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Post by runrunrun on Dec 12, 2010 6:57:54 GMT -8
About the only people I can talk to about this is my step meeting recovery folks. Well I can talk to the man I am seeing and should but I find it too hard. I am saddened because I am doing codependent things and find it confusing. I was asked by this guy I am seeing to go to a Christmas party last night and immediately knew I didnt want to go because of who was going to be there. Long story. But I went because I felt obligated. THe person I did not want to meet was there and spent the evening sitting across from me at our table. This person did something last year that I did not like and I felt a lot of pain for a long time because of it. Needless to say I had no desire to meet her or be around her. But I went to this party anyhow, was miserable and went home early. Now I am confused and not happy with myself. I dont like the feeling of obligation and dont know how to handle it. I have been in this situation before and it ended the same way. I have this situation coming up again soon and dont know what to do about it. Again another holiday gathering obligation coming up that I dont want to go to. I am very confused. How do I handle this? Is it codependent to go to something you really dont want to go do? Or is it just filling an obligation? I dont want him to attend any event he really doesnt want to attend. I dont want him feeling obligated. I also dont want to prevent him from having a good time because i am there and feeling obligated and miserable. Does this make any sense? I could sure use some advise. Runrunrun Read more: laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=feel&thread=8286#ixzz17uR5mtM7 |
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oldendances
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
"Go Placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence"
Posts: 228
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Post by oldendances on Dec 12, 2010 7:51:41 GMT -8
Hi Runrun,
I myself am learning about setting boundaries. As an LA codependent I try to make everyone else happy. We have to see our own needs as paramount. Treat ourselves like china dolls. Its ok and necessary to do. It also gets a little easier each time.
I think we are in a next phase...learning how to behave in non-codependent ways. I briefly dated a nice guy, and I was studying my behavior. I noticed myself apologizing when I asked for something for me..."can we please make it Wednesday night instead as I have a big test, I'm sorry". I worked on not apologizing for things that were appropriate requests. Next, I said "no" to a few ordinary things and worked past my feelings of guilt for saying no. Its very hard for us, but do it as though it is a homework assignment or something. We can learn to stand up for ourselves.
You can say no to anything you want, especially if going to something makes you uncomfortable. As your own best friend, step in and tell the person no about going to the event. You do not have to explain or apologize. You can tell him the reason if you want, but don't have to. You can offer to go to something else that you would both enjoy. You wouldn't make me, a stranger go to something that held suffering for me, so why do it to the most precious person....you. Say no, it will be ok.
In your other post you talk about being in a rut. I am back in school, and my textbooks come first over LA and Co-dependency books. This has been my dream for thirty years. I almost dropped out during the worst parts of POA situation, (so glad I didn't). I am really enjoying the focus outside of myself. It has been a good distraction for me and something very positive for my life. I feel proud of me for good grades and accomplishments. So consider going on with school and taking on a new career like you mentioned. The new knowledge and career you gain are yours and no one can take it from you.
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Post by freedman on Dec 12, 2010 8:10:54 GMT -8
Hello runrunrun. The first thing that came to my mind while reading your post was control. I always go back the the first question in my coda workbook on step 1. Am I controlling? How? I am so afraid of what others will think of me. The truth is, I am not responsible for what others think of me,only for my actions. For me what really helps is askng my Higher Power for guidance. I do this daily and at the end of the day I see the guidance. I also know that I am in recovery and learning daily. To me that is what this is about, living life on lifes terms and not beating myself up. I really respect your honesty and recovery.
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oldendances
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
"Go Placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence"
Posts: 228
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Post by oldendances on Dec 12, 2010 8:15:19 GMT -8
Also, about apologizing. I noticed that if we apologize, even to a reasonable person, that they begin to think we needed to apologize. I'm not sure if I can explain this adequately, but here is an attempt. For instance, you are asked to a movie Friday night, but have to be at work early on Saturday. You say the typical "I'm sorry" at the beginning or end of statement telling the person. Person hears this and incorporates it into thinking about you...oh well she's sorry, so it must be something she should be sorry about. Next time, they will feel you have an obligation to apologize for saying no. It sort of gives them an upper hand and even as nice people they come to expect it from you. Another example: If every time I responded to a post of yours with an "I'm sorry to bother you about this" and ended it with something like "sorry for taking up your time" you may, in your mind begin to feel that I should say those things and begin to expect them in the future from me. You would view me a little differently and as "less than" than other posters. We teach people how to treat us whether we realize it or not. Does this make sense? I think we have to be very sparing with our "I'm sorrys". They need to be like gold to us when we are setting a boundary. Old way: "I'm sorry, I can't go to the movie, I have to work early the next day, could we please make it Saturday night?" (submissive, taking blame) New way: "I can't go to the movie that night, how about Saturday evening?" (equal). You can practice saying no right here on this board... "Hi Runrun, come with me to this horribly uncomfortable party on a night that is not good for you." What would your response be? (Even with a total stranger...its hard not to start with I'm sorry isn't it).  |
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Post by person on Dec 12, 2010 9:53:43 GMT -8
I think that sometimes we do have to fullfill the obligations as we can't be selfish. But it has to be balanced. If it is too detrimental for you to attend events, then just say "no" to them. Otherwise, it would be a right thing to attend even out of obligations.
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Post by runrunrun on Dec 12, 2010 21:44:40 GMT -8
Thank you all.
Olden, its true. As soon as I picture myself declining an invitation I am using the words I'm Sorry. It has become my nature. Yes I apologize for many things that I shouldnt have. Its the codependent me that comes out....like I am apologizing for not being everything to everyone.
Paisley, thanks for your example on when to say I am sorry. As I use it nearly all the time. Often for things I had nothing to do with....(I am sorry your party got rained out). The words just flow out of me like I am responsible for everything that goes wrong in the world. Very codependent thing to do.
I do need to practice saying my 'no thank you's'. He had a company dinner tonight that I went to. It went fine. I am glad I went. Not the thing I would have chosen for tonight but still it was fine.
Next week his part time job is having a Christmas party. The two reasons I should not go are its after a long work shift where I wont be able to see my daughter nearly all day. And its before an early morning work shift that is typically the busiest of the week. So I am on the fence about that one.
Friday night was a learning experience. I had no business being there. I didnt want to. I had a few reasons not to and it wasnt one of those parties where significant others were expected to be there. Live and learn.
Runrunrun
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