spouse. I so want to believe in my spouse and that she wants this marriage as much as I do, not because it completes me, or that I cant function without someone in my life, but because I am a family man, a caring and loving individual that just wants us to move past this.
I have heard that I am suppose to love myself, work on myself, and take care of my needs, but what if my family and my spouse are considered my needs. Even though I am getting ready to turn 32, I am back in school, have already obtained I disagreeociates as of 2 months ago and am currently obtaining my bachelors, as well as considering getting a license for a new field of work, Im concentrating on getting a better job to provide for our family in the wake of destruction to our family that has been known as an economic crisis, and try to raise my daughters with morals, dignity, and respect that 2 young children need in their life, so I have been working on myself and continue to. So why cant the need of my spouse and the love and acceptance from my spouse just be considered nature of a married couple?
I have had a number of people on here helping me through this, as well as a specific individual who has been there a number of times not only to help myself, but more importantly to try an help my spouse through these storms, and for that, I could never thank her enough and can only hope that my spouse accepts that help and can help my wife come to terms with what is truely in her heart in her desire to become clean of her POA and can help to restructure her marriage that I feel it once was. It would be nice to find a group on here of spouse that are in the middle of a situation like I am, not necessarily from the standpoint of the love addict, but the spouse that is trying to help their spouse through it, that is affected by love addiction just as much as the individual that has the love addiction itself.
Thank you to everyone and their constant support and allowing me to vent and to not be judgemental. It says alot to have people like that in our lifes!!
My spouse and I have been together for 15 years in which we have been married for 9 of those years, we have had our ups and downs of course, with having VERY low downs as teenagers and very highs with the birth of our 2 children, but through all in all, this love addiction that not only affects my spouse, it affects me in questioning whether the love addiction is more of a sign that she may be ready to move on. When do we really know the difference. Over the last 3 years, we were seperated for over a year of that time due to the discovery of an affair, in which is now the POA for my spouse. So since the POA has not been let go yet as of a seperation, threats of the marriage being completly terminated countless times, and the number of discussions and arguements, how do I know that its not really just a love addiction but more of the need of my spouse to want to move on?
Yes she tells me that she wants me and this family, but whats to say I may not be a POA to my spouse since she already has one. Our therapist explains that me and the POA are sort of like puppets on a string for my spouse, and that having both of us in her life is like having her cake and eating it too. I feel as though my co-dependency gets confused with the the way I was raised and the importance of family, mixed with how I feel about my wife. I still feel the same way today about my wife as I did when we first starting dating, if not more now. When does the dependency take over from the love a marriage is suppose to provide, the support it is about, being the rock for one another in tough times? Yes, when we seperated, I was the one who decided to reconcile since I was under the understanding that the POA was out of the picture, but now that I know the POA is still around and doesnt seem to be going anywhere, why is it my heart is telling me I want this marriage and willing to do whatever it takes not a form of nature wanting to be loved, desired, and wanted by your spouse and turnes me into a co-dependent?
I know that being with my spouse is my choice, only I can decide that, but every fiber of me was built upon and I strongly believe in family, and being there for a person that is important in your life no matter what, just as if it was a drug addiction or alcohol, I try to help my spouse through these rough and dark times, it is just hard to know if these are really just signs that she is ready to just move on, but wont because of the family, and doesnt want to have a broken home for our children like she had growing up or if im just another POA for my spouse. I so want to believe in my spouse and that she wants this marriage as much as I do, not because it completes me, or that I cant function without someone in my life, but because I am a family man, a caring and loving individual that just wants us to move past this.
I have heard that I am suppose to love myself, work on myself, and take care of my needs, but what if my family and my spouse are considered my needs. Even though I am getting ready to turn 32, I am back in school, have already obtained I disagreeociates as of 2 months ago and am currently obtaining my bachelors, as well as considering getting a license for a new field of work, Im concentrating on getting a better job to provide for our family in the wake of destruction to our family that has been known as an economic crisis, and try to raise my daughters with morals, dignity, and respect that 2 young children need in their life, so I have been working on myself and continue to. So why cant the need of my spouse and the love and acceptance from my spouse just be considered nature of a married couple?
I have had a number of people on here helping me through this, as well as a specific individual who has been there a number of times not only to help myself, but more importantly to try an help my spouse through these storms, and for that, I could never thank her enough and can only hope that my spouse accepts that help and can help my wife come to terms with what is truely in her heart in her desire to become clean of her POA and can help to restructure her marriage that I feel it once was. It would be nice to find a group on here of spouse that are in the middle of a situation like I am, not necessarily from the standpoint of the love addict, but the spouse that is trying to help their spouse through it, that is affected by love addiction just as much as the individual that has the love addiction itself.
Thank you to everyone and their constant support and allowing me to vent and to not be judgemental. It says alot to have people like that in our lifes!!
