So , being self aware of my codependency has been an amazing journey. I have learned to clearly identify my actions before i take them. I am able to see unhealthy people and their actions easily.
My biggest hurdle is this incredible urge to care-take, to save the world, to make everyone else s life better. I have gotten better at saying NO, and subsequently saying YES to me ... but the urge remains strong.
Last night i was driving home and passed my POA's street, she was outside in her driveway shoveling the snow. She was so small, and looked so weak ... she had help from a friends husband (which made me feel even worse) but she was struggling. I just wanted to stop my car and walk over and do it all for her, to send her inside where it was warm. It was incredibly difficult to identify the boundary i would have crossed (especially since she hasn't asked for help and wants NOTHING to do with me) and kept driving home. It was painful to do. It was the right thing to do but painful.
When i got home, i felt bad but suppressed it and that night i had multiple dreams of her crawling back to me, and me giving her the cold shoulder....
Has anyone else felt like this? Are these type of dreams common? Is this a healing thing or is it a setback?
Yes...of course! But a dream is just a dream. It's the action that counts. Don't go back and you'll be fine.
One of the things I used to say over and over again like a mantra when I wanted to "help" was this: "______ (insert PoAs name) is a grown adult who can take care of himself/herself. In order for me to be healthy, I must allow others to be healthy and do for themselves..."
Hope this "helps"!
Last Edit: Dec 9, 2010 12:27:29 GMT -8 by LovelyJune
Telmita - That will be very useful for me! My POA has a way of showing up always needing help and although I don't go to the extremes that I use to I need to learn to still say NO at all times. Right now it's not heathly to help him at all.
"Everything will change when your desire to move on exceeds your desire to hold on."
Sounds very much like progress to me! Good job, I know it was difficult to do.
I understand it all too well. Recently my ex who wasn't a POA has been having some difficult times in his personal life. He'd been helping me study for one of my classes & he kissed me. I kissed him back & we cuddled. He began calling more just for small talk. I thought he wanted to get back together. I didin't want to get back with him, but the thought that he actually "saw" me felt nice. Well long story short, I realized that he was just using me for comfort because I was there. It had no emotional depth to it once so ever, so I cut it short. I told him exactly as I said it here, he didn't deny it. He said that sucks because I am a good kisser & cuddler. I told him it may suck, but I want something deeper than just being someone's fill in girl. That conversation happened last week. He seemed to have accepted it but last night he mentioned how lonely and sad he felt. I told him i was experiencing some of the same feelings & he mentioned how we should go back to comforting one another.
I hated to see him in pain, but I have to do what's best for me, and there isn't any dignity in knowingly being used for my kisses & hugs by someone who would replace me at the drop of a dime for someone he's actually "interested" in.
I said all that to say that in not getting out & picking up that shovel, u saved your dignigty, which is important ! Good job
Last Edit: Dec 9, 2010 12:31:23 GMT -8 by lacypooh
EmoUnavail. I think you helped more by not helping her. For many reasons. One shoveling is a good workout. Two, and more importantly, you gave her the opportunity to do it herself and to seek her own help. I read that codependents stepping in to help out doesnt give them the opportunity to help themselves and to grow from it. To solve thier own problems.
More importantly again, what you did for yourself is best. Being self aware and catching yourself is best news of all.
"Nothing in life worth having ever comes easy" Bob Kelso
My POA recently had anninjury, which made me pour out every single bit of care taking I have (and don't have) in me! I feel humiliated, because he then disappears for a while (a pattern!).
As described above, I also provided that "comfort" the week before when it was his birthday and he was feeling feeling sad he didn't have "somebody". Even when he reacts positively, it's in the 3rd person...he wrote: "I woke up to this great email from a woman I love...", indicating distancing himself from me.
Even if POA could have been a good relationship, I ruined it by smothering and over-giving, over-sharing, loving too soon... It's a completely impossible relationship, but I can't seem to keep my dignity by backing off, and stop responding to any sstuff he sends my way.
Feeling sick, worthless, hopeless... I want to end this cycle of putting myself on this altar of love... The long emails I write, romantic songs I send, and displays of care taking & caring...
He is over it, but when I've ended it comes back... With just enough to hook me in, but none of the things I've asked for and/or know should be part of a healthy relationship...
I would have to say in reading your posts that so many of us have dealt with hot and cold POAs. They DON'T change. And, they are a dime a dozen.
Now, the real golden coin comes from being fed up and taking control of yourself and your life. Owning it, reclaiming it and holding out for something better.
Dimes or Gold? Choose.
Last Edit: Dec 10, 2010 19:40:44 GMT -8 by mybestme
“Be not the slave of your own past-plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
newday-- Sign on to amazon.com and buy two books "The Self-Esteem Workbook" and "Don't let your emotions run your life." When I had no self-esteem I had no dignity. When I had no dignity, I lived within my addiction. When I lived with my addiction every choice I made I made with my emotions because I had no understanding of using my BRAIN.
I did the SAME thing you are doing now and even though it logically made sense that I should not be doing what I was doing, the emotional side of me couldn't stop.
mybestme is right-- these PoAs DON'T CHANGE. If you expect to feel better, get better, BE better, change must come from within YOU. You've already come here for help. Take the next step and start to read. Here are a bunch more books that will help l0velyjune.wordpress.com/books/
This subject is a good subject. I always feel the need to please to help and to be usefull. As if my presence wasn't enough. So to speak!
I still catch myself getting little urges to want to help the ex. To be a better father perhaps. But i can't because it's his own!!! And even if the things he is doing are wrong, well i am sure he will have his own consequences. And me mine...
i choose gold mbm
It takes courage to step beyond what is comfortable,predictable, and known.